to think going it alone isn't a bad decision?

[JazzAnnNonMouse]

My dearest best friend is having a dillema at the moment and I don't think me being pregnant is helping!
When she was younger she had a terrible battle with Cancer and is thankfully fully recovered. 8 years later she's been discharged from hospital BUT they've told her that her chances of concieving are very unlikely because of the chemotherapy.
She's desperate for children and has been told that her chances of concieving will be better the younger she is. The problem is that she doesn't have a stable partner and no one to actually concieve with (unless she went sperm donor or random stranger route...)
I'm trying to let her see that things aren't all doom and gloom forever for her and that there are options available. She seems quite stuck on finding the right man first being her only option available which obviously is the ideal for her but if she wants children so badly (and she really does!) is the ideal the only thing she should be looking for?
your thoughts on her going alone which she's contemplating/any other option would be greatly appreciated
(she can't freeze eggs for later use - can before chemo but not after apparently)

If you want her to be happy support whatever it is she decides to do. You can't make the decisions for her and I don't think you should try to persuade her out of a particular course of action, just because you have reservations. Sometimes, being a good friend means letting people follow their dreams even if you suspect they might make a few mistakes along the way. Life (and she will be aware of this more than most) is not a rehearsal

I'm not in anyway trying to persuade her in or out of a particular course of action - never said that!

Wanted opinions on people who have been there and done it alone to see whether it was a viable option for her...

She needs to decide if she is fully aware of what being a single parent means if there is not even an another person that can care for a DC. Untill you are doing it you cannot realise what giving 24/7 actually means. Her life would revolve around another persons needs. Until the child is born she does not know what those needs may be, SN etc. It is different if she has family who would help and what help they would be offering.

I managed fine emotionally, struggled financially but that didn't bother me. The difficult part has now started, my middle DC is a very difficult teen and has decided that everything that goes wrong is my DP's fault. I am constantly piggy in the middle. But i have never regretted having all 3 of my DC's even though widowed when they were young and two with SN's.

she has great family support

Can she discuss shis with them. How would they feel in the future if she met someone? Are they the type of people who put 'conditions' on any help/support given?

If not, if she does really want a child then perhaps she should not over-think the pros and cons, no-one knows what life will throw at them. She already knows this with having to fight cancer. I had fertility issues between my first and second and would have not been as happy without more children.

If she could, i would still recomend counselling, to have an impartial, trained ear.

Happiness is not to be found in 'having' other people. YOu have to grow your own.
Having said that, there is nothing wrong with being a single parent - having no father is better for a child than having a shit father, and sometimes women who are desperate for a baby but have swalloed the propaganda that Having A Man is vital put up with all sorts of crap from horrible men when they would have been b etter off with a sperm donor. Though I would say that anyone who chooses to have a child (whether or not they have a partner) should be in a reasonably comfortable position and have good friends and/or some close family; the more loving and involved adults there are in a child's life the better.

I think that she should find a man before having a child. This will be easier on her and the child in the future.

However, I definitely agree with thisisyesterday

You have also got to realise that it would not just be the father the child would not have. They would be missing a whole half of a family. Having said that, sometimes that is a blessing.

"... see whether it was a viable option for her..."

'Viable' is a judgement only she can make. When it comes to children and family structures, some people make things work that don't look anything like sensible on paper. People are very quick to assume that particular structures will damage children... and yet more 'normal' structures are perfectly capable of doing that. There's the fear that someone won't cope with motherhood but there's no guarantee that they would cope better in a couple... indeed, trying to please a partner and manage a baby seems problematic for many. So I'd stop thinking in terms of 'viable'. She'd be wise to make some practical judgements but even that's not strictly necessary. Children 'happen' to a lot of people and they simply get on with it.

I've never met my biological father and know pretty much nothing about him. My mother got pregnant accidentally and was incredibly reticent about the whole thing. She has now passed away, so I'll never know more. I did/do miss having a father and struggle with knowing nothing about one side of my family, especially now that I'm pregnant myself. Personally I don't think its fair to intentionally put a child into that situation. There's also the wider social issue. If we as a society want men to take fatherhood seriously and parent equally with women, is it healthy to let some 'fathers' reduce it to wanking into a cup and then fucking off?

PS It does strike me reading back over this that we're sending men incredibly mixed messages. On the one hand we're telling them that they're very important and asking them to parent equally with mothers and to take fatherhood just as seriously as every other aspect of their lives. On the other hand we're saying that they're not that important at all and that children with single mothers don't miss out on anything irreplaceable really blah de blah.

It's only a mixed message because both are true. Traditional couples can mess up or make a success of parenting just as much as singletons. Children can have a good or bad experience of childhood, regardless of the structure of their family. To say there is only one ideal format for producing children and everything else isinferior is unsafe. The issue here is whether a woman is reasonable to go it alone and embark on motherhood having not gone through the traditional route of settling down with a partner first. And of course it's reasonable.

"It's only a mixed message because both are true"

Erm, no. There is a contradiction. You are basically saying that fathers are expendable provided the mother is solvent and competent (which most women are). I'm not sure how that doesn't devalue fatherhood.

"To say there is only one ideal format for producing children and everything else isinferior is unsafe"

What I'm actually saying is that model x works better on average than other models....of course there's plenty of variation within the average. The fact that this opinion is unfashionable doesn't necessarily make it untrue...

it's not a contradiction to say that children need at least 1, preferably more than 1, competent caregiver. It doesn't have to be the biological mother or father really.

I'd say that fatherhood (and motherhood) don't have intrinsic value to be devalued by people choosing to raise children without someone specifically in that role - good 'parenting' does have huge value though, whoever provides it.

(As an aside, there was research that children with lesbian parents actually do better than their peers academically, emotionally and socially. So perhaps model x isn't the best either!)

I am not saying fathers are expendable at all. I'm saying that there are good & bad fathers/mothers/relationships/family structures/childhood experiences. Noone has any idea where they are on that continuum until they actually do it. I see MN-ers all the time struggling and battling to rear children in the face of irresponsibility, laziness and contrary parenting styles from their husbands and partners. I see others with husbands and partners who are supportive, responsible and doing a great job. It's already a contradiction. It may well be that on average children do better in homes where there is a mother and a father but no-one (to go back to the OP's subject) should be put off going for a different type of family structure purely on the basis of averages.

Didn't the hospital suggest that she could freeze embryos with a sperm donor, in case the cancer treatment left her infertile? Personally I do think hospitals should suggest this for single people.

Would your friend consider freezing embryos with a sperm donor as a "backup" for future use in case she doesn't have viable eggs left when she eventually meets the right partner?

The fact that she has been discharged from hospital surely doesn't mean that she has the same odds of cancer as anyone else - anyone who has had cancer has higher odds of recurrence.

I don't think this is a reason for her to put her life on hold - the opposite, in fact - but being a lone parent is very, very hard. I came from a single parent family (divorce) and I am in awe of how my mother managed, but she didn't even have to do the baby years alone. I was with ds last night while dh was out and the thought struck me how hard it must be with young children alone.

If she really, really wanted it and went into it with her eyes open, maybe, but she doesn't sound ready for that momentous decision just yet.

Mercury - no they didn't :( she wishes she'd been given the option but I think she was only 11/12 when the cancer first became diagnosed.

I don't know much about cancer tbh but the hospital told her she was completely clear and could live a normal life just like everyone else (she's been clear for the last few years but they keep checking just to make sure)

I don't think she's ready for this decision yet but as she put it her 10 year plan is now becoming her 5 year plan.

apparently they can't freeze eggs after chemo? If this is wrong please let me know so I can tell her!

If your friend still has viable eggs after chemo then I don't see why they couldn't be frozen, but I may be wrong. However I know egg freezing in general is still not very successful, whereas frozen embryos have a reasonable chance of success.

You could try the Fertility Friends message boards - hope I am allowed to post this link www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/

I think that they won't do this as she's been told it's very unlikely that she actually has many viable eggs ... can they tell which ones are viable and which ones aren't prior to freezing? It seems a bit pointless to freeze dead eggs :(

Jobrian: Your opinion is not just unfashionable but wrong. There is no evidence at all for any superiority of the heteromonogamous model when everything else is equal.

Is she an MNer?

"the heteromonogamous model"

nope!

No I don't think she should do it alone. A very dear friend of mine developed cancer of the uterus; she was married quite newly, and she and her dh decided to have some eggs frozen just in case. Dear friend was confirmed totally well and in remission and a surrogate was found and a wonderful son was born. When he was one year old the cancer came back and after a six year fight a little boy was left without a mummy. Thank goodness he has a daddy.