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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU as my dh says I am

53 replies

reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:07

In January my mother compromised my dd's saftey by releasing details to people she shouldn't have. I informed school, went balistic told her I wasn't happy, and if she did it again I would not have anything more to do with her.

In March the people contacted her again she was putting a lot of pressure on me, to relase information I said no very forcefully, and again reiterated she would be out of my life.

My dad who separated from my mum 20 years ago and has not spoken to her in those 20 years, was so angry at her stupidty, he asked for her number and phoned her up, and told her that what she was suggesting was idiotic. My sister phoned her and said she was being idiotic, even my mother's own husband (who i don't get on with normally) told her she was being idiotic.

We all hoped she'd get the message with noone thinking it was a good idea.

Roll forward to today, she called me to say they have been in contact again and that I am being unreasonable not to give what they request. I was at work and therefore was calmly forceful, she told me I was being unreasonable and hung up on me.

Now my question bit - all previously has been done via phone calls. I want to write a letter explaining why I am saying no, and advising her that as this is the 3rd time I don't want anything further to do with her.

My dh says I'm being unreasonable on all counts (not the sharing of information part) but that I shouldn't send letter, and that I shouldn't cut her out of our lives 'as she is your mother'.

AIBU and any advice how to get it through to the woman?

OP posts:

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 05/05/2011 19:23

"She's your children's grandmother."

What sort of grandmother is willing to put her grandchild's life at risk.

YANBU I'd go with the solicitor's letter first though.

FakePlasticTrees · 05/05/2011 19:23

Get a solicitor to write a letter.

However, you've got another problem, your DH not agreeing with you/not accepting the seriousness of this -does he a) think she won't actually do it or b) does he not think it's a big deal or c) is it that he sees the grandparent/grandchild relationship as too important to end? I'd point out to him that a Grandmother who's prepared to endanger her DGD isn't a healthy person to have in your DGD's life - grandparent relationships shouldn't be maintained at all costs.

If it's that he doesn't think she'll actually do it, then make it clear you know your mother better than he does.

And if it's that he doesn't think it would be a problem if she told the birth family, then you've got a bigger problem than your mum and you need to make sure your DH understands the ramifications of the birth family finding out.

hairylights · 05/05/2011 19:24

You don't have to answer to your mother.

You don't need to write a letter.

You don't need to have the conversation with her again.

You make the decisions on your DC safety - not her.

Snuppeline · 05/05/2011 19:24

Oh gosh I'm afraid I agree with those who say you are NBU in the slightest! It sounds like your mother is putting your dd and your life at risk (why would you otherwise go to steps like court order, new name, move etc, if you/your dd aren't in danger). In your shoes I would think that I couldn't trust my mom not to disclose details and I would be seriously considering cutting contact with her. If you feel like staying in touch with her (not just because she's your mother but because she gives you/your dd something positive) then I would take the others advise and get a solicitor to write a letter to her. Another option (and cheaper!!) would be to get in touch with your local police department and ask them to tell your mom that she's not to give out details to these people. They needen't menace her or anything (but they wont cost you anything either!). She's being well out of order in any case.

Original poster

reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:26

FPT C with A most definitely not B

OP posts:

FakePlasticTrees · 05/05/2011 19:28

she's got it like a blackmail thing, that when I don't agree with her over something else she says she'll inform them.

This has major alarm bells ringing - how can a mother do this to her child? If she threatens it again, cut her out. Make sure the rest of the family know. She needs to realise this isn't a thing she can throw around to get her own way.

Clytaemnestra · 05/05/2011 19:30

If you've had to go through an entire change of identity for your DD and the court have supported this, then it must have been something extremely serious which happened.

Your mother either doesn't believe that the thing which happened is actually that bad, or that "blood" trumps all other considerations, and as they're your DD's "blood" they have a right to know. So she doesn't accept the reasons that your DD had to be removed from your birth parents and doesn't accept that you are now your DD's mother. Even without the releasing of information, that is incredibly serious for your relationship.

If you cut her out totally, would she release all the information out of spite/a total change of loyalties? Would you need to move etc?

GypsyMoth · 05/05/2011 19:32

what are the court documents?

Original poster

reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:34

Clytaemnestra dh has just read the thread and he said that one had crossed his mind, and he was thinking along the lines 'keep enemies close', I hadn't even thought of this, and dh said he didn't mention it as didn't want to presume something, and make me worry even more.

OP posts:

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 05/05/2011 19:34

YADNBU
I think if she's using the information she has against you at other times - you said like blackmail, I would definitely opt for a solicitors letter.

She does not think the information she has access to is significantor that much of an issue or she is a manipulative bitch (your call I don't know what her take on it is), she NEEDS to understand just how seriously the courts take this issue.

Good luck I think you wll need it

takethisonehereforastart · 05/05/2011 19:34

YANBU.

She has no right to blackmail you. She clearly understands just how important it is to keep your daughter's information a secret from these people if that's the thing she has chosen to use against you when she wants to blackmail you into doing things her way.

Until I read that I was thinking that a solicitors letter to her was a bit heavy handed but now I think it's the right thing to do. She needs to know that threatening you in this way is wrong, that it could have a serious impact on your daughters life and on the lives of you and your DH as her parents and even the wider family. And she needs to understand that divulging any information is breaching a court order and could (should) put her at risk of prosecution.

How is she still in contact with the other people?

ENormaSnob · 05/05/2011 19:36

She blackmails you using your childs safety as a threat?

Cut the fucker off.

Becaroooo · 05/05/2011 19:38

Get legal advice asap.

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 05/05/2011 19:42

Wow YANBU that is a serious breach of trust but how the fuck did she manage to give them this information? And WHY? does she think SS (or whoever) have made a mistake taking the DD away?

Or are they somehow pestering/bullying her for info?

Original poster

reachingbreakingpoint · 05/05/2011 19:44

I'm not being rude there have been some good questions asked, but I can't think how to respond to them, whilst keeping dd safe.

OP posts:

jenny60 · 05/05/2011 19:46

YANBU. Her behaviour is shocking and I would cut her off if it was going to jeopardise the safety of your daughter. Could SS expain the seriousness of her actions to her?

ChippingIn · 05/05/2011 19:50

Don't reply to anything that will risk her in any way.

Frankly I think you need a solicitor - not MN :(

I would cut her off simply for blackmailing me, with a VERY heavy handed solicitors letter!

Have you posted before under another name? (if not there's someone else in a similar position but they haven't posted in a long time).

itsabiggywhatdoidonow · 05/05/2011 19:58

you will get very sound advice in adoption section

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 05/05/2011 20:06

Reaching, I really wouldn't go much further down this line, for no other reason than that I don't know what MNers on here could meaningfully advise without you disclosing too much - as I said, I do think you need professional advice at this stage.

I do think that at some point, a convo about how her behaviour has added to your stress might be in order... although not sure it'll have any point, going on your OP!

Hope either adoption section or the 'law' can help you!!

DartsRus · 05/05/2011 20:36

I am curious as to how these people got in touch with your mum in the first place. Was it initiated by her? Or did these people track her down? If the second, then I think the police should be informed.

takethisonehereforastart · 05/05/2011 20:38

Oh that's right, I didn't think you might be giving away something you shouldn't by answering that. Sorry, no, that's not rude at all.

Clytaemnestra · 05/05/2011 22:24

Don't give anything away - and once you have all the info you need from this thread I would ask mumsnet to delete it/move it to OTBT.

I think keeping your enemies close is all well and good, but it's a short term strategy. Because once your mum realises that you didn't mean your ultimatum about cutting her off, she may well pass the info anyway, she clearly believes its the "right" thing to do and what's she got to lose?

I don't know what I can advise - but if you are planning to cut her off, and you believe that will necessitate a move or any other identity change DO NOT let her know anything is changing until the day you go, keep her as close until then at least. Only you can assess if you genuinely trust her to look after your and your DD's best interests, and if you can't while you're friendly then you certainly can't once you're estranged, and if it is a bullet you need to bite, maybe it should happen sooner or later while you're still in control.

Fab123 · 05/05/2011 22:43

Definitely one for authorities not MN. How very stupid of her not to see what a terrible position this puts you in. I assume you have explained all to her fully and she is just being (for want of a better word) difficult? If she isn't in possession of all the facts then that might explain why she is so blazee about it all. If she knows all about it then I'd agree you'll have to cut her off. She really didn't think this one through and will have to pay the consequences of endangering you all.

Birdsgottafly · 06/05/2011 00:51

If it is a SS situation and they feel that your DM no longer has the ability to safeguard your DD, even because of a lack of understanding of the danger, then they will insist that she has no contact with your DD.

Likewise if you were to inform the police they would have to consider that her possible behaviour would put your DD at risk and inform SS, so that they contact your DM.

I would go with the solisitors letter as well as possibly putting her at a distance. Some people are unable to process the seriousness and the risk of a situation and there is this thing about 'blood being thicker than water', especially with the older generation, were it was varely heard of to cut family members out of their lives.

You should not hesitate to cut contact if she is blackmailing you, though.

caramelwaffle · 06/05/2011 01:02

Get this moved to O T B T section.

and no - yanbu.

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