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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Keep DS off school on Sports Day?

76 replies

SineadTemptation · 10/05/2011 14:08

DS really hates school, he has few friends, is quite socially awkward and has dyspraxia so as you can imagine, Sports day is a nightmare for him. What makes it worse is that the kids at the school are very, very competative and take it all very seriously shouting and screaming etc and it really stresses DS out.

Sports day for ds is nothing but frustration, embarrassment and stress.

I remember the feeling all too well.

He's 10. AIBU to just let him have the day off? He's never usually off, his school attendance is excellent.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 10/05/2011 14:10

I know what I would do!

TeeBee · 10/05/2011 14:12

I would agree with you, it'll do him more harm being there by the sounds of things. Placate yourself by getting him some exercise and doing some work at home.

BeerTricksPotter · 10/05/2011 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AllGoodNamesGone · 10/05/2011 14:18

I would. My son has ASD and sometimes gets extremely stressed in the last few days of term when the routine is messed up and everyone is a bit hyper and silly so he has sometimes stayed home with the blessing of his teachers as he is gaining nothing from being there. We are talking perhaps three times in the course of his schooling and he is 13 now so it's not a case of letting him stay home when he simply can't be bothered to go! I think stress is a valid reason.

Sports day can be agony for some kids (always was for me!) so I'd let him have a "health day" instead!

bustersmummy · 10/05/2011 14:18

I would keep him off if it's seriously upsetting him.

TeeBee · 10/05/2011 14:18

It might also teach him that its pointless putting yourself in unnecessarily stressful situations, just for the sake of expectation. Wish my husband had learned this lesson early on!

Chil1234 · 10/05/2011 14:19

Isn't this one for the staff at school? I agree with the above that it's not especially constructive to use avoidance as a coping mechanism. And in a school environment, which is presumably all about inclusion, it's the responsibility of the teaching staff to make sure that all the children are getting something positive out of the experience and not feeling isolated or upset.

foxter · 10/05/2011 14:21

I agree with BeerTricks. I very clearly remember the boys lining the finishing line of the 100m sprint to laugh/hoot/whistle as I ran, with my huge boobies bouncing all over the place - no sports bra . It was extremely embarrassing but I got through it and, I like to think, it strengthened my character .

valiumredhead · 10/05/2011 14:21

I sympathise but it does send him the message that we can avoid things we're not comfortable with in life. Which as he gets older, is not a helpful message to be sending him

Or it teaches him that PE teachers are sadists and no good every comes out of putting yourself in a situation where you know you will be ridiculed

iphonedrone · 10/05/2011 14:22

I begged and begged my parents to take me out of school on swimming gala day. I was utterly rubbish at swimming and our school took it very seriously, plus you were put into teams so the pressure from the other kids was awful.

They didn't take me out and it was honestly a horrible day, I was last in all my races (obviously) everyone on my team was sighing and moaning and shouting at me.

It certainly didn't teach me some big life lesson.....other than my parents being a bit crap tbh

MintyMoo · 10/05/2011 14:23

YANBU - I have dyspraxia and my Mum kept me off a few sports days/told the school in no uncertain terms I was not to participate.

One school got funny with her but she replied sweetly that when they stopped the other children pointing and laughing at my attempts to participate and calling me a 'spaz' then she would be happy for me to take part. I had the day off in the end.

In secondary school I carefully navigated around it, did shot put in yr 7 but no-one bothered to come and collect me to take part so a friend of mine took my place, in year 8 I did the swimming sports day (my school had a pool). I spent Sports Day of year 9 as an 'official', year 10 I went home sick with Glandular Fever, years 11 and 13 didn't do Sports Day as it was after GCSEs/A levels and in year 12 I hid myself in the school toilets I used to hide from my PE teacher throughout the 6th form. Two years and she never realised where I was (it had automatic lights so as soon as anyone approached the lights would come on and I would flee in to a cubicle so I could pretend I was actually using the loo.

I wasn't as clever as my Mum though, she was brought up on an island and would hide during cross country which was to run around a mountain on the island. She would then catch the bus back to near the school and tag along in the middle so it looked like she'd run with the others. They never did find out.

OP definitely let your DS have the day off, I had to throw a massive tantrum at his age to get the day off but as soon as Mum said I didn't have to do it that year if I didn't want to I was able to relax. When you're dyspraxic having something like Sports Day hanging over you is horrible, I hated the crowds, the noise, the names I would get called and constantly coming last/falling over spectacularly. I'd go do something lovely with your DS instead that day, my Mum took me to a swimming pool in another town so I still got exercise :)

nijinsky · 10/05/2011 14:24

I think you should encourage your DS to develop coping mechanisms, rather than avoidance mechanisms. If he learned to cope with such things well, then he could be having a lot of fun. Sport can be a real outlet for such children and help build confidence if handled correctly. By having such a negative attitude yourself, you are doing nothing to help him in the long term.

NorfolkNChance · 10/05/2011 14:24

In the first instance I would talk to the school. I had a boy like your son in my form a few years ago, on Sports day it was agreed he would have certain jobs to do for the teachers and in the end he was one of the timers for the races. He was so focussed on his stopwatch that he was able to zone out the screaming etc.

If school cannot offer something along those lines THEN is the time to consider what would be best for him as regards staying at home.

Hth

YusMilady · 10/05/2011 14:25

I agree with Chil - speak to the school. There should be some form of structure to the day even for those children who are not competing. And if as you say your son hates school all of the time, not just on Sports Day, then a conversation is definitely in order to help things improve for him.

I loathed Sports Day too, so I do sympathise, but my parents would have skinned me alive if I'd skived off.

meditrina · 10/05/2011 14:26

I agree with Chil: this is something the staff should be sorting out. With a dx of dyspraxia, they ought to be proactive about how he is included in activities which are difficult for him. This could be something like making sure he is with the less competitive children, in a less noisy place, or even has a non-competing role (assistant score keeper? throwing/jumping event measurer?)

JoanofArgos · 10/05/2011 14:26

You're not unreasonable to want to, but the problem is he's got another 6 years of sports days - you can't do it every time.

It's hard, though.

BeerTricksPotter · 10/05/2011 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coppertop · 10/05/2011 14:28

For me it would depend on how sports day is usually handled. My 10yr-old finds sports difficult (ASD, lots of dyspraxic traits) but his school do what they can to make sure everyone is fully included. No-one is forced to compete and the children crossing the finishing line long after everyone else usually get bigger cheers than the race-winners.

If your school is one of those where it's all taken very seriously then I can certainly understand why you would want to keep him off. Is there any chance of him being given something else to do instead while the other children are racing? Helping with drinks or helping to put equipment away maybe?

valiumredhead · 10/05/2011 14:29

You're not unreasonable to want to, but the problem is he's got another 6 years of sports days - you can't do it every time

Well, technically she can..........

BeerTricksPotter · 10/05/2011 14:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MintyMoo · 10/05/2011 14:32

BeerTricks - I have to disagree, as long as people aren't allowed to get away with everything they don't want to do then missing the odd extreme event isn't going to hurt. (I had a boyfriend with Aspergers who, and his siblings, simply had to sneeze and would get a week off school, that's the extreme!)

Mum wouldn't let me skip maths because it was important, sports day is hell on earth for every dyspraxic person I know, it's not important in the same way maths, english and science are so missing sports day wasn't going to turn me in to a lifelong quitter.

I'm glad my parents did it for me, I now have other disabilities and often need to decline to do something for various reasons, for example I'm not allowed to drink alcohol on Drs orders, I'm not allowed to run or do high impact sports on my Physiotherapists orders. Fortunately I accepted at 5 when I was first allowed not to do Sports Day that sometimes there are things we're never going to be good at/or able to do and it makes having to not do stuff a lot easier to accept as an adult.

I'm also glad they taught me it's ok not to embarrass yourself if you don't want to - I decline to dance at parties/weddings for example because I'm horrifically bad at it and fed up of people pointing at me, laughing and saying 'look at the spaz dance' (and yes, someone did say that to me)

ConnorTraceptive · 10/05/2011 14:32

I would keep him off. I know in general we shouldn't encourage our children to avoid difficult situations but the OP's son is obviously struggling with more than just one aspect of school and growing up so I say encourage and help him face difficult situations that are important and cut him some slack on the ones that aren't so important.

DS2 has some SN and although he is only little at the moment I really belive it's important for his self esteem not to continually force him into situations where he can't cope or will constantly fail.

ScousyFogarty · 10/05/2011 14:35

sinead...nothing wrong with that. Some children will never like or even get sports.

I dont see why they should be dragooned into it

MintyMoo · 10/05/2011 14:38

it's funny, the only sports day I did do was a team based one at 11, everyone was in teams mixed from 4 to 11 and we all took part and had fun, you won/lost as a team so there was less of an emphasis on the individual. I did do one race at 7 as well, with a little girl with SN and my best friend who purposefully ran slowly so that we all finished roughly the same and got a big cheer. That school was much nicer though, they just said that those of us who weren't as good could run together so no-one's miles behind. No namecalling :)

I don't remember much of the day I had sports day off, I do remember Mum came to watch and made a point of telling a Mum who said I should be participating that she was curious as to why her 5 year old DD had called me a 'spaz' as she really didn't understand where children that young would get that attitude from. It was in front of a massive crowd of parents who all looked away.

I fucking love my Mum, she's such a Tigress when it comes to defending me! :)

nijinsky · 10/05/2011 14:38

See, I know two guys with AS in my sports clubs, and if it wern't for them participating in these sports, they would have virtually no social life outside their own families. They aren't particularly good at other sports but developed good skills in thesse particular sports (running and cycling). The runner I know did it from school, although he was always better at distance running than sprinting. But the fact is he got out there and participated. He's now taken up ballroom dancing, partly to improve his co-ordination, because participating in athletics has given him the idea of taking part in other organised activities. Competitive sport actually has is actually very structured and there are patterns and routines to be followed.

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