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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being greedy?

64 replies

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/05/2011 20:15

Oh dear. I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes...

We have three kids, nearly 10, 4.5 and nearly 3.

Eldest two are boys, youngest is DD. Middle boy is 100% hand me downs (same width fitting on shoes too!) and eldest gets clothes from my sister's DS who is older.

I dress my DD in clothes that I do via parcel swap with a Babycenter (ooh, sorry!) girlfriend, who has a son that is younger than mine but a daughter who is older. YOu get the idea... ALL clothes are recycled, 2nd/3rd etc hand...

So. A colleague at work has had BAGS of clothing from us, also toys, bedding, etc, for a daughter. He mentioned she was younger than mine, and so I made the offer. Personally, i hate the thought of wasting clothing, think its eco-crap and we all know what kids' clothes get treated like, etc etc. And it's just a good idea!

So. Another binbag (literally) full of clothes went to him last week (the third or fourth? I'm talking probably over 200 items by now and there's some SERIOUSLY good shit in there. Labels like Monsoon, Grobags, M&S - personally, i'm buying either charity shop or Peacocks, I'm afraid, at that age!!!).

And this is the thing. Lots of loving and thanks... but when I've had similar given to me, a good bottle of vino or a box of chocs/flowers etc has gone from us to the giver...

But we've had nothing. Not even a card to say 'thanks'. I'm ridiculously narked by this and am thinking 'ok, I'll just Oxfam or Humana it next time.

I know I should give without expecting to receive, I KNOW!! But. But... but... but...

So. What should I do? Carry on and suck it up, or give to charity instead?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 08/05/2011 20:20

do you know the colleague definitely wants your stuff?

Some people give you bag loads of crap just to get rid of it and give themselves more storage space - I've had people try to do this to me - tatty old clothes and toys that I've never expressed any interest in having.

If this isn't the case what's wrong with the 'loving and thanks' you receive at the time?

Oxfam won't give you a bottle of wine either.

scurryfunge · 08/05/2011 20:20

Maybe he cannot afford to give anything. He has said thanks ....surely knowing the clothes will be re-used is good enough. If you cannot give without conditions then maybe you should give it to charity.

Original poster
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/05/2011 20:22

Oh no, he has made comments in between 'bags' as it were, about how good it is. There are coats for all seasons, grobags, shoes, lovely outfits... the works. No crap.

However. Oxfam won't give you a bottle of wine either

No. That's very true. That's a good comment, that is

OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 08/05/2011 20:23

yanbu

when my lovely friend gives me a bag full of clothes for my ds i always buy her son something - some kind of toy - so that it is my son saying thank you to her son for the stuff. ahe does not expect anything i know but it is the right thing to do and i am very happy to do it and it makes her son feel important and that is nice for a little boy
don't give the ungrateful arses anything again! it is only good manners to get something in return
find some kind of centre that gives the clothes to people with kids who can't afford to buy them a lot etc and don't give these people ANYMORE!

prettymuchapixiegirl · 08/05/2011 20:23

Has the colleague actually said yes they'd like the hand-me-downs? I say this because when I had DD2 a woman at the school decided that I'd like all her daughter's cast offs and would turn up regularly with a carrier bag full of clothes and foist them upon me. I had never asked for them, she had never asked if I wanted them, I had plenty of clothes for DD2 (another friend gave me lots, I have nothing against secondhand clothes) and to be honest they weren't the best condition items ever. It got quite embarrassing her running up to me constantly and giving me these bags.

I'm not suggesting for one minute that it's the same scenario here but sometimes if people haven't specifically said they'd like the handmedowns then it gets a bit annoying when people keep giving them to you. Does that make sense?

But aside from that, YANBU for wanting a thank you. I think a "thank you" at the time of handing the bag over suffices though and you're being a bit unreasonable in expecting a bottle of wine or a card. You didn't buy the clothes in the first place did you?

280169 · 08/05/2011 20:23

well i can kinda see your point but if you give to a charity you dont get wine or chocs,i am always giving folk stuff for younger kids i would not expect anything for it, also when people give me stuff for my kids i thank them and am greatful but dont buy them anything,its jut give and take.

shockers · 08/05/2011 20:24

I've always given away clothes, and been in receipt of them too. I've never given gifts in thanks, as far as I can remember (and I'm big on thanking), or had any either. I think I've considered it to be a kind of 'Pay it forward' arrangement, and I'm pretty sure the other parents feel the same way. I have, however, made it clear verbally that I'm grateful.

darleneoconnor · 08/05/2011 20:25

I've given and received a few bin bags of baby stuff over the years. tbh, there has never been any hint that a gift is expected i return

aren't the recipiants knid of doing you a favour by taking it off your hands and freeing up space?

charity shops have a rep these days of either keeping the best for themselves, overpricing what they put on the shelves and binning the often very valuable remainder- I'd never give to a charity shop again

also when I've had stuff given to me it's been because I was broke, and I mean the kind of broke that cant afford to shell out on a box of chocs, but this doesn't seem to be the case here

chunkythighs · 08/05/2011 20:27

YRNBU
Was in that exact situation, except it was also cots, playpens, bumbos etc. All in excellent condition. Lots of thanks but that was the extent of it. It annoyed me as I felt I was been taken for granted.

It took almost a year but I eventually got a bottle of wine and chocs. It was never about the value of what I was giving or the value of the lovely gift I received-I felt that my giftees were being mean to me-and I hate meanness.

Op give to charity if you don't receive a token of thanks be it card, cake or wine.

Sprogstersmum · 08/05/2011 20:27

I give alot of stuff to a friend and also get given stuff from other friends - would never occur to me to give a gift as thanks or expect one cos at the end of the day they're also doing you a favour by giving the stuff a good home. I'm just glad my cast offs are getting worn again.

troisgarcons · 08/05/2011 20:31

Wanting thanks for being charitable totally undermines the charitable act . Knowing you have done your bit should be enough.

IreneHeron · 08/05/2011 20:31

Nancy 66 does have a point though. Are you sure these people respect the stuff as much as you do? I've been given loads of stuff by people before but it has seemed to be me helping them out by taking sack loads of their old crap and sorting through it this giving them space in their closets. I've had to sort and chuck most of it. The favour often goes both ways, one person gets rid of old unwanted stuff, the other gets some clothes.

Sarsaparilllla · 08/05/2011 20:32

He said thanks at the time, I think that's fine tbh, I woulnd't know it was expected to give a gift in return and maybe he doesn't

Original poster
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/05/2011 20:32

As to the 'broke'ness of all parties concerned.... I'm on a fine wage, but my DH is the househusband, so single salary. He'll be on a lot less than me, as will his wife (both teachers) and we're both families with three kids (she's about to have a third child, a second DD), so they know what a life saver it can be to get clothing.

I've been lucky enough to have clothes in good nick given, I really do appreciate this fact... and I also know the point about maybe they're too skint for chocs - but he's always banging on about weekends away with 'the lads' and curry nights etc. Shit. I don't even know the last time my DH and I could afford to do this. that's what kind of riles me. We are SO skint and so I am thinking 'pffff, bleedin' sod you then'. A card doesn't cost a lot.

I sound like Scrooge... :-(

OP posts:
kitsmummy · 08/05/2011 20:34

I'm totally with you on this one op. If I was given loads of good quality, good named clothes and baby equipment etc, I'd certainly give a gift to say thank you.

Original poster
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/05/2011 20:35

Nope, having re-read your comments, I Have Decided.

I'm going to pluck my head out of my bottom and forget about the whole thing.

I'm going to Oxfam the stuff in future and then I can be sure it's helping anyway, and not have to be a real git in my head and totally undo all the good of giving. Blush

OP posts:
CaptainBarnacles · 08/05/2011 20:38

Sorry OP, I have been given hand me down toys, and have just emailed to say thank you. It wouldn't have occurred to me to give a gift, tbh. Nor would I expect a gift when I hand things on to other people.

missmyoldname · 08/05/2011 20:41

I have given and received plenty of hand me downs for/from my DCs. Have never given or received a gift in return though.
So YABU.

bigbuttons · 08/05/2011 20:41

I have given and received loads over the years and a thanks has always been fine. I never for a moment expected anything, I would have been embarrassed. What I gave was a gift, you don't expect a present when you give something away surely?

cat64 · 08/05/2011 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/05/2011 20:45

Oh GOd, so maybe I should carry on. If I've felt so grateful when getting stuff, now he won't be able to if I'm behaving like a greedy bitch.

I need to stop prevaricating. Volte face. I'm going to continue. Thank you, some really helpful thoughts.

Grin
OP posts:
fartingfran · 08/05/2011 20:45
speakercorner · 08/05/2011 20:46

I have always thanked my good friend for her gifts, and text her from time to time to tell her what DD is wearing (which she likes knowing). I pass them on to another friend when I am done.

I have never bought the first friend anything for them, and the second friend has never given anything to me either. I think this is just something that we all do for each other. The first friend gets a lot of them from her sister so they are hand-me-downs for her DD as well.

The problem here is that you are giving to a colleague rather than someone you love, I think. So it is probably better to give to a charity shop - or sell cheaply via NCT.

Driftwood999 · 08/05/2011 20:50

I really understand where you are coming from on this. We did the same, took up any offer of second hand equipment, clothing, nct and all that networking stuff. In our turn we passed on nearly new equipment and clothing to like minded families. That was rewarding because it was a informal network, I don't remember bottles of wine being given in thanks tbh, just a friendly gesture and general awarness of other families. I think what you have experienced is giving to a family that just does not get the middle class ethos of make do and mend.

Driftwood999 · 08/05/2011 20:53

He may feel you are patronising him?

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