I genuinely do not know why DH is so upset with me ....

[pamelat]

Am I being a cold hearted cow?

I am normally quite emotional and normally feel I have a lot of empathy/compassion but have been left confused by the events of the last hour.

I need to give some context

He works in an industry with redundancies looming, he has been made redundant 5 times in 7 years. He is approaching 40 (which I think is significant) He earns a lot more than me, but less than I think he would have hoped to be earning. He doesnt enjoy work and is currently over worked and it would appear (only realised tonight) stressed about it.

I am on maternity leave, I normally work in a stable and well liked job 3 days a week. We have a baby and a toddler.

If and when he is made redundant we will be ok. My salary will cover the mortgage and he has income protection. We are lucky that we wont "need" him to work for 18 months or so.

Tomorrow is our wedding anniversary. Next week is our son's first birthday.

He had our son's birthday booked off but due to naps etc I suggested he make it a half day and also book our wedding annvirsary afternoon off.

He told me earlier this week that it wouldnt be a problem. He emailed me this afternoon to say maybe a problem due to work load, something to finish before the end of the month.

I was a bit annoyed, not massively, as 2 children and no plans is annoying (for me) and our wedding anniversary. I was a bit confused as having 2 half days is no more than having a full time off, in terms of managing work load etc .....

Now this is where I get confused!

This became an hour long row with him telling me he wished he had married someone with more compassion and empathy, that I didnt understand him and how he has basically failed at most of life (other than the children), that I was always challening him (because I didnt agree re importance of work), that it was easy for me as I had the luxury of free time (with 2 pre-school children, hardly!!) and that I had become accustomed to a life of privilege (I work too normally!!!)

Whats worse is that I was really calm and he was really upset. He left the house without telling me why or where 20 mins ago.

Mid life crisis? He said he was emotionally and physically f*** and that I didnt care.

What scares me is that I do care but that I don't get it, at all

Yes, I have been blase about his work and inevitable redundancy but only because work isnt that important to me, he says this has made him feel like cr@p as its the measure for him, rightly or wrongly, of his success.

What did I do wrong? AIBU????

fabbychic you sound a very bitter and/or upset person, sorry if I have upset you personally.

We've had various problems, as all couples with young children do, don't they? I had PND but thats gone now, he was cr@p at coping with that for me, but I dont think (i hope not) that I am punishing him for that. I had no idea he was stressed about it! Hes always talked about it as inevitable and fine.

Its not just him that will be made redundant but the entire company, and he hates working there, isnt that a life opener?

I accept that I need to be there to listen more, I think I was too busy being practical and offering solutions.

YABU.

Have a read back through your posts, there are ALOT of me's and I's this is your problem.

Your DH is very obviously stressed and worried about his workload and now possible redundancy, he may be concerned that he wont find a job quickly, he is also probably worried about being stuck in a rut of job hunting.

Maybe you need to take some of the load off him and be abit more 'worried' about things, My DP is like you, doesn't care/worry about ANYTHING! which is bloody annoying and sometimes i want to scream pummel at him to take some of the presure off, maybe your DH wants you to do this to.

As for the holiday; you should of just left it as it was, by the sounds of it he is crazy busy and 2 half days are really hard to catch up on rather than 1 whole day off, your logic is correct that it shouldn't effect it differently however it does.

Go easy on him, pour him a beer, give him a cuddle and tell him everything will be ok.

Absolutely agree with Hecate, you have completely dismissed that fact that his entire self image is tied up with his job, and with being the breadwinner. You recognise that his job will be gone in 12 months time but are not concerned because yours will pay the mortgage - effectively you have taken his role and told him that you can keep a roof over the families heads as well as being the home-maker - where is his role in all that>

He is losing his job, his identity, his self-esteem and is very likely depressed about it whereas you are reacting only to the very tiny facts of lack of notice, and that you can replace his company with "X".

Sorry love but you need to get your head out of your very self-centered backside and give your DH some support here before he goes over the edge.

In fact I would go so far as to say you are not like his wife but more like a mother who trys to belittle, to tell what to do.

I feel for the man I really do.

yes I'm joking/lightening the mood with the cake thing! thanks for realising that.

I am making it but appreciate its not stressful nor essential. It was recognition of how not everthing I do is stressful, right now, hence the smile after it.

Being made redundant so many times must be HORRIBLE. His self-esteem, his belief in himself, must have taken so many knocks. That's what the problem is- he must be thinking, even if I get another job, is it me, am I just crap, I'll lay bets I'll be on the scrapheap at 50.

He's expressed this as saying that work is important to him, making it sound as if he's just work-obsessed, but it's about his confidence really. It's his fear and sadness making him lash out. And although you're taking a good approach, right now it must just make him feel worse as you seem capable, in control, dare he think it, blase that he'll be out of work again. As if you expect it of him.

I would try and get in touch and give him some tlc. And explain that your approach is a practical one and you can see he needs something different right now, so let's start again.

Pamelat - "he doesn't want solutions", that makes sense, so stop giving them. Think them in your head, but let him save the day and work things out for himself. While you are clearly an intelligent and sorted person, it doesn't help him to feel less of a failure when you have it all worked out. Can't you forget your logic and try to empathise more?

If I notice DH getting stressed I ask him 'Are you stressed about something?' and he always answers 'I don't know'

It looks to me like your DH was trying to control his fears and hide them from you (for nice reasons), and like I feel if my DH doesn't pick up on what I think are obvious signs I'm struggling, he might feel really frustrated you didn't pick up on the fact he's stressed.

I don't think that means you're out and out unreasonable because you're probably trying to live with the uncertainty redundancy brings with it as well.

I would say that everything's just come spilling out, and it's more at the situation than you.

Be kind to him, and to yourself, he's got it off his chest and we all say shite we don't feel as strongly as it's said in an argument.

5 times redundant in 7 years is really hard on your self esteem.

We had loads of redundancies last year. No one wanted to take time off, the atmosphere was awful and the stress was hideous.

Sometimes all you want is sympathy and you don't sound very sympathetic.

5 times in 7 years. Poor sod.

I had PND but thats gone now, he was cr@p at coping with that for me, but I dont think (i hope not) that I am punishing him for that. I had no idea he was stressed about it! Hes always talked about it as inevitable and fine.

OH MY FIN CHRIST.......you cant be serious?...........i was going easy on you in my last post. consider yourself flamed!!

speaking from experience, PND just doesnt go away like dust, it sticks with a family that has been effected by it! maybe he didnt know how to cope?! i am totally flabergasted at the selfishness and ignorance coming from you

harecare you are right and I will try. I am really surprised that I am being unreasonable, I genuinely didnt think so (too many I's!!)

I wonder if the problem is that work becomes unimportant in my mind when I have been away from it for a while. Maybe my perspective will change when I'm back and be more like his???

Yes hes a man, and typically women look after children, but children are the main measure of life, and I would consider someone more of a success for raising children than doing well at work.

I will try to understand and not offer solutions, thank you all.

I can understand how you might feel resigned to him losing his job and that you'll cope but from a man's point of view work is quite often much more directly linked to self esteem than it is for a woman (because of this thing about being a provider.) So its not just the money for him its his identity and self worth. Your complaining about him not managing to have got a second half day off will have put him under massive pressure: if he takes the second day he's putting his arse on the line at work and if he doesn't he's triggering a row with his other half so its the devil and the deep blue sea isn't it? You should really have just swallowed it when he said he couldn't get the half day and said thanks for trying rather than niggling at him. But I still think he's very stressed about an underlying issue (probably his job) and you need to sit down and talk to him about that.

boilingpoint his coping craply was looking at escort sites. I think I am allowed to think thats a crap way to cope with it.

He has been made redundant 5 times in 7 years and is facing yet another redundancy Poor poor man

I would be struggling to get out of bed every day if that was me :( It must be so incredibly demoralising for him.

that's ok. I am just like that - serious situation - crack a stupid joke right in the middle of it.

As others have said, logic is all well and good, it's sensible, but he is telling you that he has an emotional need.

My husband is like you - when there's a problem, he comes out with all the practical suggestions. Do this, do that, let's discuss it, it's no big deal etc. Which is very sensible and all that, but it leaves me feeling like I am making a fuss about nothing, or that he isn't interested in how I feel or that what I really need right there and then is a huge hug, big arms round me and to know I have someone at my side who loves me, cares about me and understands me. I need that. If I feel supported, then I can take a deep breath and address the problem. If I feel like he doesn't care how I feel, then it's so hard. You feel so alone.

re the half day, I think its bigger than that.

I think it is all about his self-esteem and that I need to try to help re-build it. I've re-built my own, but maybe too strongly?

Oh look. Drip drip drip with the info to make DH look like the villain of the piece.

yes and my DPs way of coping was looking at porn but if thats what stopped him breaking under the presure so be it..

My way of coping? bottling it up and being cruel to everyone around me which led to be sectioned.

Your taking him for granted and you will realise that eventually, carry on being blase about it and breezing through it all one day you will see where that gets you!

I agree with babycare, just a bit of sympathy can show you care, sometimes that's all you need - a bit of care.

5 times in 7 years, 3 have been internal so not involved job hunting, more a shift interally.

The other 2 were big pay offs which he genuinely seemed/said he was very happy about. In fact he was cross when he was last offered an internal position rather than paid off, I really didnt know this one was going to be an issue. more fool me hey.

georgimama agreed

georgimama can you speak directly to me when trying to poke fun at me please, otherwise its bullying. If you want a laugh at my expense, please have the courtesy to direct it to me.

Anyway hes back, time to make an effort. I might show him this thread so he can see hes right and I'm stupid.

If they are all going to be made redundant in 12 months time then he probably also feels a lack of control over his future. He's been made redundant 5 times in 7 years and shortly it will be 6 times in 8 years, oh and he's heading towards 40, no wonder he blew up. I don't know what industry he is in but if I were recruiting and saw someone with a CV that said redundancy all over it, I'd think very carefully before interviewing the individual, I'd jump to the conclusion that in some of those redundancies it wasn't just bad luck but lack of competence, particularly in today's jobs market where you can really pick and choose who you take on. The 40 thing wouldn't bother me but even though it's illegal sometimes it can work against you. This is probably all going through his mind at the moment.

Well it is blindingly obvious to me what is wrong.

Pretty much covered by lots of other posters but here is a man under massive emotional pressure, feels like a failure, about to be made redundant yet again desperate to hang on to his job by working every hour that God sends and you are harrasing about taking a half day off.

Yes, you really don't seem to agree about the importance of work. You seem to think he will easily find another job. I don't think he will in the current economic climate and I am sure he thinks that too and is desperately worried. To that extent you do live a life of privellege as he sees it because you seem to be insulated from his worries.

Talk to him and let him talk all his worries out. Most importantly tell him you really admire him and he isn't a failure. Also, maybe serioulsy put the option forward of you working more yourself and letting him look after children if/when he is made redundant.