Am I being greedy?

[LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay]

Oh dear. I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes...

We have three kids, nearly 10, 4.5 and nearly 3.

Eldest two are boys, youngest is DD. Middle boy is 100% hand me downs (same width fitting on shoes too!) and eldest gets clothes from my sister's DS who is older.

I dress my DD in clothes that I do via parcel swap with a Babycenter (ooh, sorry!) girlfriend, who has a son that is younger than mine but a daughter who is older. YOu get the idea... ALL clothes are recycled, 2nd/3rd etc hand...

So. A colleague at work has had BAGS of clothing from us, also toys, bedding, etc, for a daughter. He mentioned she was younger than mine, and so I made the offer. Personally, i hate the thought of wasting clothing, think its eco-crap and we all know what kids' clothes get treated like, etc etc. And it's just a good idea!

So. Another binbag (literally) full of clothes went to him last week (the third or fourth? I'm talking probably over 200 items by now and there's some SERIOUSLY good shit in there. Labels like Monsoon, Grobags, M&S - personally, i'm buying either charity shop or Peacocks, I'm afraid, at that age!!!).

And this is the thing. Lots of loving and thanks... but when I've had similar given to me, a good bottle of vino or a box of chocs/flowers etc has gone from us to the giver...

But we've had nothing. Not even a card to say 'thanks'. I'm ridiculously narked by this and am thinking 'ok, I'll just Oxfam or Humana it next time.

I know I should give without expecting to receive, I KNOW!! But. But... but... but...

So. What should I do? Carry on and suck it up, or give to charity instead?

A friend is always giving me her old clothes. Some of it is absolutely minging and not even worthy of charity stuff. I don't ask for it and whilst I say thanks when she arrives at the front door with it - can't bring myself to be rude - there is no way I would reward this with a bottle of wine or chocs. These clothes are good quality brands but so worn, dirty etc as to be unwearable most of the time. I've given up looking in the bags now and just bin. I think it just saves her the effort of sorting out for charity/eBay etc. My kids wear Sainsbury's 99% of the time - I stock up in their 25% off events! - and so wear new, nice clothes that are clean and tidy. I don't need her crap!

A friend and I did a baby clothes swap. She has a DS then a DD and my two are same age but the other way around. I love to see her DD in something that my DD wore as a baby. That would be thanks enough for me. We do say thanks for stuff but haven't made a big thing of it as we know we are both helping the other out. We have both taken a couple of precious items back but we have agreed that we will pass the vast majority of what we have on to other friends who could us it. Surely this is how these things work?

to be honest I would never expect a gift for donating baby clothes. The recipient is doing you a favour by freeing up space!

I have given and received mountains of baby stuff over the years. Just once, I got a bottle of wine in return. It was very sweet of her, but I didn't expect it, and tbh I've never given anyone a thank you gift. It's just all part of the cycle, isn't it?

If he has said thank you nicely, and seems genuinely appreciative, then I think you just have to put it down to people's differing models of etiquette.

Slightly tangential to this thread, but I hate it when I make something for friends' babies and children and it just disappears - love the thank you, but would really appreciate a photo of child wearing it - definitely don't need wine or chocolates though

I think YABU to expect something in return when you have been thanked, I gave one of our twins cots to someone I at the time considered a friend and I still have not had a thank you from her and that was 3 years ago.
I gave my sister loads of baby stuff as her DD was born 7 months after my twins (DDand DS) and got thanked straight away. Now I get stuff from her as her DD is bigger built like a brick shithouse than my DD and all that is exchanged is thank yous.

Not read whole thread yet , but I think that if these people can afford weekends away, then they can afford to buy clothes for their own child. If I was you, I'd either give them to someone whose need is more genuine (women's shelter?) or I'd put them on Gumtree/Ebay and use the money to pay for a weekend away with your DH!

TBH I'm quite at the idea of 3rd hand clothes, how clean and well behaved are these children?! I'm lucky if ds' clothes are stain and rip free by the time he grows out of them.

Wow. I never expected so much KIND feedback. I was thinking I'd get ripped apart for this, but found your responses really helpful. And although I still stick to my guns a bit, I do think that if I can't genuinely give, then best to charity bag it and be done with it, really.

Well, I have had to eat HUGE amounts of humble pie today. I don't know where to put myself for shame and I have no idea why I'm telling you all this... but as my flagellation kit is MIA.... He came up to me today and asked what my tipple of choice was.

Um. I said gin or champagne. NOW we'll see who's being the tight wad, eh?!!

Thank you all!!
x

i do think YABU.
Yuk at the second hand shoes for children.
Big no no, may be similar size but used shoe will be moulded to first wearers foot .

I don't understand. You stated that most of the clothes passed on are 2nd and 3rd hand (albeit in good condition I'm sure). If this is the case then what possible reason could you have for wanting a gift in return for passing on what she mostly received free in the first place?

Even when I pass on children's clothes that I have bought new, I have no expectation of anything other than thanks so I think YADBU

I think you would be lucky to get gin let alone now expecting champagne.

I think its nice that you have given him the clothes and you have done him a good turn . He said thank you etc so now if you ever need some help or a favour I am sure he will help you out. Good turns don't go unnoticed but don't expect to give then receive that is a road to nowhere.
If your thinking like this then maybe you should sell them on ebay or something .

God, I have received pretty much an entire wardrobe from a friend whose son is 2 years older than mine. I am extremely thankful but never thought to get a gift for her.

But then it would never occur to me to expect something in return for something I had given away because I no longer needed it anyway.