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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fecked off by these feckwits? What penalty do you suggest?

91 replies

ladyjennifer · 06/05/2011 22:33

So, tomorrow I've organised a big party. I posted earlier in the week here ranting about the bad manners of those I was having to chase for rsvps.

We finally managed to contact everyone who hadn't replied and this morning, we gave final numbers to the caterers which means the cost per head is now set and paid.

Then two wives phoned tonight to say their useless feckers of husbands had realised they had something else on. They didn't quite put it like that, but you get the drift. Not last-minute emergencies - one is working, the other has a football dinner booked. Ironically both were couples who'd rsvp'd early on, and one of the husbands even told me how much he was looking forward to it.

Bloody, bloody bad manners, and worse they didn't even have the balls to phone themselves to tell us and apologise. AIBU to:
a) tell the wives not to come either if they can't sort out their flakey husbands (I'd never let my dh pull this bad-mannered stunt)
b) Post something about useless feckers on Facebook
c) Never speak to any of them again
d) Put into practice any additional advice offered up on this forum.

I was out, so dh took the calls, which is probably just as well.

I won't do any of the above in reality, but am taking this chance for a rant here, as dh is telling me to calm down.

One of the couples are fundamentally a pair of freeloaders - they come to any occasion organised and paid for by other people, but never invited people to anything at their's. They are good fun though, which is why they we (and others) invite them.

I was expecting some last minute drop-outs in cases of genuine illness, children being ill etc - but these are just the actions of bad-mannered, thoughtless bloody men.

And....breathe.....

OP posts:

Ormirian · 07/05/2011 10:54

Hey ladyj - don't have another party will you? You see IME parties are supposed to be an enjoyable way to spend time with people you like. I think you have missed this IMO vital point. It seems to me you have got so hung up on the practical details you have gone into an emotional tailspin because some people have departed from the script. Shit happens when you are dealing with real people - live with it or don't bother with people.

What had the wives of these party-defaulters done to deserve to be rejected?

Original poster

ladyjennifer · 07/05/2011 11:12

Wooo! If they'd let me know when the husband knew about the football dinner I wouldn't be bothered - we confirmed numbers with the caterers on Thursday.

But to phone with less than 24 hours notice to say husb had chosen to go elsewhere (after I'd paid for catering) is what's annoyed me, especially when there were other people we couldn't invite because of not enough space.

If my dh did that (which he wouldn't because he's a decent bloke), I'd do my best to persuade him that it would be very rude to the host at such notice and not to go ahead. So that's where the wife comes in.

As I've posted, they've always been a pair of freeloaders, so peeving the wife isn't top of my list of concerns.

I'm not going to reproduce the text here, but it was considered - pointing out there is another couple who could come along in their place so best if she doesn't come. It doesn't really matter if she turns up, but if she doesn't then the party will be spending time with people we genuinely like.

Needafootmassage - I wouldn't have disinvited if she'd phoned even a few days earlier.

OP posts:

risingstar · 07/05/2011 11:24

god, this just gets funnier!

MumSecret · 07/05/2011 11:25

So did she reply to the disinvite?

Please tell us

I'd love to know what the correct RSVP etiquette is in case I ever receive one

squeakytoy · 07/05/2011 11:27

If they have always been a pair of "freeloaders" why did you invite them in the first place?

Jaspants · 07/05/2011 11:29

Awaits a thread titled

"AIBU to be pissed off that I phoned to advise party host that DH would not be coming, but I would, however I have now been uninvited to party?"

rainbowinthesky · 07/05/2011 11:29

Nice to see women are expected to be responsible and punished for their husband's behaviour. WHat a warped view of men and women.

MissyMaker · 07/05/2011 11:33

Perhaps the DH had been invited - and RSVP'd - to the football dinner before they received your gracious invitation? It that's the case, then of course he would be rude to let his hosts down. Presumably the football dinner is being catered too. Perhaps too he has considered and realised he will have far more fun with his footie chums than with you

So, did the wife respond to your text? At least she gave you the courtesy of phoning rather than texting to send her DH's apologies.

It is quite apparent reading your posts that while you demand manners from others, you possess none of your own.

ScarletOHaHa · 07/05/2011 11:36

Agree with Squeakytoy

If they are 'freeloaders' they don't sound like you consider them to be your friends.
I have no control over my husband's behaviour. It is rude to cancel at short notice but persuading/nagging would do no good. I am not his mum.
Texting to 'disinvite' is much ruder than cancelling at the last minute.

Shit happens, chill the feck out and have a good party

QuackQuackBoing · 07/05/2011 12:32

I'd do my best to persuade him that it would be very rude to the host at such notice and not to go ahead. So that's where the wife comes in. -

It's not her job to sort out her husband! What a strange view!

Perhaps he had accepted the football dinner and forgot about it. So he was in a position where he had to chose.

Also, I really don't understand why when you had 100 people coming you are concerned about the extra catering of 1 person! That's a tiny amount when you consider how much food there will be.

. . .pointing out there is another couple who could come along in their place so best if she doesn't come -

So you told her that it's more important for a "couple" to be there?! So you are one of those that only invite couples to parties and for dinner. Lovely!

QuackQuackBoing · 07/05/2011 12:34

. . . best hope you're not single one day.

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 07/05/2011 12:40

"tell the wives not to come either if they can't sort out their flakey husbands" - just how much more sexist can you get? Since when is the husbands's behaviour the wife's responsibility (although I am interested to know why the husbands didn't ring up to cancel rather than the wives - also highly sexist behaviour)

iscream · 07/05/2011 12:57

You actually uninvited a woman because her husband isn't coming?

Perhaps you better go see your doctor and get some kind of medication, you must be very uptight and stressed.

Original poster

ladyjennifer · 07/05/2011 13:05

I'd also like to know why the husbands didn't have the gumption to phone up themselves. Had I been the wife, I wouldn't have done their dirty work for them, although I appreciate that then leaves the wife in a difficult position.

I do have the old-fashioned view that if you're married, you're now a unit - up to a point - and neither of the couples are newlyweds by a long way. So, the behaviour of one does reflect on the other. Which inevitably means my reaction reflects on my dh, I know!

There are other single people coming and we've had a few drop-outs in the last week - but that was in plenty of time to adjust numbers. It's the very short notice for such a flakey reason (i.e. not an emergency or last minute work committment) that has annoyed me so much - he must have known about the football dinner well before yesterday evening.

And, no, of course they're not close friends, more acquaintances who are generally good fun at a party. Not bothered if I never see them again tbh, otherwise I would've been a lot more measured in my response... I see plenty of advice on aibu advising people to cut flakey relatives and acquaintances out of their lives!

OP posts:

ScarletOHaHa · 07/05/2011 13:23

I agree you are old fashioned.

I socialise with/without my husband and would have no problem with others doing the same - even at very short notice.

Inviting people you don't like because they are 'good fun at a party' is snide.

What type of catering is it?

MumSecret · 07/05/2011 13:30

Oh, come on, please tell us what uninvited lady's response was

My mind is boggling here

Bogeyface · 07/05/2011 13:33

I think its just aswell you arent bothered if you dont see them again, as that bridge has been well and truly burnt!

You are, quite simply, the RUDEST most spiteful self centrered person I have ever come across, and I have met some stunners over the years! You make the worst Bridezilla look like Snow White!

Thank goodness I am not invited to this car crash of a "party", i would rather iron my own face!

maighdlin · 07/05/2011 13:39

You sound like a lovely person. Men are feckless. Don't take things so seriously. I think that dis-inviting someone for such a stupid reason as that is far far ruder than someone forgetting they had a prior engagement. If its your wedding then you can be annoyed but just a normal party then YAB V V V V U.

Nancy66 · 07/05/2011 13:40

You sound a bit unhinged to be honest - and probably not somebody who should throw parties.

it's what happens when you have a party - TO EVERYONE - people drop out - mostly they're just lying and have woken up deciding they can't be arsed to go - so they come up with various shit excuses: sick kids, sick relatives, sick pets, babysitter let them down, car trouble, relatives visiting unexpectedly etc...

If you're that highly strung then you're prob not somebody that throws a great party anyhow.

rainbowinthesky · 07/05/2011 13:41

"men are feckless" - really?

clam · 07/05/2011 13:48

Did you state on the invite that the catering cut-off was 48 hours, or words to that effect?
Im guessing not, as it doesn't exactly phrase well. So, to be fair, maybe she hasn't realised you're committed to paying. And she might well be livid with her husband and hated having to be the one to make the call. Her reward? To be disinvited.
Oh dear.

nomedoit · 07/05/2011 13:57

LadyJ is getting a hard time here but her guests were bloody rude - they said they were coming, she paid for them, then one drops out to go to a pre-arranged other invite. If I had dropped out under those circumstances, I would have offered to pay for my meal.
I am sure these people DID know that the RSVP was for numbers for paying the caterers.
I wouldn't have disinvited but I would have been seething and she has avoided that resentment.

Heifer · 07/05/2011 13:58

I think you need a name change as you are NO Lady!

This has to be 1 of the strangest threads I have seen on MN for ages! Should be a MN classic for absurdity alone..

The changes are the DH had already paid for his Football dinner ticket and didn't acknowledge the clash of date at the time. - or his wife said yes without checking he was free.

and yes he would pick a Football Dinner over an average party any day!

QuackQuackBoing · 07/05/2011 15:57

It's the very short notice for such a flakey reason (i.e. not an emergency or last minute work committment) that has annoyed me so much - he must have known about the football dinner well before yesterday evening

Flaky in your opinion, probably not his. Your party is very important to you but not to everyone else obviously, especially as you said that they aren't even really friends. If they aren't really your friends then why would he pick your party over another one?

Lots of people have said that he may have forgot that he was going to the football thing or not realised they were on the same day, I have said it myself but you don't seem to be listening. In your mind he is deliberately snubbing you by not coming but that is wrong, YOU are thinking of nothing but your party, HE has his own stuff going on and may not feel you are a priority. YOUR party was probably way at the back of his mind and why wouldn't it be seeing as you aren't even friends!

captainbarnacle · 08/05/2011 09:06

How did the party go? :)

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