to blame our huge debt on DH's alcoholism?

[visionthing]

I haven't blamed him to his face. This is more of a slowly dawning realisation. Here are the figures:

We are approximately £25k in debt. This is across personal loan, overdraft and credit cards.

He has been an full on (drinking every possible evening) alcoholic since about 1998. Thirteen years. At his current levels of drinking he can easily spend £300 a month. So to average out over the years at £200 a month (to allow for rising prices and occasional nights off) that would mean he has spent £31k on alcohol in 13 years.

If he hadn't spent that money on alcohol, maybe we wouldn't be in debt.

I have been guilty of spending money knowing that it's money I didn't have to spend. But I do not buy unreasonably expensive things. I do not buy expensive clothes (mostly charity shops in fact), I do not go on expensive holidays (camping in uk usually), we have a small house and I run a cheap 2nd hand car.

I am in a professional job and earn more than the national average.

Yet this debt has grown to such proportions that it takes up a large chunk of monthly income just to make repayments. And we can't live on the rest - especially not with DH's drinking habit as it is.

So am I being unreasonable to begin to think that this whole mess of horrible debt is his fucking fault?

You need to speak to the bank and explain that your husband was made redundant and your income has dramatically altered. The bank should allow you to freeze the overdraft, and repay a certain amount each month until you are out of debt. Likewise with credit cards, you can negotiate with the CC company to freeze the interest and lower the repayments. THey would rather have some money and communication than no money.

The problem then may be that your husband sees this as you having more spare cash to fritter on booze, and that is where you need to be firm and make sure it doesnt happen.

Honestly, in your situation he would be given one last chance to either get with the programme (i.e. cutting up those credit cards, cancelling the overdraft) and no unnecessary spending (including booze).

If he can't do that then he loves the booze more than he loves you and DD and for her sake he has to go.

If you split, I would look at declaring bankruptcy once you have split everything. It will suck big time, but I seriously doubt you will be able to cover the entire debt (and lets face it he is going to keep drinking isn't he, so he won't be paying off his half) and keep you and DD.

You must be so frustrated.

Doing anything that your DrunkH sees as a threat to his ongoing alcoholism will cause a bad reaction from him. The current status quo is working marvellously for him. He gets to sit on his arse pissed all the time, you get to go out to work to pay for his booze. Sounds ideal for an alcoholic. He probably thought that if you went to Al Anon you'd learn ways to get him to stop drinking and, heaven knows, he doesn't want that.

Alcoholism is such an overwhelming part of a relationship that it can be very hard to see the wood for the trees. One way of looking at this kind of situation is to ignore the alcohol completely for a moment and just look at his behaviour. You decided to spend a couple of hours doing something that could turn out be positive and beneficial for you. He reacted so badly and so angrily that you felt forced to stop going.

That is, of course, abusive behaviour. So you're not just living with an alcoholic, you're living with an abusive alcoholic who bullies you into doing what he wants you to do and for whom you are walking on eggshells to avoid another explosion. I think I mentioned "Codependent No More" earlier. You really should read it. This might be a bit of an eye-opener too.

You do know that there's a very good chance he's drinking during the day, don't you? However much an alcoholic lets you see them drink, they are often drinking more in secret. And even if he isn't touching a drop during the day, he's looking after your DC while still half-pissed from the night before.

But look at it another way. The £25K debt, the drunkenness, and the lack of a job aren't big enough reasons for you to end this relationship. Fair enough. What would be? How bad does it have to get before you throw in the towel?

Because alcoholism is progressive. Over the years it gets worse and, all the time, the alcoholic's body becomes progressively less able to deal with it. My ex was early 40s when it tipped over the edge from "heavy drinking but more or less handling it" to "drunken chaotic mess". It seems that, for many alcoholics, their 40s is the time when their bodies start to just not be able to cope with it any more and that's when things go seriously downhill. How old is your DH, out of interest?

YANBU at all. Alcoholism is a horrible thing and alcoholics are very selfish people with only one priority in their life ie. where to get the next drink. Money, relationships, children, job, health.... nothing gets in the way. I've lived with an alcoholic who also thought nothing of racking up terrible debts. Not just to finance the booze but also to finance the 'great ideas' he had as a result. I'll say to you what I say to anyone in that situation... leave. You can waste years of your life giving them the benefit of the doubt, listening to excuses, 'supporting' them through treatment - and you get zero thanks for all of it. Cut your losses and walk.

It sounds as though alcohol is more important to his life than you and your child are. Being an addict involves being devious, so cutting the money may not help very much.

Your relationship is suffering, which would imply that your h has a problem. If he is prepared to lose everything for a drink, he is heading in the right direction.

I expect he would rather have a drink than look seriously for work. Alcohol is a great mindwarp.

Often in straitened times, the booze is the first luxury to go. Unless there is a problem.

what happens if he needs to drive somewhere in the evening?

You do need to take responsibility for the spending, if he has no access to money he cannot spend it on drink.

However, alcoholics or regular drinkers like he is over that amount of time, cannot just stop drinking, to do so will cause him long term health problems.

He specifically needs to take Vitamin C and get help from a doctor before embarking on detoxing.

You need to take the first step and take control of the spending, paying so much a month off the overdraft.

Tell him you are having your wages paid into a seperate account, that he will get spending money and what he spends that on is his business, however once it has gone it has gone.

Your income has significantly reduced this in itself would mean your overdraft would increase not just the drinking. But something has to give when you lose a wage and luxuries like wine is one of the first things that has to be cut.

Snorbs, he is 39.

These last 6 posts are very sobering indeed (excuse the pun).

I feel like wailing and beating my arms against a wall. He's never goon to get better, is he?

going of course

Not until he wants to. You can't make him want to and you can't treat him like another child - what sort of partnership is that?

You can't just continue, it will all explode and your DD will end up homeless, as someone upthread mentioned I would also be concerned he was drinking through the day when in charge of DD.

"Tell him you are having your wages paid into a seperate account, that he will get spending money and what he spends that on is his business, however once it has gone it has gone."

I agree with this. But only give him the spending money ..after each months necessities and treats for you and DD are paid for without going overdrawn.

If, in order fir there to be booze bought, you are getting into monthly debt as family, then the booze has to stop.

This hasn't been a choice that he's a sags and you are breadwinner, and he has wasted family money and behaved like an irresponsible child.

I certainly wouldn't work all day and provide an alcoholic (or smoker) with booze/gags if it meant debt.

Sahd, not sags.

Eh?
You have watched him drink this much every night for 13 years??
Do you get tense when he opens the wine or do you just accept it as normal?

Aside from the drinking and money, he must be like a sack of potatoes with foul morning breath and BO.