by giving up on a friend?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

I've had the same best friend since we were 13 (we're now 27). Each of us has moved away at various times and sometimes we've lost touch for a while but whenever we did see each other it was always as though we'd never been apart, and we could always rely on the other for support whenever we were having a crap time.

Then a couple of years ago I got married. She'd been having some man-trouble whereby her long term partner finished with her out of the blue, and her (relatively) new partner was messing her about quite a bit. Even though I asked her to be bridesmaid she always clammed up and got all funny whenever I talked about the wedding, and kept making comments about how she would never tie herself down at such a young age, and found people who did to be quite 'desperate'. Some of her comments really got to me, and I was REALLY hurt when she blurted out to my H2B exactly what my wedding dress looked like! Once the wedding was done, though, she seemed to get back to normal, and I thought I had probably been a bit over-sensitive. Til I got pregnant.

DS was massively wanted by both me and the DH and we'd been trying for a little while as I had some complications that had resulted in a miscarriage a couple of years before (which the BF knew about). We hadn't told anyone we were trying in case it didn't happen, so when we found out I was expecting I went straight round to the BFs to tell her the good news. However, she made it plain that she was totally horrified at the idea and sent me a text the next day saying that she'd spent the previous night crying, then wouldn't answer when I rang her. During my pregnancy I only saw her twice; she kept avoiding my phone calls and not turning up when we'd arranged to meet, and to be honest I started feeling like the freaky flatmate in Single White Female and basically gave up in the end. We have loads of mutual friends though so she knew when the baby had arrived (after an utterly appalling labour), and came round when he was a couple of weeks old. After informing me that I looked 'like shit' she said she wouldn't stay if all I was going to do was bang on about the baby, then sat there rolling her eyes every time DS needed me or I spoke to him. After leaving she sent me a text saying we had nothing in common anymore, before taking to Facebook to announce that she would never end up 'like one of those women who give up everything just to have a kid'.

That was 6 weeks ago and I've not heard a peep since. DH says I should give up and that if she's going to behave like this then she's not much of a friend to lose. But we've been mates for over 10 years, and I feel shitty enough at the moment without wanting to alienate someone I used to be so close to at a time when I need my friends more than ever. But then other times I'm furious with her for snubbing me just because I've become a mum. DS is GORGEOUS and I don't want a friend who'll make me feel awful for loving him and wanting to talk about or be with him. I don't know if I should bother trying to talk to her, or just leave it for her to either get back in touch or not. Any thoughts?!

[redexpat]

Friends are there for reason, season or lifetime. You thought she would be there for life, but really, the season has ended. It does sound like it's all about her though, so try not to take it to heart (although I find that's almost impossible).

[northerngirl41]

JamieAgain - I'm not saying she hasn't behaved absimably but I do think the OP was slightly foolish not to take her past behaviour into consideration. Therefore it would be even more important to meet on neutral territory and make sure your conversation was two-sided not just "baby-this, baby-that" (and I do know how hard that is).

The friend may really have felt under pressure to go round and "meet the baby" since they have lots of friends in common. So unless she made the effort to go round and meet the OP's DS, she risked losing her other friends as well as her long term friend.

Then to be confronted with the long term friend so wrapped up in the baby that she really didn't talk about anything else would have been quite scary and hurtful to the friend, since she isn't part of that world and doesn't understand it - it would have felt like being shut out completely. No wonder she stomped off in a huff. Not the most mature thing to do, but it is understandable.

I think an apology and an offer to meet up without the baby like old times might go a long way to bridging this void. The OP sounds like she does want to keep her old friend, so really this is the only way to do it.

[JamieAgain]

I agree that if she wants to do it then that's the only way, but I still think it's pandering to an unreasonable extent

[QuintessentialPains]

I totally disagree with what northerngirl is saying. A good friend will be happy for your good fortune, and when things are going well for you in life, like weddings, childbirth, etc. They dont bitch. If they care for you, they simply dont.

She seems like a friend of the past, treat her this way, and let her be. She has made her position quite clear, for a while now, it seems, so let her be.

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

That's harsh. I just think that the OP, who is the one fortunate enough to have a happy marriage and beautiful baby, can afford to be charitable and a bit forgiving...

[SnuffleTurtle153]

Fair dos Breastmilk, that was my thinking when I was pregnant (I've been tortued myself in the past by 'smug-marrieds'). But when she did come round I made a massive effort not to dwell on baby stuff (bit hard when it was all I'd done for 2 weeks lol) and asked lots of questions about what was going on with her... Kept getting one word answers. Unfortunately my midwife popped in while she was there and we had a long-ish discussion about the birth (there'd been some complications) which I would imagine was pretty stomach churning to anyone listening - kept shooting the BF desperate 'please go in the kitchen' looks but she steadfastedly stared at the ceiling throughout!
Thank you for all the replies. Think I'll do as the majority suggest and just leave it.... Hopefully she'll get in touch again some time in the future and we can pick up where we left off. I do appreciate that people change and friendships can't always stay the same, and I think that some of her behaviour is motivated by an envy on her part as lots of you have suggested. Stupid thing is though that that can work both ways, and if she ever spoke to me about it I could let her know that, actually, I'm pretty envious that she's a size 6, gets 8 hours of sleep a night and has the freedom to please herself in her spare time!
Thanks for your help peeps.

[chipmonkey]

northerngirl, why should the OP apologise ? She has done nothing wrong. If anyone should apologise, it's the small-minded "friend". The majority of people do go on to have a long-term relationship and babies. If that's a dealbreaker for the friend she's not going to have many friends at all by the time she hits 40.

[skybluepearl]

maybe leave it a few years till she has grown up a bit?