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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think going it alone isn't a bad decision?

61 replies

JazzAnnNonMouse · 05/05/2011 18:14

My dearest best friend is having a dillema at the moment and I don't think me being pregnant is helping!
When she was younger she had a terrible battle with Cancer and is thankfully fully recovered. 8 years later she's been discharged from hospital BUT they've told her that her chances of concieving are very unlikely because of the chemotherapy.
She's desperate for children and has been told that her chances of concieving will be better the younger she is. The problem is that she doesn't have a stable partner and no one to actually concieve with (unless she went sperm donor or random stranger route...)
I'm trying to let her see that things aren't all doom and gloom forever for her and that there are options available. She seems quite stuck on finding the right man first being her only option available which obviously is the ideal for her but if she wants children so badly (and she really does!) is the ideal the only thing she should be looking for?
your thoughts on her going alone which she's contemplating/any other option would be greatly appreciated
(she can't freeze eggs for later use - can before chemo but not after apparently)

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 05/05/2011 18:16

I feel for your friend, but there is no guarantee that she is going to get pregnant, she could meet someone and be happy for a few years before they consider trying and it might never happen.

Alternatively she could sleep with random strangers for two years and it never happen.

Im not sure of the oods but surely she is better of doing what is going to make her happy, as opposed to anything else.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 05/05/2011 18:21

having a man would make her happy
having children would make her happier...
having a man and children would make her happiest...

OP posts:
bubblecoral · 05/05/2011 18:29

I think your friend is right and that it would be much much better for her to find a man first. I feel for her though, what an awful situation to be in Sad

I know infertility can be devastating, but ultimately it's not about the Mother it's about the child. In my opinion, it would be wrong to bring a child into the world knowing that it has no chance of having a Father just to satisfy your own needs.

Possibly an unpopular opinion, but that's just what I think.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 05/05/2011 18:47

there isn't no chance of having a father though - just not a biological one?

OP posts:
northerngirl41 · 05/05/2011 19:16

I had a friend who was hearing her biological clock ticking so loudly that she decided to go down the sperm donor route. It was actually quite sudden and she didn't think much about it before becoming pregnant... Two years on and she admitted that it wasn't children she really wanted, it was the whole package - husband/baby/family. Since she'd bypassed a bit of it, she didn't much like being a mum either, it all felt much harder than if she'd met the right guy and done it the traditional way and she now feels it's that much harder to find someone since she has to arrange babysitters and find someone who doesn't run for the hills when she mentions she has a child.

I guess it depends a bit on what your friend actually wants - if it truly is just the kids, then go for it! But I suspect it's the whole thing... And there's no "husband bank"!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/05/2011 19:22

Agrees with Bubblecoral, it's a sad situation but to just have a child because time's running out is really selfish. :(

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 05/05/2011 19:29

she's not having a child because time is running out...
she does actually want one lol

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 05/05/2011 19:32

I think she should do it!

OR, get herself signed up for some online dating or something and really get herself "out there" for 6 months or a year and see what happens. If she meets Mr Right then great
if not, then look into the donor route.

I have a friend who is gay and she went down the sperm donor route (she didn't have a partner at the time either, she just really wanted a baby) and it has been so successful. her little boy is 5 now and she is thinking of doing it again.

it's all well and good saying "meet a man first" but she could just as easily do that and then he leaves/she leaves/it all goes tits up and she would end up on her own anyway.
so if it's something she REALLY wants then I think she should do it

CareyFakes · 05/05/2011 19:46

To knowingly concieve without the involvement emotionally or financially of the father is selfish.

I am a lone parent, I haven't seen DD's father since the night he got me pregnant and I told him 5 weeks later. The guilt I live with for bringing my baby into the world without a father figure is hard. He has no involvement, has no plans to be involved and has walked past her in the street, and looked her in the eye, still not a glimmer of a shit.

I just feel passionate about the whole 'father' issue, I was selfish in my decision to continue the unplanned pregnancy, best bloody decision I ever made, gorgeous wonderful child that I have, but the guilt I feel, I wouldn't wish it on people.

I can't empathise fully with your friend, it must be a horrible situation, but it would be selfish.

YusMilady · 05/05/2011 19:55

'Having a man would make her happy'

Send her to the relationships thread.

[flippant]

YusMilady · 05/05/2011 19:55

thread, topic, whatevs.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 05/05/2011 20:01

why yusmilady ?

OP posts:
Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 06/05/2011 09:23

btw I didn't mean having just any man would make her happy - having a relationship and love would...

OP posts:
Ishani · 06/05/2011 09:32

It is a bad decision, she's been sick once she has a higher chance of leaving the child alone in the world than most I would imagine.

razzlebathbone · 06/05/2011 09:36

"In my opinion, it would be wrong to bring a child into the world knowing that it has no chance of having a Father just to satisfy your own needs."

I agree with this.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 06/05/2011 09:59

she's been discharged from hospital, no more or less likely to be sick than you or I.

There isn't no chance of the child having a father figure - just perhaps not the biological one being in the picture - is that really so bad?
I think it takes a lot more than sperm to be a father...

OP posts:
anastaisia · 06/05/2011 10:02

I don't think there's an issue with making an informed choice to go it alone.

But it is an issue if she actually wants the whole package - that's different.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 06/05/2011 10:13

so basically - in an absolutely ideal world she would have no fertility worries and would be able to settle down and have children with no time constraints.

Because of her news that she's basically infertile in the next few years it's made her either want to hurry up and find someone and settle quickly in order to get the children or just go ahead with it herself.

OP posts:
anastaisia · 06/05/2011 10:33

But it doesn't sound as though she's keen on going the donor route?

And I think you probably have to be quite certain that it's what you want if you're going to do it.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 06/05/2011 10:36

well she would rather have a relationship and children but if she can't find the realtionship she doesn't want to miss out on the children

OP posts:
gawdblimey · 06/05/2011 10:45

how many threads do we read where women rush into having babies - the dad turns out to be unsuitable and then they are stuck with a dickhead for the next 18 years at least, with him having quite a say in how they run their lives to a degree

Chil1234 · 06/05/2011 11:05

I have a child and have had no 'relationship' to go with it from birth. Long story. (It isn't 'selfish' to do so - whoever made that silly comment.) All I'd say is for her to go into it with eyes wide open - no romantic 'love is all you need' crap. Puppies are not just for Christmas and neither are children, as it were. It's hard work, can be extremely lonely, you have to be mother and father to your child, you need a good support network (or have a lot of cash to pay for support) and you have to be very strong both physically and mentally and also very sure of your own judgement. On the plus side, if your child has only ever had one parent, they don't miss having the other one and quickly find other adults to whom they forge a bond. Sole responsibility is very challenging but also very rewarding. There are no 'conflicting parenting' problems. The relationship with your child is likely to be extremely close.

Birdsgottafly · 06/05/2011 11:18

It sounds as though she has an ideal picture in her head of what would make her happy. What she wants is what most of us want but it just does not turn out like that. She needs to write down and explore different senarios to discover what it is she really wants out of 'the perfect family'. I am widowed, so 'go it alone' through no choice of my own, it has been tough at times especially while going through the grieving stage.

I also was ill and if it was not for my DM my children would have had to go into foster care, so there is alot to think about. Also i have friends who's children have never had a father figure and they do wonder why that choice was made for them.

I would recommed counselling.

Original poster
JazzAnnNonMouse · 06/05/2011 11:28

I just want her to be happy!

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 06/05/2011 11:33

going it alone is hard but doable, if she is finacially and emotionable stable with a good support network of family and friends then i think she should go for it, singleparenthood can be lonely sometimes but also very rewarding

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