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by giving up on a friend?

58 replies

SnuffleTurtle153 · 06/05/2011 14:54

I've had the same best friend since we were 13 (we're now 27). Each of us has moved away at various times and sometimes we've lost touch for a while but whenever we did see each other it was always as though we'd never been apart, and we could always rely on the other for support whenever we were having a crap time.

Then a couple of years ago I got married. She'd been having some man-trouble whereby her long term partner finished with her out of the blue, and her (relatively) new partner was messing her about quite a bit. Even though I asked her to be bridesmaid she always clammed up and got all funny whenever I talked about the wedding, and kept making comments about how she would never tie herself down at such a young age, and found people who did to be quite 'desperate'. Some of her comments really got to me, and I was REALLY hurt when she blurted out to my H2B exactly what my wedding dress looked like! Once the wedding was done, though, she seemed to get back to normal, and I thought I had probably been a bit over-sensitive. Til I got pregnant.

DS was massively wanted by both me and the DH and we'd been trying for a little while as I had some complications that had resulted in a miscarriage a couple of years before (which the BF knew about). We hadn't told anyone we were trying in case it didn't happen, so when we found out I was expecting I went straight round to the BFs to tell her the good news. However, she made it plain that she was totally horrified at the idea and sent me a text the next day saying that she'd spent the previous night crying, then wouldn't answer when I rang her. During my pregnancy I only saw her twice; she kept avoiding my phone calls and not turning up when we'd arranged to meet, and to be honest I started feeling like the freaky flatmate in Single White Female and basically gave up in the end. We have loads of mutual friends though so she knew when the baby had arrived (after an utterly appalling labour), and came round when he was a couple of weeks old. After informing me that I looked 'like shit' she said she wouldn't stay if all I was going to do was bang on about the baby, then sat there rolling her eyes every time DS needed me or I spoke to him. After leaving she sent me a text saying we had nothing in common anymore, before taking to Facebook to announce that she would never end up 'like one of those women who give up everything just to have a kid'.

That was 6 weeks ago and I've not heard a peep since. DH says I should give up and that if she's going to behave like this then she's not much of a friend to lose. But we've been mates for over 10 years, and I feel shitty enough at the moment without wanting to alienate someone I used to be so close to at a time when I need my friends more than ever. But then other times I'm furious with her for snubbing me just because I've become a mum. DS is GORGEOUS and I don't want a friend who'll make me feel awful for loving him and wanting to talk about or be with him. I don't know if I should bother trying to talk to her, or just leave it for her to either get back in touch or not. Any thoughts?!

OP posts:

kneedeepinthedirtylaundry · 06/05/2011 15:00

Just leave it. It sounds like she might be jelous of your family life, otherwise, unless you've been rubbing it in her face (which it doesn't sound as if you have), she's just a twat. Either way, you have certainly grown apart, and I would leave it. if she ever changes her mind (perhaps when she has a child herself), she might come to you. But forget about her and enjoy your baby.


squeakytoy · 06/05/2011 15:00

Why would you even want to try and stay friends with someone who is such a twat to you? Confused

You havent done anything wrong. She has.


exexpat · 06/05/2011 15:01

Give her ten years to grow up a bit then try again?


Pixieonthemoor · 06/05/2011 15:01

People often do grow apart for a time when their lives are in different stages and then can be friends again at a later date (you said yourself that there had been periods of time when you hadnt seen each other for a while). Perhaps when she has grown up a bit, realised that the world doesn't revolve around her and stopped (frankly) being a bit of a bitch you might be able to reignite the friendship. If you want. Which really I wouldn't! Life is too short to waste time on people who make you feel bad about yourself and your choices. Don't feel bad about the fact that you have such a history - it is not your shitty behaviour that has ended the friendship, but hers! Just concentrate on the lovely family you and your DH have created. Congratulations btw!


pleasekeepcalmandcarryon · 06/05/2011 15:01

I think your DH is right, difficult as it is. You have bigger priorities in your life now. She sounds like one of those women who will slag everything you do but when it is her turn it will miraculously be different!

It's probably rooted in jealousy/insecurity but that doesn't justify it.

You will make new friends as your DS gets older.


JamieAgain · 06/05/2011 15:01

She seems to have made herself pretty clear so despite the fact that you know she's not being entirely rational I'd call her bluff.


justpaddling · 06/05/2011 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

icooksocks · 06/05/2011 15:03

I would guess she is jealous, I would leave her be and wait to see if she comes round in a few months/years.


JamieAgain · 06/05/2011 15:03

This is the second friends-being-twats-after-the-birth-of-a-baby thread in a week.


catinboots · 06/05/2011 15:04

I have recently just cut out a jealous and spiteful friend. I persevered with the friendship for ages because I didn't want to throw ten years away.

It hurts and I miss her. But it was the right thing to do. The nastyness and horibble times outweighed the good times.


CareyFakes · 06/05/2011 15:04

Mug her right off.

She's made her feelings clear, probably jealous, but I wouldn't push it further. Maybe in a few years time she'll realise what a bint she's being and apologise and you'll be mates again, but I wouldn't go out of my way to initiate that.


bibbitybobbityhat · 06/05/2011 15:05

"After leaving she sent me a text saying we had nothing in common anymore" - she doesn't want you to contact her again.

Its very hurtful but you don't need to be friends with someone who doesn't appear to like you much. Cross her off your Christmas card list, delete her number from your phone, delete her from your facebook and get on with your life.


ENormaSnob · 06/05/2011 15:08

Leave the stupid bitch to it.


LiliesandVeuve · 06/05/2011 15:09

what a cow.
i understand someone having those views, but what she has done is blatantly hurt you.
seems she has gone out of her way to be mean and spiteful

leave her alone, no loss to you


juneau · 06/05/2011 15:09

I think you have to accept that you've already lost her - and not through anything you've done. She sounds wildly jealous of your happy situation and is handling it all horribly. Please don't chase her - she's being a complete bitch and if she can't bite her tongue and be happy for you and make an effort to take an interest in your baby when you've been BFs for so long then I really don't see that you're losing much. Friends come and go and sometimes we lose the ones we least expect to, but it happens to all of us.


scarletfingernail · 06/05/2011 15:09

She sounds very childish and very jealous.

Leave her be. You have different priorities to her and she doesn't respect that. She doesn't sound like much of a friend.

Get on with your life and enjoy your lovely new DS.


QuackQuackBoing · 06/05/2011 15:10

Wow what a bitch! She's just horrible, unsupportive and really not what you (or anyone!) needs in their life. You need to let the friendship go. Find out about local mum and baby groups and get out there and make new friends. I did, it was scary at first but it gets easier with practice.


JamieAgain · 06/05/2011 15:11

OP - just to add - I know it's not as easy as we are all saying, partly because you probably feel particularly emotional at the moment, but it does seem pretty clear. Maybe you'll get back in touch later, but .....


LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/05/2011 15:14

I don't actually think you have the option, she's basically told you how she feels about your friendship and it's not as if you have a choice.

In your position, I'd put the friendship behind me and find other friends. Friendships aren't always for life. Don't feel badly about it. Good luck!


DaisyGoneCrazy · 06/05/2011 15:16

She sounds like a hideous person and somone you are well rid of, i agree with other posters that she sounds jealous of you and your happiness. As much as it hurts you right now i think it would be best just to write this friendship. Concentrate on your family and don't let this woman spoil your happiness, You deserve better!


HecateQueenOfTheNight · 06/05/2011 15:22

She treats you like that and you think she's a mate and you want her in your life?

Do you have low self esteem?

Honestly, just bin her. she's made it very clear how little she cares about you. She sounds envious every step of the way.


OldBagWantsNewBag · 06/05/2011 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Finallyspring · 06/05/2011 15:30

I knew there would be loads of posts saying just forget her. I do understand. I've known my good friends since primary school. It is true that you go through phases in life and leave people behind on the way but friendship isn't like a primark t shirt. Long friendships are special and it is lovely that you wonder what to do rather than forgetting her straight away. Tbh if the people suggesting this are really able to forget a friend of ten years then they are very very hard hearted.

But, as others have said, she has decided that she can't cope with this change in your situation. She is jealous and immature. You can't do anything about it. You too are probably adjusting to the idea that you are entering a new phase of your life and may lose things. Plus, you are probably tired and hormonal and not able to think straight. She can't handle being friends with you, you should not waste your energy fretting. Something very similar happened to me with a friend of 20 years. There's no need to 'dump' or decide she's 'bitch' your life is not an East Enders episode. Just tell your self she has problems and then leave it.

I think that as she matures and settles in her own life she might come back to you and will try to make amends. In the meantime her feelings are too strong to argue with so leave it and enjoy your baby !


SnuffleTurtle153 · 06/05/2011 15:31

Thank you peeps. I did read that through after I'd posted and thought well, seems pretty obvious, leave it! Just a bit sad, that's all. You know when you have friends you don't expect to ever lose? Don't want to dwell on it though or chase someone who plainly isn't interested. Onwards and upwards...

OP posts:

WriterofDreams · 06/05/2011 15:31

Sounds like a very serious case of jealousy and downright bitchiness to me. I had a similar situation with my best friend a few years ago. We became friends in secondary school, spent a lot of time together. I got together with my DH at uni and she went totally loopy, saying she hated him, despite not knowing him at all. She even went so far as to say that if he was at any events, such as my birthday party, she wouldn't attend and had the gall to be shocked when I didn't automatically say that I wouldn't invite my own fiance (at the time) to my birthday party!! I tried to reason with her numerous times but I had to cut her out in the end as she refused to be sensible. What surprised me was that I didn't miss her one little bit. I realised that she had always been selfish and controlling and that I gained nothing from the friendship.

She got back in contact again recently and seems to have matured somewhat but I really couldn't be arsed to make the effort with her any more, too much has happened. It's a shame but really I have benefited from no longer being her friend.

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