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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Keep DS off school on Sports Day?

76 replies

SineadTemptation · 10/05/2011 14:08

DS really hates school, he has few friends, is quite socially awkward and has dyspraxia so as you can imagine, Sports day is a nightmare for him. What makes it worse is that the kids at the school are very, very competative and take it all very seriously shouting and screaming etc and it really stresses DS out.

Sports day for ds is nothing but frustration, embarrassment and stress.

I remember the feeling all too well.

He's 10. AIBU to just let him have the day off? He's never usually off, his school attendance is excellent.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 10/05/2011 22:51

Can the school not find your DS useful support jobs to do? Holding the finishing tape, handing out programmes etc. There must be something he can do that would enable him to feel included and useful, but without having to compete.

Milliways · 10/05/2011 22:59

I used to hate primary sports days. I had a severe in-toeing (femoral anteversion) so in Yr 1&2 I couldn't run without tripping, and after surgery was very slow. Coming last was a cert unless someone fell over (when I was very pleased Blush )

However, i will ALWAYS remember coming 3rd in a skipping race heat in Yr6 (even though I was last in the final). I was soooo pleased and my MUm was ecstatic.

By secondary school I didn't care and found things other than running to have a go at. I DO remember hating those days, but I did learn from it and it did get easier over the years. I also gained a great empathy for others who struggle at things others find so easy.

TheSmallClanger · 10/05/2011 23:01

I've noticed a couple of people have trotted out the line about the slow kids/disabled kids getting "the biggest cheers".
I was a slow kid with a dodgy foot who always came last, and the "big cheers" the others so kindly dished out were not welcome, they were mortifying. By secondary, the cheerers knew that, as well.

Mum gave me a sick note once, but usually I just volunteered for the throwing events that no-one cared about.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 10/05/2011 23:05

I would. My ds is 8 and doesn't like school, and hates sports and sports day even more.

In ks1 they did mainly obstacle courses and things, and he had to be coaxed into it and often ended up in tears. Now he is in ks2 it will be mainly proper races and he will hate it. He is just not sporty at all and i fail to see why he MUST take part.

stealthsquiggle · 10/05/2011 23:15

I think by letting him not go (and, ideally, talking to the school and explaining why) you teach him that you understand and do take him seriously.

I can still remember every single incident of sports-related humiliation of my childhood - which, in my view, means I was scarred by it. He's 10 - old enough to express an opinion and to have that opinion taken seriously.

My DS , OTOH, finished his races last and in tears last year. He loathes athletics, but since he seems to do well in other sports it is very different to the OP, and I do take the view that it is good for him to have to do one thing which he does not find easy.

sleepingsowell · 10/05/2011 23:19

My ds is 8 and has never been to a sports day. He has hypermobility and is very un co-ordinated and regularly falls over just walking along the road, never mind in bizarre races where you have to use a sack or carry an egg or eat some crackers in the middle Hmm

I was a very sporty child but remember sports days as boring with 'sports'/races I had no interest in, and I disliked being faced with the totally competitive element - I wasn't last, but I was soft hearted and couldn't bear to see the kids who were or who really struggled. Miserable all round. Just another thing schools do I think because it's such a tradition/for the parents.

Certainly not important enough for me to force my son to take part in just to have no fun at all and no affirmation of himself at all.

everyspring · 10/05/2011 23:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummytime · 10/05/2011 23:21

SmallClanger I said about the biggest cheers because it was true for those kids. I also have to say to see the girl with Downs play to the audience and the grin on her face when she competed showed she enjoyed it. I also said that the school does less high profile sports when parents aren't there, so you can always opt for those (eg. Long jump) if you prefer.

I was awful at sports, dyspraxic and slow. I was also in the "sporty" house at school. I used to volunteer for the activity that no-one could be good at eg. throwing the tennis ball, running backwards etc. Sports day was far better than normal sports lessons where I would be regularly humiliated by being the last to be chosen for teams, or have to practise 100m, 400m etc.

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 10/05/2011 23:32

as a child who hated school sports because I was terrible at it and often given the green light by mum, to opt out of it, along with many other things I was terrible at. this eased much anxiety as a child as a short term solution but in the long run it did nothing for myself esteem and actualy compounded a lack of confidance and defeatist attitude through out my life.

Im in my 30s now and only now finding that determination we should all have in actually I may not be great at this but Im going to have a bloody good go. dispite ability or disability, easier said than done I know sometimes but the school must have an inclusive attitude.

I think you and ds should both talk to school about this.

Saggyoldclothcatpuss · 10/05/2011 23:51

I don't think you ABU. I wasn't dyspraxic, just an unsporty kid. Tiny, skinny, active, bu I just couldn't run. Every race I ever entered I came last. I used to be laughed at, teased, picked on and told off for spoiling sports day for others. I used to just spend every sports day sobbing. The pressure was overwhelming, and I just dreaded it.
My mum never kept me off. Every sports day I hated her a little for that. I don't think for a second that keeping me home would have taught me anything other than that my mother had a little compassion.
All this 'teaching him bad habits' crap is just that. You dont grow up with character defects just because you don't attend sports day!

pinkstarlight · 11/05/2011 00:02

my son also has dyspraxia and i understand where your coming from wanting to protect him but in my case i would send my child school mainly because i dont want him to spend the rest of his life avoiding difficult situations,dyspraxia is part of my sons life and its not going to go away he has to learn to live with it and accept his limitations.

risingstar · 11/05/2011 01:17

My dd2 is not dyspraxic but has always hated sports day with a passion- even from the age of 4. she hates the noise and everyone watching and commenting.

we came to an agreement in year 6 that she would never ever have to do another one as this now avoids weeks of stress and worry. when she is randomly told "you will represtent the house at high jump" she smiles sweetly knowing that she is doing no such thing.

i have no issues at all in phoning her in sick- this is exactly what i would do myself if my employer decided to have a sports day!

luckylavender · 11/05/2011 06:34

So if you had a child who was say, severely dyslexic and just couldn't do maths and every maths lesson was agony... would you keep him off maths?

mitochondria · 11/05/2011 07:07

luckylavender - no. Maths has a point to it. Sports day - not so much.

Anyway, schools don't do "competitive maths" where the child who struggles with it has to attempt sums in front of all the children and their parents, where the children who can do sums are cheered and celebrated. There are, as far as I know, no "maths teams" where the captain picks on ability, so the child who can't do maths is left until the end, or feeling that they have let their team down by their inability to do sums.

DSH · 11/05/2011 07:14

I always keep my DD (ASD) off for sports day. She has enough other challenges in life to teach her 'coping skills'.

Sports is never going to feature in her life so why go through the agony of those god awful sports days.

coppertop · 11/05/2011 09:32

TheSmallClanger - My ds had a huge grin on his face when he was cheered but obviously other children may well react differently.

mycarscallednev · 11/05/2011 09:42

Take the day off, go somewhere lovely together, and have a wonderful day knowing that out of all the difficult things an SEN child has to cope with, that are out of your control, this is something that you can do. Why make a child feel more 'different'. People who say 'well they'll come up against it another year' have no idea what it is like to see your child struggle at school, both with peer pressure and the 'knowing' that they have a disability physically or mentally. With each year the coping skills become better, and each year the decision is taken on that years merit.
My son hated sports day, and cried and cried. His teachers told me he wasn't being a 'sportsman' [he was 6], I asked how many, through all the practise he had managed to come not first but in at least the top 3. 'Oh, He's been last in every one - but some one has to be' - was the reply. Never, ever again, and anyway we Home Ed now!

catherinemedici · 11/05/2011 09:46

Keep him home absolutely. My dd has hemiplegia and also hates sports day. She has never attended one after reception and is now in year 9. Humiliation never helps anyone. Her attendance is fine the rest of the year.

venusandmars · 11/05/2011 10:06

Another vote for keeping him off school. And another person who agrees that the public humiliation of sports day is barbaric. Could you organise your own activity time on that day, just enjoy being active for the sake of it.

sleepingsowell · 11/05/2011 11:09

exactly mitochondria, well put. For a child with dyslexia/dyspraxia, each and every minute that they are in school is a huge effort, and often is part of a never ending stream of negative feelings because everything they attempt is either not a success or is something that they can very clearly see is not on a par with their peers - and their peers can see it, too.

This is why many parents who have experience in dealing with these children are sensitive and kind when it comes to things like sports days. I don't need to send my son in that day so that he 'doesn't avoid things that are difficult'....he spends his LIFE facing difficult situations and overcoming them.

BeautifulBlondePineapple · 11/05/2011 11:46

I would speak to the school as well. At our school they used to do a "Games Day" instead of Sports Day. There was the usual stuff like running, hurdles, javelin, shot putt etc, but there were options for those that weren't as sporty or as able as some of the others. Chess for example.

sleepingsowell · 11/05/2011 12:04

games day sounds a really good idea Smile

MintyMoo · 11/05/2011 12:07

sleepingsowell - well put. I spend my life facing difficult situations and sometimes I do decide to opt out of stuff that is unnecessary.

I'd say it's a bit like picking your battles, I would always lose the sports day battle so I declined to participate and focused my energy on my academic work instead as I knew there was a possibility that I would win that battle :)

MrsVidic · 11/05/2011 12:20

Op before i read your post I was going to go on about how it's a bad example etc but as I read on I realise you are not being unreasonable. However, if you keep him off could you get him into any sports which would suit him out of school? Just to show him not all sport is a bad experience?

MackerelOfFact · 11/05/2011 12:21

YANBU at all. The humiliation of sports day is just so public. You don't get that in any other school subject. The ones who are bad at science, maths, english or art can just keep it to themselves, nobody aside from their parents and teachers need ever know. If you're bad at sport, you have to suffer the humiliation of obviously coming last in front of a crowd of strangers. Awful.

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