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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to phone another Mum and tell her that if her dd doesn't stop her backbiting I will get the school involved

62 replies

Buddhastic · 10/05/2011 12:44

Or should I butt out and let her deal with it herself. My dd(13) home again today really upset because her friend is telling everyone about an argument they had and asking them 'whose side are you on?'. This has led to filthy looks and my dd being ignored by people she hardly knows (different classes) because they are only hearing one side of the story. This 'friend' has done this three times before and although I would prefer if they weren't friends my dd is a complete sap and gets taken in the minute the 'friend' is nice to her again. They have exams next week and my dd is stressed about them as it is. I will say my dd wasn't blameless in the argument and should not have responded to a text that was sent from the 'friend' to my younger dd. But she did and after reading the texts they both said silly things.

OP posts:
feggyart · 10/05/2011 12:46

I have learnt the hard way to stay out of petty squabbles as much as it hurts.

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 10/05/2011 12:46

If it happened at school then I would call the school and get them to do something. If your DD was at fault too, then perhaps a talking to from a teacher for the pair of them might work. Telling the Mum will IMO just lead to more problems.

Littlefish · 10/05/2011 12:47

Speak to the school and let them deal with it.

valiumredhead · 10/05/2011 12:48

You need to stay out of it - they are 13 not 3, hard as that is.

MercurySoccer · 10/05/2011 12:48

Talking to the mother will cause more trouble. I'd speak to the school.

crazynanna · 10/05/2011 12:49

I would do things the other way around. Contact the school in the first instance.

In my bitter experience,approaching parents' is always messy.

bustersmummy · 10/05/2011 12:50

I too would go to the school first.

Going direct to the parent rarely ends well.

AgentZigzag · 10/05/2011 12:50

It's bloody horrible seeing it all happen in front of you to your 'baby' and not be able to do a damn thing.

But I'm afraid I agree with feggyart, it'd kick up much more of a stink if you got involved and had a word with her mum or the school.

That is unless you think it's crossed that very hard to define line into the realms of bullying.

With the texting though it sounds six to one half a dozen to the other.

I hate this kind of shit.

MercurySoccer · 10/05/2011 12:50

And if the mother is similar you may find yourself being ignored by people you hardly know because they've only heard one side of the story...

BitOfFun · 10/05/2011 12:50

At that age, I would say that you need to keep out of it (unless we are talking serious bullying, in which case get the school involved). You can be there for your daughter, a shoulder to cry on, a few words of advice and reassurance, but it really doesn't help to immerse yourself in her friendship issues. I know it sounds hard, but girls this age go through this very often, and it only really changes as they all mature a bit. But you can be the calm person at the eye of the storm, and she will eventually get through it,

psiloveyou · 10/05/2011 12:51

My dd is 23 now and from bitter experience I say stay out of it. I have two more DDs 7 and 3 and I will never again get involved. Girls are horrible to each other at that age but they usually end up best friends again and poor mum who tried to help looks a complete fool.

londonone · 10/05/2011 12:51

Yes contact the school, because teachers have nothing better to do with their time that deal with the petty squabbles of teenagers. FFS

Francagoestohollywood · 10/05/2011 12:52

I've just erased my post and I'll say:

I totally agree with BitofFun!

ggirl · 10/05/2011 12:53

fgs
stay out of it
she is old enough to fight her own petty battles
nowt to do with the school

ggirl · 10/05/2011 12:54

and agree ,just be there to advise and listen
do not get involved

compo · 10/05/2011 12:55

You've allowed her to stay at home because she's upset about a squabble?!

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 12:56

If there is good pastoral care at the school then have a word with them. Schools now are pro active in stoping situations from escalating.

I wouldn't contact the other mother because at present it is just an immature teenage type of drama and if you start to get caught up in these you will lose your sanity (i have three teenage DD's).

Plasticandpaste · 10/05/2011 12:57

If you are close to the mother, and feel confident she will react well, then fine to talk to her (being careful not to blame her dd for the situation). I'd only involve the school if you think it's a bullying problem.

Otherwise, just help your DD cope. There's an important lesson to learn here about putting unkind thoughts into type that can then be shown to others...

seeker · 10/05/2011 12:57

If you get involved it will escalate. If it's bullying - that is, if your dd feels bullied, then go to the school. Otherwise, be a listening ear, make lots of whatever the summer equivalent of hot chocolate is (ice cream sodas in this family) and do absolutely nothing.

If you intervene, apart form anything else, you risk your dd never twlling you anything else again.

Oh, and take ANYTHING your child tells you with a pinch of salt. You are also only hearing one side of the story!

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 12:59

londone-the role of pastoral care in school has changed and if a child is upset by a situation they would rather be contacted. Schools are staffed differently than they were even a couple of years age and it is not teaching staff that deal with such issues. ECM has changed the whole structure.

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 10/05/2011 12:59

If you are really concerned about the effect that it is having on your DD and if you think it is bullying then go to the school. Otherwise leave them to sort it out themselves. Hopeefully the school would just give them a 'grow up and think of others' feelings kind of talk' and that would be it. Don't speak to the other mum.

Insomnia11 · 10/05/2011 13:01

Spreading rumour about other people is bullying, regardless of the ins and outs of how it started.

This site may be able to help you or your daughter.

www.bullying.co.uk/advice/anti-bullying-advice

Insomnia11 · 10/05/2011 13:02

Here's the link again:

www.bullying.co.uk/advice/anti-bullying-advice

Original poster
Buddhastic · 10/05/2011 13:04

eh compo was a bit annoyed so missed out an 'is'. Have calmed down so am thinking a bit more clearly and noo I wouldn't keep her home even though it's not a squabble it has been going on all year and is low level bullying. However, after reading above posts I do agree I need to stay out of it as dd always gets the better of her as friends get peed off at the other girl and she is forced to apologise. It's just so annoying

  1. that my clever dd can't see through it.
  2. exams are coming up and dd has missed school after glandular fever so is stressed about them.
OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 13:05

Getting problems sorted out earlier can make teaching and running the school easier. It also makes the school a happier place to be for all of the pupils as arguemernts especially with teenage girls always have a ripple effect.

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