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40 replies

JobCarHouseNoBaby · 06/05/2011 16:30

I have been with DP for 7 years exactly (anniversary was yesterday). We met (ahem) on a teenage chat site 5 years before we got together, and are a living breathing internet dating success story. I'm from Essex, he's from Wales, it's almost like Gavin and Stacey but in reverse...

Anyhoo. He moved to live with me in my 2nd year of uni. I then went abroad for a year as part of my degree course. He stayed in uni town, lived with some right nutters, just to wait for me to come back. Swoon.

Sinice then we have lived together and last year bought a house together. Helped eachother through the ups and downs of family bereavements, debts, enjoyed many holidays together, and are now enjoying going to our friends' weddings and our friends' babies' christenings.

But I'm still "living in sin" (as my nan would say) with a very lovely DP and no signs of baby or wedding on the horizon.

In my view, the next step is marriage. We both agree we want DC1 around 28/29, and he knows I want to be a Mrs before getting pg. I'm 26 now. So working backwards, assuming I get pg when I'm 28, and was married at least 3 months before, and saving up for a wedding takes 2 years, then we need to be engaged now.

I could be all post-modern and propose to him next year as it's a leap year, but somehow want this to be a bit of an old-fashioned engagement. I am truly the modern woman in all other respects, but feel this one act really does rest with the men.

I got a bit tipsy over the royal wedding weekend and told him he had until midnight on NYE this year to propose. Or else.

Don't know what 'or else' means but AIBU to be so desperate to get hitched that I gave him a deadline?!

OP posts:
JobCarHouseNoBaby · 06/05/2011 22:03

Wow ok so a few different lines of opinions there. I guess it's difficult to give advice when you have only read a few sentences which sum up our 7 years together (my fault for posting this question on a forum I suppose).

I agree that I probably was BU by dishing out an ultimatum. But we have been discussing marriage and babies for well over 2 years now. I've not pressurised him into anything (hence no ring yet), he freely admits we WILL get married and he WILL propose, but recently just getting fed up of wondering when it will happen.

I secretly wonder whether he really is trying to surprise me, in which case me banging on about it is kinda in its own way preventing the proposal.

By the way, in reference to wamster and onceamai - buying the house together is a big commitment and we both saw it that way. Most people my age in long term relationships that I know bought a house either shortly before getting engaged or immediately after. So I don't consider it unusual to have bought a house pre-wedding, but I guess different people have different views.

Also wamster if you read my original post plus subsequent posts, we have both been discussing marriage for a few years now, this is NOT something the Royal Wedding spawned.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 22:06

marry if y0u want but its not be all end all
most of all be content what you have

TransatlanticCityGirl · 06/05/2011 22:19

And btw, I bought a flat with my then-boyfriend after 3 yrs, heck we even bought a second flat together after 5, and only got married after 10. So nothing wrong with that, I say.

MrsSnow · 06/05/2011 22:43

YANBU theres nothing wrong with wanting to get married. As you say you are in a stable relationship, have a mortgage and planning DC etc.

YABU to demand that he proposes. Why not just ask him??? Why put all the pressure on him? Bite the bullet, buy him a 'manly' engagement ring or perhaps more appropriately a watch and just ask him.

YABU in believing it takes 2 years to save up for a wedding. Maybe its costs for an ££££££££ wedding. But if its not about a wedding and it is about a marriage then it doesn't cost that much. I married DH 3 months after we got engaged so it can be done.

HalfPastWine · 06/05/2011 22:47

Do something subtle like....

Buying wedding magazines and leave them aroung the house along with wedding venue leaflets etc ! Or create a wedding 'mood board' and put it up in the kitchen.

scottishmummy · 06/05/2011 22:53

too late ultimatum is beyond subtle
put a post it not on his head ,make me a bride

Maybeitsbecause · 07/05/2011 09:59

Thing is, you have spoilt it now, haven't you? If he does get down on bended knee on NYE and propose, it won't be a surprise, it won't be romantic, it will be hom doing as he is told like a good boy. It's all a bit bunny boiler, sorry.

You know, there doesn't have to be a proposal. Two adults are perfectly capable of deciding to get married, setting a date and just doing it.

Maybeitsbecause · 07/05/2011 09:59

him not hom

Jaspants · 07/05/2011 10:16

My SIL gave her then boyfriend an ultimatum; overcame his objection of being unable to afford a ring by giving him the money and telling him what ring she wanted. They did get married, but she has always wondered if that was down to her pushing or because he did actually want to get married to her or did it for a quiet life.

In fairness BIL is very laid back and unromantic so would've been unlikely to do stuff of his own accord.

Wamster · 07/05/2011 12:45

Jobhousecarnobaby, I've already suggested what you should do if you want the big romantic gesture, you should move out, be aloof, and act all unconcerned. No offence, but you can't have it both ways, you can't share a bed, wash somebody's socks and see their skid marks and then expect romance.
You want it both ways, fgs Hmm. It can't be both ways. Cosy domesticity does not go hand in hand with hearts and flowers romance.

QuintessentialPains · 07/05/2011 12:54

oh fgs, you have bought a house together, you agree you want to get married and have kids. In that scenario a surprise proposal, or even a proposal seem rather daft! Just tell him, "lets set a date and book the Church".

You cant have an old fashioned engagement AFTER you have moved in together and bought a house, you numpty! Grin

Sn0wflake · 07/05/2011 12:58

It was when I finally realised that wanting DH to be the sort of man who went down on one knee and surprised me with a ring on the timeline I wanted was not really accepting who he was, that I got what I wanted. On a Sunday morning in bed after he had made tea I asked him if he would marry me. He said yes. We went to a posh shop and bought each other engagement rings. It was lovely. It was us.

We are very happy and have a lovely son. sigh.

hairylights · 07/05/2011 12:59

Yabu. If you want marriage and he doesn't, then ding a ling go the alarm bells.

Have you asked him to marry you?

fatlazymummy · 07/05/2011 14:35

If he has already said that he wants to get married then ask him to set a date. If he doesn't then it could be that he isn't being entirely truthful about what he wants.
If you really want him to do the surprise proposal thing then, yes, you are putting the ball in his court. You can't really have it both ways.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/05/2011 14:41

My advice would be to say and do nothing and be prepared to wait until he decided to propose or just ask him.

Don't make any more threats. It will get you nowhere and like the posters SIL above you will be left wondering if he has married you to shut you up.

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