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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you lot would deal with my MIL?

53 replies

ilovecrisps · 03/05/2011 14:47

I would value opinions on this, TBH it should probably be somewhere else but I need quite a few in a short time.....

My MIL has always been fairly open in her contempt of me TBH I find her equally unpleasant and I'm sure she knows it. However I have always tried not to let it affect the children, she seems incapable of doing this I have had a thread on here about her poor behaviour towards the children which is longstanding but things have suddenly and recently got a lot worse.

we had to spend 3 days with my in laws and SIL BIL and neices and nephews (camping), events during that time included my MIL buying all SILs children new outfits and telling everyone with ears all about it (and how wonderful SIL children are), handing out chocolate to SIL children in front of mine and reducing 2 of my children to tears thinking they had nowhere to sleep.

I overheard her telling dc1 to 'stop doing that, get out and don't come back' (I suspect he may have been climbing a bunk bed!)

on the last day dc1 had been given a biscuit, she proceeded to snatch it off him and give it to SIL child dc1 got very upset and the biscuit was returned to it's rightful owner she went into the kitchen to complain to FIL I turned to my husband who had seen the whole thing to say you have to do something she just snatched a biscuit off dc1. I am not sure what he did (I can't remember) but the result was SIL, MIL and FIL in the kitchen with dc1 and SIL saying repeatedly and forcefully to dc1 that's not what happened, Granny didn't snatch it you have to say she didn't snatch it over and over. I told my husband to get dc1 out of the kitchen but he went in and joined the discussion so I walked in grabbed dc1 by the wrist and pulled him out of the room.

MIL followed me outside and was loudly and publically verbally abusive to me in front of all the children.

we left (were due to leave anyway)

dc is 7

I know a lot of the problem is my husband who has totally failed to deal with her behaviour towards his family but what do I do from here on?

what would you do?

Assume your/my husband is prepared to do little (as an example after this he stayed with his MIL/FIL/sister he says he was defending me but he didn't come over to me until packing the stuff to leave)

OP posts:
debinaboat · 03/05/2011 15:19

crossed posts bogey! we think alike..

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ilovecrisps · 03/05/2011 15:21

Madame!!! Grin

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByALamb · 03/05/2011 15:22

Poor you, and your poor children. She sounds like a right old witch. I know it is always harder for women to 'accept' the women their DSs marry, and she is bound to feel closer to her own DD than you, but her behaviour towards you and your DCs is appaling.

Your DH needs to grow a pair.

I hope you manage to resolve this.

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/05/2011 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2011 15:23

Actually, ilovecrisps, I've changed my mind. Cut your DCs contact with their grandmother. Your situation is very much like my Mother's with her MIL's sister (not sure what relation that is), anyway MIL's sister hated my Mum because she was foreign... my Mum didn't stop us from seeing her but I stopped going because she was spiteful to me because I was a girl and reminded her of my Mum. She was fine with my brothers.

You can do without that crap in your life and I agree with the other posters that it's better not to let their children see MIL's nastiness up close and personal.

Please don't let your husband get off scott free though, OP, he didn't stand up for you and if he can't do that then what a poor excuse for a man he is. I've changed my mind partly because I wonder if he'd stick up for his DCs if they were at your MIL's without you... and I've come to the conclusion that he wouldn't, he'd not 'see' whatever incident it was. Hmm

Good luck without your MIL, Ilovecrisps, you'll be better off without her. Grin

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 03/05/2011 15:25

'I agree it's abusive I just didn't want to be the one to stop the children from seeing their grandparents IYSWIM'

It's your job to keep your children away from people who are abusive.

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChaoticAngelQueenofAnarchy · 03/05/2011 15:38

You need to tell your H what a pathetic wimp he's being and how by allowing his mother to bully his DC what a crap father he is being too.

Cymar · 03/05/2011 15:42

Can you throw some water over her to see if she starts smoking Wink.

Seriously though, keep your C away from her. Saying that, your FIL and SIL seem almost as bad, so you can keep the DC away from them too. Do you want your DC to grow up with the same attitude? NO? Well then, what more can I say? As for your DH, well tell him to shape up or ship out IYSWIM.

You have to be ruthless, and if you get a reputation for that, good for you, and I mean it. It's about time people like that got their come-uppance. You know the old saying: what goes around, come around.

Hope you stand up to your IL's, after all, what exactly do you have to lose? Gor for it Smile!!! I'm backing you on this one.

fit2drop · 03/05/2011 15:43

If she was anyone other than your MIL would she be someone you chose to be around?.............................

nope. thought not,

Disassociate yourself and your children from this toxic monster asap.

To be frank I would personally have it out with her too, Not in front of the children , but I would certainly tell her exactly what I thought and why I had made the decision .Then I would walk away with my head held high and leave her to stew in her shock at being answered back . Grin
As you say she is so used to people pandering to her , maybe the short sharp shock of someone giving her a reality check would actually make her have some respect for you.
To little too late maybe but worth a shot cos you wont be losing anything will you.

MadamDeathstare · 03/05/2011 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sue52 · 03/05/2011 15:59

I would cut contact with her and refuse to allow her near my children. Has this been a pattern with her? How did she behave towards your DH during his child hood, did she favour one child over the other?

KaraStarbuckThrace · 03/05/2011 16:01

I agree with Lying, I can't see your H sticking up for his children when his mother bullies them, hence you should make it clear he cannot take the children to see her under any circumstances.

I really think you should show him this thread as well, because he needs to pull his head out of the sand regarding his mother's despicable behaviour. I am absolutely Angry on your behalf that he did not defend you or the dcs.

Gooseberrybushes · 03/05/2011 16:03

Agree with casey - it will damage their self worth to be around this sort of treatment. Keep them away from her.

ENormaSnob · 03/05/2011 16:04

Cut contact.

Your dh sounds pathetic.

Let's his children be abused and treated like shit to keep mummy happy. Disgusting.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 16:05

Mdame - I like the way you are thinking re: sex.

OP - words fail me. How horrible.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 03/05/2011 16:09

What a Bitch. Thats all I can say really!

The thing that my MIL is great about is wanting all the family to see each other as much as possible, sometimes I get a bit Hmm about never seeing her on their own BUT they all love it and it works. Now if only she could see that my family might want to do that too..........I have alpha family ishooos.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 16:12

NarkyPuffin - your last post summed it up beautifully. Op will have to be prepared to be portrayed as the bad guy. That takes a lot of courage, but it's the right thing

BettySuarez · 03/05/2011 16:15

This is more then just a family squabble between families. This is abusive behaviour towards your children. Try to set aside (for the time being at least), your DH's failure to stand up to her.

You need to cease all contact with her immediately. Tell her why and then let your DH and his family sort it out amongst themselves. It's their problem now, not yours.

Don't be drawn into it and just focus on protecting your kids.

I hope that your DH finds in in himself to stand up for all - if not - then I suspect you have further decisions to make along the line

ChippingIn · 03/05/2011 16:16

I would have packed mine & the kids things and left him there with them.

I put up with a DP that didn't stand up to his vile parents for many years. Never again.

JamieAgain · 03/05/2011 16:18

MIL probably showed favouritism in the relationship with her own children

fit2drop · 03/05/2011 18:24

Madamdeathstare
a bit of confusion there, I actually said "Disassociate yourself and your children from this toxic monster asap."

the rest of my post was what I would do, not suggesting that OP should. Op sounds a much less impulsive raging lunatic person than I am.
sorry for the confusion Smile

squeakytoy · 03/05/2011 18:28

I will be honest, if my husband did not back me (his wife) and his children up.. I would divorce him.

glitterballmama · 03/05/2011 18:34

Cut off contact. Her behaviour is unacceptable and will damage your kids.You need to ask your DH to stand up to her, as someone else said, Life is too short to spend time with people who make you unhappy.

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