by giving up on a friend?

[SnuffleTurtle153]

I've had the same best friend since we were 13 (we're now 27). Each of us has moved away at various times and sometimes we've lost touch for a while but whenever we did see each other it was always as though we'd never been apart, and we could always rely on the other for support whenever we were having a crap time.

Then a couple of years ago I got married. She'd been having some man-trouble whereby her long term partner finished with her out of the blue, and her (relatively) new partner was messing her about quite a bit. Even though I asked her to be bridesmaid she always clammed up and got all funny whenever I talked about the wedding, and kept making comments about how she would never tie herself down at such a young age, and found people who did to be quite 'desperate'. Some of her comments really got to me, and I was REALLY hurt when she blurted out to my H2B exactly what my wedding dress looked like! Once the wedding was done, though, she seemed to get back to normal, and I thought I had probably been a bit over-sensitive. Til I got pregnant.

DS was massively wanted by both me and the DH and we'd been trying for a little while as I had some complications that had resulted in a miscarriage a couple of years before (which the BF knew about). We hadn't told anyone we were trying in case it didn't happen, so when we found out I was expecting I went straight round to the BFs to tell her the good news. However, she made it plain that she was totally horrified at the idea and sent me a text the next day saying that she'd spent the previous night crying, then wouldn't answer when I rang her. During my pregnancy I only saw her twice; she kept avoiding my phone calls and not turning up when we'd arranged to meet, and to be honest I started feeling like the freaky flatmate in Single White Female and basically gave up in the end. We have loads of mutual friends though so she knew when the baby had arrived (after an utterly appalling labour), and came round when he was a couple of weeks old. After informing me that I looked 'like shit' she said she wouldn't stay if all I was going to do was bang on about the baby, then sat there rolling her eyes every time DS needed me or I spoke to him. After leaving she sent me a text saying we had nothing in common anymore, before taking to Facebook to announce that she would never end up 'like one of those women who give up everything just to have a kid'.

That was 6 weeks ago and I've not heard a peep since. DH says I should give up and that if she's going to behave like this then she's not much of a friend to lose. But we've been mates for over 10 years, and I feel shitty enough at the moment without wanting to alienate someone I used to be so close to at a time when I need my friends more than ever. But then other times I'm furious with her for snubbing me just because I've become a mum. DS is GORGEOUS and I don't want a friend who'll make me feel awful for loving him and wanting to talk about or be with him. I don't know if I should bother trying to talk to her, or just leave it for her to either get back in touch or not. Any thoughts?!

[skybluepearl]

maybe leave it a few years till she has grown up a bit?

[chipmonkey]

northerngirl, why should the OP apologise ? She has done nothing wrong. If anyone should apologise, it's the small-minded "friend". The majority of people do go on to have a long-term relationship and babies. If that's a dealbreaker for the friend she's not going to have many friends at all by the time she hits 40.

[SnuffleTurtle153]

Fair dos Breastmilk, that was my thinking when I was pregnant (I've been tortued myself in the past by 'smug-marrieds'). But when she did come round I made a massive effort not to dwell on baby stuff (bit hard when it was all I'd done for 2 weeks lol) and asked lots of questions about what was going on with her... Kept getting one word answers. Unfortunately my midwife popped in while she was there and we had a long-ish discussion about the birth (there'd been some complications) which I would imagine was pretty stomach churning to anyone listening - kept shooting the BF desperate 'please go in the kitchen' looks but she steadfastedly stared at the ceiling throughout!
Thank you for all the replies. Think I'll do as the majority suggest and just leave it.... Hopefully she'll get in touch again some time in the future and we can pick up where we left off. I do appreciate that people change and friendships can't always stay the same, and I think that some of her behaviour is motivated by an envy on her part as lots of you have suggested. Stupid thing is though that that can work both ways, and if she ever spoke to me about it I could let her know that, actually, I'm pretty envious that she's a size 6, gets 8 hours of sleep a night and has the freedom to please herself in her spare time!
Thanks for your help peeps.

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

That's harsh. I just think that the OP, who is the one fortunate enough to have a happy marriage and beautiful baby, can afford to be charitable and a bit forgiving...

[QuintessentialPains]

I totally disagree with what northerngirl is saying. A good friend will be happy for your good fortune, and when things are going well for you in life, like weddings, childbirth, etc. They dont bitch. If they care for you, they simply dont.

She seems like a friend of the past, treat her this way, and let her be. She has made her position quite clear, for a while now, it seems, so let her be.

[JamieAgain]

I agree that if she wants to do it then that's the only way, but I still think it's pandering to an unreasonable extent

[northerngirl41]

JamieAgain - I'm not saying she hasn't behaved absimably but I do think the OP was slightly foolish not to take her past behaviour into consideration. Therefore it would be even more important to meet on neutral territory and make sure your conversation was two-sided not just "baby-this, baby-that" (and I do know how hard that is).

The friend may really have felt under pressure to go round and "meet the baby" since they have lots of friends in common. So unless she made the effort to go round and meet the OP's DS, she risked losing her other friends as well as her long term friend.

Then to be confronted with the long term friend so wrapped up in the baby that she really didn't talk about anything else would have been quite scary and hurtful to the friend, since she isn't part of that world and doesn't understand it - it would have felt like being shut out completely. No wonder she stomped off in a huff. Not the most mature thing to do, but it is understandable.

I think an apology and an offer to meet up without the baby like old times might go a long way to bridging this void. The OP sounds like she does want to keep her old friend, so really this is the only way to do it.

[redexpat]

Friends are there for reason, season or lifetime. You thought she would be there for life, but really, the season has ended. It does sound like it's all about her though, so try not to take it to heart (although I find that's almost impossible).

[JamieAgain]

northerngirl - I think it's one thing being sympathetic to someone's issues, but quite another to think the OP has been in anyway wrong for wanting to have a normal friendship with someone who she thought cared for her. Real friends realise that there are times when the conversation will be more about you than them. The friend chose to go round when the baby was tiny and then be a complete bitch. There are no two ways about it, the other girl has behaved very badly.

[atswimtwolengths]

I was just wondering whether she felt that out of the two of you she was the one who had the boyfriend, who looked nicer, who had more options, etc.

Is that what life was like for her when you were young? Sometimes those early experiences set the pattern for a relationship and it's hard for someone to accept the pattern's changed.

I think you shouldn't approach her at all. Block her from Facebook and don't get involved with talking about her with any of your other friends. She's behaved really badly but - this is what struck me - as really immaturely - which makes me think that she sees you as in the ascendancy (with your marriage and your baby) whereas her life hasn't changed. Maybe she can't cope with the (perceived) comparison.

[northerngirl41]

She sounds pretty horrible, but thinking of it from her end and in a charitable light - you have what she wants, she's clearly jealous. Was it really necessary to reconnect with her when you're basking in babymoon period and can't stop talking about him, let alone be away from him? Did you ask her what was going on in her life and make a genuine effort to be interested?

I have lots of friends without kids - some because they truly didn't want them, others because they'd never met the right guy and a few who scared off any potential suitor because they're rather insane enthusiastic about the idea of marriage/babies etc.

But I'm quite careful about meeting with them and try to do it without kids, and do something which interests them. If they are prepared to put up with all my grumbles, then surely I should meet them halfway? Friendship is a two way street, and it doesn't always have to be "love me, love my children" - if anything it's lovely to just have a break from being mum.

[ebbandflow]

It sounds like your friend felt she was losing you from the moment you got married-she sounds sad. You've not really said how her life is going at the moment. I'd probably make one last ditch attempt to contact her.

[pingu2209]

I think that it is not you giving up on your friend, but the other way round. I'm afraid the whole decision has been taken out of your hands.

However, you have not done anything nasty to her, she is just as jelous as hell of you.

Her comment on Facebook was really nasty. You have a choice - ignor it, but possibly you will feel really narked that she thinks that she got the better of you (which she didn't by the way!).

Alternatively (if you are feeling strong and angry enough) you could respond to her comments on Facebook with: "I am so pleased I am married with my wonderful and gorgeous son, I wouldn't want to be one of those jelous women who are so eaten up with bitterness that they can't be pleased for their friends and fellow women."

Clearly that will KILL your relationship stone dead, but at least you would have got the final comment in!

[LouMacca]

YANBU at all OP. If one of my friends came to see me after an appalling birth and told me I looked like shit and she wasn't going to stay if I was going to bang on about the baby I'm afraid that would be it for me.

I have a very good single, childless friend and rather than alienate me she has embraced my DCs and is very much part of our family, I couldn't imagine my life without her. She would have loved children but has just never met the right man. I hope that I would be the same if the shoe was on the other foot, that's what friends do.

[cannydoit]

had friends like this, they are in your life for so long its hard to see that when you met them you were such a different person, you have changed and perhaps they have not and there in lies the problem. they dont like it and feel it is necessary to belittle you to try and compensate. it really hard to do because of all the shared history but it is definitely time to cut her loose its not about not having things in common any more its about her making you feel bad and you second guessing your self about it.
i have kids and friends without kids and we get on just fine. get rid, the relief will be huge but you will always think about her.

[MsScarlett]

She sounds horrid. Clearly she is jealous and I feel sorry for her in a way as obviously she is hurting over her break-up and stuff but that is no excuse. It's not as though she's that old that she is left on the shelf, and in a matter of a few years she may be married with a child and I'm sure she wouldn't expect you to behave so horribly to HER. I broke up with a man I thought I was going to marry and have kids with, but I didn't let it turn me into a bitter and twisted bitch, and now I have a dp and dd that I adore. Ditch her until she grows up.

[jeckadeck]

Breastmilk it is difficult, but it doesn't make things easier for anyone if you poison the relationship by dumping your misery onto your friend. Being an adult and admitting you feel rotten about it is likely to have a far more positive outcome. If after this many years friendship this woman can't keep a lid on her emotions enough to maintain the friendship, or at least have the honestly to explain to her friend why she's being weird, she's not worth it.

[RJRabbit]

I came to this thread fully expecting to say that you're just in different places with your lives at the moment, give her time, one day you'll be back on track, blah, blah....

But this girl is nasty, nasty, nasty. How dare she blatantly spout rubbish like that? I think you're very kind not to have retorted on her facebook status, good for you.

Yes, give her time - 50 years should do it.

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

Maybe I'm too soft, but I just feel really sorry for this women. Easy to say from a distance, perhaps, but I've been in the situation of being single and childless whilst everyone around me seemed to be getting married and having babies... and it is very difficult. I'm sure others here will have been there too.

[jeckadeck]

This is a cut and dried case of envy by the sounds of it, and her wanting to be controlling on top. I'm going through something similar with an old friend but not nearly as bad -- my friend is weird about babies but would never dream of being so explicitly hostile about my child. Up to a point its incumbent on those of us blessed with children to be sensitive to those who don't and who are sensitive about it but that doesn't mean we should tolerate bitchiness of this order. I'd let her go as you don't need someone like this in your life at the moment. Odds on she will move on, sort herself out a bit and realize she's been a prize twat and come crawling back, at which point you can decide whether or not you want her back in your life. If she doesn't you're well rid.

[vhappymumma2b]

My goodness, your mate sounds like she needs a reality check on what it means to be a good friend - she is falling way below the acceptance mark and you deserve better at such an important time in your life. It is a shame that her actions are leaving you feeling this way and she needs to understand that she cannot treat you like this and take your friendship for granted. It sounds like things are very one way at the moment, with you being supportive and kind and still being optimistic that her behaviour may improve and her being incredibly unkind and bitchy. Seeing that you have both known each other for such a long time, I take it that she knows which buttons when pushed will cause you to be hurt - her actions seem to be inexcusable.

From the group of examples you have listed in your message it seems that time and time again she has managed to hurt your feelings and be unkind, so please don't have any second thoughts about having a time out on this. You shouldn't feel guilty as you haven't done anything wrong, it seems to me like your friend is terribly jealous of the stability that you have - maybe like exexpat said above, give her 10 years and see what happens when she grows a concience for the way she has mistreated you.

Concentrate on the wonderfully happy things that you have in your life right now - a lovely husband and a lovely new son :)

Hope all works out x

[Nanny0gg]

You haven't drifted apart, she's cut you off in a spectacularly spiteful fashion. And with hindsight, you should have taken the hint when you got married, because that was nasty too. She hasn't been your friend since you got engaged.
And it's irrelevant whether or not she has 'ishoos'.
This is unforgivable.

[TheOriginalFAB]

YANBU and you are not the one doing the alienating.

I have a friend who is hard work at times and while I know I can be, I want to be there for her but it just means I will take a day or two before I contact so I can be 100% supportive.

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

I agree with the others, just leave it for now. But don't do anything drastic to burn the bridges. Certainly, she's being thoughtless and selfish and immature but in a few years she may also be a wife and a mother and your friendship may pick up from there. So probably worth keeping her on your mobile and your facebook for now...