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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD Regarding visiting ex?

53 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 15:52

DS1's father and I split almost 11yrs ago.
he has never mantained regular contact and after an incident during the last visit 3yrs ago I said no more.

Last week we were texting regarding him paying for DS1 and agreed to £60 pm plus him helping with uniform and shoes.

Today I got a text which read

"I would like DS in my life again but am worried you may stop it again. I can't be hurt"

I replied "Fine but you MUST listen to what I say about him before you half heartedly embark on visits as he needs routine and consistency"

My next step is to arrange to meet him and explain about the AS and other issues DS1 has.

Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 06/05/2011 17:37

I have no advice to give but I do find this a bit strange.

Are you 100% sure he stopped calling his own Dad 'Dad' at the age of 3 and started calling him by his first name...and had NO influence at all?

When you think of all the things some poor kids have to suffer at the hands of terrible parents, and yet mostly (especially at the age of 3) they still call them 'Mum' and 'Dad'

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 06/05/2011 17:39

ILT - I will ask him tomorrow.

Worral - I am sure, I spent weeks telling him it was Daddy and not to call him by his name.

OP posts:

Xales · 06/05/2011 17:40

I am all for 50/50. My ex has probably had DS more over the last month than me because he can work from home sometimes so we can juggle holidays.

I know my ex puts our DS first. He deserves the 50/50 we have and I bite my tongue at some of the little things as I know how much they love each other and what a fantastic relationship they have.

Your ex puts himself, his sex life and new families before his child. He needs to prove himself and earn time and a place back in your DS's life. Not just I want to see him now as I don't have a girlfriend until I get one again.

strandedbear · 06/05/2011 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

balia · 06/05/2011 19:05

I think you need to be very clear about the amount you control the contact in terms of ensuring that your DS is not upset, and what is actually not really relevant eg new girlfriends or DS's relationship with his stepdad. (FWIW, even if DS did start calling your new partner Daddy when he was 3, he clearly wasn't old enough to understand what that decision meant so it isn't appropriate.) Also the money issue should not be part of the picture either - it isn't DS's fault his Dad hasn't paid in the past.

Unless there is a great risk of harm, your DS is entitled to a relationship with his Dad - and if Dad is only capable of the odd visit every couple of months, then that is better than nothing. By all means, share your expertise at dealing with DS's SEN with your ex, see what he can commit to - set up a 'get to know you' period when he rings at a certain time every week for a few weeks, then progress to visits if he manages that. If he lets DS down, go back to phone contact for a while.

But bite your tongue and stay out of who he arrives with, what his g/f says etc.

lunar1 · 06/05/2011 19:42

why does it matter what the dad can cope with over the needs of the child. a visit every couple of months is horribly disruptive for a child.

CarGirl · 06/05/2011 19:45

Could you suggest they start building a relationship by letter/email?

Sadly I don't think his father will last the distance this time either

balia · 06/05/2011 19:53

"a visit every couple of months is horribly disruptive for a child."

Whereas not having a relationship with a parent at all is really good for them.

lunar1 · 06/05/2011 19:55

it would have been better not to see my dad every few months with a different woman and her family tagging along each time

lunar1 · 06/05/2011 19:59

im not meaning to sound like a bitch over this, but i cant get out of the position of the child in this. a week before i used to see my dad i started wetting the bed getting migraines and having nightmares. this went on until about 2 weeks after the visit when i would feel more settled. then the call would come a few weeks later and it would start up again. I wish someone had stopped us having to see him.

balia · 06/05/2011 20:55

And of course your experience, your memories, your feelings - all entirely valid. Doesn't mean that every child feels this way, or that every parent who is disorganised/having a hard time/chaotic/thoughtless/feckless/unable to sustain a relationship should be summarily barred from seeing their child.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 07/05/2011 03:43

I stopped him seeing him after the last time when he turned up late cxurrent g'f and her son in tow, didn't buy DS1 a drink or anything else becaiuse current g'f son didn't want one. Tried to pull DS1 onto his lap regardless of DS1' protests.
Told him he was being Harsh - he was 10yrs old.
told him he had to get used to seeing current g'f - lasted 2 months
told him g'fs kids were first in his life.

Now he has nothing and nobody he wants to know DS1 or thats how it seemns to me.

I have stuck by DS1 since day 1 been there to fight his corner etc but only now Ex is single has he expressed a wish to see him.

Its easy to say he has equal right but he doesn't he has no parental rights and as far as I am concerned he ha no moral rights either.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 07/05/2011 03:46

Ex has never been there for him, when DS1 was 5 had infetcted chicken pox, impetigo, tonsilitis and a viral infection and needed to have his finger lanced(sliced open to release the pus inside) he told him "if you don't cry like a baby I will buy you chocolate"

OP posts:

balia · 07/05/2011 07:51

But nobody has said anything about the father having equal rights or parental rights, have they? What a few people have talked about is the child's right to have a relationship with a parent. And you don't have to justify your action in preventing that relationship by stopping contact to random people on the internet - but at the same time, is it useful to go over and over every mistake ex ever made at the very beginning of an attempt to re-establish that relationship?

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 07/05/2011 22:24

IMHO he has no rights I am going to let him see DS1 if after I have met up with him I feel he has changed enough to warrant it.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 07/05/2011 22:55

Sounds like you are doing a brilliant job looking out for your son, He is really lucky to have you for a mum. I hope your meeting with your ex goes well and you can come to an arrangement DS is happy with.

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 07/05/2011 23:51

TLE, I really feel for you. I have similar problems with my ex and DD, and I go over and over in my head whether I should be encouraging contact, as DD wants it, or putting a stop to it as when he lets her down- which is very regularly- her self esteem is shattered once again. I don't think a parents right to a relationship comes into it when you KNOW that the child is going to be in absolute pieces in a couple of weeks time.

You know your son, you know your ex, do what you and your son decide is best.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2011 01:17

You are doing the right thing by meeting up with your ex first. He needs to commit to having a relationship with your DS this time. This has got to be on the basis that it is what he and your DS wants, regardless of whatever else he has going on in his life. Contact should be regular and he needs to be on time. Given your DS condition, you are within reason to lay down the law on this. If it was a senario of your ex taking you to court for access, given his record, they would insist on this and probably supervised access until he proves himself capable.

Your DS deserves stability as well as a relationship with his father.

BumptiousandBustly · 08/05/2011 08:20

I think you are doing brilliantly in a difficult situation. You have a wonderful, but hardwork DS - You have a complete knob of an ex who makes things much, much worse, and frankly I think you are a saint for even thinking of meeting with him to see if he has changed.

I agree completely that he has no rights what so ever, he is not a father, and the only person you need to consider is your DS.

Good luck with it all - but remember you have no control over what your ex thinks and as far as he is concerned nothing will ever be his fault!

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 10/05/2011 22:20

Well I broached the subject with DS1 on Sunday about seeing him. At first he was, as expected hesitant.

Then he went off to think about it. He came and asked me loads of questions about what to expect from him. Asking me if "daddy is ok with me seeing him". I explained we were both fine and then he came back with "But if daddy loves me then why doesn't he mind me going" - another explanation needed urgently.

Then his whole mood changed and he went into a rage. This is why I am dubious about it as well. I am not sure whether it is the uncertainty or the imbalance in his life when he is around.

The rage he went into resulted in me being punched in the face tbh I was in shock, angry and upset. He knew immediatly he had done something wrong as he wouldn't look at me or speak to me at all. I have to admit that I did shout infact I bellowed at him to get out of my sight before I exploded. Obviously I wouldn't have but I was angry.

He came back into the living room about 25 minutes later cuddled me and said "mummy can we be friends now" - he didn't
apologise but that was a HUGE step for him as it has been over a year since he hugged me. I know this doesn't make up
for what he did but i really don't think he meant it as he was so shocked himself.

Anyway it has made me think even more about his father visiting. I don't want to see DS1 deteriorate behaviourly when we have
made so much progress. But I don't want to deprive him of his father, DS1 wants him to accompany himself, DP, DS2 and I on
days out for a while. I am not sure this is going to work BUT we have got to find a way for it to.

Then yesterday we had a day out and he was my DS1 again, laughing harder than I have seen him laugh in a very long time, running on an empty (all but us 4) beach and playing in the sea. All things he hates normally as he hates crowds.

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck this is so hard!

OP posts:

CarGirl · 10/05/2011 22:35

I wonder if "I think you have lots of feelings about x" type talk would help.

So you can name his feelings and the confusion it causes him.

Perhaps you could actually write out lots of sentances about he could be feeling and ask him to pick out the ones he feels, perhaps it will help your ds cope with how angry/upsetting/confusing he finds it?

ie
Meeting x could be fun

x always lets me down

I'm jealous that ds2 lives with his dad all the time

Dh doesn't love me like he loves ds too

It's Mum's fault that x isn't here anymore

It's my fault that x doesn't see me

X doesn't want me and neither does mum.

I don't know but it has certainly triggered a strong reaction in ds1.

Original poster

TheLadyEvenstar · 10/05/2011 23:08

Car it certainly has and I think thats because he has let him down so many times in the past.

Also because in his mind he has decided it is my fault his father went. Which is partly my fault - to make that clearer. When he was 10-11ish he asked why his father and I split. I explained he had not been very nice to me and that we decided not to stay together. He said "I remember him hitting you" which I found amazing as he had been so young (have since had it explained that young children can remember things) I sat down with him and explained yes he had and if he had any questions I would answer. Well he than asked me if he was remembering right that police had been in the home - I was honest and said yes I had had to call them when he hit me and I asked the police to take him away.

I explained all of this before I knew he had AS I wouldn't have if I had known as now he is certain it is all my fault. Mummy called police father went kind of logic.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 11/05/2011 19:40

Is he getting any support from CAMHS? I wonder if now he's hit you that is a reason for referral as he clearly needs some help to work through this

AppleyEverAfter · 11/05/2011 19:52

"He has no parental rights"

Sorry but he does, even if he has lied, upset your son and turned up late once.

My auntie's a family lawyer and she said even convicted paedophiles can get access to their children... obviously supervised and under strict terms but you can never stop a father from seeing his child, no matter how little you think of him.

I would seriously give this man a break, yes he's made mistakes and sounds like a complete twat TBH but what will you say in 10 years' time when your son is angry that he had no contact with his dad? At least you can say you tried.

otisdriftwood · 11/05/2011 20:46

Give him a break? after the way he has treated that child he has no right to just walk back in like nothing ever happened.

He told his own son he had to cut him off to move on with his new GF.....hardly realiable father material. I think he should have to have some guidelines laid down TBH

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