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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I genuinely do not know why DH is so upset with me ....

85 replies

pamelat · 11/05/2011 20:30

Am I being a cold hearted cow?

I am normally quite emotional and normally feel I have a lot of empathy/compassion but have been left confused by the events of the last hour.

I need to give some context

He works in an industry with redundancies looming, he has been made redundant 5 times in 7 years. He is approaching 40 (which I think is significant) He earns a lot more than me, but less than I think he would have hoped to be earning. He doesnt enjoy work and is currently over worked and it would appear (only realised tonight) stressed about it.

I am on maternity leave, I normally work in a stable and well liked job 3 days a week. We have a baby and a toddler.

If and when he is made redundant we will be ok. My salary will cover the mortgage and he has income protection. We are lucky that we wont "need" him to work for 18 months or so.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Next week is our son's first birthday.

He had our son's birthday booked off but due to naps etc I suggested he make it a half day and also book our wedding annvirsary afternoon off.

He told me earlier this week that it wouldnt be a problem. He emailed me this afternoon to say maybe a problem due to work load, something to finish before the end of the month.

I was a bit annoyed, not massively, as 2 children and no plans is annoying (for me) and our wedding anniversary. I was a bit confused as having 2 half days is no more than having a full time off, in terms of managing work load etc .....

Now this is where I get confused!

This became an hour long row with him telling me he wished he had married someone with more compassion and empathy, that I didnt understand him and how he has basically failed at most of life (other than the children), that I was always challening him (because I didnt agree re importance of work), that it was easy for me as I had the luxury of free time (with 2 pre-school children, hardly!!) and that I had become accustomed to a life of privilege (I work too normally!!!)

Whats worse is that I was really calm and he was really upset. He left the house without telling me why or where 20 mins ago.

Mid life crisis? He said he was emotionally and physically f*** and that I didnt care.

What scares me is that I do care but that I don't get it, at all

Yes, I have been blase about his work and inevitable redundancy but only because work isnt that important to me, he says this has made him feel like cr@p as its the measure for him, rightly or wrongly, of his success.

What did I do wrong? AIBU????

OP posts:

Original poster

pamelat · 11/05/2011 21:10

drip drip drip, I didnt think the context was relevant but brought it up as some of the other comments made me feel it may be, resentment etc etc.

Off now. Thank you to those that were able to raise above my lowly level, constructive criticism was great, thank you.

To the others, I'm sorry your lives make you feel so bitter.

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 11/05/2011 21:10

"Also, maybe serioulsy put the option forward of you working more yourself and letting him look after children if/when he is made redundant." Do you think so, MoreBeta? If he's heavily driven by being seen as the provider, wouldn't he take that as a massive insult/the last straw?

Original poster

pamelat · 11/05/2011 21:11

rise.

OP posts:

dollyshouse · 11/05/2011 21:11

a man measures himself against another man by what he earns, what his status is, what his job is and in turn this gives him his "worth" about how he feels about himself. This is massively if not the most important thing in a mans life and by you not listening to his concerns and saying you'll be ok you have failed to validate his concerns (whether you agree with him or not is irrelevant) I learned this from going to relate with my husband and boy what a massive help it has been! you need to listen more and let him talk about his worries and concerns and validate what he is feeling. I agree with you as a woman we do not nec have our priorities this way esp when children come along and we do not judeg other women by what they do/earn/get respect but men do that is the point! If I were you I'd say sorry get the kids in bed if not already and listen to him really really listen and agree with him (agreeing with him validates what he is saying even if you feel you will be ok anyway) good luck x

CurrySpice · 11/05/2011 21:13

I have to say OP I was quite sympathetic till I got to your 2nd post and then you just sounded flippant and smug and if you had been like that to your DH when he was clearly distressed, I would have gone off on one too

I think HecateQueenOfTheNight said it very well up there

Georgimama · 11/05/2011 21:15

Eh? what are you on about? So we have to start posts "Dear OP....." now according to you?

I'm not having a laugh at your expense, you loon. I don't think anyone on this thread is coming across as the least bit bitter. Why do you? Because we think you are in the wrong?

fivegomadindorset · 11/05/2011 21:16

YOu posted in AIBU, if you can't take it then don't post here, and yes you come across as cold hearted and I have every sympathies with your DH.

pyjamababe · 11/05/2011 21:24

Hecate are we married to the same man? That is exactly what happens everytime we have a problem. In fact, I am going to copy that paragraph into my phone so next time I can explain why I am getting mad with all the solution offering instead of just shouting 'gaaaah' and storming off...

Sorry for the hijack, just wanted to say thanks. As you were.

Original poster

pamelat · 11/05/2011 21:28

He is back and in the bath with a glass of wine and now says no need to "talk" about it as just needed to let of steam ....

We're out tomorrow night for our WA so will see if he wants to chat then, don't want to push it though.

I genuinely am grateful for your advice, everyone. Its good to get (totally) different perspectives.

OP posts:

dollyshouse · 11/05/2011 21:29

pamelat I can highly recommend the book 'sixty minute marriage' by rob parsons, hope you don't mind me mentioning that, it has some really good tips! hope all goes well x
pyjamababe men are from mars women are from venus - when men tell another man a problem they want the man to offer solutions and how to fix the problem that is why when we tell them a problem they think we want the same however when we have a prob we just want them to listen!! it's all in there, fascinating reading!

MoreBeta · 11/05/2011 21:32

OldLadyKnowsNothing - I suppose he might take it as an insult if but I think if it was presented as a temporary solution if he was made redundant to take financial pressure off the family he might think it a good idea. It would take the pressure of him personally as well.

Original poster

pamelat · 11/05/2011 21:35

Just quickly before I go upstairs, I did say I could increase my hours and he could have the children. I should be able to, I would have to "apply" to do it but I think it would be ok.

He doesn't want that. He says (as someone said, sorry no time to scroll down) that his CV will be a big blank and that childcare is not for him.

I think he would love to run his own business, he says so too, its just knowing what and waiting for the redundancy to come through.

OP posts:

GotArt · 11/05/2011 21:35

Ding ding ding He's been made redundant 5 times in the last 7 years! That is quite the blow to one's ego. Your being blase, trying not to make a big deal of it, is OK, but clearly he needs more empathy, and possibly a career change, something that is more self satisfying. Between the coming rejection from work and you not being seemingly concerned is feeding his stress. Stay home, get a bottle of wine, and have some couple time, no talk of work or kids... just you two time.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 11/05/2011 21:36

OP I would recommend you make sure you DO talk about this again at some point. I totally agree with PP comments - he's under stress, 5 redundancies in 7 years??? Fuck a duck, love, that's going to undermine anybody's confidence! He may have brushed it off this time as 'needed to let off steam', but if it's anything like my marriage, these things don't go away. they need to be addressed and properly.

Talking is the key to this, I really wouldnt' let it go totally off the radar. Choose your moment perhaps.
Oh. And yes, YABU (were?).

GotArt · 11/05/2011 21:37

Don't wait for redundancy to come through... this is the perfect opportunity now to look seriously into what he wants to do in the near future.

Missingfriendsandsad · 11/05/2011 21:37

Its a bit like someone starting a fight with him in a pub and you sticking up for his attacker, telling your DH off for bringing it on himself, and then walking off with the attacker saying 'my DH is a real pain isn't he, he can't see the big picture'. You need to get in there and travel with him on this a bit so he knows you're by his side not just laughing up your sleeve at him being stressed.

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2011 21:37

It's never too late to make an effort pamelat, even though my DH isn't that good at picking up on stuff, when I eventually spell it out to him in foot high letters () and he does just the little things out of the ordinary that shows he's thinking of me, it makes it so much better.

What fucks me off completely is someone who refuses to acknowledge how you feel and argues you have no right and are wrong to feel how you do.

Even though other posters have argued you're doing that, I got from your post that you wanted to understand him, else why post?

Ormirian · 11/05/2011 21:37

5 times? Bloody hell, I'd feel fairly depressed about that too. It's hard starting again especially at an older age.

My dh is a pathetically fanatical west ham fan. I find it absurd but I've learnt over the years that he doesn't. It means a whole lot to him. So I sympathise as best I can. Losing your livelihood for the 5th time isn't an absurd problem, it's a genuine one. Maybe it will end up being the best thing that ever happened to him but it won't look like it to him now.

dollyshouse · 11/05/2011 21:38

stop offering solutions and listen to his concerns thats it really x just him offloading he will feel better x stop offering solutions, now go and shag him as that will definately make him feel better!

BiPolarPauline · 11/05/2011 21:44

pamelat

You have the dream job. I would love to work in a stable.

BecauseImWorthIt · 11/05/2011 21:47

I feel very sorry for your DH. You really don't get that he is under severe stress here, or that his work is so important to him. Why on earth would he want to stay at home and look after the children?

You are not his mother. You are talking to us/him as if you are - and trivialising his concerns because you simply don't get how important they are to him. Now you think he would love to run his own business. But has this come from him? There are massive risks involved which could just be too overwhelming.

And if anyone on here dares to appear to criticise, you are quite snippy with them too!.

If you were my partner, I would be really upset, annoyed and massively resentful of the way you're dealing with me. Where's the support? Where's the sympathy? Where is his partner?

pyjamababe · 11/05/2011 21:54

Thanks dollyshouse, a trip to the library for me then! Think the shag advice is spot on, too, btw, since I always want a hug instead of solutions, and the male version of that is usually a good seeing too... Maybe I could get the hang of this Mars business?

dollyshouse · 11/05/2011 21:55

you got it already girlfriend good luck xx

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 11/05/2011 22:03

I'm glad he's back and feeling better,

If I may just say one further thing - don't let him sweep it under the carpet.

Or he'll build it up and build it up until he needs to 'let off steam' again.

He needs to deal with his feelings, not suppress them until he snaps.

fedupofnamechanging · 11/05/2011 22:06

As everyone has said, if you lose your job so many times you are bound to start taking it personally and thinking that there is a reason why it always happens to you. And yes, for him, his self esteem is linked with being able to work.

That said, I feel sorry for you too. I don't think it's wrong to be practical and solution oriented and calm. That's just your way of dealing with things. A coping mechanism I think, because the redundancies have affected you too. I do think that during your row it wouldn't have mattered what you said, it would have been wrong. Your husband was stressed and letting off steam.

I think that if I'd had PND and my husband had been looking at escort sites, I'd not be feeling particularly kindly towards him, so I think you should examine whether old resentments and issues have really been dealt with or just brushed under the carpet while you dealt with more immediate problems (the redundancies).

I don't think your husband is coming out of this smelling of roses. Your PND would have had as much of an impact on you as his job situation has had on him. I think it's good that you have high self esteem. Again, building this has maybe been a defence mechanism to cope with a husband who looks at escort sites. I stopped having much sympathy for him when you said that,tbh.

I also think that he is wrong to take his stress out on you. If he's hidden his true concerns, then how can you be expected to instinctively know that he has them?

So yes, perhaps more understanding of his mental state is needed from you, but I think he needs to address some some of things that have/are affecting you too. Not everything here is entirely your fault.

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