to expect that he should make the alternative arrangements?

[BabyYoureAFirework]

After a long and bloody battle, I have finally organised some sort of regular custody arrangements with exh. He has agreed to give me 2 weeks worth of dates that he is able to have ds, at a time, as this is all he can get from his employer with regards to rotas etc.

So this weekend, he is due to have ds Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon. I confirmed this with him only last week.

This morning, when I did the drop-off, he's now told me that he can't have him on Friday night, as he's got some work.

Now whilst I know I'm lucky to have a whole weekend off, AIBU to expect that in this situation, he should be making alternative arrangements for ds? I've told him that I have plans on Friday night (which I don't ), but he's basically told me that it's tough, and that he'll have him from Sat lunchtime onwards - and more to the point, intimated that I'm lucky that he's having him anyway.

Sigh. I'm so fed up with this.

YANBU at all imo, especially since you know he lied about working recently - how do you know he really has to work?

But I don't see what you can do about it really without upsetting your son. Unless your ex has some sort of epiphany about your time being as important as his own.

YANBU

Charge him for childcare? Check the going rate for overnight care. If you are helping him earn some extra cash, its only fair you get rewarded financially too.

Drop the kids off at his anyway? or at his parents? He has made a commitment and it has to be his responsibility (otherwise Im sure he'll continue to push your boundaries).

Does the CSA know he has reduced his commitments and the childcare is no longer shared equally? If the time he looks after them has been reduced, the payments should also be reviewed (upwards).

Oh, it's so difficult. I do everything I can to be flexible - I let him see ds whenever he wants, I reduced the maintenance down to £60 per month because I knew he was struggling with money, I walk to his street every morning and evening before and after work so that he doesn't have to bring him to my house... and this is what I get?

It makes me so fucking angry. But there is literally nothing I can do.

I think the reason some people have been saying YABU is that if it's taken a year to get to this...then 4 days with Dad might seem very long to your DS...your ex has a new job...why not work with him to come to another arrangement.

Babyyoureafirework, does he have your son each day whilst you work?

No, you've misunderstood me. Sorry, I maybe didn't explain properly.

When we first separated, exh wanted shared care. I was happy to do this as he and ds are close. It has dwindled to as and when - which I don't think is fair on ds's stability, or on my right to know when my son is not at home.

It's taken a year to pin him down to giving me 2 weeks dates in advance.

It doesn't sound as though he's very reliable at all to be honest. As and when isn't acceptable, both for your son and for you. Your son needs the continuity of regular contact and you need to know what's going on and when so that you can plan your life and work.

He works shifts, Pushme - he does the school run in the morning, his mum picks ds up from school and I go and pick him up. Or the other way around, depending on his shift.

Ah so he's taking responsibility for his child in that respect then?

BabyYoureAFirework I'm on your side here. If it's his night of care, then he should either be there, or make suitable arrangements (eg Granny). The fact that he is working is neither here nor there, and you certainly shouldn't be grateful that he's been pinned down to any nights at all.

Exactly, Pushme - he does take responsibility otherwise. He's a good dad. I just cannot bear this attitude that his time is more important than mine. I should be able to rely on the arrangements, enough to make arrangements of my own. Obviously if he is ill, or ds is ill, that's different. But this letting me down at the last minute, for whatever reason, has to stop.

I would actually say to him that you're not happy that he's cancelling having your son on Friday night and that you won't be able to help him out and provide childcare as you're busy and so he will have to make other arrangements.