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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another party invite thread...

75 replies

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:45

Jumping on the band wagon of the other thread...

I am an only child, my dh has one brother. We have a dd (almost 4yo) and a ds (17mo). They have a ds (6yo) and a dd (5yo). So not exactly a massive family in terms of cousins etc, but dh's family live 1.25 hours away from us. We see each other when we go up there, and for special occasions, but I wouldn't say we were all particularly close. My dc and their dc absolutely adore each other, though, and get on like a house on fire.

I am quite an oversensitive, confrontational type of person Grin but I was just wondering what your views are on this.

My niece turned 5yo last weekend, and MIL was at my house the weekend before. She said, 'We'll see you next weekend anyway, for dniece's party.' I said, 'Actually, we haven't been invited.' Poor MIL drained of colour and mumbled something about it, 'probably being a school thing.'

I know I am probably BU, but I am furious that dd wasn't invited. I can understand them not inviting ds, but I really think it's shocking that dd wasn't invited.

Dh and his family are more of a 'bottle up your feelings' type of family, and he hasn't said anything to his brother. I think he should. Infact if he doesn't, I will.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 04/05/2011 15:47

if you live an hour and a half away, then yabu in expecting your 4yo to be invited to a kids party really...

very silly to cause a family rift over something so trivial

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:47

I would add that this is the first party that they have held for their dc that she hasn't been invited to.

OP posts:
stoppinchingthedummy · 04/05/2011 15:47

No i dont think yabu at all - i would ask them why dd has not been invited ,or if you dont want to ask outright i would mention dneices birthday coming up and ask what their plans are :D

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:48

squeakytoy - yes, my head agrees with you nods but my heart feels that she was excluded, y'see.

OP posts:
Insomnia11 · 04/05/2011 15:50

They may just have invited school friends to make it easy. DD1 is having a joint party with another classmate this year and they will probably just invite the whole class (25) but not any family members or other children of friends who we've had previous years.

Plus it's DH's 40th two weeks later and they will probably all come to that party anyway.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2011 15:51

Is there any possibility that it's an oversight or that they intended you'd be going anyway? We don't get invitations to niece's or nephew's birthday, we just go.

Just telephone and ask, that's not confrontational. Ask what's happening for niece's birthday, your DD is excited and can you bring anything?

I did smile at your very precise 1.25 hours though... Grin

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/05/2011 15:52

which is only one and a quarter hours, isn't it? Not that far?

stabiliser15 · 04/05/2011 15:53

Is it possible that they thought it would put you in a difficult situation if she was invited due to the distance/cost of attending?

Agree with stoppinchingthedummy in terms of how you would deal with it, i.e. ask what the plans are for dniece's birthday.

ExitPursuedByALamb · 04/05/2011 15:53

Is your neice at school. I imagine they have just invited school friends if so.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:54

One and a quarter hours, yes. I was just too goddamned lazy to type it. They go to a little tiny school, which I think has about 40 kids in it. Surely there was space for one! I would never, ever, exclude her dc from anything.

Dh doesn't want me to ring. He doesn't want me to say anything. But I just have to. No, not an oversight, we've always received invitations, she makes them herself.

It was last weekend.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 04/05/2011 15:56

If it's a party for school friends then YABU I don't invite family members children to ds's parties and now he is older (6) we generally don't invite friend's children who he doesn't go to school with if they aren't the same age.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:57

Connor - I'm pretty sure that would be my SIL's view also.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 04/05/2011 16:02

she probably didnt invite your dd as it is a long car ride away...would you really have taken your dd and not the rest of your family? also if it is a school friends party your dd may have felt left out not knowing anyone else as your niece may have not wanted to have to keep her company all day

ConnorTraceptive · 04/05/2011 16:03

If it helps I don't mean it as anything personal and I'm not deliberately excluding others I just see parties now as something ds does with his classmates and if we do see relatives for his birthday it is seperate to his actual party IYSWIM.

Cost is also a factor if i invite lots of cousins then it impacts on how many of ds's friends he can invite which seems unfair to him

I guess if lots of other family members are there then I could see how you feel excluded though

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:03

Some good points, fred.

OP posts:
marialuisa · 04/05/2011 16:05

IME beyond toddlerhood school friends and other friends/relatives don't mix at parties very well. Birthday child wants to run around with school friends (who all know each other) whereas other friends only know birthday child and tend to get upset if they don't get to sit next to them or whatever.

GrungeBlobPrimpants · 04/05/2011 16:05

It's almost certainly because your neice is now at school - at that age all they want to do is be with their classmates/class group and it can be tricky sometimes socially for 'extras' - nursery friends, cousins etc. And the travel distance sounds too long.

In our family pre-school age we've all done family teas with cousins, but once at school then it's been class only. I'm really sure no offence was intended?

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 04/05/2011 16:05

So you wanted your 3 year old invited to her cousin's party. Her 5th birthday party, when she's started school, and most children will have whole class parties.

If I was having 40 5 year olds in the house I wouldn't want an 17 month old and a 3 year old to deal with as well. And it's not as if you could just drop your DD off and leave - she's only 3 and it's a 75 minute drive.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:07

Excellent. I tell you what I'm going to do. I am going to ring up and withdraw their invitations to my dd's party on the 14th. So that I can invite an extra two of her nursery friends.

smacks self I didn't realise the etiquette. Now I know it, they can bugger off.

OP posts:
ConnorTraceptive · 04/05/2011 16:08

i think prior to school you scrape together any child available to make up a party and once they are at school you spend weeks agonising about how to send out limited invites without offending someone and generally avoiding eye contact with the mums of those who aren't invited! Tis a minefield.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:09

Even - my dd is 4 next week. And yes, I do think she should have been invited, I said in the OP that I completely understand why ds probably wasn't. We go up to MIL all the time, and have never missed one of their parties, so any assumption that we wouldn't go or would find it difficult, doesn't apply.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:10

Connor - my dd has been at the same nursery since she was a baby, so we weren't scraping together invites for her party, it never occurred to me to leave my niece and nephew out. They were a given, as far as I was concerned.

OP posts:
HellNoSayItAintSo · 04/05/2011 16:11

I don't get the problem. My 3 dc have 3 cousins, we see them a fair bit, they get on great, we get on well with their parents. They didn't invite us to their kids last parties and we didn't invite them to ours. Our kids wouldn't know any of their neighbourhood or school friends, and vice versa.

Your children aren't even the same age as theirs. I don't see why they should invite you, really. And I really don't understand you being furious about it.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:13

Hell - perhaps I have too much time on my hands. Perhaps it's because I don't have any brothers or sisters and I am being a little precious about it. Or perhaps it's because I bloody well used up two invites for dd's party on them. Invites that could have been given to children at nursery.

Ah well, I'll know better next time.

OP posts:
underyourhat · 04/05/2011 16:14

Dd is nearly 4 and has a cousin the same age as her and she isn't always invited to her party. It depends on their plans and size of party. It doesn't bother me. Just cos your family doesnt mean u should be invited.