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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not be comfortable with MIL looking after DD when she so blatently favours her other grandson?

51 replies

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 08:49

DD is now 4 months old and is a lovely, placid child. MIL has offered to look after her 2 days a week when I go back to work in a month. We said yes because financially it would be the best thing for us and I thought at the time that I would rather have DD looked after by someone who loves her.

But.. MIL does not seem to have any interest in her. When she comes to visit us or we go to her quite often she does not even hold DD and even when I've asked her if she wants to.hold her she might have her for 2mins and then pass her someone else. This is even worse when her 1yr old grandson is about, she just fawns over him and barely looks at DD. She takes photos and videos of him and none of DD. I have even given her some photos of DD but she has not framed then but has about 3 up of her grandson.

When DD was 6 weeks old me and DD had a conversation with her about this and DH told her that we wouldn't be comfortable with leaving DD with her unless she becomes closer to her. MIL said that she will be ok with her when she is on her own with her. But I have no evidence of this, and she's still the same with her now she's 4 months.

Also if she feels uncomfortable with me or DH around, I really haven't done anything to warrent this. I relish all the help I can get because its hard work looking after a 4 month old, and I have told her that. But still she doesn't seem to have interest in DD and I am due back to work very soon.. stressed..

Or maybe its me overreacting?

OP posts:

breatheslowly · 10/05/2011 09:00

I'd get her name down for a CM or nursery. You need to be happy going back to work and it sounds like you would be more confident knowing that your DD is well cared for. A small baby is hard work for whole days and your MIL doesn't sound responsive enough to your DD to make it work and give her the stimulation she needs. I feel really happy that my DD is in a nursery where the staff can "watch" each other and they have lots of activities for her. I would avoid making this an issue about her interest in her other grandchild.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/05/2011 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarletOHaHa · 10/05/2011 09:20

Ask her to babysit for a few hours?

squeakytoy · 10/05/2011 09:22

Their relationship will probably grow if they spend more time together.

Original poster

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 09:27

She has already babysat for a few hours (very uncomfortable few hours for me), and MIL said it went great and she was as good as gold, but she's still very cool with DD when we are around. I have thought that maybe its just when we are around but why on earth would she be like that, surely she would want us to think of her as the doting grandma.

OP posts:

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 10/05/2011 09:29

You overreacting and overthinking. It is difficult to bond with a baby especially when parents are around and hovering. Much easier to deal with a toddler who give feed back.

If you let her have your DD they at least will have a chance to bond. Try a few baby sitting 1st. If I am alone with baby I do a lot of singing and silly games, which I am very selfconscious to do around any adults, she might be like that too.

I haven't have any picture of DD2 framed yet she is 15 months, if you come to my house you will probably think I only have eyes for DD1 . Not true

LeMousquetaireAnonyme · 10/05/2011 09:31

may be that is why she probably can feel your reticence.

SpiderObsession · 10/05/2011 09:33

Unfortunately you can't make your MIL become closer to your DD. Trust your instinct on this. If you believe it would be detrimental to your DD for your MIL to look after her then don't go down that route. As others suggest put her name down for a childminder/nursery.

You could always try to build the relationship at weekends when you are there. Or for you to 'pop down the shops' so MIL can start to build a relationship on terms that you can end easily if it's not working (and MIL can too if its a problem for her).

ZonkedOut · 10/05/2011 09:37

I agree with Mousquetaire, why not give it a go for a bit and see how it goes. As your DD grows, I'm sure MIL will get more interested in her too. She probably appears to favour her grandson because she knows him better and he's more interactive.

breatheslowly · 10/05/2011 09:41

Perhaps you should keep your options open by visiting CM/nurseries and getting your MIL to look after your DD for short periods of time. When you go back to work you need to have a secure arrangement or back-up arrangement, otherwise you probably won't feel comfortable and will worry.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 10/05/2011 09:41

S'not nice is it ? When my niece was born I went into MIL's front room for christmas to find all the pictures of my dd had been taken out of the frames and replaced with pictures of the new baby. It's hurtful

breatheslowly · 10/05/2011 09:44

Apocalypse that is terrible. I still count the photos at my grandparents' house as I always had a sneaking suspicion that I was the least important grandchild.

olderyetwider · 10/05/2011 09:45

I'm a grandma to a (now) 6 month old. I love him very dearly, and enjoy babysitting, but I'm not itching to hold him all the time when he's here. I enjoy being his grandma, but let his parents look after him unless I'm looking after him without them (I offer to help/do things if asked.) This is because: 1. I don't want to take over or undermine DIL 2. It's nice to do other things as well as hold the baby 3. Grandchildren are lovely as you only take as much responsibility as you want to.

Your MIL's offer of free childcare 2 days a week is incredibly generous and shows huge commitment to your DD. Grandparent relationships are different from parental ones, they develop over time and your MIL is offering to develop her relationship with DD.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/05/2011 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/05/2011 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 10:05

Thank you all for good points. I will ask MIL to babysit a few times so I can build it up slowly but also look into CM.

I really appreciate your point of view olderbutwider being a grandma yourself and you are right it is very generous of her to offer.

Another thing is that I compare MIL to my own mum who is absolutely all over DD and cannot get enough of holding her, in fact all my family are like this with her. But then my family are all a bit baby mad so maybe I expect too much from MIL. I just want more than anything to feel ok about this and maybe building it up slowly will help.

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 10:09

I still believe that my nephew is the favourite though but I guess i shouldn't really be surprised as she favours DH's brother (nephews dad) over DH. Again difficult for me to accept as my family don't really do favourites.

OP posts:

LoonyRationalist · 10/05/2011 10:18

Could it just be that your MIL isn't mad about babies?? I know my mum enjoys my dd's much more now they are old enough to interact with her. She admits this herself.

Despite this I know that she was more than capable when caring for them as young babies. I wouldn't cancel your MIL, she wouldn't have offered if she didn't want to build a relationship with your dd & is very likely to be as good if not better than a paid for alternative.

Original poster

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 10:30

I don't think its that she's not mad about babies because she was forever taking pics/videos of my nephew when he was that age. I have considered that she may prefer BOYS though as she has had two of her own and 1 grandson and is just not used to girls.

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 10/05/2011 10:31

To be fair, 4 month olds don't really do anything, whereas I expect the 1 year old is toddling around, babbling, clapping etc. What would you video a 4 month old doing?

If you feel uncomfortable though, find a good childminder.

Original poster

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 10:34

Yeah I appreciate that ritamorgan. We video and are forever taking photos of DD but I guess that's because she's our first baby and we just adore her.

OP posts:

redskyatnight · 10/05/2011 10:37

My mother almost entirely ignored DD when she was a baby and was all over DS. To the point that we could go for an all day visit and I used to basically dump DD on her at the end of the day as she'd not held her the whole time.

Once DD learnt that you could get people's attention by pulling on their arms/legs the balance shifted slightly. Now they are 5 and 7 and DS doesn't want grandma hovering around him all the time, so she spends considerably more time with DD.

I guess it is natural to spend more time with the child who gives you "more back".

trice · 10/05/2011 10:42

She is not going to get more love and attention at a childminders than from her Granny. It is a good sign that your MIL loves her grandson. She just needs to build a relationship with your dd, and spending all day with her would be a great opportunity. You need to stop mentally setting your dd up in competition with her cousin. You have a MIL who is willing to look after your child for two whole days a week. How much more commitment does she have to show?

I'm bitter because my MIL has babysat once and ds is nearly 10. She lives five mins down the road.

Original poster

sweetuphoria · 10/05/2011 10:47

Thanks for the advice redskyatnight and trice, both great points!

OP posts:

GooGooMuck · 10/05/2011 10:49

A lot of people find babies a bit dull. Don't take it personally.

from what you have siad i think it would be fine for her to look after your DD. It sounds like she is just letting you get on with it. Maybe she is more comfortable round boys (why people think that the gender of a tiny baby affects anything makes me but there you go) but she will relax around your DD when you are not there.

If she was not interested in your DD she would not have offered to have her.

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