I genuinely do not know why DH is so upset with me ....

[pamelat]

Am I being a cold hearted cow?

I am normally quite emotional and normally feel I have a lot of empathy/compassion but have been left confused by the events of the last hour.

I need to give some context

He works in an industry with redundancies looming, he has been made redundant 5 times in 7 years. He is approaching 40 (which I think is significant) He earns a lot more than me, but less than I think he would have hoped to be earning. He doesnt enjoy work and is currently over worked and it would appear (only realised tonight) stressed about it.

I am on maternity leave, I normally work in a stable and well liked job 3 days a week. We have a baby and a toddler.

If and when he is made redundant we will be ok. My salary will cover the mortgage and he has income protection. We are lucky that we wont "need" him to work for 18 months or so.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Next week is our son's first birthday.

He had our son's birthday booked off but due to naps etc I suggested he make it a half day and also book our wedding annvirsary afternoon off.

He told me earlier this week that it wouldnt be a problem. He emailed me this afternoon to say maybe a problem due to work load, something to finish before the end of the month.

I was a bit annoyed, not massively, as 2 children and no plans is annoying (for me) and our wedding anniversary. I was a bit confused as having 2 half days is no more than having a full time off, in terms of managing work load etc .....

Now this is where I get confused!

This became an hour long row with him telling me he wished he had married someone with more compassion and empathy, that I didnt understand him and how he has basically failed at most of life (other than the children), that I was always challening him (because I didnt agree re importance of work), that it was easy for me as I had the luxury of free time (with 2 pre-school children, hardly!!) and that I had become accustomed to a life of privilege (I work too normally!!!)

Whats worse is that I was really calm and he was really upset. He left the house without telling me why or where 20 mins ago.

Mid life crisis? He said he was emotionally and physically f*** and that I didnt care.

What scares me is that I do care but that I don't get it, at all

Yes, I have been blase about his work and inevitable redundancy but only because work isnt that important to me, he says this has made him feel like cr@p as its the measure for him, rightly or wrongly, of his success.

What did I do wrong? AIBU????

My DH is a bit like this. He is very easily stressed about work and feels that he should be more successful. (Not that your DH is easily stressed, I'd be freaked out about all the redundancies too!)

I genuinely do not care about work, money, status, "stuff", etc. I'm very "oh it'll all come out in the wash so it's no big deal, is it?" and because DH is very different we've had issues connecting in the past.

We just really try to see where the other person is coming from and talk things out. Good luck, and I'm sorry your DH is having a rotten time of it.

I'm not averse to asking people advice on the internet but really, in this instance, I think you'd be best served asking him what his problem is rather than a bunch of strangers. There could be all sorts of history and undercurrents that we know nothing about.

'There could be all sorts of history and undercurrents that we know nothing about.'

Just do what everyone else does on MN emma, and make up the details to fill in the gaps

You have to flame the OP as though they're facts though or people notice.

Empathy. That's what is needed

I had a massive row with a client today

I ended up telling the massively un-empathetic ex when he came round to see the kids (he knows the people involved) and he said "Why did you say that? You shouldn't have done that. You should have said this and that. You've blown it now."

I told DP who said "Oh blimey, that must have been upsetting, you poor thing. How are you feeling now? What do you think you might do next. I think you did great. When I feel like this, I sometimes so x,y and z. Did I mention I think you did great?"

Maybe ex is right. Maybe I did handle it wrong, but today I wanted sympathy, understanding, a hug and a boost to work out where to go next. Not to have my morale flattened again.

Sorry, bit me me me there but I think I know a bit about how your DH felt today

I would suggest you try to read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" it will help you in a few years with your kids, and it will help you now with your husband. Often when we have a crisis we want someone who will listen not who will give solutions. Talking is about having our feelings validated. Maybe before he brushed his feelings of lack of worth, worry under the carpet, but this is just one time too many. Lots of people do re-evaluate their lives when significant birthdays come round, and it is easy to compare yourself to others who seem more successful and wonder where you went wrong.

sounds to me that your hubby is very stressed out and feels like your putting imposible pressure on him,he sounds like hes having a tough time and as the main breadwinner trying to hang on to his job.sounds like a lack of comunication and your not being supportive i can understand why he feels upset.

What Hecate said in early post. This is like one of those more common situations where a man has been insensitive and just doesn't get why his DP is upset.

And re work, asking for 2 half days is not the same as asking for 1 full day in many jobs. It DOES matter in terms of perception. Changing arrangements within over a week and at the last minute sends a signal that he is not committed or organised (wrong but that's the way it works). No one in his work situation wants to put their head above the parapet. Your

He is clearly feeling he has let you down in this as well, he tries to see if he can swing it (which he feels is a big deal) and then it seems you are not that bothered...?

Re housework and small children, yes very stressful and time consuming and much undervalued. BUT, you can chose to set your own agenda each day (although it doesn't always feel like that) no one is sitting there all day assessing your performance, making assumptions about your commitment, your friends are not in competition with you..

Pls just let him know you care, pretend to understand even if you don't. He needs to hear it right now.

When redundancies are looming in a company, the atmosphere at work quickly becomes hugely demoralising, depressing and downright poisonous. Even for those lucky enough to be unaffected or looking forward for a chance to leave, the stress of working with a lot of very unhappy people can be immense.

It sounds as though your DH is under a huge amount of pressure, some of which maybe self-imposed but which is still very real, and that the argument about leave was the final straw for him today.

Cut him some slack at the moment. Just because you think that redundancy could be a good thing, doesn't mean he has to agree with you.

i have noticed one thing to your posts that may help.
you seem to have a strong feeling that your children are the most important that ther are a measure of what you and your hubby are capable of and many men take pride in the fact that they gave there family a child, maybe tell him your sorry you dont understand the importance of his job but you do understand the importance of his worry and sadness. tell him you are proud of your love for each other and proud of the family you have made and that it takes 2 to do that therefore you are proud of him for being your man and helping in equal part to make everything that you hold dear today.
explain that your children and his love are the most important to you and you are sorry that it overshadowed your rational thought to comfort him in his time of need.

i hope this helps and its just a suggestion i just thought this may make him feel proud again

jasminejo thats totally how I feel and as someone else said work/status/money do not mean a lot to me. They didnt mean a lot to Dh until a few years ago when his managers started being younger than him and he had the redundancies to face etc. Pre children, I used to encourage him to take courses that work were offering (free at the time) but he was never interested, now he regrets that (and I am in the final year of my MA, done alongside full time work most of the time) and I think he resents me for that too. However, I have encouraged/supported his beginning an OU degree so that should help, but at the moment he feels like its added stress. Hes worrying about the exam in October looming, and he must feel its all just too much.

I do feel for him and feel worse as realise that the majority think I was unreasonable, whereas I truely felt he massively over reacted last night, but it must have been building for a while.

I am guilty of prioritising the children over him too, but he does this too and I think its normal/ok? Whilst they are little they are all demanding, although he does say that I have caused that a bit because I give them too much attention. I must admit they are quite high maintenance but thats fine with me, these young years are going to go so quickly

I go back to work in 4 weeks so I think things will improve then. I wont be so child orientated and he'll get a breather from me going on about my day, I dont talk about my work to him, only about the children, especially if tough day.

Anyway, (somewhat flippantly perhaps, but thats who I am) more importantly our son took his first steps this morning!! Made me cry and made us closer.

Thanks.