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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect that he should make the alternative arrangements?

62 replies

BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:02

After a long and bloody battle, I have finally organised some sort of regular custody arrangements with exh. He has agreed to give me 2 weeks worth of dates that he is able to have ds, at a time, as this is all he can get from his employer with regards to rotas etc.

So this weekend, he is due to have ds Fri, Sat, Sun and Mon. I confirmed this with him only last week.

This morning, when I did the drop-off, he's now told me that he can't have him on Friday night, as he's got some work.

Now whilst I know I'm lucky to have a whole weekend off, AIBU to expect that in this situation, he should be making alternative arrangements for ds? I've told him that I have plans on Friday night (which I don't Wink), but he's basically told me that it's tough, and that he'll have him from Sat lunchtime onwards - and more to the point, intimated that I'm lucky that he's having him anyway.

Sigh. I'm so fed up with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:34

dolldaggabuzzbuzz - that's really unfair. I have ALWAYS been the grown-up, and as a result, am of course having ds on Friday night.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 04/05/2011 13:38

Sorry, posted too early. Because if when you have responsibility you have to find paid childcare it seems very unfair that when your child is his responsibility he can just revert back to you...inconveniencing you and meaning he never experiences the true meaning of responsibility for a child. Ie that sometimes you have to work around them and not the other way round. Apart from the fact he gets to pocket all his earnings and you don't.

Pushmeinthepool · 04/05/2011 13:41

I totally agree with NinkyNonker!

You are essentially providing him with free childcare, leaving him to go off and earn money which he gets to keep, whilst he isn't doing the same for you. If you were each working hours to fit round each other and sharing childcare therefore providing "free" childcare for each other it would be different.

Butterbur · 04/05/2011 13:41

No, YANBU. Your ex can either be a proper parent, or not be one at all. It's not your job to run round in circles to fit in with him. I don't understand why other posters are condoning his irresponsible behaviour.

Why did you want your DS to have a relationship with this child-man? What is he going to learn about being a responsible father from him? More likely contact will result in your DS perpetuating the same sort of behaviour to his own DCs in his turn.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 04/05/2011 13:42

Then DS is very lucky that you, his main carer, is the grown-up as he has such a selfish father. And you are very lucky to be having DS on Friday night as you have no other plans and Daddy is working. If you genuinely had arranged something for Friday then that would be different. Sorry.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:45

So what would you have said then, dolldaggabuzzbuzz? If I genuinely had plans, what would I do? Just cancel them.. again? That was sort of the question I was asking.

OP posts:
Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 13:46

It may sound like I'm being petty. I just think that this isn't right. That the resident parent should always have to rearrange according to the non-resident parent and their 'right' to do whatever they like.

OP posts:
Pushmeinthepool · 04/05/2011 13:47

If I was in your position, Babyyoureafirework, I would call the whole weekend off with your ex. Tell him that no, the deal was Friday, Saturday, Sunday and monday and he's changed the goalposts so your son will see him at the next contact date arranged

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 04/05/2011 13:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stopthenonsense · 04/05/2011 13:58

I assume you wanted to be the resident parent? I've not met many mothers who don't.

It does surprise me when we have roles such as resident and non-resident parent and then wonder why the NRP doesn't take the same responsibility.

If you want shared-care where both parents are seen as equals offer your ex that. All costs child-care etc could then be split 50-50.

You could even split the child benefit 50-50.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 14:01

Originally it was supposed to be shared care, Stopthenonsense - this has dwindled over the last year to once a week if I'm lucky. That's overnight, I mean. He does see him every day.

To be fair, doll, I just said it out of pettiness, just to see what he'd say. At which point he sort of mumbled that it was tough. That's what's made me angry.

I appreciate all your points of view, honestly. I want to make sure I'm not BU.

OP posts:
Pushmeinthepool · 04/05/2011 14:02

Stopthenonsense, if the OP's ex is happy to change arrangements regarding their son at the drop of a hat then it doesn't sound very likely that he would want shared-care with the OP

anastaisia · 04/05/2011 14:03

YANBU

He was already committed to his role as a parent at that time so wasn't free to just accept extra work. It would be different if he's said 'I've been offered extra work, can we change the arrangement?' but he shouldn't just have assumed he could do it.

Though I do know separated parents who have a 'first refusal' offer - so that the other parent is always offered the extra time with their child before they arrange babysitting; it's an offer though and both parents know that the one scheduled to be spending time with their DD is the one to sort out alternative care if needed. (They get on very well which helps with that kind of thing I expect)

Pushmeinthepool · 04/05/2011 14:04

OMG! He said it was tough!!??

Well in that case I would definitely tell him to get stuffed this weekend and if he moans tell him it's tough! What an arsehole

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 04/05/2011 14:05

You're assuming her ex wanted 50-50 Stopthenonsense

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 14:07
OP posts:
CurrySpice · 04/05/2011 14:08

YANBU AT ALL. IT is annoying and selfish in te extreme and dolldaggabuzzbuzz I fail to see how the OP can be accused of "trying to inconvenience" her ex. Whether she is going out or not is irrelevant. He is inconveniencing her by being a parent only when it suits him. She has not made her DS feel unwanted. His "father" has.

Can you tell my ex does this Hmm

Snorbs · 04/05/2011 14:13

Stopthenonsense, even a 50-50 thing is no guarantee that ones ex won't play selfish silly buggers. During the six months I did 50-50 with my ex plans were changed at the last minute quite often due to my ex's dating "work" commitments.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 04/05/2011 14:15

I didn't accuse the OP of 'trying to inconvenience her ex' I said I thought that lying was a bad idea.

My Ex also did this to me. Yes it is annoying. I thank god that I got away from him.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 14:30

I just don't see any end to it. There's no law or judgement that can force the non resident parent to see their child when it's convenient to me.... so why is it so different the other way round? It really annoys me.

OP posts:
MissyBrookes · 04/05/2011 14:43

If you had arranged to go away for the weekend - including the friday night - then you would cancel it. Like you said, if work rang you asmking for you to work you would decline as your children are your priority. If you are taking that view then of course the same stands for holidays and leisure time. Just because its a treat doesn't mean its any different.

I do agree that he should look after his children when he has the opportunity. However its good to hear that he does actually work and isnt sitting on the dole and refusing to have them. But if the tables were turned and you needed to work an extra shift for some extra money would you be asking him? I bet you say no anyway but just think about it.

Original poster
BabyYoureAFirework · 04/05/2011 14:52

Of course I would Missy! And he may well agree.

But I take issue with what you've said. If I had arranged to go away for the weekend, or whatever, and he cancelled, why should I have to cancel my holiday? He's just as much my sons parent as I am.

So I should be grateful because he goes to work? I go to work too, and I wouldn't dream of taking on anything extra because I wouldn't rely on someone else to have my child.

OP posts:
macdoodle · 04/05/2011 14:58

YANBU at all, and I suspect most saying your are have never tried to arrange and maintain access with an unreasonable, selfish arse.
As someone said before, you can't just drop looking after your child last minute because work offered you some nice extra cash, or you had a better offer.
Why is the resident parent the one responsible for picking up the slack, making the arrangements, cancelling etc. What would have happened if the OP was away for the weekend, guarantee the ex would expect her to find childcare!
My ex does this to me all the time. He agree ddates to have the DC over Easter, said he would be around, so I booked 2 extra work shifts (desperately need the money), and he pissed off (yes to work but I was working too, and I support the children), leaving me to find last minute childcare on a bank holiday (and had to pay through the nose for it!).
Sorry men like this get right up my nose, no sense of responsibility or common sense.
OP you 100% NOT BU!

macdoodle · 04/05/2011 15:00

Missy Shock why is his life so much more important, why is the resident parent the one who has to change plans?
Am shocked you feel this way, have you ever been in a similar situation? I very much doubt it, it grinds your soul down to ash!

saffy85 · 04/05/2011 15:13

YANBU after all if you wanted to do anything including overtime at work you'd need to find childcare for your DC first. Otherwise you'd need to say no, wouldn't you? Just like every other parent really. What would your ex do if you really honestly could not get out of your "plans" on the friday? He'd have to sort out an alternative.

Your ex's attitude would infuriate me tbh. He isn't babysitting his own child as a favour to you.