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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to allow my daughter not to see Woman in Black?

93 replies

aliena · 10/05/2011 23:21

DD (who is a very quiet, sensitive and young thirteen year old) is reading Woman in Black in English. She has found the book disturbing and scary but battled her way through it. She does not at all like stories of the supernatural and I have taken the view that she will in time when she is ready. However, she found out yesterday that her teacher has arranged a class trip to see the play (which the teacher loves so much she has seen five times). DD asked timidly whether it was alright if she didn't see it and the teacher agreed. However today DD came home from school very upset because her English teacher told her she now had to come along and to "for goodness sake, grow a spine".

I am not the sort of mother who complains to teachers and I like my children to sort out their own problems if they can but I don't know what to do. I know from previous experience that DD will be terrified and will probably not sleep properly for many weeks/ months after seeing it. So should I say something to the teacher (as DD has begged) or should I force my daughter to go?

OP posts:

jeanvaljean · 11/05/2011 08:16

OMG the rocking! That's the thing that stays with me years later.

OP YANBU, the play is extremely scary. The only issue I can see is that the rest of the class will go and enjoy it and afterwards your DD will feel left out. She could always go and close her eyes/put her fingers in her ears during scary bits (that's what I did! )

Buda · 11/05/2011 08:18

Crikey. Well as a well adjusted and grown up 47 year old with a spine I can guarantee I would not be going to see it. Or even reading it I think. I hate scary stuff.

I would be going into the teacher and saying "DD has a perfectly good spine thank you. Good enough and strong enough to know when she really does not want to do something and stick to her guns. I have done some research into the play and spoken to to people who have seen it and we both agree that she will not be going. It IS scary for some people. Quite a lot of people in fact. Adults - male and female - as well as teens. Be prepared that you may well end up with a lot of very scared teen girls afterwards. I am just relieved that my DD will not be one of them. We know she will be scared as she genuinely does not like any film or play of this ilk and although she read the book she did not like it. Good day and thank you."

But then I am a bitch when crossed.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 11/05/2011 08:22

When I saw it, there was a storm outside the theatre, and I was terrified when I had to go up to that tiny little toilet on my own during the interval!

It is a great play, even funny in parts (it was 9.30 in the morning...) - but the bits where the woman randomly appears... Aaaaaargh. It is a very well produced play - very atmospheric.

Again though, your DD is right to not want to go if she's easily upset. She knows what she feels and YANBU to stick up for her.

Icelollycraving · 11/05/2011 08:24

That film is legendary in our family,we all watched it in the dark & were soooo scared lol. Think they are making a new film.
My niece is that age & no way would she go to the play,absolutely not. I would be calling the school to ask if it's a compulsory visit & say you are clarifying because of the comment from the teacher.

GetOrfMoiCase · 11/05/2011 08:25

Blimey - I am terrified reading this thread, let alone thinking about watching the play!

I am a philistine and have not read the book (I will now though) - can you tell me more about the scary bits

Mind you, I am someone who got freaked out by a domestos advert when I was in my mid 20s (it had pictures of bugs and David Bellamy in ) so I am easily terrified!

Buda · 11/05/2011 08:29

Well GetOrf - David Bellamy is a bit scary! It's all that enthusiasm I think!

AmazingBouncingFerret · 11/05/2011 08:35

I'm the same as GetOrf. Not read it but now want to!

OP Say to the teacher what Buda said.

Northeastgirl · 11/05/2011 08:45

for goodness sake, grow a spine - this sounds very extreme. Are you sure the teacher actually said that? Is it consistent with your own view of the teacher. I'm astonished at that.

I've seen the play 3 times, read the book so many times I had to buy a new copy and saw the infamous Boxing Day TV play. All brilliant as an adult ghost story, but I'd be a bit concerned about any 13 year old seeing it, especially one that is anxious and doesn't want to go. I'd tell the teacher your daughter isn't available that day, arrange something else nice to do with her instead so she doesn't get teased for staying at home and reassure her that if she feels that she does want to see it later, you'll take her another time. At least if you go as a family, you can bail out if you want to. She won't have that option on a school trip

BendyBob · 11/05/2011 09:06

I was getting this confused in my head with The Woman in White

No, if it's a really scary story then you are quite right to say something. I remember reading the House of Lost Souls only a couple of years ago and it terrified me. I I had to read something that scary or see it at 13 could be very disturbing for ages afterwards; my nearly 13 yr old dd would hate it.

The teachers comment sounds an off the cuff insensitive comment. You say she clearly loves the book and play; some people just cannot twig that what they enjoy isn't to eveyones taste and are on a mission to convert everyone and get irritated when others don't like what they do.

WobblyWidgetOnTheScooper · 11/05/2011 09:08

I've seen both, woman in black = scary, woman in white = lovely!

Maybe they'll make a mistake when booking the tickets :o

catsmother · 11/05/2011 09:39

I don't know what it is about the Woman In Black but it seems to tap into the psyche of so many people and thoroughly terrify them. Great writing and a great story I suppose. The 1st time I saw it on TV as a teenager not much older than your DD I had literal nightmares (which I hardly ever do) and then scared myself all over again when I read the book. Some years later I saw the play in the West End and again, had very similar nightmares the same night and for a few nights after. I will read more or less anything - providing it's well written ! - and have read lots of "scary" books with much more detail, much more terror, much more gore etc which have had no effect on me at all.

Given how this crops up time and again in "most frightening" discussions, I would be very very surprised if no-one else in the class is adversely affected and as your daughter has made the effort to read the book, I think she has every right to decide not to see the play. I can't believe it's now essential for her studies ..... it's not (presumably) for a GCSE ... and I suspect the main added value of the theatre trip will be to discuss the differences between book and play. At the end of the day, you have to give your permission for her to go - so don't ! ..... and yes, I'd be having a word with the teacher too about her lack of sensitivity. The book - as demonstrated by all the replies you've had - is absolutely known for being really creepy and unsettling .... so your daughter's reaction is perfectly normal and very common. It would actually be cruel to force more terror upon her. I don't see how on earth the teacher can object if you put it to her like that and what's more, given how horrid some teenagers can be, I think DD's reluctance to go is indicative of just how scared she is, as by not going she's quite likely to expose herself to some level of teasing ... maybe about being a "baby" etc (though you could reassure her that it "gets" countless adults too by showing her this thread !) from her classmates. Obviously, that must seem preferable to having to relive the story all over again.

KurriKurri · 11/05/2011 09:51

Grow a spine - completely unacceptable. I think 13 is very young to see that play - I bet there will be a few kids on the class scared by it.

My DD saw it for school when she was 16 - she went with her 21 yr old brother and they both said it was scary - and neither are particularly sensitive to ghosty stuff.

I don't think anyone should be made to watch any kind of play or film which they think they would find disturbing. As adult we are selective about what we choose to watch , I think your DD can make a judgement for herself whether she wants to see TWIB, and she's decided she doesn't - fair enough IMO.

TheCowardlyLion · 11/05/2011 09:58

I would stand your ground and support your daughter. I taught this to my Year 10 set last year and at parents' evening afterwards, one girl's parents told me that she had found the novel scary and had read it with her mum rather than by herself and I felt very guilty Would never have dreamt of saying that she should grow a spine!

And I wouldn't have taken them to see the play either and this is a GCSE set. Certainly wouldn't teach it to anyone below GCSE. It might be useful for you to know that until recently, it was a set text at A Level so for it to be used at KS3 is not on, imo.

RevoltingPeasant · 11/05/2011 10:05

CowardlyL yes, I am a lecturer and when we did The Woman in White recently, a bunch of my students were talking about how they had seen Woman in Black as part of their A levels.

My two cents would be: I don't think that seeing the production is irrelevant, actually. It is not just 'a fun school trip' (or not!). Seeing a theatrical adaptation of a book the students are reading is a really good way to make them think about texts, and about how different media present the same material. So there is a genuine pedagogical value to it; I doubt the teacher is just forcing her tastes on hapless pupils.

That said, if your DD is really scared - and the reactions of my 19yos would indicate she might well be - I'd ring up the teacher privately and just say that you think your DD is not ready for that sort of thing. I mean, FGS, she's only 13, there must be plenty of children that age who are not ready to encounter 'adult' material of various kinds.

Perhaps suggest your DD could do a small compensatory project, such as finding 2-3 reviews of the play and summarising them in a short essay, saying how she thinks the play might've changed the original book. Then she will still be learning.

Bluebell123 · 11/05/2011 10:09

I saw WIB when I was in my twenties and screamed out loud in the theatre. Very embarrassing. Everyone is different. My eleven year old son would have no problem at all with it, but a sensitive thirteen year old girl ... Not sure I would to be honest

SerenaJoy · 11/05/2011 10:50

I've read the Woman in Black and found it very unsettling, although a great read and very well written. I'd like to see the play but I've been told about it by friends who have seen it, and I'm worried it will give me nightmares (or make me wee my pants ). And I'm nearly 31! It would have absolutely terrified me at the age of 13.

Your DD has read the book, going to see the play is surely not compulsory? Her reluctance to go is perfectly understandable. I'm shocked that her teacher told her to 'grow a spine'. What a bitch.

heleninahandcart · 11/05/2011 11:35

YANBU I saw the play over 15 years ago and found it disturbing at the time. Many years later my office was close to the theatre and I still felt uncomfortable walking past!

Teacher totally wrong, vile comment to make to your DD. Quiet word needed with teacher imho. Your DD doesn't need to go, agree you can just be 'busy'

Northeastgirl · 11/05/2011 11:39

Reading this thread has reminded me how powerful the book is and I'm about to start reading it ......again!

Sammytastix · 11/05/2011 17:39

My dd is a sensitive 13 year old too and was exactly the same when she had the opportunity to go with her class to an evening performance last year, we paid for her to go but she worried for weeks beforehand about it. I would never force her to do something that was stressing her out so much so I just wrote in to the teacher saying said something had come up and she could no longer go, it was no problem she lost no marks and luckily we got the fee back too. She was very relieved she did not go after hearing some of the comments and feedback from her friends after the play.

If I was in your situation I would personally contact the teacher and have a quiet word. I would have to tell her that I was not impressed and did not appreciate the comments she made to dd in front of her classmates and that she would NOT be going regardless of what she says. You know your dd best and there is no reason for her to be put in this situation and worry herself silly about something which is so easily avoidable.

QueenofDreams · 11/05/2011 17:54

I've read the book and it terrified the life out of me! Fantastice book but deeply creepy/unsettling. She shouldn't be forced to go and you should pull the teacher up on the 'grow a spine' comment. THat is out of order!

umf · 11/05/2011 17:59

Teacher rude and inappropriate.

What if this had been a horror film instead of play?

Needanewname · 11/05/2011 18:03

I'd be pissed off if a teacher said that to my child.

I would go to the school and let the teacher know that I am not happy about the way my child was spoken to and that they are not going to see the play. And if there are any further comments made about this or anything else I would take it further to the head and governors.

Some might see that as going ott, but this is a form of bullying.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/05/2011 18:04

When I went to see it it said on the posters not suitable for children.

I would not let dd go - she is 13 and too young for it - I thought it was amazing but too scary for under 15's.

I had a look at the website for it and it doesn't say anything about age guidance now unfortunately. I would call the theatre and ask if they have any age restrictions on it - just in case you want ammo for the teacher.

emsyj · 11/05/2011 18:11

YANBU the play is terrifying.

GetOrfMoiCase · 11/05/2011 18:15

Christ! What goes on in this play? How can a play be so scary it makes you scream? Please tell (am dying to see this now)

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