to not be comfortable with MIL looking after DD when she so blatently favours her other grandson?

[sweetuphoria]

DD is now 4 months old and is a lovely, placid child. MIL has offered to look after her 2 days a week when I go back to work in a month. We said yes because financially it would be the best thing for us and I thought at the time that I would rather have DD looked after by someone who loves her.

But.. MIL does not seem to have any interest in her. When she comes to visit us or we go to her quite often she does not even hold DD and even when I've asked her if she wants to.hold her she might have her for 2mins and then pass her someone else. This is even worse when her 1yr old grandson is about, she just fawns over him and barely looks at DD. She takes photos and videos of him and none of DD. I have even given her some photos of DD but she has not framed then but has about 3 up of her grandson.

When DD was 6 weeks old me and DD had a conversation with her about this and DH told her that we wouldn't be comfortable with leaving DD with her unless she becomes closer to her. MIL said that she will be ok with her when she is on her own with her. But I have no evidence of this, and she's still the same with her now she's 4 months.

Also if she feels uncomfortable with me or DH around, I really haven't done anything to warrent this. I relish all the help I can get because its hard work looking after a 4 month old, and I have told her that. But still she doesn't seem to have interest in DD and I am due back to work very soon.. stressed..

Or maybe its me overreacting?

yeah dump the kid in a nursery with 30 other bawling kids, that will be much better than being with its granny

I think it's an incredibly generous offer. As someone who pays through the nose for childcare and has never had any help from family, I think you would be looking a gift horse in the mouth by turning her down.

Also, babies aren't very interesting. I hate it when people ask me if I want to hold their baby, as the real answer would be, 'Um, no thanks'! I wouldn't take that personally.

Also, your dd is the most important person in your life, but she has another grandchild too, and will love them both the same. I think if you would give her the chance, she might become close to your dd, and what a lovely relationship that would be. By putting your dd in a nursery or with a childminder, you aren't giving her the chance to build that connection.

And florencedougal, no mother 'dumps' their 'kid'. They research the best possible childcare solution for their child and for many children, this is a nursery, where they will be cared for, stimulated and comforted when they cry.

redskyatnight 'I guess it is natural to spend more time with the child who gives you "more back".'

I agree with your statement. My sister complains that our mother favours one of my dds over all her other grandchildren. I think the difference is, as soon as my dd sets eyes on her she runs and gives mum a bear hug, writes little cards for her, draws her pictures etc and asks to phone her up just to say she loves her. My other dd, and my sister's children can't really be bothered with her, and say hello and then go off to continue their games. I think it's natural that mum shows more interest in the child who wants/can react to her.

I was going to suggest that MIL might find a baby less interesting than a toddler (this would be me, I'm afraid, not lack of love, more lack of interaction), but lacked the bottle, so thanks to those of you who've said it.

If she wasn't interested in your dd she wouldn't be offering to look after her 2 days a week. Maybe she is trying so hard not to step on your toes or 'take over' your dd (see the hundreds of threads on mumsnets that complain about this) that she is coming across as stand-offish?

Honestly, I think you should try it.

Florencedougal - what an incredibly stupid thing to say! You sound like you've never been anywhere near a nursery.
I personally think that family as childcare is a recipe for arguments but I am lucky enough that nursery cost is not an issue and unlucky/lucky that all family is 2-3 hours journey away.
When you are at work you have to feel 100% about your childcare choice OP. If you go back and don't feel right then you will need to rethink.

I will be in the same situation MIL looking after ds soon when I go back to work and I have been worrying over it too.After much thought I have decided it is much better (and cheaper) for him to be looked after by someone who cares very much about him. I think a lot of my anxiety comes from irrationally not wanting to leave him at all. I have decided to go with it and there is always nursery if it's not working out. Ps I am sure your MIL wouldn't have offered to look after your dc if she didn't enjoy her

Yes, I would say if she has volunteered she must be willing to form a relationship with her. You can't really look after a child all day for two days without engaging with them, and at 4 months, providing she is cuddled and all her basic needs cared for, she will naturally thrive.

It's quite possible that your MIL does currently seem to favour her GS, or just relates better to boys, but I can't imagine that will continue if she is looking after DD 2 days a week, particularly as DD grows older and more engaging. I would definitely give it a go - you will have a good sense of how things are going when you get home and your MIL is with her and tells you about their day etc.

But it can't hurt to have a plan B in place if you are still uncomfortable after a while.

My step-MIL wasn't very interested in DD when she was tiny, but she spent lots of time and affection on her own blood-related grandkids who were older. I always shrugged my shoulders and thought that was fair enough and since DD had three other grandmothers, didn't get too fussed about it.

However, as soon as DD started walking and babbling, step-MIL has tranformed into super-gran and is absolutely brilliant with her. It took me aback a little, but step-MIL said one day that she didn't really get on with little babies as they don't do anything, but she loved toddlers and up.

Give your MIL a chance, if she wasn't interested she wouldn't have offered you 2 days a week of her time!

This is a terrible dilemma for you cos none of us wants to leave a baby with someone who doesn't seem to care. It must be really hard for you to leave your daughter with her at all! having said that, I like the advice given above: could be your MIl isn't so good with girls and/or babies and that her devotion will grow given time. So all you can do really is give the relationship a chance - small bursts, watching how your daughter reacts when she sees her grandmother, when she's alone with her (keep an ear out from another toom!) and on your return. This will all help you make up your mind what's best for the future.

Thank you all for your advice. Gave me some food for thought as I'd never really considered that maybe its because DD doesn't do much atm some people may find that boring. I love young babies myself and obviously especially my DD - every time she smiles it lights up my life but I guess I cant expect MIL to feel the same are me.

Think olderyetwider makes some great points on page 1. It will take time and she probably doesn't want to be interfering and look she has offered and she would not have done if she didn't want to!

My MIL spends a lot more time with my niece rather than DS. She seems to treat them equally when it comes to gifts or having photos of them up etc but she does give my niece a lot more time.

My SIL lives quite a way from us and MIL goes to stay for 5 days at a time and holidays with them every year whereas she sees DS every couple of weeks for a few hours.

However, when DS was a baby this made me really mad, now he is nearly 6 I've realised the following.

I think when he was a baby she was scared of doing the wrong thing and less tense with her daughter's child.
I also feel with hindsight I probably favoured my Mum and so she drifted off to look after my niece.
The most important thing though is that DH has never been that close to his parents whereas his sister phones them everyday.

DS loves his Grandparents but like his Dad isn't bothered by the difference in the way he and his cousin are treated. As he isn't bothered, neither am I.

I think that if your MIL looks after your dd on a one to one basis, she will probably bond with her and start treating her grandchildren more equally.

Sorry for waffling on :)

Thanks for your post berylmuspratt.

I appreciate that it is easier when it is your daughters child as opposed to your sons. I know my mum feels like she can take over with DD when I am around and MIL may not feel in a position to do this.

She does spend a lot of one to one time with her other grandson so with reflection if she has the opportunity with DD then maybe they will become close.

you said its your MIL, and she is better with brothers little boy
just a thought, but my MIL, mother of 4 boys, and grandmother to 3 boys before i had my daughter
she was a doting grandmother but was a little wary of my daughter, cue me one sad mummy, transpires she was wary of a little girl after all those boys!

i worried for nothing, soon as she was more interactive their relationship completley changed, any chance she could be a bit like this?

youmeatsix yeah its certainly something I've considered after what people have said on this thread. That's why its good to have objective views.

It is a tricky situation 2 days is a really generous offer and great basis on which to build their relationship. However from what you have said it is quite a change to go from a few hours one day to two days a week. Would it be possible to start her with granny before you go back to work - say leaving her for a couple of hours at first, building up to one day and then you can see how it goes? That way you could be completely sure of the situation before you actually have to go back to work? Also are the two days back to back? if granny has a really tiring day, it may be too much for granny to have baby the next day as well? Would a compromise be 2 half days with nursery/childminder for the other half?
Would granny be seeing the your DN during those days? That would be a consideration for me.

cat88 the days are back to back yes and I appreciate that it may be difficult for MIL but DD is a lot easier to look after than my DN (even MIL has admitted this). It was MILs decision to have her those days and DN will not be there on those days (that would be too much).

We have got a few night out planned over the next few weeks and DD is going to stay at MILs so we can build it up slowly that way.

She might be easier now but that won't necessarily last.

To be honest you sound understandably obsessed with your first baby. No one else can be expected to feel the same as you do. Your MIL will build up her relationship once the baby gets more interesting. Give her the chance, you should be grateful that she has offered.

In all honesty I do still believe that she favours DN, she has always favoured DH's brother over DH so I guess it figures. Also I think other things contributing to it are that DN is a boy, older and more interactive, and MIL has spent a lot of time with him one to one.

However I think I need to give her to opportunity to build her relationship with DD as she obviously wants to or wouldn't have offered to have her,Hopefully if she looks after her a bit before I go back to work they will become closer.

I really appreciate all your advice - that's why I love Mumsnet :o

Look at it this way: if your MIL was snatching the baby off you the minute you walked through the door, you'd be on here moaning that she was taking over.

Six week old babies are very, very little and are best left with their parents - I cannot believe that you sat your MIL down and accused her of not being close enough to your DD!!

Your MIL obviously feels confident otherwise she wouldn't have offered to look after your DD. She will build up her relationship with your DD when they are alone together. She probably feels very self conscious as you are clearly watching her every move with your DD. With regard to her other GC, you cannot compare the relationship someone has with a 1 year old to the relationship with a 4 month old!!You just cannot - they are complete different.

I think you are being massively unreasonable and you need to chill out big time. Do you think that nursery workers will "love" your DD if you put your DD in a nursery?

Ok I take your point tryharder thanks

When I think about my mother with DD at 4 months, she was very hands on. She played with her, played the piano with DD on her lap, sang to her, read to her, changed her, fed her. It really is possible to do stuff with a 4 month old. It is possible for GPs to be hands on. But this didn't happen overnight. My mother spent a lot of time with DD and spends a day with us each week - so this is probably the key. When I go back to work (part time) we have mutually agreed that my mother will visit on one of my days off, rather than look after DD for a whole day. I think that it would be a really long day for her with DD alone or going to activities and I will get some time to get stuff done while my mother plays with DD. It is a really big commitment to come every week to cover work hours. DD will go to nursery on my work days and currently goes 2 mornings a week to make sure she is well settled when I go back to work. Nursery is brilliant for her - she absolutely loves it. She is really sociable and enjoys watching other babies and the nursery staff are fantastic with her (they have way more patience than I do). She gets to do a variety of activies at nursery that we wouldn't do at home and gets a really wide range of experiences. Also my mother is willing to step in if DD is ill on one of my work days and babysits in the evenings, so in some ways we are "saving up" her help for times when we really need it.

There are so many ways of organising your life and childcare to suit you and your DD. One of the most important things for me is to be able to see that there are options in case things don't work out (e.g. if DD didn't like being in a nursery setting we could have tried a CM). Now is a great time to explore your options, before the pressure of work is on.

Thanks for your post breatheslowly you have given Me a lot of food for thought