to phone another Mum and tell her that if her dd doesn't stop her backbiting I will get the school involved

[Buddhastic]

Or should I butt out and let her deal with it herself. My dd(13) home again today really upset because her friend is telling everyone about an argument they had and asking them 'whose side are you on?'. This has led to filthy looks and my dd being ignored by people she hardly knows (different classes) because they are only hearing one side of the story. This 'friend' has done this three times before and although I would prefer if they weren't friends my dd is a complete sap and gets taken in the minute the 'friend' is nice to her again. They have exams next week and my dd is stressed about them as it is. I will say my dd wasn't blameless in the argument and should not have responded to a text that was sent from the 'friend' to my younger dd. But she did and after reading the texts they both said silly things.

In that case you should know better than anyone that the thresholds for ss involvement are getting higher and higher and schools are being expected to somehow pick up the slack, despite negligible training in most cases.

I do accept that some LA's are not as good as others. I am fortunate to work under a high performing LA.

Yes that would be nice!!!

mother to mother is the worst way to handle this.
Speak to form tutor/head of year if you're really concerned.

I remember that when I was a teenager and I had silly fallings out with my BFF I was always grateful that my mum never got involved. I remember thinking that friend's mum's who did get involved with their kids arguments were very childish and should know better!

Maybe its because I do not have teenagers yet but I would contact someone at the school, with DC permission, and explain my DC was stressed and worried about exams - because she has missed some school due to illness. I would also mention in passing that this other girls behaviour throughout the year has also been a source of upset and distress and is currently making the exam worries worse.

I would then hope school could offer more support or re-assurance to my DC regarding work and keep an eye on the other issue just in case it is more than a falling out and petty behaviour.

My parents took the it not that serious you have to sort it out approach when I was being bullied - it was often low level with occasional random flare ups of a lot worse - shattered my self -esteem and made me think my parents were dis-interested in me and any problems I had.

I've been through this with my 13yo dd a few months ago. I only found out when school rang me at work to ask where dd was - she'd decided not to go to school as everyone hated her - all over an argument on Facebook that had got out of hand.

She was so upset, got herself all hysterical, and it broke my heart seeing her so upset. I did sent a note to her form teacher, really just so they could monitor the situation in case it did escalate further. However, by the next week it had all blown over, and dd's confidence has improved by facing up to the problems and returning to school.

I remember being that age at school, and going through the exact same thing. It really is awful, teenage girls are just so so horrible! I know it'll happen again, but she needs to be the one to deal with it.

BGF they do have a pastoral care and I will talk to them if i need to. Hopefully, it blows over this quickly this time. As I said on previous occasions the girls mixed friends have got fed up and told other girl to stop or they wouldn't be her friend as she went on and on.

my 14 yo had a miserable few months earlier this year - I wanted to post things on facebook, glare at people in the street, demand of other mothers why the hell their child was making mine so unhappy.... I knew it would not help though.

'Getting the school involved' is the wrong way to see it (ie as an act of war, in which the school will Sort Out the bad kid....) talking to the school about what's going on and asking for their help, though, is a very good idea. Don't name names, refer to 'another student' or whatever: they'll probably know who you mean.

Best thing I did - in the sense that it really made me feel a lot better, and it helped - was speak to the form tutor.

(dd still doesn't know I did! )

I agree JOA - with making school aware not involved. I'm sorry your dc has been having a rough time recently, that's rotten.

There is a school counsellor lady at ds's school for situations like this for when things really cross the line from silly school stuff to bullying.

We would want to know about it at my school. I have had a similar situation with girls in my tutor group, and in fact the person who was having the hardest time was a friend of both who was caught in the middle. I was able to support her, and do some tutor activities about relationships. These things need to be dealt with gently IME, but a bit of gentle support is no bad thing.

Def agree to keep out of it, support your daughter by listening and doing everything you can to boost her and prepare her emotionally for exams: rest, nice food, trips out etc.

BTW area your DDs at an American School? I get the impression having had DCs at International Schools overseas that the American Moms fan the flames of this sort of intrigue whereas other nations see them as Playground dramas to be left at the school gate.