Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that he should make the alternative arrangements?

62 replies

BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:02

After a long and bloody battle, I have finally organised some sort of regular custody arrangements with exh. He has agreed to give me 2 weeks worth of dates that he is able to have ds, at a time, as this is all he can get from his employer with regards to rotas etc.

So this weekend, he is due to have ds Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon. I confirmed this with him only last week.

This morning, when I did the drop-off, he's now told me that he can't have him on Friday night, as he's got some work.

Now whilst I know I'm lucky to have a whole weekend off, AIBU to expect that in this situation, he should be making alternative arrangements for ds? I've told him that I have plans on Friday night (which I don't Wink), but he's basically told me that it's tough, and that he'll have him from Sat lunchtime onwards - and more to the point, intimated that I'm lucky that he's having him anyway.

Sigh. I'm so fed up with this.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 13:04

Sorry but wouldn't you rather have your child yourself as opposed to him being fobbed off somewhere else, with maybe someone you don't know?

I know I would.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/05/2011 13:06

Totally agree with Fabby - you would prob be doing another AIBU post if you found out he had placed your DS with someone you dont know.

Also, maybe his work is really important, esp in this economic climate and he really cant afford to turn it down

You still get a nice break too xx

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:06

I meant with his grandma really, Fabby. I don't want my son 'fobbed off' Hmm I want the arrangements to be adhered to! It's the principle.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 04/05/2011 13:07

He's working, not going out on the piss.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:09

Hold on a minute - whether he can afford to turn it down is hardly the issue. He had arrangements to have his son. If my work tried to call me in on a Saturday, for example, I would have to refuse as I have my children at home! So it irritates me beyond belief that this happens. He had prior arrangments.

I'm not telling you off by the way, Betty Wink - I'm just cross with the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:10

That's what he's told me, Soup Dragon. But he did the same thing last night, and then I found out that he had in fact been out on the piss.

This is door work. A new job apparently Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:10

Oops - last week, I meant. Last Friday night.

OP posts:
PlopPlopPing · 04/05/2011 13:14

If my work tried to call me in on a Saturday, for example, I would have to refuse as I have my children at home!

Totally agree with that. He needs to put his son first.

Snorbs · 04/05/2011 13:15

Actually, I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect your ex to make some effort in finding an alternative childcare option rather than just assuming that you'll take up his slack. If he has had a change of plan then he should ask you if you can have DS on the Friday night, not just tell you that you are.

Sadly, though, there's cock-all you can realistically do about it. I understand your frustration (my ex pulls similar stunts) but you can't force someone to be responsible and to treat you with respect.

FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 13:16

Maybe he needs to earn money in order to be able to have his son?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/05/2011 13:17

But he had arrangements to see his son.....not your sons Granny.

Granted annoying for you, esp when things have been set down and I dont blame you for being pissed off...esp when he did it last week and was actually out on the town Shock...thats very naughty!

fuzzywuzzy · 04/05/2011 13:18

I can see your point Babyyoureafirework, xdp should make childcare arrangements during his time with your DS, as it's his time with DS. Especially as it's not reciprocal, ie he wont step in if you need it.

On the other hand, personally, I would far rather happily have my children with me than with a parent who doesn't want them. Being forced on to someone who isn't interested really, cannot be good for the child.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:18

It may sound like I'm trying to be difficult, and ungrateful. I'm not, I promise. It's taken almost a year to get this sorted out to this point. And still, he seems to think that he's doing me some sort of a favour.

He sees ds every day at some point - I have no problems with how good a father he is - but I'm fed up with having to take all the responsibility with this sort of thing.

OP posts:
lettinggo · 04/05/2011 13:21

YANBU at all, IMO.

Your ds is his responsibility for the times agreed and it's up to him to make arrangements if he has to work.

A friend of mine is in a similar situation. Her children are teens now but her very controlling ex-h, who can't bear that she's moved on and is in another relationship, will cancel arrangements at the last minute in order to mess with her plans. Consequently, she can't make definite arrangements for time away from her children.

Nip this is the bud.

norwegianwood · 04/05/2011 13:21

I agree with Snorbs. Your ex should speak to you first before changing arrangements whether he is going to work or out on the piss.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:22

Am I really being unreasonable? Confused Maybe I am!

Look at it this way. What if I'd arranged to go away for the weekend on Fri night? What would I do then?

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/05/2011 13:23

Then you would have to cancel, and I'd also cancel him having him the rest of the weekend too, if he cannot be reliable I'd not make any plans until your son has gone with him.

Yes it is unfair, but so are a lot of men.

HarrietJones · 04/05/2011 13:25

YANBU. Xh has just done similar thing. His weekend & I'm having dds on Friday cos he is at a concert. Only told me this am.

SarkyLady · 04/05/2011 13:26

IMO this is not so much about the fact that he is working but about how he has told you.

If he had phoned up to say he'd been offered more work and to ASK you if you could have your Ds so that he could take on the extra hours then that you have been fine.

His attitude that he is doing you a favour and that he can assume that you will fit around his plans is shitty.

Flippingebay · 04/05/2011 13:26

I don't think you are being unreasonable, it seems like you are the one making all the effort and he's doing 'what he can'.

I completely understand why you'd want him to take responsibility and do the same as you would, and make other arrangements. It sounds like he's not taking complete responsibility for his and your child. However life sometimes isn't fair, and you may find yourself having to be the 'grown up'. I wonder what would happen if you flattly refused? I wouldn't do this personally as you don't know where it would lead, but this is what he's doing to you.

NinkyNonker · 04/05/2011 13:27

Yanbu, do you have to pay for childcare when you have to work?

Pushmeinthepool · 04/05/2011 13:27

I don't think you're being unreasonable; it's not like if you suddenly got extra hours at work you could ring your ex and say "I can't have DS tonight as I'm working". All the responsibility falls on you.

My first husband used to think he could cherry-pick when he saw our daughter and would always tailor everything to suit him. I started saying "No" or telling him it wasn't convenient to change arrangements and eventually he started being more considerate towards me and sticking to things.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 04/05/2011 13:30

YABU for lying about having plans on Friday in order to try to make things awkward for ExH and work. Playing games can backfire on you and your DS could suffer because of it. Why do you care if he 'THINKS he's doing YOU a favour'. If he has such a childish attitude then you are well rid of him. Someone has to be grown up about this.

LoonyRationalist · 04/05/2011 13:34

YANBU. Your XH has made a commitment to care for your DS at this time. Therefore it is his responsibility to ensure that he is cared for; asking you politely or using grandparents would seem to be equally reasonable options. It is irrelevant what he is doing when he backs out of arrangements, what is relevant is that he is still responsible for organising alternative childcare at these times.

Your example about going away for the weekend is a good one.

You need to help him see that the times he agrees to are then his responsibility, he can't chop & change, it isn't fair on you or DS

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 04/05/2011 13:34

YANBU