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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another party invite thread...

75 replies

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 15:45

Jumping on the band wagon of the other thread...

I am an only child, my dh has one brother. We have a dd (almost 4yo) and a ds (17mo). They have a ds (6yo) and a dd (5yo). So not exactly a massive family in terms of cousins etc, but dh's family live 1.25 hours away from us. We see each other when we go up there, and for special occasions, but I wouldn't say we were all particularly close. My dc and their dc absolutely adore each other, though, and get on like a house on fire.

I am quite an oversensitive, confrontational type of person but I was just wondering what your views are on this.

My niece turned 5yo last weekend, and MIL was at my house the weekend before. She said, 'We'll see you next weekend anyway, for dniece's party.' I said, 'Actually, we haven't been invited.' Poor MIL drained of colour and mumbled something about it, 'probably being a school thing.'

I know I am probably BU, but I am furious that dd wasn't invited. I can understand them not inviting ds, but I really think it's shocking that dd wasn't invited.

Dh and his family are more of a 'bottle up your feelings' type of family, and he hasn't said anything to his brother. I think he should. Infact if he doesn't, I will.

OP posts:

ShowOfHands · 04/05/2011 16:37

Oh say something. Film it. There's bugger all on tv atm.

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:38

I did know when I started this thread that I was being a bit U, so I am glad that some can see my pov.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:39

SOH - dh would go ballistic. They're all so emotionally stunted in his family. He thinks my family are a bunch of freaks, also.

underyourhat - I do think my hypersensitivity is due to the only child thing in some respects.

OP posts:

Doha · 04/05/2011 16:40

Sorry l would not be putting up or shutting up, l would have to say something.
I have always included both my DS SIL and BIL kids to any of my DC's party respective of age.

Journey · 04/05/2011 16:41

Pinkjenny - I initially found it odd when my children weren't invited to their cousins' birthday parties. The cousins were older than my kids. (When the cousins started school this is when things changed). Now my children are at school I understand why it happens. It's just a case of kids inviting their school pals to their party. If you lived around the corner from them though I think it would have been nice if they had invited you DCs.

Don't let it spoil your relationship with your BIL's family. When your DD starts school you'll probably find you'll do the same as them. It's just the way things go.

underyourhat · 04/05/2011 16:42

Yes I have the same hypersensitivity about my DD. I'm one of four and I have hang ups about that too! You can't win...

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:43

Now I'm feeling the MN love. Disagreeing but supportive.

OP posts:

ExitPursuedByALamb · 04/05/2011 16:43

I get over this issue by having two parties. One for schoolfriends and then another 'family' party - just a birthday tea and another cake for relatives and home friends etc. We like to drag our birthdays out. Your SIL could have done something similar and invited you round for a birthday tea, no?

FingandJeffing · 04/05/2011 16:45

I guess it does feel mean to you. I can understand your SIL situation though. For my kids, even my very close parents were not invited to the 'friends' party. Mainly because there was not enough room in the house. I did have them and the ILs and other cousins and aunts etc.. on another day, but not to the friends party.

It is a social minefield though the last one I did I invited 17 children and prayed some couldn't make it, but they all did and a couple brought a younger sib and the mum stayed! My small house seemed tiny. Your family would have bought another 4 people, maybe she doesn't have the space? I do think it changes a bit when they go to school you feel much more pressure to invite a greater number of children which prob limits what else they can do. It would have been nice if she could have called though I think.

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 04/05/2011 16:46

I had this with my sister but to be fair, her DC are 4 years and 3 years older than mine so they were having small "do's" involving about 5 other kids.

I was annoyed but decided she had the right to keep it to school aone if that was what she wanted.

Still invite the cousins to your DDS and DS parties though.

zipzap · 04/05/2011 16:47

Could you not just nicely ask and confirm that you are not expected at the party as MIL seemed to think you were invited and you just wanted to check that messages/post hadn't been lost. If you assume you aren't going it won't be seen as grasping for an invite, but if she thought you had been invited and you don't go that too could cause offence.

My sis and I actively don't invite each others kids to parties as either my ds1 gets very excited to see his big cousin (18 months older) and ignores his friends whereas dn1 tends to ignore my ds1 when her friends are around.

Instead we just stick candles in a cake at teatime when we next see each other to hand over presents. A good excuse for another celebration and for the birthday child to feel special!

TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 04/05/2011 16:47

It's true that it hurts...I also think the family "tea party" is a nice idea...you can always include Aunties and Nans then.

thebird · 04/05/2011 16:50

I can see why you might be upset but I think all will become clearer once your DD starts school. The whole birthday party thing is a minefield and a source of great stress, worrying who to invite, the cost, worrying when DCs not invited and everyone else seems to be, too many parties, more expense! Arghhhhhhh! It brings me out in a sweat thinking about it.

I think the 5th birthday being the first one in primary is quite a big deal and is so much about school friends at this stage. It would have been nice if your SIL had explained this though- maybe shes just too stressed!

ShowOfHands · 04/05/2011 16:55

Can I tell you my favourite dd not invited story?

My db got married when dd was a baby (still bf). They didn't want too many children at the wedding so made it invitation only. Fair enough. DB and SIL's own bf baby was obviously there, plus their older dd, their friend's children were there, db's colleague's children were there as were sil's nieces and nephews but dd wasn't invited because they didn't want to be overrun.

I dare you to tell me IWBU for being a bit miffed?

Original poster

Pinkjenny · 04/05/2011 16:56

You were fully entitled to be miffed. Right, am off to pick my poor little excluded dc up from nursery.

OP posts:

Maryz · 04/05/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 04/05/2011 17:05

Show, that is outrageous really. BF babies don't "count" as children in my book, as far as parties/weddings are concerned. Hope you told your DB where to stick it?

ShowOfHands · 04/05/2011 17:09

DD's 4 next week. I'm about over it

I suspect it was less db and more sil actually. Lots of people got involved on my behalf (I was postnatal and hormonal and desperately disappointed that I'd be missing db's wedding because I was still exclusively feeding). They relented the night before and I got an 'if you HAVE to bring her, you'll just have to bring her' phonecall. They ignored her all day. She's on no pictures and sil blanked me.

Ginabraz · 04/05/2011 17:13

I think that it is always nice to receive an invitation and then it is up to you to say yes or no. You should explain this to SIL rather than getting mad. IMO, family is important and I think your dd should have received an invitation.

exoticfruits · 04/05/2011 17:17

Up to 4/5 yrs I had my friends family. Once they got to school age they chose a few school friends. It is very difficult if another DC comes from some distance and only knows the birthday DC -and it gets much worse as they get older. (difficult for DC who doesn't know the rest that is). All my friends/family did the same-it was never discussed, just sensible.
Maryz has the sensible solution.

HubbaHubbaBubba · 04/05/2011 17:24

You're overthinking it IMHO. Phone and see when you can go to celebrate niece's birthday some other time as a special family thing - makes it even more special? My sis and I are very close but she wasn't sure she could make it to my DD1's birthday party, (we both have DDs the same age, and she also has an older DD), so we said we'd do something another time. More fun for more time.

timetomove · 04/05/2011 17:43

I agree with others who say it really does change when they are at school. I have a close friend who has a DD of a similar age to mine (a few months older but a school year ahead) and the DDs are really good friends (we go on hols together etc). They went to each others parties when they were little. At my friend's DD's first party after she started school, they very kindly invited my DD who was the only child there not in the class at school (I think it was a joint party with another little girl from the class). DD was very excited to go, but when she got there she felt left out and did not have that great a time. ALL the other kids knew each other and had been doing a round of parties (as happens in the early years when most tend to have whole class parties), and although friend's DD was kind and tried to include my DD it was difficult when all her other little friends were clamouring for her attention and talking about things my DD could not join in with etc. After that, we have not been inviting each others DDs to parties, although we do try to do something around the time of their birthdays (e.g. trip to the theatre).

Assuming it is a school class party, i honestly think your DD would not have enjoyed it. However, if you have historically invited your DCs to each others parties, I think YANBU to be upset that they did not talk to you directly about this and maybe arrange a little family tea party or something (in addition to the class party).

exoticfruits · 04/05/2011 19:21

As DCs get older things change and you have to move with them. It is a natural change, parties cease to be about Mum's friends and family and about the DCs friends. It doesn't mean that you drop the first-just that you do something different, at a different time.
At 3yrs old you can get a mix of DCs playing together because they are still really playing alone, but as they get older it becomes more difficult. It takes a pretty confident DC to go into a party where they all know each other but not you. Imagine you ,as an adult, going into a party where you know only the host-I have done it but it isn't very enjoyable (not to someone quite shy).

Northeastgirl · 04/05/2011 20:36

I think it was a bit OTT to be "furious" about DD not being invited, but I think you've had some good advice here, especially the suggestion of meeting up another time to celebrate the family birthday(s)

PumpkinBones · 04/05/2011 21:03

Two parties. It's the only way to go!
Do you know where she had the party, or what it involved? SIL may have felt it was not age appropriate, or very limited numbers - my friend's son had a farm park party last week, normally it is a BBQ type thing and we all go, but this year they was limited to 10 and was understandably given the choice of his schoolfriends.

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