...to be fed up for being judged as a SAHM

[monkeypuzzeltree]

I chose to not go back to work after DD was born. I decided that since we could afford it, I wanted to stay at home and enjoy these early years. I feel lucky that I could and frankly although I had a seriously successful career up until then, I had a MASSIVE problem leaving my daughter. Not that I don't like nurseries, I just would have had to go too!!

However AIBU to get fed up of other people who seems to want to knock me for my decision. It is mainly people who I know who have gone back to work saying things like..."Oh I couldn't do 5 days with a child, I need the mental stimulation." They end up making me feel like I must be some sort of an idiot to not NEED to go to work. I'm not being oversensitive, some of these are quite pointed comments.

To add to it, some are totally bemused that I don't send DD to nursery at all, as though going to nursery is an essential part of childhood. Don't get me wrong, she goes to playgroups and we do the rounds of various mother and toddler things, but apparently she really should be going to nursery or she'll miss out ............HUH?!

I wouldn't dream of making comments about their choice to send their child to nursery after all, that is their choice, but as a SAHM, I seem fair game to comment on my odd choice. I am clearly doing something which is currently very unfashionable!

Why do some women feel the need to judge other women so harshly!

[indiechick]

i much rather have been a stay at home mum than one that dumps the kids 10 hours a day on someone else

We don't dump the kids on someone else, we put them in good, well chosen childcare providers whilst we go out and earn a living. And we're not all doing it for the foreign holidays, some of us are doing it to pay the rent.

[indiechick]

Oh and OP, get over it, WOHM have equally shit comments thrown at the them. If you're happy with your decision and can afford it, what's it got to do with anyone else?

[scottishmummy]

i dislike the can only work if have to caveat. as if only financila dire straits is a good reason

i dont have to,chose to

[monkeypuzzeltree]

Holy cow, what did I start. Was I being over-sensitive, quite possibly. Did I mean this to be a SAHM v Working, no, that was not my point, just that my point being if I made a comment about someone sending their child to nursery, then all hell would break loose, but it seems more accepted that working mums can say that they need the "stimulation." That was all, was not judging anyone for doing it one way or the other. I know it is hard either way and either way we're probably wrong, I don't think either is the easier option, we can only do our best!

[monkeypuzzeltree]

I should have said SAHM/D's ! I know a few around here, I never see them at playgroups, I wonder where they hide out.....!

[scottishmummy]

it is over sensitive to feel judged.and sahm/work is a mn perennial

[peppapighastakenovermylife]

Ah now I have a baby who doesnt sleep and work full time. Where does this get me along the continuum of hardness?

monkey - I know what you mean but we are pointing out that mums who work do get those comments (albeit not from you)

[InFlames]

IME all hell breaks loose whether comments are made to/about working or stay at home mums! We can't who either way as parents. Little ones thrive with positive, healthy role models and strong secure attachments-they don't need to be cared for soley for a parent for this to occur- as per above post-it is a measure of secure attachment that a child can be left for periods of time.

[monkeypuzzeltree]

Good grief Peppa, that sounds tough. It's the nursery run in the morning which I think would have tipped me over the edge - that is once I sold my soul for a place! I did get a place at one nursery, but my first choice was one which I was on the list at 3 months pregnant, DD now nearly 18 months, and I still have not got a place!

[InFlames]

Gah-'win' not 'who'. Obviously:)

[MillyR]

One of my kids was looked after by me when small; the other one was in paid childcare. I challenge Oliver James himself to come around and inspect them now, 10 years on, and work out which had which type of care.

As long as you are happy with the choice you have made, ignore what other people think.

[Soups]

I've been a SAHM, full time, and part time working mum. I've heard it all. Some women will know they want to be a SAHM, some will know they'll return to work within a month, for the rest it's a bit of a balancing act. Whatever your situation, it is tricky to explain what you do, and why, in a chatty conversation, without sounding down on what others do. I did say tricky, but unless you deliberate every word, it's more accurate to say it's easy to go wrong :)

Having said that the phrase "I need / would need the mental stimulation" has been one to quickly get under my skin. Not in the context of someone telling me why they went back to work, that's fine, they're giving me interesting info. Fair enough, as a SAHM I could understand why ;) It was them explaining, not a comment on me.

I've been at some of my husbands work functions and over the dinner table that question will come "what do you do?" Straight after my reply, the retort comes back "I couldn't do that I'd need the mental stimulation". Which is that context is a whole lot fecking rude. It's not hard to change the senario a bit to see how rude. In the past I've replied that luckily I don't need much mental stimulation, or I don't need to be told what to do to make my life interesting. Followed by a big sweet smile.

Yes, I know it's the kind of thing I would have said in the days before kids. I know for most it's probably one of those things that gushed out before the mouth flood gates managed to operate, but it's kinda nice to see them shut up

[scottishmummy]

work ft,kids nursery from 6mth aint no cliché i haven't heard
and cold day in hell when i care what anyone thinks.or bang the biddulph tambourine
am intrigued that irks some folk so much

[ndume]

Ignore them, such comments are usually made by jelousy people. It doesn't matter what you do, the jelousy types will always come up with something negative.

[scottishmummy]

jealous they dont work?interesting thought

[maighdlin]

all women are fucked and judged when they have kids.

stay at home - leecher or lazy. (own opinion take my hat off to them and am slightly )

working mums - can't be bothered with their children, money obsessed and superficial.

older mum - selfish

younger mum - stupid

don't even start on feeding.

we are supposed to be with out children every day but teach them to be independent. we are not supposed to live off our partners/the state but not leave our children in nurseries/with childminders.

you just cannot win. so fuck the lot of them and do it how you want.

[InFlames]

Ndume... Jealousy would imply working mums HAVE to work and are thus jealous of those who are able to stay at home. Err as Scottishmum said, many women want to work, enjoy working and also enjoy being mums. As lots of other people have said, they may well say things like 'Couldn't do it myself because...'
Etc etc. I'm not sure jealousy is a persuasive argument.

[NormanTebbit]

Well this thread is shaping up nicely. all the usual suspects here

[scottishmummy]

sahm/work is life blood of mn
dance to the biddulph beat,some psycobabble,some anecdotal blah

no wonder i love it

[timetomove]

I agree with whoever said that a WOHM commenting that they need the stimulation of working is no more a judgment of your choices than your comment that you cannot leave your child is a judgment of theirs. Both are simple statements of fact, although both are of course capable of being said in a judgmental way.

I am a WOHM with many SAHM friends. Although I do not think I have ever made the stimulation comment, i have certainly thought it. But when I think it I do not think of it as a negative towards my SAHM friends but as a negative towards myself - in many ways I would love to be capable of being a SAHM.


Overall I think that if you are going to be so sensitive yourself, you need to be much more sensitive in turn towards WOHMs than you have been on this thread - they are equally capable of reading criticism into what you might see as simple factual statements. Generally though most people do not care one way or another what others choose to do. They are just making conversation.

[GotArt]

monkey Haven't read the whole post. I do think, from your OP, that perhaps you are being a little over-sensitive about it. Why can't some women just feel like they can't be a SAHM and voicing that without feeling like it might hurt your feelings that you are?

I have a group of new mothers that I hang out with; there's 10 of us. Our firstborn's are all within 4 months of each other, we are all career women and are all working on or have just recently had our second born's. Some can't wait to get back to work, some wish they didn't have to put their DC's in daycare, a couple are making career changes to be able to be with DC's more and one is adamant on the benefits of Montessori schooling for three year olds, which two of us backed out of because we both thought that six hour of that much structure, 5 days a week was bit much, (I digress) but the thing is, we all support one another in our decisions. I didn't put DD in swimming when they all were because DD and I go swimming twice a week anyhow. I'm putting DD into music in the fall, but only one other sees the benefits of it and is doing it too. I certainly wouldn't begrudge them on their choices. Most of them don't understand my enthusiasm for when DD goes to kindergarten, and I don't understand why they aren't... but whatever, we all get together for play dates and coffee and just enjoy one another.

[perplexedpirate]

What is it with having a DC that leaves woman (and men, though IME to a lesser extent) so open to judgement by just about everyone?
You've made a decision, just as we all have, and if you're happy with it, that's absolutely all that matters. But instead, society at large seems to think that procreation is an open invitation to the world to pontificate on your every move.
Gah! Sorry I'm ranting, but I've have more than enough of other people's opinions recently. I work part-time, and was asked this week how I "survive" on so few hours. This person has no knowledge of my or DH's financial position and has exclusively claimed benefits for longer than I've been alive. I wouldn't dream of saying anything to them, so why on earth am I suddenly fair game?!
Again, apologies for ranting, especially as I've regurgitated what other people have said much more succinctly, but this has touched a nerve.
Phew.

[kidzrfreaky]

Mothers will never win! When I was a SAHM I was considered too lazy to get up in the morning and was wasting my life by staying home with no adult to talk to.

Now I am in employment I am criticized for prefferring others to bring up my kids and not spending enough time with them myself.

You just can't win!