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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be fed up for being judged as a SAHM

98 replies

monkeypuzzeltree · 07/05/2011 20:03

I chose to not go back to work after DD was born. I decided that since we could afford it, I wanted to stay at home and enjoy these early years. I feel lucky that I could and frankly although I had a seriously successful career up until then, I had a MASSIVE problem leaving my daughter. Not that I don't like nurseries, I just would have had to go too!!

However AIBU to get fed up of other people who seems to want to knock me for my decision. It is mainly people who I know who have gone back to work saying things like..."Oh I couldn't do 5 days with a child, I need the mental stimulation." They end up making me feel like I must be some sort of an idiot to not NEED to go to work. I'm not being oversensitive, some of these are quite pointed comments.

To add to it, some are totally bemused that I don't send DD to nursery at all, as though going to nursery is an essential part of childhood. Don't get me wrong, she goes to playgroups and we do the rounds of various mother and toddler things, but apparently she really should be going to nursery or she'll miss out ............HUH?!

I wouldn't dream of making comments about their choice to send their child to nursery after all, that is their choice, but as a SAHM, I seem fair game to comment on my odd choice. I am clearly doing something which is currently very unfashionable!

Why do some women feel the need to judge other women so harshly!

OP posts:
FlaminGreatGallah · 07/05/2011 21:02

God yes, it always happens. I keep running into ex-colleagues and parents of the children I used to teach who are amazed that I'm not back even though they know from the grapevine or conversation that I have one DC with a life-threatening medical condition and one who is autistic and only just four.

"But I was only an accountant when I gave up work whereas you were doing something important"

"It's a shame to waste the money you were given (wh-aaat?) for your teacher training"

BlackSwan · 07/05/2011 21:11

YANBU - I'm in the same boat. Few people have dared comment - though this week my cleaner commented (how dare she?!), asking for the umpteenth time when my DS was going to go to nursery... I told her not for now & that I really enjoyed being with him.

Regardless of when I go back to work, I know I have been mentally stimulated by the experience of being a SAHM. I am not a blob on the sofa. I'm constantly problem solving, time-managing, educating my boy, meeting new people, learning and enjoying life. This is a privilege. Perhaps there's a touch of envy in the comments you received?

florencedougal · 07/05/2011 21:12

i much rather have been a stay at home mum than one that dumps the kids 10 hours a day on someone else

COCKadoodledooo · 07/05/2011 21:13

Bof. Insert Gallic shrug

Horses for courses. You're happy, they're happy. Don't take every comment made as a personal insult and you'll be grand.

swiperstopswiping · 07/05/2011 21:16

Ach, it doens't really matter though, try to ignore it if you can.

I've recently become a SAHM to 2 under 3 and it's hard work. The baby has been sleeping really badly lately.

I met a friend for dinner and she works full time and has one toddler. She asked who things were and I told her about the nights and she was horrified at how hard that must be FOR DH.

Presumably it's much worse for him because he works.

My DH sits on his arse at a desk every day and I have to lug around small children EVERYWHERE I go, walk our dog, clean our house and do loads of physical stuff which I am exhausted to do, but DH goes out to work so it must be him who really suffers!

Grass is always greener and allt hat.

scottishmummy · 07/05/2011 21:16

LOL kerching clichétastic!someone had to say it.now its a proper sahm/working mum thread. maybe throw in widdle precious moments, why have en if you dont want to watch them yourself

i pay good money to dump my kids with feral staff for up to 10hours dontcha know

Ormirian · 07/05/2011 21:18

Woohoo! BINGO!

scottishmummy · 07/05/2011 21:20

eyse doon!im waiting on mum 'ardest job in world
bound to come up.always does

SusiaX · 07/05/2011 21:25

swiper My 5 month old DS has been sleeping badly lately and I find myself with him sleeping on my chest, wriggling and periodically headbutting my face in the early hours quite often so that DH can get some sleep.

Admittedly he does have a creative job so needs his brain working BUT I have to entertain a baby who spends quite a lot of time yelling at me because he doesn't want to go to sleep and a toddler who talks incessantly (as well as the household stuff) none of which is easy when you've had hardly any sleep.

Not complaining, I'm happy with my lot but why do people assume it's harder for people with a 'real' job?

scottishmummy · 07/05/2011 21:28

really,its about smile and ignore dont be so touchy

working9while5 · 07/05/2011 21:28

Wait forL

SAHM:
Husband is about to trot out the door and leave you.
This may be because you are boring and idiotic and have nothing to talk about apart from shitty nappies.
Women burned their bras for you to be a servant, selfish cah.
You will have no pension and die in a smelly heap because you won't be able to afford a decent nursing home and the selfish brats you spawned to replace yourself (ala Trainspotting) won't give a damn for your precious moments.
Even the Romans left their kids. You are so unenlightened.

WOHM:
Your children are irrevocably damaged by your selfishness
You say you do it for the money but you could do without your fancy pants holidays and designer handbags, don't be pretending it's bills you're paying.
If you're one of them that says you are in it for the love of career, why, you selfish old cah, you better hope that the career pays for a decent nursing home as the selfish brats you spawned to replace yourself won't care for you because you gave up on spending those precious early moments with them.
The country is gone to rack and ruin because of this experiment whereby children's care is "outsourced" to others

Seriously. It could be expanded, on both sides. It probably will. The passive aggressive "mental stimulation" comments are only the tip of a Titanic-smashing sized iceberg.

working9while5 · 07/05/2011 21:28

Wait for it, that was supposed to be.

rachie2011 · 07/05/2011 21:30

HaHa some people on here are nuts you cannot have your say on anything without at least three of you slagging each other off and saying your rubbish well to be totally honest with a horrible personality that some of you have i would think it is quite clear who actually should look at themselves abit closer than hammering on anyone else i certainly would not want any of you looking after my child or anyone elses with a mouth that some of you use its horrid
Your not children on a playground anymore you are ment to be Mothers loving role models !!
Everyone is different agree to disagree without it getting nasty hey :)

scottishmummy · 07/05/2011 21:38

grow a spine and stop greetin about what someone else thinks

Maiasaurus · 07/05/2011 21:38

...and breathe...

noblegiraffe · 07/05/2011 21:41

Oh god I've said stuff like this, like 'I was going mental on maternity leave after a while'. It's not a judgement on you, it's a statement of fact!

I really hope I haven't pissed any of my SAH friends off when I've said this. I admire the fact that they can do a better job of it than I could.

ZillahWhoDrankTooMuchGin · 07/05/2011 21:44

Been on mumsnet long rachie?

InFlames · 07/05/2011 21:50

Suprised no one's chucked in the 'Oh,so you'll be a part time mum then?' one yet, I had that from my HV AND a sahm friend-who sends child to nursery 3 times a week so she can 'have a break', which is fine but surely smacks slightly of hypocrisy...-when DS was ooooo 3 weeks...!

cunexttuesonline · 07/05/2011 21:56

YANBU, i wish people in RL would just wind their necks in on this subject. At the end of the day we are all doing what we feel is right and in lots of cases what is necessary. I suppose people feel the need to justify their choices, but it comes out as nasty judginess on the other side.

Famouslastwords · 07/05/2011 21:59

Who gives a monkey's what anyone else thinks?

I couldn't care less if anyone is a SAHM/WOHM/PT.
Similarly, if anyone makes pointed comments about my choices I either call them on it or ignore it.

scottishmummy · 07/05/2011 21:59

can genuinely say none of this bibble babble bothers me
smile and wave.smile and wave

LoveLeonardCohen · 07/05/2011 22:00

But aren't these people who are saying they couldn't stay at home 5 days etc talking about themselves and not you OP?

rachie2011 · 07/05/2011 22:11

ZillahWhoDrankTooMuchGin

lol nope :) just trying to get used to it seems abit harsh sometimes though
MUMSRULE

AlmightyCitrus · 07/05/2011 22:12

Being a SAHM isn't a proper job though is it. You need to find yourself a proper job.

NOT my words I hasten to add, but those said to me by a lady at the local jobcentre last week.

I have an appointment to see her next week. Can't wait to see what she thinks is a suitable position for a 32 week pregnant mother of 3.

ZillahWhoDrankTooMuchGin · 07/05/2011 22:13

rachie - i was just kidding Grin - stick with it - harsh yes and straight talking but clever and supportive when needs be