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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD Regarding visiting ex?

53 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 15:52

DS1's father and I split almost 11yrs ago.
he has never mantained regular contact and after an incident during the last visit 3yrs ago I said no more.

Last week we were texting regarding him paying for DS1 and agreed to £60 pm plus him helping with uniform and shoes.

Today I got a text which read

"I would like DS in my life again but am worried you may stop it again. I can't be hurt"

I replied "Fine but you MUST listen to what I say about him before you half heartedly embark on visits as he needs routine and consistency"

My next step is to arrange to meet him and explain about the AS and other issues DS1 has.

Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 06/05/2011 15:55

Yes - Tread carefully but oyu had no right stopping the access in the first place. (unless he was a threat or a danger to his child). Remember he has every right to make decisions etc regarding your son.

valiumredhead · 06/05/2011 15:55

What does ds want?

ladymystikal · 06/05/2011 15:57

watching with interest(going though contact issues with my ex)

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 16:00

MrSpoc, He had told DS1 then 7yrs old "For me to move on I can't see you anymore" then when he was 10yrs old turned up 50 minutes late with his new girlfriend in tow and her son having not seen DS1 for 3yrs.
Then lied to me and the CSA and said he was in Ireland to get out of paying for his child.

He has no rights to make any decision regarding my son he has no parental rights.

Valium, I am waiting until tomorrow to talk to him about it.

OP posts:
olderyetwider · 06/05/2011 16:02

You are doing the right thing in meeting him to explain the issues, and it will give you the chance to assess how much you can trust him with DS. If he can forge and maintain a positive relationship with his son then that is, I think, a good thing.

If you go ahead with contact could you take it steady, with him joining you and DS on outings to begin with? (if you'd be ok with that) It would give him a chance to prove he's in for the long term, and maybe give DS some reassurance having you around, and give you a chance to be sure about things before you move on to him seeing him alone.

Is it just me, or is a bit twatty for an adult in this situation to say 'I can't be hurt'?

bubblecoral · 06/05/2011 16:03

'I can't be hurt' Hmm

What about whether his child will get hurt!?

Anyway, yes, you are doing the right thing. A Father wants to see his child, and you have to give him the chance. You get to set the rules until he proves he can be reliable, and if he does, you will have to let go a bit.

It won't be easy for you, but for your ds, if he ends up with a Dad he can have a good relationship with, it will be well worth it.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 16:03

Bear in mind he spent from DS1 being 3 until he was 7 flitting in and out of his life depending on whether he had a girlfriend or not or whether he had a football match to go to or not.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 06/05/2011 16:03

Obviously I do not know what has gone on in the past but surly he would of had a reason to say that to your son.

Also it doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things if he is late and turns up with his partner and his family (thats his new family and your son needs to get to know them too not have seperate lives)

And he has every write to his son. He madwe him 50/50

ivykaty44 · 06/05/2011 16:03

I can't be hurt"

Its not about him - its about his child and his childs rights not to be hurt

That point you have to get across somehow

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 16:06

This is the other thing, DS has a brilliant relationship with DP and classes him as his dad. He was only 3 when he stopped through his own choice calling his father Dad and calling him by his name. Nothing I said would convince him otherwise. Also he has said on many times "My dad is the one who looks after me, my father helped make me they are two different people" (now 12yrs old he still says it)

OP posts:
Isindebetterplace · 06/05/2011 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

olderyetwider · 06/05/2011 16:13

The trouble is though that he his father, and no matter how good his relationship with his step-father, that won't change. There's no reason why he can't have them both in his life. (if ex is reliable and appropriate etc)

Lots of kids have good relationships with father and step-father, (and mother and step-mother) but it's difficult, takes work, and needs the adults to put their own feelings on the back-burner and concentrate on the child. (not suggesting you're not doing this btw)

ladymystikal · 06/05/2011 16:19

50/50 im so sick of that impression.Hmm shouldnt it be based on how responsible, caring and interested in his childs life he is??

bettiboo · 06/05/2011 16:25

Op, I hear your concerns. Clearly your main concern is your child and the impact your ex has had on him throughout his life. I don't think he automatically has 'rights' even though he is the biological father and I don't think you need to think about 'his' needs. This is about your son and what's best for him and only you can be the judge of that. Your ex sounds like a piece of work. I would be very wary. Luckily your son is 12 and he can make his own mind up. Clearly you DS also has very good parents to support him if anything goes wrong. I suspect your DS will make his own mind up and all you can do is support him with this and help him make the best decisions that support his own emotional well being.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 16:30

MrSpoc, yes he had a reason he was looking at moving in with his then girlfriend. Now he is single again and by his own admission moving a lot due to owing a lot of money to a lot of people.

He has not been a Dad because he couldn't deal with DS1. Now he wants to see him again.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 16:31

Betti, we love and support him yes. But when it come to making decisions such as this he wavers so much. Hence why I think I should meet his father first and explain it all to him.

OP posts:
bettiboo · 06/05/2011 16:39

Why not OP. It sounds like a good idea to me. I'm sure you'll make the right choices. Best of luck with it all.

BumptiousandBustly · 06/05/2011 16:45

Ladyevenstar - I remember your threads about how your ex and his then girlfriend and trying to MAKE him see her and her children as well. I can't believe your ex is saying "as I can't be hurt" and while I don't want to be cynical, I would say it suggests he hasn't changed.

On the other hand, as someone with a complete knob of a father, who now has no contact with him, i am glad my mother didn't prevent contact as at least I knew he was a knob and didn't think it was going to be the imaginary Saviour father who would sort my life out!

lunar1 · 06/05/2011 17:10

I cringe every time i read about parents rights in these cases. Parents who behave like that have no rights. The only important rights are those of your child. I am speaking as someone who was told as a 12 year old by my dad that we made his life very difficult by having to visit once a month, and he was always late. Trust me that 50 mins late is a lifetime to a child.

The last conversation I had with him began with Me and my wife.... Prior to that we had never even heard of this woman. this was when i was 13 and my brother was 10. I can honestly say that this man ruined my life from being 7 until i finally confronted him at 19.

It took me years to realise that my brother and i were 100 percent blameless in all this, for years i thought it was my fault.

Ask your son what he wants, speak to your ex set the ground rules. After each meeting speak with your son and make sure it all went OK.

This man has no rights he abandoned his child. If your son doesnt want to see him nobody can make him.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 17:19

Bump, I am glad someone remembered those threads, I didn't want to have to type it all out again.

I want to give him the benefit of doubt but am very wary of DS1 being hurt again. I will meet him (mn quotes in hand) and talk through with him how things will have to be.

I will gauge his reaction and decide from there - I think thats all I can honestly do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 17:26

Also MrSpoc do you think it advisable for a child to meet the numerous girlfriends some men - and DS1's father has had? they may be part of his life but they change frequently!!

OP posts:
Xales · 06/05/2011 17:29

His father told him he couldn't see him anymore so he could move on in his life when is was 7 because he had a new woman and family Shock

He can't just turn up after 3 years of not having seen his son, 50 minutes late with his latest girlfriend and her kids and expect them to be instant happy families!!! That is not his family that is complete strangers to him. What planet are you on MrSpoc?

Oh and now he is single what 50/50?? What when it suits the father to roll in? Screw what happens before or after that, the kid just has to put up and shut up? Bull shit. A child without AS etc would have problems with that let alone one with.

The OP is doing exactly the right thing in meeting up and assessing her ex before allowing him to treat his child like a second class person any longer.

Good luck!

Xales · 06/05/2011 17:30

when he was 7 sorry

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 17:31

Xales, she thought it unfair that her precious children should travel in a car to meet my son and at one point expected him to travel to the other side of london alone Hmm

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 06/05/2011 17:35

does your ds want to meet him?

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