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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another party invite thread...

75 replies

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:45

Jumping on the band wagon of the other thread...

I am an only child, my dh has one brother. We have a dd (almost 4yo) and a ds (17mo). They have a ds (6yo) and a dd (5yo). So not exactly a massive family in terms of cousins etc, but dh's family live 1.25 hours away from us. We see each other when we go up there, and for special occasions, but I wouldn't say we were all particularly close. My dc and their dc absolutely adore each other, though, and get on like a house on fire.

I am quite an oversensitive, confrontational type of person Grin but I was just wondering what your views are on this.

My niece turned 5yo last weekend, and MIL was at my house the weekend before. She said, 'We'll see you next weekend anyway, for dniece's party.' I said, 'Actually, we haven't been invited.' Poor MIL drained of colour and mumbled something about it, 'probably being a school thing.'

I know I am probably BU, but I am furious that dd wasn't invited. I can understand them not inviting ds, but I really think it's shocking that dd wasn't invited.

Dh and his family are more of a 'bottle up your feelings' type of family, and he hasn't said anything to his brother. I think he should. Infact if he doesn't, I will.

OP posts:
JanMorrow · 04/05/2011 16:14

I'd give them an "innocent" ring to ask what your neice would like for her birthday and if she was having a party and then go on to talk about your daughter's.. maybe the invite got.. lost in the post.. ehem.

Chrysanthemum5 · 04/05/2011 16:14

I think YABU, and you sound very confrontational! Your DN is 5, and starting school so why would she want her younger cousin at the party? It may have been at a venue where there was a limit on numbers - why should a school friend miss out just so your dd can go?

I think if you make an issue out of this your SIL will be perfectly justified in thinking you are very, very odd and unreasonable.

ConnorTraceptive · 04/05/2011 16:14

your a prickly character aren't you Grin

manticlimactic · 04/05/2011 16:14

Didn't you think she may be having a party when you sent the birthday card and gift?

Jaspants · 04/05/2011 16:15

I can understand you being upset but they may have excluded your DC to prevent them being left out / little one knocked over by hyped up children etc.

My DCs are always invited to DNs party and vice versa - but they don't know anyone there so hang around looking bored and refusing to join in. Your SIL may have foreseen this and thought it best not to invite.

Groovee · 04/05/2011 16:15

I rarely invite cousins to parties. My own nieces and nephews are much older than my 2, and I have invited dh's nephew's to ds's parties as 1 is a similar age to him but don't invite the boys to dd's parties as I rarely have her own brother at her parties.

SIL took a huff one year and now I no longer speak to her as she regularly brought it up. It happened over 5 years ago and I was fed up of her constantly making comments to dd who couldn't see what the problem was as she had her friends there and her own brother wasn't there.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:16

Connor - not usually, I have been on MN five years and have no prickly form. It's a bit hot in my office today, maybe that's it.

OK, I have taken it all on board, and I won't say anything. I will not however, accept that I am odd.

OP posts:
SandStorm · 04/05/2011 16:17

But if it's for her school friends your DD will know nobody but her cousin and would probably have a miserable time. This is the reason my nieces no longer get an invite to our parties and vice versa unless it's a really small affair.

I'm afraid I think YABU and to withdraw an invite now would be incredibly petty.

Quenelle · 04/05/2011 16:17

Agree with others, it's probably a school friends only party. My goddaughter only had her school friends to her last party. Her cousins weren't invited and they're all very close in age.

Her other godmother thought we should all have been invited as friends of the family etc but it wasn't that sort of do. It would have been different if it was a family/friends thing.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:17

SandStorm - I wouldn't really withdraw their invites.

OP posts:
Insomnia11 · 04/05/2011 16:18

Nursery is a bit different from school. Hmm

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:19

Insomnia Hmm right back at you. How so?

OP posts:
gillybean2 · 04/05/2011 16:23

OP i'm with you that family should be invited. My ds is an only child and he has no other cousins of his own age apart from my sister's ds's.
However my sister is not of the same opinion and I found myself going out of my way to pick up her dc to ensure they came to ds's party and then not getting an invite in return.

She actually told me that they'd changed their mind about us coming to the zoo and wanted it to be 'family only'. Well sorry but I thought we were family!

I don't speak to my sister any more.

Journey · 04/05/2011 16:25

I think she will just have invited school friends to the party. Things change when they're at school. I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it.

You say you would understand if your DS wasn't invited. Well they're hardly going to invite your DD and not your DS since you don't live locally.

gillybean2 · 04/05/2011 16:26

It can't be a school friend only party if MIL is going. MIL was obviously expecting them to be there too. Hence why she mentioned it...

Insomnia11 · 04/05/2011 16:27

Well, for me, the mums didn't know each other so well at nursery and neither did the kids, also the age range was from 2 - 4 rather than them being within 6 months in age, and nursery was more informal, people swapping sessions all the time, or doing one session at one nursery and on at another across the road.

Whereas at school (at DD's school anyway) there are 25 of them who will probably be in the same class together for 6 years, the mums/parents all know each other quite well now and we go out for drinks every now and then...so at school I feel (esp now in year 1) that I should either invite the whole class or seriously limit the numbers - hence why we're doing a joint party to split the cost...And when they're little it doesn't matter to them so much if they don't know many kids there but when they are older they may not enjoy it for that reason.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:29

Journey - another fair point.

Insomnia - my dd is in a nursery class with others her own age, but I suppose the relationship between parents isn't particularly strong. I know about 5 of the other mums.

OP posts:
Journey · 04/05/2011 16:29

The MIL might be going to the party but she is hardly a guest in the same the kids are at the party. She'll probably be expected to help out!

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:31

Poor MIL. She was mortified.

OP posts:
HellNoSayItAintSo · 04/05/2011 16:33

It was a 5th birthday party. Your DD is 3. Wrong demographic.

MCos · 04/05/2011 16:33

I haven't invited cousins or neighbours since my DDs started school, and do class only parties instead. The kids from school all play together, and the other kids get left sidelined.

ShowOfHands · 04/05/2011 16:33

Tee hee.

Prickly, occasionally. Confrontational, absolutely. Odd? Nah.

I invite db's dc to dd's party every year. Every year they don't turn up. They never invite dd and they live 10 minutes away.

I assume I'm just a better person than them.

thumbwitch · 04/05/2011 16:33

Ha. I see why you are a bit miffed Wink but think YABa bit U as well, given that the DN is now school age. As others have said, once school classes are involved, it all changes.

My sister used to give large parties for her 3 DDs, that were all-encompassing - friends of the parents, friends of the family, family. When her oldest DD hit 5, she told us that she was changing the nature of the parties to small school-friends only parties - and that was fine.

Perhaps your SIL could have handled it better by explaining that to you - then you could have done the same, had you wanted to; but in reality she INBU in what she has done, sorry.

Original poster
Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:35

back at SOH.

OK, I am willing to accept the general consensus that everything changes once they go to school. I'm glad I found this out before September.

Thanks for the comments. I won't say a word

OP posts:
underyourhat · 04/05/2011 16:36

Pinkjenny I can understand why you might be upset.

DD is an only (not through choice) and my sister's children are her only cousins.

I like to encourage DD's relationship with her cousins in the absence of any siblings, or other family her age. My sister doesn't feel the same need though, as she has 3 children and they have lots of other cousins on my BILs side.

So I find that I invite DDs cousins to lots of trips out and parties, but it isn't reciprocated quite as much, which can feel hurtful.