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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU as my dh says I am

53 replies

reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:07

In January my mother compromised my dd's saftey by releasing details to people she shouldn't have. I informed school, went balistic told her I wasn't happy, and if she did it again I would not have anything more to do with her.

In March the people contacted her again she was putting a lot of pressure on me, to relase information I said no very forcefully, and again reiterated she would be out of my life.

My dad who separated from my mum 20 years ago and has not spoken to her in those 20 years, was so angry at her stupidty, he asked for her number and phoned her up, and told her that what she was suggesting was idiotic. My sister phoned her and said she was being idiotic, even my mother's own husband (who i don't get on with normally) told her she was being idiotic.

We all hoped she'd get the message with noone thinking it was a good idea.

Roll forward to today, she called me to say they have been in contact again and that I am being unreasonable not to give what they request. I was at work and therefore was calmly forceful, she told me I was being unreasonable and hung up on me.

Now my question bit - all previously has been done via phone calls. I want to write a letter explaining why I am saying no, and advising her that as this is the 3rd time I don't want anything further to do with her.

My dh says I'm being unreasonable on all counts (not the sharing of information part) but that I shouldn't send letter, and that I shouldn't cut her out of our lives 'as she is your mother'.

AIBU and any advice how to get it through to the woman?

OP posts:
FreudianSlipOnACrown · 05/05/2011 19:09

Can't really comment without knowing who the 'people' are to whom your mother gave details.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 05/05/2011 19:10

Not enough facts given in the OP to help make a judegemnet, sorry.

Original poster
reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:10

They are my dd's biological family, from whom we have court documents stating that they should be informed of no information/wereabouts/new name etc.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 05/05/2011 19:11

You definitely need to give more information to get some helpful replies. Ideally, you need to give some clue as to who the people are she is releasing information to and why she is doing it/why you don't want her to do it.

TidyDancer · 05/05/2011 19:11

Ah, x-posts.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 05/05/2011 19:12

How on earth is your mother in contact with these people?

TidyDancer · 05/05/2011 19:12

So what you're saying is that your mother is in contact with the birth family and they are asking about your DD, despite being told they mustn't? What's her reasoning for doing it?

Needanewname · 05/05/2011 19:13

My initial reaction is YANBU but without the facts really unsure.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 05/05/2011 19:13

oh boy!!! I think that's a call for you only, tbh. I think you need legal advice, rather than a "MN what we think" type response. WHy was your dd removed? Sexual abuse?? You need to be a little bit careful here, I think... And your mother could probably do with a letter from a lawyer, explaining why she shouldn't be giving out this kind of information.
Again - unless MNers know the full story, how could one give an opinion? ANd not sure you should be divulging any more info.

Sounds very stressful, i'm very sorry for your dilemma, I really am. (hug)

Flisspaps · 05/05/2011 19:14

YADNBU!

I would consider having a solicitor write her a letter actually - it's not like she's telling the neighbour a few nice stories about your DD, she's compromising her safety and going against the instruction of the court.

Just because she is your mother, does not give her the right to repeatedly risk your daughter's safety.

Eglu · 05/05/2011 19:15

YANBU. Just because she is your Mother does not mean you can't cut her out of your life.

If she is willing to compromise your DDs safety then she can't be allowed to know too much or be allowed too much contact.

ChippingIn · 05/05/2011 19:15

I presume you mean the court documents say they should not have your DD's details?

I presume that your DD would be 'at risk' if they were to know who/where she is?

If that's the case I would get your Mum, DH, Sis, Mum's partner (any other relevant body) together - show them the documents and tell you mother, in front of them all, very firmly that if she does she will NOT see you nor your DD again. End of.

helenthemadex · 05/05/2011 19:16

Its hard to say really without knowing details, but to me the important details are that you feel your daughters safety has been comprimised, and that is not acceptable.

You have a right to be furious to but I think cutting her out is quite a huge thing to do, I would write her the letter as yhou have said explaining why you are saying no and say that if it happens again you will have nothing further to do. Something in writing is harder to ignore than a conversation over the phone.

loads of luck

bittersweetvictory · 05/05/2011 19:16

I would get a lawyer to your mother to write to your mother.

Flounder · 05/05/2011 19:16

I think that a solicitors letter would probably have more impact and depersonalise the issue- so she sees it's a court direction and not just you being difficult IYSWIM.
If she continues to challenge you on this then tell her you will need to cut all contact to protect your DD's interest and safety (and do it)

Besom · 05/05/2011 19:17

I agree with people who have said don't divulge anything more on here - get some professional advice from solicitor or social work/adoption agency perhaps? If she is likely to put your dd at risk in some significant way then this is what you should do.

bittersweetvictory · 05/05/2011 19:18

oops meant to say, i would get a lawyer to write a letter to your mother.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/05/2011 19:18

Why do you need to write a letter? You can, of course, but why would you? Also, if your Mum is not releasing the details, albeit she's unwilling to comply with your request, she's doing what you've asked.

She's your children's grandmother.

helenthemadex · 05/05/2011 19:18

ok sorry slow typing and loads of crossed posts, but I do still think a final warning letter

BertieBasset · 05/05/2011 19:18

Why is she still in contact with these people??

Needanewname · 05/05/2011 19:18

Actually agree with Lost and Besom

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 05/05/2011 19:19

I agree with the other posters. A cease and desist letter would be the most effective thing.

Original poster
reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:20

Thank you for all comments - reason for vague post was that I was didn't want to divulge us, but really wanted the responses that I have here to help my argument with dh.

Thank you so much, hopefully he'll agree to a solicitor's letter, but minimum me putting it in writing.

OP posts:
Original poster
reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:22

LyingWitch because I feel like she is being a timebomb liability, she says that she won't divulge without my position, but keeps putting so much pressure on me, that I find it very stressful and hate to keep arguing with her, and she's got it like a blackmail thing, that when I don't agree with her over something else she says she'll inform them.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 05/05/2011 19:22

I agree that she is being very unreasonable BUT, what kind of pressure are these people putting her under?

Is she perhaps frightened for herself? Is she thinking that there may be threats made to her (or have they already been made) if they dont get the information they want?

It isnt ok for her to put your dd's safety after her own, but it would make her behaviour more understandable. I would be looking into it further before deciding what to do tbh, as it really doesnt sound cut and dried.