childless at 40

[blondie1971]

AIBU when i get upset to read all the newspaper reports about how women are selfish and not having kids, when most of the chaps i have been out with have had kids from previous relationships, and despite being great dads and loving their kids, have split from their partners, and refuse to have any other children - and suddenly i find myself at the age where i have missed out because i didnt think i could crack it as a single mum (as i know from friends how bloody hard it is) but always believed i would meet someone that did want kids before i got too old

Congratulations Gster and partner.

See? It's possible (maybe not the ideal or norm) to have children at 40+.

X partner ;-)

Good post Gster :)

Thinking on it, I know plenty of men in this situation too - several brought to mind by Gsters post, as they have always had this stupid idea of the "ideal" billboard woman -

years down the line, they have realised that they haven't met or if they have, they don't actually get on with the person who is their physical ideal - so now they realise that the woman they do get on with & end up with, is THEIR age & past childbearing, or they have played the field so much, looking for miss perfect, they become a bit of a joke on the relationship front amongst friends & time comes when there are just none out there for them :( - so they have the same dilema in a way - amongst my friends I can think of 5 guys off the top of my head this applies to - yet only 3 women

I was with my ex for 9 years, hoping he would want to start a family. Not wanting to appear like a bunny boiler I would skirt around the subject until it became too much and we would have arguments..... Then when I was 32 he finished with me (he wanted to party take drugs all the rest of it). In the meantime I had forged a very successful career whilst I was waiting around. I appeared to everybody that I was this madly successful career women but I would have given it all up in a heart beat for marriage and children

At 32 (which at the time seemed old?!) I decided what I most wanted was children and I made it a priority to meet someone. it worked met my man at 33 married 34 ds1 at 35 ds2 at 36. Alot can happen in a few years!!

I think my point is that I decided what I wanted and made it a priority and I put all my energy into it ,putting other things (job/family/friends) on the back burner.

ex has just been dumped by his latest girlfriend he is 40 and now lives with his mum....last time I talked to him he told me he was desperate to meet someone and start a family!!!

don't give up OP alot can happy in a short period of time!

OP _ I think you are drawing incorrect generalisations from your own personal experiences which are not borne out in reality, TBH.

SOME women do put off having children or decide never to.

But equally, many women don't.

Some women, like yourself, don't meet Mr Right until time is or has run out which is very sad.

But I don't think it's far to say that all men who are divorced do not want another stab at father hood with another partner. my DH is 56 and in all honesty if I fell under a bus he admits he would be up for another relationship and maybe even more kids, with a younger woman.

These days both men and women often don't complete their education until their early 20s. Both my DCs have just graduated at 22 and there is no way they want to be saddled with the responsibility of parenting until I think, well into their 30s, if at all. And i think that is a very good thing.

You have been unlucky to meet me who won't have another child, but don't think that all men are like that. You still are not too old, so maybe look forward rather than feeling bitter.

OP having seen your last post, i think the reason for your sadness is the feeling of loss of control over your life.

There may be still time.
Why not get some control back?
Go and see a fertility specialist- pay and go privately and you could be seen in a week. Ask about the odds of becoming PG- they will do tests. take it from there.

If there is still time, then set about it like you would for anything you really wanted. Internet date, go out a lot, meet men and be perfectly upfront about what you want! I know men in their 40s who desperately want to be dads too- they are out there!

it may be that it all comes to nothing BUt in your shoes I'd see myself as having a good 2-3 years to have that baby if medically possible. But you need to focus on getting that to happen, not moaning.

Hear hear Cabbageroses....

If OP REALLY wants a child then why not try to go it alone. In this day and age, it's a feasible alternative. And who's to say, having found Mr Right and having a child, that the relationship will last?

She may have "ended up" on her own as a single mum anyway. I'm re-married now but, my ds's dad left when he was 4 as family life turned out not to be for him!

OP, it can be done in your 40s - keep the faith! (Sorry, this will be long).

I'd spent my mid-20s-mid-30s with a husband who turned out to live down to clichés about muslim males. Almost the instant I left him (for many reasons) I wanted to a baby, whilst within the marriage, I'd demurred from the pressure to have one from him, his family, our friends. How glad I was! We would never have agreed on how to raise a child.

I left him the summer I turned 35 and for the next few years was perfectly happy to raise the child on my own. I asked two male friends if they'd be willing to donate swimmers, and they both let me down (they thought, gently), including the platitude "I'm sure you'll meet somebody...".

Well I still hate them for saying that, but the thing is, I did. And, despite my worries about having The Baby Talk before a year without seeing a man-shaped hole in the wall, we stumbled into it in our very first conversation. He'd mentioned he and his ex decided he should have a vasectomy, I blurted out "Oh, that's a damned shame - I'd love you to be the father of my child - you're so handsome and intelligent and tall", and whilst I was mentally dying inside for saying such a thing, he said "I think I can have it reversed". We were inseparable from that moment.

The next few years were good for us, heartbreaking for baby perspective. We had differing levels of help from NHS people, were too old to get IVF, and just didn't get good advice. But finally, when I was 45 and my partner 51, I had our beautiful baby.

We beat all the odds - baby is genetically sound and Downes-free, etc. I got most of my health back and though we'd not as strong or fast as we were in our 20s-30s, we can still do so much compared to some! And our baby is thriving - started walking at 8 months, and is the generally the happiest baby I've even heard of, let alone met.

I suppose it helps that I was raised by grandparents, and my partner's father was blind, so we're used to the concept that parents don't have to be perfect young people with perfect hair.

[Normal] perceptions sucks, and are the cause of most of the miseries of the world. There are so many options for you if you're clever enough to think outside the box and brave enough to face down the judgmentals. We're constantly getting people saying "you put it off for some time" and even if I didn't have the steely gaze and the "actually, we'd been trying since we met, for 7 years" to shut them up, the reality of my gorgeous toddler is enough to get me through anything.

If you want a baby, really want one, you'll find a way, and then you'll make the rest work out for you.

Good luck!

I love this thread, it is part cautionary tale, part hope, part education.

I started to feel the tick tock VERY young at 25, XDH didn't want to have children then until we were more settled practically, emotionally, financially. I couldn't wait. XDH and I are still very close friends and he maintains he may never want children.

I met DH very shortly after. He wanted children but for various reasons wasn't sure whether he and I would overcome our cultural differences. We married when I was 28 and started trying immediately. DS1 came along 9 months later.

I compromised with DH, heavily and in many ways, though I love him, unreliable, irresponsible and on the face of it not the best person to have a child with. As it turns out we are both totally crazy about our son and he is very much the doting dad.

My need to have a baby was so great, I lowered my expectations re husband material considerably. We both want to have a big family and despite the fact we have some fertility issues (I have one tube) we are blessed and have the time left to do so. I have many friends who despite searching did not find a man to settle down with. It is true an awful lot of men view having children as a 'trap' and that it is better to stay single until their late 30s. So sad when women can't find a decent man to have babies with.

My exbf is an excellent example, we are still in touch. He is now 46. I met him when I was 20 and he was 35. He NEVER wanted to settle down, made noises about timing and so on which were all just a cover for commitment phobia. At 44 he decided he was 'ready'. 44???!!! WTF! Is this the norm now?! But he is looking for what? A girl in her 20s (yeah buddy you regret me now haha).

There is so much to be said for taking matters into your own hands, doting though DH is he is not around much and I can feel like de facto LP. I wouldn't change it for the world.

thanks and sorry if i did sound bitter or moany - i was feeling self pitying and could really kick myself up the arse for posting comments before i reflect on them a bit!

much food for thought- thanks again to the ladies and gents who have posted; interesting, informative and lots of things to think about