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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to blame our huge debt on DH's alcoholism?

63 replies

visionthing · 02/05/2011 21:47

I haven't blamed him to his face. This is more of a slowly dawning realisation. Here are the figures:

We are approximately £25k in debt. This is across personal loan, overdraft and credit cards.

He has been an full on (drinking every possible evening) alcoholic since about 1998. Thirteen years. At his current levels of drinking he can easily spend £300 a month. So to average out over the years at £200 a month (to allow for rising prices and occasional nights off) that would mean he has spent £31k on alcohol in 13 years.

If he hadn't spent that money on alcohol, maybe we wouldn't be in debt.

I have been guilty of spending money knowing that it's money I didn't have to spend. But I do not buy unreasonably expensive things. I do not buy expensive clothes (mostly charity shops in fact), I do not go on expensive holidays (camping in uk usually), we have a small house and I run a cheap 2nd hand car.

I am in a professional job and earn more than the national average.

Yet this debt has grown to such proportions that it takes up a large chunk of monthly income just to make repayments. And we can't live on the rest - especially not with DH's drinking habit as it is.

So am I being unreasonable to begin to think that this whole mess of horrible debt is his fucking fault?

OP posts:

Serenitysutton · 02/05/2011 21:49

Yanbu, but how does that help you? It seems a bit of a meaningless accusation tbh, but I can imagine how hugely stressful your situation is. Debt is always someones fault - assigning blame doesn't get rid of it.

icooksocks · 02/05/2011 21:51

Depends-if you had access to all the bank/credit cards and you were joint on the overdraft then you are as equally to blame as your H. If you were spiralling into debt and noticed then you could have cut the cards up.
If you knew nothing about the loans etc then YANBU.

MmeLindt · 02/05/2011 21:51

Hmm. Difficult to say if it is the reason that you are in debt, as you may have spent that money on other things but you are not being unreasonable to be angry with him.

Is he able to hold down a job, drinking as he does?

Can you speak to a financial advisor and work out a repayment plan? Is your DH willing to go to AA or seek help for his alcoholism?

Serenitysutton · 02/05/2011 21:55

I cooksocks- she's got to live. The council tax still needs paying. If he's drank all the cash the overdraft might be the only way to meet those obligations

2rebecca · 02/05/2011 22:00

It's half your debt, you have given him the money to drink away and not left him when he was getting you into debt. If you get divorced you get half his debt usually.
Not quite sure why you are bringing this up 15 years down the line.

DoMeDon · 02/05/2011 22:02

Have you done anything to address the debt over the years? I would find it hard to sit by and watch debt pile up knowing that OH was drinking £300 a month without having a frank discussion about it. If you have said nothing then YAB a bit U.

I would look to seperating your finances as much as possible now and seriosuly consider what you want for your future.

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 22:02

£10 a night is only 3 pints. I wouldnt say that makes him an alcoholic, but if it is 3 bottles of wine a night, then that is a different matter.

You need to consolidate your debts, get an affordable repayment plan. You dont say if the debts are from his or your spending, so without knowing that, it is also hard to say if you are being unreasonable or not.

Zooo · 02/05/2011 22:04

I think that OP has just realised the depth of the problem and, until now, has just been focused on getting by month by month.

I think that you can probably attribute some of the blame on your DH's drinking problem but, as you're finding out, you are probably somewhat to blame too.

It's a tough one. Obviously you need to deal with the source of the problem before things get better.

Original poster

visionthing · 02/05/2011 22:04

Yes I have been fully aware of the overdrafts. And yes, it is living expenses that have to be met that I can't afford without borrowing. It's not me that buys the alcohol - I haven't physically bought it for years. But when I get to the checkout I have to pay for the food somehow.

I very much take your point about it not being a helpful accusation. It's just that I'm weighing up whether to leave him or not. He's not a bad person. But his problem is beginning to really affect me - not just emotionally etc but also financially. And I want to know if it's fair for me to think that on my own I would never have got into such appalling debt.

OP posts:

foreverondiet · 02/05/2011 22:04

It does sound that he has spent at least £25k on alcohol since 1998. Plus of course you have spend money on servicing the debt.

However it presumably has built up gradually, so perhaps it would be unreasonable to blame it on him now. You are complicit by letting the status quo to continue for such a long time. Do you work out how much money you both have each month to spend on luxuries - ie where has his £300 a month come from? (Does he hold down a job, does he accept he has a problem?)

I think you need to sit down with him and perhaps professional advisor to work out how to repay.

AgentZigzag · 02/05/2011 22:06

I think if you add up anything you buy over a long time you'd be shocked and think if I hadn't bought that thing I'd have x zillions of quids.

It's a bit sad to be living like that.

It's easy to say that he shouldn't have spent it on alcohol, but then you go on to say you've spent money you know you don't have as well.

I'm a bit surprised you've focused on how much money your DH's spending on alcohol instead of posting saying you're worried about why he's drinking so much.

Is just drinking in the evening be classed as alcoholism? I'm not sure.

Zooo · 02/05/2011 22:06

They do say not to consolidate debts. In fact you probably won't get a loan for consolidation unless you earn a significant amount of money.

zisforzebra · 02/05/2011 22:07

YANBU at all. icooksocks Alcoholics have a way of getting money regardless of what actions you take. He'd have got new cards or sold their stuff. There's nothing you can do to stop an alcoholic drinking until they are ready to help themselves.

Vision First things first - get yourself to the CAB or contact National Debtline or Consumer Credit Counselling Service for help approaching your creditors to reduce your payments. Then get yourself to Al-anon to support you in his alcoholism.

AgentZigzag · 02/05/2011 22:07

I'm not surprised you don't get on if you've dropped his alcoholism down to just a financial level.

What about any care you have for him and why he's drinking?

icooksocks · 02/05/2011 22:08

But if the only way you could have met living expenses is to eat into the overdraft because of H's drinking then IMO you should have addressed the issue years ago. You have allowed this to happen for 15 years.
If you divorce him you will be liable for half the debt, and if he doesn't keep up repayments you will be liable for ALL of it.

Original poster

visionthing · 02/05/2011 22:12

All of the debt has been accrued from drip drip overspend - no big purchases / cars / holidays. Basically, we go more into overdraft every month. We get to a point where the overdraft can't get any bigger and we get a consolidation loan to pay off the overdraft and credit cards. Then it starts again, only worse because our loan payment is bigger than last time.

I have been burying my head in the sand. I'm an idiot.

I do want to separate our finances so at least I can be in control of my own income / outgoings - how am I going to do that? We have had a joint account for 15 years. Our loan is joint. Currently he isn't working so the household is entirely supported by my income.

OP posts:

FunnysInTheGarden · 02/05/2011 22:12

TBH, we drink a bottle or so of wine a night plus a G&T to start and I am sure that the cost would be around about what your DH has spent. We earn more than the national average and while our wine bill is on the large side, we are certainly not in debt due to it.

I think that really you have other issues with your DH. Besides which, why are you not sharing the wine?.

DoMeDon · 02/05/2011 22:13

It is true that if you had been single you may not have such appalling debt. Having said that if these debts are joint you have agreed to them, think I would have thought about why the debts were amassing long ago. he is spending too much and the payments are crippling but you haven;t addressed it appropriatley. Couples do work through debt, I suspect there may be other things you are fed up about.

MmeLindt · 02/05/2011 22:14

It is unhelpful to berate the OP for not dealing with the matter earlier or to say that she is reducing the alcohol problem to a financial matter.

After 13 years with an alcoholic spouse, I suspect she has been through the whole emotional support system.

Original poster

visionthing · 02/05/2011 22:16

Agentzigzag it's not just about the money believe me. But this thread is just about the money.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 02/05/2011 22:16

X post.

Do an income/expenditure. Open a sole account for your wages to go into, tranfer all household bills to there then split any left over and that is all you can spend. Cut up the credit cards and live on baked beans if you have to. Getting out of debt is not pleasant but can be done.

Original poster

visionthing · 02/05/2011 22:18

Funnysinthegarden - I do not drink any alcohol. Why should I? Would that make everything ok?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 02/05/2011 22:19

Does he have a job?

My husband goes for a couple of pints every night, more of a social thing than anything, and I wouldnt consider him an alcoholic. He doesnt need to drink, he enjoys having a drink.

However if we were in financial trouble, he would have to knock it on the head.

Is your husband contributing to the finances or not?

hairylights · 02/05/2011 22:21

So am I being unreasonable to begin to think that this whole mess of horrible debt is his fucking fault?

Yanbu. But perhaps an earlier realisation would've been reasonable? Are you going to leave him? Has he got any redeeming features? What's good about being married to him?

FunnysInTheGarden · 02/05/2011 22:25

vision no it won't make everything OK, but if you don't drink then it is quite easy to see his drinking and spending money on it as the root of your problems. When one spouse drinks and the other doesn't, it is quite easy to take the moral high ground. When you both share a bottle of wine together of an eve, this take a different tint.

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