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AIBU?

...to be fed up for being judged as a SAHM

98 replies

monkeypuzzeltree · 07/05/2011 20:03

I chose to not go back to work after DD was born. I decided that since we could afford it, I wanted to stay at home and enjoy these early years. I feel lucky that I could and frankly although I had a seriously successful career up until then, I had a MASSIVE problem leaving my daughter. Not that I don't like nurseries, I just would have had to go too!!

However AIBU to get fed up of other people who seems to want to knock me for my decision. It is mainly people who I know who have gone back to work saying things like..."Oh I couldn't do 5 days with a child, I need the mental stimulation." They end up making me feel like I must be some sort of an idiot to not NEED to go to work. I'm not being oversensitive, some of these are quite pointed comments.

To add to it, some are totally bemused that I don't send DD to nursery at all, as though going to nursery is an essential part of childhood. Don't get me wrong, she goes to playgroups and we do the rounds of various mother and toddler things, but apparently she really should be going to nursery or she'll miss out ............HUH?!

I wouldn't dream of making comments about their choice to send their child to nursery after all, that is their choice, but as a SAHM, I seem fair game to comment on my odd choice. I am clearly doing something which is currently very unfashionable!

Why do some women feel the need to judge other women so harshly!

OP posts:
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monkeypuzzeltree · 08/05/2011 21:55

Club Mum rules, I'm learning....and growing a thicker skin! thanks!

OP posts:
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Bonsoir · 08/05/2011 21:35

I also think that babies and toddlers don't require nearly as much attention as school children - I pretty much did what I wanted when DD was at home. It was when she started school that my brain space got encroached upon.

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Bonsoir · 08/05/2011 21:34

Yes, absolutely - but I always had institutional issues that confined me on some aspects. Never the freedom you have when your brain is your own!

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OldMumsy · 08/05/2011 21:17

Club Mum!!

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OldMumsy · 08/05/2011 21:13

I always felt that the SAHMs were judging me adversly, so welcome to Clum Mum, where you will always be wrong!

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noblegiraffe · 08/05/2011 18:42

I'm sure linguistics or geography might be more interesting than case law, but I'm not sure you'd get much chance to research them while looking after a toddler.

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nijinsky · 08/05/2011 18:26

OP - I don't believe this is a valid criticism at all. You have had a successful career in the past, you have proved you can do it, and now its your choice what to do. I must admit I can be rather judgemental about some women who never work or barely work when younger (and not because they have children because they don't) but instead live off men in their twenties. I always wonder what they would do if those relationships ended, because they would be homeless. Even if they got married and then divorced, a divorce settlement wouldn't necessarily do you for the rest of your life.

I know what Bonsoir means. I'm an academic lawyer now, and while I can operate extremely effectively in that environment, I find other things more intellectually stimulating (such as linguistics or geography) than researching minute differences in ratio decidendi of case law. I do find some women can be terribly goody-goody about this and you do indeed get a lot of female what is known as "cannon fodder" in my profession - I must say I've always been more interested in how much money I make out of a job than anything!

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peppapighastakenovermylife · 08/05/2011 16:39

Did you not get to research your passion then Bonsoir?

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Bonsoir · 08/05/2011 15:41

I've only ever done jobs which are "high-interest" (including academia). I still have more than enough much more interesting things to do and think about when not working Smile

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peppapighastakenovermylife · 08/05/2011 11:19

Bonsoir - that is certainly not the case for everyone Confused. For example, I am an academic - a job which I would consider the ultimate in guilty mental stimulation. I turn all my ponderings and questions about parenthood into my job and go out and research them. My work is almost my guilty pleasure in that respect.

I would imagine if I worked on a checkout or something / another job that didnt interest me I would not find work mentally stimulating.

To be honest what I craved more than anything was to talk to people and not necessarily about babies. I wanted to spend time with people I knew well and could interact with. I think perhaps your social situation dictates how much you cope with staying at home as well. I had no family and none of my good friends had children. Yes I made friends by going to groups but then they went back to work. I dont actually know any full time SAHM's. It was very lonely.

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working9while5 · 08/05/2011 10:50

And there are many people like that, who find their job mentally stimulating.. this does not mean that they are better or more intelligent or more anything than someone who stays at home with their children. It is a reflection of preference in terms of how to spend time.

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hairylights · 08/05/2011 10:49

bonsoir that's not the case for everyone who works, though.

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StealthPolarBear · 08/05/2011 10:47

Yes, a lot of the mental stimulation I get in my job is the sort I enjoy - the sort I read about in my spare time

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noblegiraffe · 08/05/2011 10:44

You might understand the mental stimulation argument, Bonsoir, if you had a job that interests you.

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Bonsoir · 08/05/2011 10:35

onagar - I never understand the mental stimulation argument. When I work, I rent my brain out to someone to solve their problems. Those problems aren't necessarily very interesting. When not working, I am free to use my brain for the subjects that really interest me. I am a lot more mentally stimulated than I am at work (and I am a so-called knowledge worker by profession...).

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working9while5 · 08/05/2011 10:33

Do most people wash floors endlessly? Confused

I am a bit Hmm when people don't see why many people in professional positions find work more mentally stimulating than being with their child. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE being with my ds but when your conversation consists of "car!" (x 1000) all day, it's hardly a leap to see that most jobs that involve adult contact (including those which involve menial tasks) are more mentally stimulating than average childcare.

This is not a reflection on anyone's intelligence. One of the hardest things about being at home with young children is coming up with ways to make conversation with young toddlers and to avoid that Groundhog day feeling/boredom/loneliness/apathy. Childcare can be very hard work but unless you are filling in the EYFS and treating it like a professional (which would, IMO, be frankly bloody weird), then it's not that mentally stimulating.

And I say this as someone who is fascinated by child development and adoring of my son and the time I spend with him, but there is no comparison between how mentally challenging/taxing it is to be at work and all the pressures and demands of a salaried workplace (and I work with kids!) and being at home.

That's not a value judgment. They're just different, with different challenges and frustrations and ups and downs.

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Continuum · 08/05/2011 10:32

I would say society is massively critical of mothers and that can make some people feel defensive about their own family choices, and in some defensive people that can make them more critical of the choices of others. Which is a shame because we really don't need to be at each others throats on this subject. It's like we've absorbed that debate in society where if you don't get it absolutely right (as decided by whichever "experts" are trotted out for each argument) in pregnancy and the early years then your kids are screwed, when that's actually not the case at all.

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onagar · 08/05/2011 10:17

'Oh I couldn't do 5 days with a child, I need the mental stimulation'

That always makes me laugh. Fine if you are going back to being chief designer for Boeing or ambassador to the US. For most people it means washing endless dirty floors for other people when they could be enjoying the time with their new baby.

Nothing wrong with working either. Just that those who talk like all work is fulfilling/inspiring are from another planet.

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justpaddling · 08/05/2011 10:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlpinePony · 08/05/2011 08:39

Tbh OP, the fact you think this is worthy of AIBU is quite a positive indicator that you need a bit of mental stimulation outside of a world where there are tantrums if banana is served over strawberry

Ever considered getting a job?;) .

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Coralanne · 08/05/2011 08:21

My DM is the only one who seems to comment.

She keeps asking when my DD is going back to work. (baby is 9 weeks old Confused.

Because DD only works one or two days, DM feels that she is "wasting her education".

I tell DM that DD will pick up her career when all the DC's are in school.

I also took DM to my work while we were on holidays. (To check the mail, do some computer work etc.)

While I was there I decided to give the floor a mop. (Cleaner usually does this, but was also on holidays).

DM was shocked.

Her comment was "I didn't work 5 days a week to educate you, just to see you mop floors.

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MigGril · 08/05/2011 08:07

Are yes I've had that comment before to. Not sending them to nursary and know a few SAHM's some do send there Children to nursary some don't.

I didn't send DD untill she was almost 3years old and got her free hours. We couldn't have affored it otherwise. She love's preschool and the first day I droped her off the only one crying was me. We'd done lots of play groups and other things to. I do agree that she was ready by then to go but only because she seemed to need so much stimulation and had stopped napping at 2 1/2years so I needed the break to.

DS will be the same he'll be at home with me untill he goes to preschool, and hopefully we'll do lots of fun things in that time. Like I did with DD.

I chosse to be a SAHM and we can afford it, but it does mean we don't have a big house (only 2 bed oh and boy do we get a lot of chirtasium from family on that one but that's another thread) or lots of nice holiday's.

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razzlebathbone · 08/05/2011 00:49

OP you are being over sensitive and wrongly assuming that SAHMs get the rougher deal, especially you - seemingly. Just look at the loaded wording of your first post - MASSIVE, calling yourself 'lucky'...if I were being over sensitive I could easily interpret that as working mums being 'unlucky' whereas I love working part time.

SAHMs are not persecuted, not especially anyway. No more so than any other 'type' of mum. And for all you know you may give off implied vibes of being bestowed with good fortune that you piss people off into making mental stimulation comments.

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kidzrfreaky · 08/05/2011 00:39

Mothers will never win! When I was a SAHM I was considered too lazy to get up in the morning and was wasting my life by staying home with no adult to talk to.

Now I am in employment I am criticized for prefferring others to bring up my kids and not spending enough time with them myself.

You just can't win!

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perplexedpirate · 08/05/2011 00:18

What is it with having a DC that leaves woman (and men, though IME to a lesser extent) so open to judgement by just about everyone?
You've made a decision, just as we all have, and if you're happy with it, that's absolutely all that matters. But instead, society at large seems to think that procreation is an open invitation to the world to pontificate on your every move.
Gah! Sorry I'm ranting, but I've have more than enough of other people's opinions recently. I work part-time, and was asked this week how I "survive" on so few hours. This person has no knowledge of my or DH's financial position and has exclusively claimed benefits for longer than I've been alive. I wouldn't dream of saying anything to them, so why on earth am I suddenly fair game?!
Again, apologies for ranting, especially as I've regurgitated what other people have said much more succinctly, but this has touched a nerve.
Phew.
Wine

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