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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to phone another Mum and tell her that if her dd doesn't stop her backbiting I will get the school involved

62 replies

Buddhastic · 10/05/2011 12:44

Or should I butt out and let her deal with it herself. My dd(13) home again today really upset because her friend is telling everyone about an argument they had and asking them 'whose side are you on?'. This has led to filthy looks and my dd being ignored by people she hardly knows (different classes) because they are only hearing one side of the story. This 'friend' has done this three times before and although I would prefer if they weren't friends my dd is a complete sap and gets taken in the minute the 'friend' is nice to her again. They have exams next week and my dd is stressed about them as it is. I will say my dd wasn't blameless in the argument and should not have responded to a text that was sent from the 'friend' to my younger dd. But she did and after reading the texts they both said silly things.

OP posts:
GandTiceandaslice · 10/05/2011 13:06

stay out of it.

squeakytoy · 10/05/2011 13:06

Spreading rumour about other people is bullying

It is normal teenage behaviour, that carries on throughout life.

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 13:07

If it is a recurring problem then the school could tailor PSE to cover what is going on without the girls knowing what has been said.

londonone · 10/05/2011 13:11

birdsgottafly - I am more than familiar with all the additional issues that schools are now supposed to address. As far as I know the government has not yet decreed that it is the responsibility of teachers that no child should ever fall out with another, but I should imagine it's only time. IME it is teaching staff who end up dealing with these sorts of petty issues, few schools have a wholly separate pastoral department and in any case they are invariably managed by teachers anyway.

Insomnia11 · 10/05/2011 13:12

When I was bullied - this sort of thing, minus the mobile phones, I felt too awful to tell my parents about it and certainly there wasn't a teacher I could have approached. Not sure what, if any, action they would have taken anyway. Loads of name calling (not just towards me) went on in class and I can't remember a single instance of a teacher picking up on it as bullying behaviour, only general classroom disruption. I just kept it all in and was bullied on and off throughout secondary school. It only stopped when I went to a separate sixth form college, which was like a breath of fresh air.

londonone · 10/05/2011 13:13

Birdsgottafly - I can only presume from your last post that you work at a school where there are no actual serious social issues.

BitOfFun · 10/05/2011 13:18

I worked in a school in one of the most deprived areas of the country, and we took pastoral care very seriously. I specifically ran a course developing social support and confidence for girls of this age group, and we did it precisely because unpleasant infighting (among other issues) does impact a lot on learning. So many schools do see this kind of thing as an issue worth addressing, londonone. I can't speak for where you live, obviously.

Flippingebay · 10/05/2011 13:21

We all want to step in and try and solve out childrens problems, especially when we can see they are hurt or upset. But sometimes you just need to sit aside and let them sort it out themselves. It'll be a valuble lesson for her around actions have consequences and who is a good friend. My Mum always used to tell me that if my friends were treating me like that, 'then they aren't worth having as friends'. Plus I'd be mortified if my Mum contacted the school about an argument when I was 13.

Yes it might be classed a bullying but sometimes we have to learn how to stand up for ourselves and take the 'highground' so to speak.

If it's a recurring problem and she 'really' upset rather than upset temp, then that's the time to start thinking about calling the school.

londonone · 10/05/2011 13:23

Absolutely Bitoffun, as a work with a whole cohort or a large group but not for members of staff to sort out the individual petty rows between teenage girls.

BitOfFun · 10/05/2011 13:29

Yes, it was a group run for a few girls identified as likely to benefit, rather than a swat team for specific arguments that came up. But it still could be worth asking to speak to one of the learning mentors etc so that the OP's daughter could be included in this kind of initiative if it goes on. For now though, I'd say step back and just help her muddle through. It sounds very normal, even typical, behaviour for that age group, and unfortunately is just part of growing up. Be there to listen and keep an eye out if it seems to be getting more serious or she is showing signs of being more deeply distressed.

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 13:32

londone-i don't work in a school but my DD's have attented schools in areas where the social issues are at their worse. The more disadvantaged an area the more funding there is for pastoral care. There are appointed members of staff to sort out exactly these problems. What starts as a petty row escalates. As i said there has been big changes in the structure of schools since ECM and if your particular school are not doing what they should then complain they are receiving the funds to do so.

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 13:33

The more social problems the more seriously they take problems such as these. I live in the North West.

florencedougal · 10/05/2011 13:34

keep out of it, you will look a fool and probably the kids will be friends again and all forgotten if you keep out

londonone · 10/05/2011 13:38

birdsgottafly - sorry, you gave the impression you worked in a school. You right that the funding for pastoral care is greater in deprived areas and that is because there are greater problems i.e children not being fed at home, having nowehere to live etc. The funding for pastoral care is to deal with these actual problems not the petty squabbles of teenage girls. I work with many many schools and none of them would appreciate having to deal with petty issues like this, they have somewhat bigger fish to fry!

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 13:45

londone part of ECM is to 'enjoy and achieve' the funds are there for emotional problems and what is being described as a petty squabble not the more serious issues. The SS are there for them. It obviously varies from LA to LA because in my district they do involve themselves in these issues. All schools will have a 'code of conduct and statement of behaviour' which will include even name calling getting others involved, so they are going against there own guidelines if they do not get involved. But that does not surprise me alot of schools do not carry out their SN policies either.

Original poster
Buddhastic · 10/05/2011 13:47

londonone unfortunately, whilst this might be a 'petty' squabble to you it's not to my dd who has cried many times over it this year. I just asked for some advice while I was calming both my child and myself down. I got the advice and the time needed to take a breath. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Loie159 · 10/05/2011 13:48

Unless you are friends with the mum then no dont involve her..... She will defend her DD and it will get messy.
I think you need to tell the school but work with your daughter to help her understand that this girl is NOT nice and not her friend. She needs to distance herself from this girl and needs your help to do it. People tend to think of bullying as a group of children selecting one child and picking on them / making nasty remarks / hurting them, but it can just as easily be a supposed "friend". Its sometimes more complicated when it is a friend as your DD is going to be struggling with quite complicated emotions - "why is she horrible to me if she is my friend etc". But sadly your DD needs to learn that some people are just not very nice. I think the school might be able to help if you explain

Original poster
Buddhastic · 10/05/2011 13:49

Oh and I pay for my dd's schooling and don't live in the UK so no government money being sent this way.

OP posts:
thedirtydirtybastards · 10/05/2011 13:51

I agree with BOF, on balance

but I don't think it is petty, this stuff is bloody painful when you are a teenager

in fact if I fall out with a friend I get very upset and shaky, and I am 34

none of them should have mobiles or be texting anyway IMO, it is asking for trouble

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 13:56

Op- the school should at least have what is called pastoral care of some sort.

BTW-the government doesn't have money (they get well paid to do their job), the tax payers supply it.

Original poster
Buddhastic · 10/05/2011 13:57

I agree tddb and my dd was the last girl in her class to get one. She wasn't bothered it was another Mum who told me that she was the only one not to have one, so we caved. Anyway, she is up in her room after a cuddle some lunch and a chat. We will see what tomorrow brings and I will try not to get so wound up as that doesn't help really. It's just hard when you see them so upset.

OP posts:
londonone · 10/05/2011 13:57

birdsgottafly - I have to assume that you don't know anything about thresholds for SS involvement if you think that the things I spoke about are simply going to be dealt with by SS! Your school obviously choose to deal with things in one way, but that is down to the head rather that statutory requirements.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/05/2011 13:57

You really need to step back; your daughter is old enough to deal with this herself, it's a silly schoolgirl bitchy thing. You've said that your daughter isn't blameless in this herself. If you intervene, even a little bit, you'll make it so much worse.

In your position, I'd be reminding my daughter to be true to herself and her own values and thinking about her own behaviour that makes her ashamed.

If you think it would help, you could have a word with the form teacher and ask her if there's any possibility of subtly 'removing' your daughter from this friend and putting her with other girls in the class for projects, activities, etc. This might give your daughter some confidence, enough to step away from her 'friend'.

I well remember what this was like at school, OP, many horrid days - but they weren't all horrid either. Some new friends could really be a good thing for your daughter.

londonone · 10/05/2011 14:00

If you think she is being bullied that is slightly different, but in your op you said yourself that she had been involved as well. Everything hurts when you're that age, you get your heart broken by a boy and think you will never love again, you fall out with friends and it seems like the end of the world, not having a phone is going to ruin your life etc

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2011 14:02

londone i am a CP SW. Those children that you mention come under section 17 of the 1989 Children Act. If your LA isn't picking up on them they are acting outside of the guidelines. Granted now because of the cuts children on the cusp will be ignored.