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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being greedy?

64 replies

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/05/2011 20:15

Oh dear. I'm going to get flamed for this, but here goes...

We have three kids, nearly 10, 4.5 and nearly 3.

Eldest two are boys, youngest is DD. Middle boy is 100% hand me downs (same width fitting on shoes too!) and eldest gets clothes from my sister's DS who is older.

I dress my DD in clothes that I do via parcel swap with a Babycenter (ooh, sorry!) girlfriend, who has a son that is younger than mine but a daughter who is older. YOu get the idea... ALL clothes are recycled, 2nd/3rd etc hand...

So. A colleague at work has had BAGS of clothing from us, also toys, bedding, etc, for a daughter. He mentioned she was younger than mine, and so I made the offer. Personally, i hate the thought of wasting clothing, think its eco-crap and we all know what kids' clothes get treated like, etc etc. And it's just a good idea!

So. Another binbag (literally) full of clothes went to him last week (the third or fourth? I'm talking probably over 200 items by now and there's some SERIOUSLY good shit in there. Labels like Monsoon, Grobags, M&S - personally, i'm buying either charity shop or Peacocks, I'm afraid, at that age!!!).

And this is the thing. Lots of loving and thanks... but when I've had similar given to me, a good bottle of vino or a box of chocs/flowers etc has gone from us to the giver...

But we've had nothing. Not even a card to say 'thanks'. I'm ridiculously narked by this and am thinking 'ok, I'll just Oxfam or Humana it next time.

I know I should give without expecting to receive, I KNOW!! But. But... but... but...

So. What should I do? Carry on and suck it up, or give to charity instead?

OP posts:
zikes · 08/05/2011 20:58

It seems weird to me to expect a gift in return for giving 2nd hand clothes. It's a nice thing to do, but if you expect something in return, not so nice.

I see it as you doing them a favour, but also them doing you a favour in taking it off your hands. I'd certainly expect a ta very much, but nothing more.

firsttimemama · 08/05/2011 21:03

I can't believe that you are/were thinking of stop doing a good turn to your friend/colleague because you didn't get a gift in return. I am truly astonished.

Continuum · 08/05/2011 21:09

But where does it end?!? Must you then buy a gift in thanks for the gift you were given over the gift of the clothing!?!?

But personally I haven't expected a thank you gift nor have any idea I may expected to give one. I think the giving away of things as a big screw you to the capitalist system, it would make me sad if a person thought I didn't think their sincere thanks was enough and went out and continued the idea that one must always buy something for it to have worth.

ScarletOHaHa · 08/05/2011 21:10

YANBU to expect a card. I would send chocs/ wine/ toy but wouldn't expect anything in return.

My friend sent a pic of her DC in clothes we had donated and it really made my day = happy to send more

My friend's sister more or less asked for clothes and zip - not even a thank you phone call.

cjel · 08/05/2011 21:11

What an interesting post. I have never considered gifts in return for clothes like this either - perhaps I should-(joke) I would hope that you could still feel that you could give now that you have considered out loud why or why not.. Hope you can get some resolution that works for youxx

COCKadoodledooo · 08/05/2011 21:11

YABU for epecting to get a gift for, err, giving a gift. Wtf??

HubbaHubbaBubba · 08/05/2011 21:18

Ooh I've never thanked beyond the verbal thanks for 2nd hand clothes, maybe I should have? I've also never expected more than a verbal thanks when I've passed stuff on (although a cousin of mine who I gave tons of clothes to via my aunt and uncle hasn't even acknowledged them, which narks me a wee bit I have to say. But I wouldn't expect anything in return.)

whethergirl · 08/05/2011 21:45

It's a shame Noel Edmonds doesn't do the Swap Shop on Saturday mornings anymore. "Bottle of wine wanted for a bag of 2nd hand clothes."

I think YABU. Sometimes when I have given away stuff to help people out, I get a bit annoyed if they buy me a gift in return because I genuinely wanted to help them out and them spending money on a gift kind of contradicts the point. That aside, it's a really nice feeling to help someone out and not get anything in return (except of course, for a verbal thanks, which should be enough).

If I had any spare money, or any inclination, what I would like to do right now is send you a box of chocs, bottle of wine and a Thank You card with a picture of a cute kitten stuck in a wine glass. And expect nothing in return. And feel happy that I've given you a gift.

For your unfortunate affliction, I recommend the book Join Me by Danny Wallace www.join-me.co.uk/about/

ps. nothing wrong with giving to charity either. Although I do also give to charity, I do prefer to check if any friends/family need the items first, charity starts at home and all that.

InAStateOfReflux · 08/05/2011 21:56

Ummm, I have just had dd and I have obviously been given gifts of new stuff and similarly I have been given hand-me-downs by a few people too, as you do. I however have not given any wine or anything in return _ just lots of verbal, heart-felt thanks, and I thought this was sufficient. Similarly when I pass the stuff on to other people I wouldn't expect anything in return either. I hope I have not pissed anyone off... Blush

TBH, if I had given stuff to everyone who had given us gifts since she was born we would be broke. And tbh, often she has been given stuff when she already has plenty already and doesn't actually need anything, so whilst it is gratefully received and will probably get used at some point, it has not saved us money as such as we probably wouldn't have gone out and bought it new anyway...

virginiasmonalogue · 08/05/2011 22:01

I have given stuff to fiends, nice stuff, because I like to see it used.

If I thought they thought they had to give me something in return, I'd feel a bit uncomfortable. I don't do it for the reward. I think a genuine "thank-you" is enough. If they didn't show appreciation at all they could f* off!

JaneDidsbury · 08/05/2011 22:12

I personally don't think he needs to get you a gift. I do expect a thanks though and as he has already done that and expressed that he likes and appreciates the stuff then I think that is enough.

hairylights · 08/05/2011 22:24

Yabu.

" A colleague at work has had BAGS of clothing from us, also toys, bedding, etc, for a daughter. He mentioned she was younger than mine, and so I made the offer. Personally, i hate the thought of wasting clothing, think its eco-crap and we all know what kids' clothes get treated like, etc etc. And it's just a good idea!"

If you don't want to give the away, just don't Confused

The oerson has thanked you .. Why isn't it enough?

hairfullofsnakes · 08/05/2011 22:47

Op I'll say it again YANBU at all! I am quite surprised at the amount of replies indicating that people will happily take bags of stuff from friends and give nothing in return! What about the amount of money saved by these generous offerings?! Buying something for the children is a lovely gesture and the right thing to do when someone has just given you a while load of things, it doesn't have to cost a lot but it's a nice gesture!

You are NOT unreasonable op - find someone more worthy to give your things to!

JoInScotland · 08/05/2011 22:54

I would be tempted to put the nicer, name brand things on Ebay and try to make a little money, and give the rest to a charity shop, personally. No one likes to feel taken for granted.

MerylStrop · 08/05/2011 22:55

Personally I am just glad to be shut of the stuff in an environmentally responsible manner, and to help out a mate if I can. We also seem to receive as much as we give away, on balance, over the years.

If we all start exchanging gifts for passing on our castoffs any environmental benefit is quickly going to dissipate. A thankyou is surely enough?

InAStateOfReflux · 09/05/2011 13:02

Hairfull - I think it must be an individual thing. It's not that I'm tight and ungenerous - I would never turn up at someone's house without a bottle/posie/choccies etc, similarly If someone does me a favour that involves putting themselves out and giving up their time such as watching dd, or helping with a domestic task etc. then I would either offer payment or buy a gift. However getting a bag of some clothes that would have been thrown out, It just doesn't occur to me give a gift for a gift! I make sure they definitely don't want money for them, and if they don't (which invariably they don't as if they did they would have put them on ebay I presume) I thank them, either verbally or by sending a card. In the same way I would when receiving any other gift at xmas or whatever.

If that's a thing one likes to do then fine. But I don't think it should be expected and that if it doesn't happen the receiver is out of order...

hairfullofsnakes · 09/05/2011 14:12

its not that it should be expected, and i certainly don't but the fact is, if you get a bag full of stuff you have saved a load of money and to buy a little treat for the child/chidlren whose stuff it was is a very nice gesture and, i think, the right thing to do! when i get the child of my friend something for the stuff his mother gives my ds, he loves it and makes him feel special and my son feels special too as he has given him a gift, it is a good thing to do and its a shame some people dont feel it is important

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 09/05/2011 15:04

YABU - a simple thank you should do!

minipie · 09/05/2011 15:14

Woah. YABU. You're giving the stuff away, because you don't need it and he does. Nice thing to do. He has said thank you (profusely from the sound of your OP).

Why do you want a card or a gift? He has expressed his thanks and gratitude. I don't really see why a card or a gift is more valid thanks than verbal thanks?

BornAgainBitch · 09/05/2011 15:17

Yeah, check that he actually wants it. It's quite possible his DW is a bit precious and would rather her DD had all new clothes.

It really used to piss me off getting bin bags full of people's cast-off shit that they couldn't be arsed to take to the charity shop (not that I'm suggesting you are doing this, of course).

B52s · 09/05/2011 15:19

It probably hasn't crossed his mind to get you a card or a bottle. It struck me as odd that you are expecting a gratuity. If it bothers you that much don't do it anymore.

flyingspaghettimonster · 09/05/2011 15:45

Do you always give it to the Dad? Men are a bit crappy at being grateful at times - he might be a little embarrassed so doesn't make a huge deal out of it? TBH though, I never gave a gift in return for hand me downs, sometimes treat to coffee or something, but usually things are given on the understanding that the next in line gets them after me, so I never felt I had to offer wine or choccies... that said, if it was all monsoon and le top, sarah louise etc I would likely be VERY grateful... I usually get stained play wear stuff...

harecare · 09/05/2011 15:49

YABU They've thanked you and shown appreciation verbally, why on earth would you want a card or chocolates for getting rid of your unwanted things? I would never expect a gift in return for something I no longer needed and I would also not buy a gift to say thanks. I may make sure I give their children a nice birthday present - new clothes that will one day come back to me!

wendihouse22 · 09/05/2011 16:12

I give stuff away. Some of it, literally as new.

I don't expect anything more than a "thanks very much" and the knowledge that someone appreciates what they're getting and the stuff is worn/used.

I think YABU. Sorry.

nomoreheels · 09/05/2011 16:39

I have been given & loaned loads of baby clothes & useful stuff & no one is expecting gifts from us in return. I have made very sure that we have thanked them profusely in person & again by text as a follow up, & provided nice tea & homemade cake if they stopped to visit.

With one exception however - one friend has gone so far above & beyond to help us that we decided to splash out on a really good toy for her DS. We are pretty broke at the moment but felt we should do this.

I couldn't have afforded gifts for everyone though.

If I was giving this stuff to charity, I'd give it to one that would gift the clothes etc directly or sell for a pittance to families in need, rather than Oxfam. Eg we have the Wood Street Mission in Manchester, or the Mustard Tree. The families who use services like these wouldn't normal have a hope in hell of dressing their kids in Monsoon etc. & usually are offered hand me downs that are clean but very worn. Just a thought.

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