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to want to get married?

40 replies

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 06/05/2011 16:30

I have been with DP for 7 years exactly (anniversary was yesterday). We met (ahem) on a teenage chat site 5 years before we got together, and are a living breathing internet dating success story. I'm from Essex, he's from Wales, it's almost like Gavin and Stacey but in reverse...

Anyhoo. He moved to live with me in my 2nd year of uni. I then went abroad for a year as part of my degree course. He stayed in uni town, lived with some right nutters, just to wait for me to come back. Swoon.

Sinice then we have lived together and last year bought a house together. Helped eachother through the ups and downs of family bereavements, debts, enjoyed many holidays together, and are now enjoying going to our friends' weddings and our friends' babies' christenings.

But I'm still "living in sin" (as my nan would say) with a very lovely DP and no signs of baby or wedding on the horizon.

In my view, the next step is marriage. We both agree we want DC1 around 28/29, and he knows I want to be a Mrs before getting pg. I'm 26 now. So working backwards, assuming I get pg when I'm 28, and was married at least 3 months before, and saving up for a wedding takes 2 years, then we need to be engaged now.

I could be all post-modern and propose to him next year as it's a leap year, but somehow want this to be a bit of an old-fashioned engagement. I am truly the modern woman in all other respects, but feel this one act really does rest with the men.

I got a bit tipsy over the royal wedding weekend and told him he had until midnight on NYE this year to propose. Or else.

Don't know what 'or else' means but AIBU to be so desperate to get hitched that I gave him a deadline?!

OP posts:

minipie · 06/05/2011 16:45

"So working backwards"

See, this is the crux right here. Men don't work backwards. They think "yes, I guess I'd like to be married around 28, I'm 26 now, so definitely don't need to think about it for the next couple of years".

Anyway, I don't think there is anything wrong with couples having open and frank conversations about whether and when they want to get engaged/married. Surely this, like all important decisions, should be discussed and made jointly. The "surprise proposal" is a rare beast (and often unwelcome if it really is a surprise).

So, YANBU for having told him you'd like to be engaged by the end of the year. YABU for doing it only when tipsy and saying "or else" - why not just tell him that's what you want and ask if he agrees?


usualsuspect · 06/05/2011 16:48

Don't most couples just discuss marriage these days rather than waiting for the man to propose?


ClaireDeLoon · 06/05/2011 16:49

Agree with minipie - have a proper non-tipsy chat about it. Although tbh if I wanted to get married to my DP i'd just ask him, leap year or no leap year but can understand you want a more traditional approach!


lubberlich · 06/05/2011 16:52

What is this? 1956? Why don't you propose to him?


bubblecoral · 06/05/2011 16:52

Does he want to be married?

You said he knows that you want to be married before children, but not whether he does.

You need to have a proper discussion about it, it can be just as lovely actually making the descision together rather than him swooping on you with a surprise proposal.


MumInBeds · 06/05/2011 16:57

I'm sure there will be people who think this odd but dh and I fixed the date for our wedding a few months before he proposed. We had a discussion to make sure we were on the same page about wanting to get married and when but we both still wanted a surprise engagement when he would actually pop the question.


Maryz · 06/05/2011 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PonceyMcPonce · 06/05/2011 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 06/05/2011 17:06

Sorry forgot to add that we have discussed 'the future' together over a number of years and marriage and babies definitely features in both our plans. He even sits in our mutual friends' weddings saying things like "I wouldn't have this hymn" or "I quite like their readings, keep their order of service for future reference". He's even marvelled at our local church, saying it would "make a wonderful wedding venue".

So he's not anti-marriage. I just think he's a bit like "well, I've got a year or so yet before I need to worry about it".

Before the tipsy deadline I gave him, we had discussed a timeline and both agreed that a wedding would be needed in the next 18 months to fit with baby plans.

So I've just got to sit tight, or just book a venue!

OP posts:

pingu2209 · 06/05/2011 17:13

Can't you ask him? Why do you have to wait for him to ask you? Could you book a posh restaurant and get down on one knee, and ask him?! If he says no, at least you will know and stop wasting time.


Isntitironic · 06/05/2011 17:18

I agree it sounds like maybe he needs you to make it explicit that you want to get married soon, but I can see his point that you have still got time. Saving up for a wedding only takes 2 years if you want a big do. (If you do want a big do, fine and great, but it's not compulsory!)


motherinferior · 06/05/2011 17:21

If you want to get married, then for heaven's sake just tell him. Personally, I am 21 years older than you and have never felt the urge to take up my partner's repeated offers/suggestions of marriage, but it's your call....


ZenNudist · 06/05/2011 17:26

I don't think YABU to want to be married but it sounds like you and he are on the same page. Give him time, you've dropped your less than subtle hint (albeit whilst drunk) let that germinate. It's so much nicer for the man to set the pace for a proposal. If he didn't propose this year, or next, why would that be so bad? You can still save for the future and you don't necessarily need to book up wedding ages in advance, unless you are planning a big wedding.

Stop pressuring yourself (never mind your dp!) yes you want babies before you're 30, fine, what happens if it takes time TTC? It won't be the end of the world, you will get there, somehow, eventually.

It sounds like all your friends are doing it so you feel the time is right for you. It doesn't matter what they do. What matters is that you and your dp do what is right for you both. Don't spoil these carefree years of your relationship stressing about marriage / children. Enjoy yourselves and I bet you find your dp proposes in a lovely way in his own good time.


valiumredhead · 06/05/2011 17:38

I wouldn't wait til NYE, what's wrong with just saying "I really want us to have a family and I need to be married before that happens, are you up for it?" Grin

You need to know what your partner's plans are and if they are the same as yours.

If I had waited for dh to propose I think I'd still be waiting - he gave me an engagement ring and then thought that was it!!! Silly man!


minipie · 06/05/2011 17:41

"It's so much nicer for the man to set the pace for a proposal."

Why is that ZenNudist?


TransatlanticCityGirl · 06/05/2011 17:49

YABU for a number of reasons. Why on earth do you have to wait for him to propose, for instance? What will that give you? The feeling of being loved or chosen? Something else? There's no rhyme or reason behind that tradition in these times.

Also why are you living life according to some kind of timetable? Get engaged when you both feel it is right, not in oder to meet some kind of artificial self imposed childbithing timeline.

What is stopping you from saving money just because you are not formally engaged? As a committed couple can you not be saving for 'general future use'? Why aren't you saving for your future already, whether or not you ever get married?

It all sounds extremely over thought to me.


Wamster · 06/05/2011 17:57

I sort of guessed that threads like these would appear after the Royal Wedding. Hmm Putting aside the pros and cons of actual marriage, I think that, in the nicest way, you are guilty of trying to have it all ways.

You want to be a modern woman-and that is fine- but at the same time want a wildly romantic proposal. I'm sorry, but these do not happen when you are already living together with a mortgage.
If you do want this wildly romantic proposal, I would be aloof, distant and unavailable-bit difficult to do this when already living together, so, ultimately you need to move out.

Don't particularly agree with this stance, but if this wild romance is what you want, this is what you should do.

Though I do not understand why you've got a house together if it is not for life-unless you both see it as a savings plan and that you'll split difference if you split.


onceamai · 06/05/2011 18:05

Bit like Wamster - can't quite understand buying a house together without a commitment like engagement or marriage first.


HellNoSayItAintSo · 06/05/2011 18:17

Not very modern or post-modern waiting for a ridiculous old notion of leap year ladies proposals, is it?

If you want to get married, ask him to marry you. If you want to wait for him to ask you, wait.


JoanofArgos · 06/05/2011 18:20

grow up! If you want to get married, ask him.


carabos · 06/05/2011 19:11

"Need to be engaged now".
Oh dear.


motherinferior · 06/05/2011 19:15

'The "surprise proposal" is a rare beast (and often unwelcome if it really is a surprise). '

Ain't that the truth. I nearly passed out when DP proposed three years ago. And not from joy.


Maybeitsbecause · 06/05/2011 19:15

YABU and quite scary.

Why does it take 2 yrs to save up for a wedding? Why should the onus on proposing 'rest' with him? Do you really think an ultimatum to propose on a certain date is a good way to go into a marriage?

A lot of your assumptions are questionable and you sound spoilt and immature.


scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 19:27

issuing an ultimatium is controlling,and desperate.too needy
reason youre not married is he doesnt want to yet.but despite this you want to demand a date? why

read the signs,he doesnt want to get married yet


ZenNudist · 06/05/2011 20:01

minipie OP said she wanted to be traditional and have her DP propose, IMHO this means letting the man set the pace for the proposal, not setting deadlines and ultimatums. My reasoning is that of all the proposal stories I ever heard, the element of surprise & the forethought shown by the guy is really sweet & adds to the romance / charm.

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