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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So AIBU about this wedding or is my DH BU??

92 replies

Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 14:30

We received an invitation to my DH's MBA friends wedding - it is a 3 day affair in Herefordshire, we're in Ealing. He sees him for beers maybe 3 or 4 times a year, I have never met him, (there hasn't ever been a with partners evening out, which is fine).
He obviously wants to go, it is, however, on the same weekend as the DC's summer fete.
He says that he's a lovely guy and he would like to develop the friendship - I say that it seems unlikely as we're about to move out of London and have 3DCs, they don't have kids (and I don't think they want any) and work in London.

So would you go??

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Northernlurker · 03/05/2011 16:00

Huge giggle at the idea of telling a friend you can't come to their wedding because of the dcs school fete. Will solve all future issues though as I wouldn't speak to you again after being told I was a priority below hook the duck and the cake stall......

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 03/05/2011 16:01

Hertfordshire is basically a stone's throw from North London so YABU to suggest it's a long way away.
A whole weekend of planned activities seems a bit much though so I can understand why a fete suddenly seems an attractive prospect in comparison.

Why not accept the invitation to the actual wedding, stay over and join the B&G for breakfast then go home again?

Northernlurker · 03/05/2011 16:03

I think it's Herefordshre not Hertfordshire?

Original poster
Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 16:12

It is Herefordshire btw.

The only people who can have the DCs for the weekend would be my parents - and they had them for a week while we went skiing in March for DH's 40th - and my dad is quite incapacitated atm and is waiting for an operation on his leg (which means my mum is run ragged taking care of the 3 DCs).
This friendship can be developed in other ways, we don't have to go to the expense of attending this extravaganza.

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Northernlurker · 03/05/2011 16:16

If you can't take the dcs that's a totally different issue. Either you don't go or dh goes alone. Either way the fete has fark all to do with it!

zikes · 03/05/2011 16:22

Your dh should go on Fri to the wedding proper and you & dc should join him on Saturday, I think. To support him and show willing.

The school fete is a rubbish excuse not to go, you really need to come up with something better Grin.

Megatron · 03/05/2011 16:26

Sorry but another YABU from me. If it was the other way round and it was your friend then surely you would want to go? Why not suggest he goes for the wedding, he doesn't need to be away for all three days.

ChippingIn · 03/05/2011 16:26

I think that (to me) the important thing here is that your DH has hardly spent any time with them while you lived near them and you haven't even met them! You are moving further away, how exactly does he intend to 'cultivate' this friendship? They don't have kids, you do. The wedding 'event' isn't really conducive to taking children... I just can't see the point... I'd tell DH all of that, if he wants to go fine.... but there's no need for your and the kids to go and have to 'amuse' yourselves & for the kids to miss their school fete if they're looking forward to it.

Original poster
Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 16:31

ChippingIn thank you, I was started to get v worried that I was BVU!!

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Original poster
Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 16:32

Btw he isn't going to the stag as he has a work golf tournament in France.

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Megatron · 03/05/2011 16:33

I don't really see how anyone can decide how someone else carries out their friendships to be honest. I have a friend that I haven't seen for 8 years but we keep in contact through other means. I think it's wrong to 'tell' someone that their friendship basically isn't worth it, I would never presume such a thing. Its a wedding and it's obv important to your DH, he's not going to Australia for a month without you!

eandemum · 03/05/2011 16:35

a man meeting up for beers 3/4 times a year sounds like a close friendship!!!!

I love school fetes but DH doesn't - I think you should go to fete and he goes to wedding!

SuchProspects · 03/05/2011 17:12

I can see why you don't think the friendship's going anywhere. If they haven't managed to get a partners meetup while you are living in London it's not so likely after. But that doesn't mean it isn't a significant friendship for him or that you shouldn't support him, so I think YABU if you can find childcare or take the DCs with you. But it is all for him, so make him do the work organizing etc.

This sounds like a friendship made on an intensive MBA course. If so, I can see why your husband wants to cement the friendship by attending the wedding. Networking is one of the main points of a good MBA. Turning down the wedding invitation makes him into just a drinking buddy. Going to the wedding makes a big difference and gives him a chance to meet other good contacts of the groom. I'm not suggesting this is just a work thing, but that the networking aspect may be woven into the fabric of their friendship.

Also - Independence Day? Is the groom American?

HeadfirstForHalos · 03/05/2011 17:49

YABU, missing a wedding for a fete? Hmm

I think you should supprt your dh by attending. I would also take the dc out of school on the friday if the dc is invited.

MmeLindt · 03/05/2011 17:59

I thought you were being U until I saw the wedding weekend program.

Can you ask your parents to pick the DC up from school on Friday so that you can both go to the actual wedding. Do the communal breakfast and go home for fete.

Then take the DC down for the BBQ.

What distance are we talking here?

lesley33 · 03/05/2011 18:03

I really don't think it is fair for you to judge whether your DH's friendship is close enough for him and you to go to the wedding. It is up to your DH to judge whether he wants to go to a friends wedding. Just go with him for the actual wedding at the very least.

It really does read that you are trying to look for any excuse not to go to this wedding. But if it is important to your DH, then you should support him on this. Thats what people in a good supportive marriage do.

helenthemadex · 03/05/2011 18:14

I dont like weddings or fetes much either so wouldnt really want to go to either

if you had said you dont like the couple then I would have thought YANBU and suggested you send your DH on his own but you are saying you dont know them which is a big part of why you dont want to go even though your dh has said he really wants to go so I think YABU a bit anyway.

would it be possible to go to the wedding on Friday to show your face and leave your dh to the rest of the weekend, I think some sort of comprimise (sp) would be good

expatinscotland · 03/05/2011 18:22

No, I wouldn't go. But then, I don't care for weddings, and that one sounds WAY beyond corny and goofy. Not my cup of tea. I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than do murder mystery dinner or spend a whole weekend doing a bunch of stuff I find boring with strangers.

Original poster
Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 18:37

It would be about 3.5 hrs each way.

He wants us all to go, I don't think there's a question of him going on his own.
I need to double check about the DCs and whether they are invited, it is just a printed card, inviting us to 'Share in our love and happiness', no Mr & Mrs Ealingkate, and I think the envelope said 'The Ealingkates'.
I suppose I find all this stuff about, "If he says it's important then you just do it", a bit Stepford Wives.

We have been together nearly 20 years and are very supportive of each other, he's off to Nepal for 2 weeks with his school friends as another 40th celebration in October, which I think is great and didn't even think twice about - we live very intertwined lives - which I suppose is why I find the insistance that we all go to the wedding of someone that I haven't even been introduced to, a little strange.

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Original poster
Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 18:38

Thankyou Such prospects for your perspective, I do hear what you're saying.

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Original poster
Ealingkate · 03/05/2011 18:39

insistence (duh)

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caughtinanet · 03/05/2011 18:50

There's no way I would go to the wedding with 3 DCs of that age, what would they do while you are doing the activities?

Regardless of what else might be happening on that weekend that would be reason enough for me to say no on the grounds of impractibility.

I agree with you Kate that its a bit odd to be expected to spend all that time with a couple you've never met. I'm sure your DH is lovely but it seems to me that they might be short of guests if they are inviting people with what appears to be a tenuous connection.

zukiecat · 03/05/2011 18:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Megatron · 03/05/2011 18:53

It's OK to find it strange - doesn't mean he shouldn't go though. I don't think being supportive is a bit Stepford Wives personally but I would hate to be controlling in this kind of situation either. I think I would try to find a compromose and a way to attend the wedding only and leave it at that. Not fair to question his friendship though.

expatinscotland · 03/05/2011 18:53

Then he's being ridiculous. Going on his own is a good compromise. If he's going to throw the teddy out the pram over this corny as fuck wedding 'weekend' (are people really so self-absorbed they believe people want to 'celebrate their love' for an entire weekend? FFS, even the royal wedding was over in a day) I'd tell him to get knotted.