to ask how you lot would deal with my MIL?
ilovecrisps · 03/05/2011 14:47
I would value opinions on this, TBH it should probably be somewhere else but I need quite a few in a short time.....
My MIL has always been fairly open in her contempt of me TBH I find her equally unpleasant and I'm sure she knows it. However I have always tried not to let it affect the children, she seems incapable of doing this I have had a thread on here about her poor behaviour towards the children which is longstanding but things have suddenly and recently got a lot worse.
we had to spend 3 days with my in laws and SIL BIL and neices and nephews (camping), events during that time included my MIL buying all SILs children new outfits and telling everyone with ears all about it (and how wonderful SIL children are), handing out chocolate to SIL children in front of mine and reducing 2 of my children to tears thinking they had nowhere to sleep.
I overheard her telling dc1 to 'stop doing that, get out and don't come back' (I suspect he may have been climbing a bunk bed!)
on the last day dc1 had been given a biscuit, she proceeded to snatch it off him and give it to SIL child dc1 got very upset and the biscuit was returned to it's rightful owner she went into the kitchen to complain to FIL I turned to my husband who had seen the whole thing to say you have to do something she just snatched a biscuit off dc1. I am not sure what he did (I can't remember) but the result was SIL, MIL and FIL in the kitchen with dc1 and SIL saying repeatedly and forcefully to dc1 that's not what happened, Granny didn't snatch it you have to say she didn't snatch it over and over. I told my husband to get dc1 out of the kitchen but he went in and joined the discussion so I walked in grabbed dc1 by the wrist and pulled him out of the room.
MIL followed me outside and was loudly and publically verbally abusive to me in front of all the children.
we left (were due to leave anyway)
dc is 7
I know a lot of the problem is my husband who has totally failed to deal with her behaviour towards his family but what do I do from here on?
what would you do?
Assume your/my husband is prepared to do little (as an example after this he stayed with his MIL/FIL/sister he says he was defending me but he didn't come over to me until packing the stuff to leave)
FabbyChic · 03/05/2011 14:52
You cease all contact with your MIL, and refuse to allow the children to be in her presence, trying to get a child to lie, snatching a biscuit off of them, buying other grandchildren things when all the grandchildren are together is fucking plain wrong.
She is mistreating your children and it is down to you to stop it.
Ring her tell her that until she treats them all the same she can fuck off.
pranma · 03/05/2011 14:52
Your dh should have supported you immediately.Your dc do need such a poisonous relationship and need protection from these emoyionally abusive people.Any grandparent who behaves like that has forfeited the right to be called grandparent and any man who puts his family ahead of his wife is a disgrace-when he married you his first loyalty should always be to you and your dc ahead of his family.
ledkr · 03/05/2011 14:56
How long has this gone on? If your dh can deal with it then thats best but if he cant (like mine) then you have to detatch yourself from it or confront them yourself. I have been very depressed since the birth of dd 12 wks due to pils and i now realise dh isnt ever going to sort it effectively so i have distanced myself and am more forcefull about what i want to happen,it doesnt sound as if your dc's are happy when with them anyway.
KaraStarbuckThrace · 03/05/2011 14:57
Cease ALL contact with this poisonous bitch and if your H doesn't like it show him the door.
And tell him he may NOT try and sneak the DCs to his mother's behind your back.
Make it clear that this will continue until your MIL apologises sincerely to you and and your DCs.
anonacfr · 03/05/2011 14:59
If she's horrible to your children what's the point of staying in touch? It's not like they will have any significant relationship with her- all they'll have will be memories of growing up and seeing their GPs doting on their cousins and treating them like dirt.
I would have a serious talk to your DH.
LineRunner · 03/05/2011 14:59
Oh dear Lord, this is just so wrong, isn't it? And you know it, don't you? I agree with FabbyChic and pranma - your MIL has to now bear the consequences of her behaviour, and you don't have to have anything whatsoever to do with her. Your husband also needs to get himself a reality check, and maybe your clear and obvious ditching of the MIL will do the trick.
bubblecoral · 03/05/2011 14:59
I would cut contact. I have done it with my MIL, and at first dh tried to persuade me otherwise, but he has finally accepted that it's not going to happen. The next time I will see either MIL or FIL will be when one of them dies and I have to see the other at the funeral.
Bogeyface · 03/05/2011 15:02
I have a vicious MIL who made her loathing of me no secret from day one, no matter how much I tried. After a particularly bad time a couple of years ago I have nothing to do with her and refuse to allow her anywhere near my DC. Luckily DH agrees with me and does stand up to her in a way you DH doesnt but I would still stand my ground if he didnt.
Would you allow a stranger to treat your children like this? Bullying them, lying to them, threatening them, trying to get them to lie? Of course you wouldnt so why the hell would you allow family to do it?
Tell her in no uncertain terms that she no longer exists as far as you and the children are concerned.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 15:02
Your DH is at fault here. His responsibility is to you and the children and he didn't protect any of you. Agree with the posters who suggest cutting out the visits unless the children want to go with their father. I'd steer clear if I were you given your mutual antagonism.
Something's odd though... either your DP really doesn't have a backbone if the events are as described, or he doesn't agree with you. HE is where I would be focusing my attention, I think. Either to stand up for you all or move in with mummy dearest himself.
howdoyoueatyours · 03/05/2011 15:03
I would keep a MIL like that away from my kids. I don't think they have anything to gain from contact with her. I would tell her that she won't be seeing them unless they are treated kindly and fairly. By the sound of it it doesn't sound like MIL will be that bothered as she doesn't seem to like them very much - her loss.
If DH wanted to visit it would have to be on his own. Don't let him talk you into putting the kids in a situation which is basically abusive.
saffy85 · 03/05/2011 15:05
Avoid her like the plague. Your kids shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that by their own grandmother. You've given your DH ample oppurtunity by the sound of it, to deal with his mum and stand up for his own family. He hasn't for whatever reason, that's sad. His DC will be so disappointed in him if they aren't already.
I wouldn't usually say cut out grandparents and aunts and uncles etc, but your DC can't be getting anything out of seeing this lot.
ilovecrisps · 03/05/2011 15:11
So a unanimous cutting of contact...
I did wonder if anyone would say continue.
TBH I have been concerned for a few years and we had agreed that MIL should not see our children and SIL children at the same time (she becomes MUCH worse if she has any of her daughters children around) it was a duel birthday celebration which was why it happened (and 4 years had gone by....!)
I agree it's abusive I just didn't want to be the one to stop the children from seeing their grandparents IYSWIM
I agree my husband is a large part of the problem, TBH I don't think anyone in the family has stood up to MIL for so long she's forgotten what it's like
Lying what you say is true I have suggested he move back in with Mummy on more than one occasion
I know it wasn't the question but I'm really shocked by SIL I really don't like the idea of adults trying to pressurise a small child to lie
TottWriter · 03/05/2011 15:11
I agree with the other MNers telling you to cut contact.
To be honest, I wouldn't even bother ringing her to let her know. I would just not respond when she phones, and if your DH wants to talk to her, then he can let her know that she will have no further contact with your DC until she can restrain herself from bullying them. I would be this blunt with your DH, and tell him that under no circumstances will you allow your DC to have any contact with her until she learns to be a decent human being.
debinaboat · 03/05/2011 15:12
she doesnt like you,she doesnt like your children! simply avoid having any thing to do with her. your dh should see ils on his own, and when questions are asked about why you or your dcs are not with him let him explain why. she is mean and nasty and you and your dcs deserve to be treated better than that by all of them!.I always ask myself "would i let a stranger treat my dc like that" ...being related to someone does not give them the right to act badly,she needs to know that you will not put up with your dcs being treated in that way.
MittzyTheMinx · 03/05/2011 15:14
God, she sounds like my Ex MiL, snidey little actions and words and then denial or feigned innocence .
Grandparents are supposed to be a source of love and a bit of spoiling in my book but was stunned at how many are just so far off from that.
I would reduce contact as much as you can because my DS is now 13 and detests his Nana, and whilst I have a great love for the elderly in general, she had done very little to earn his (or DD's) love and respect
My DC's Nana is now protesting she doesn't know what she has done wrong and is very good at acting sweet and frail when it suits.
The DC's Dad defends her and applies emotional pressure on them to make allowances and is getting bothered now that he will have to explain why they don't want to see her. . Also failed to deal with her behaviour here so the damage is done.
You don't need the stress so could you have 'other plans' when things are arranged with the in laws?
ilovecrisps · 03/05/2011 15:14
gawd sorry it was a joint big birthday celebration for the inlaws, the whole family on one side was getting together for the first (and now probably the last!!) time.
I didn't want to be the one to stop that
also MIL is much worse around her daughters children and it had been 4 years since she had seen ours and theirs at the same time and they had changed from babies to children so i assumed she wouldn't try it with children IYSWIM
MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 15:14
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Casey76 · 03/05/2011 15:16
You must stop contact for the sake of your children....they will have their self esteem damaged and for them to see you being treat like that is unacceptable....explain everything to your husband and stand firm with your decision....from what you say your MIL doesnt want a relationship with you or your children anyway so why carry on when it is clearly causing you and your children stress and worry you dont need...
Life is too short...enjoy it ..spend time with people who make you happy!!!
Good luck xx
MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 15:17
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