childless at 40

[blondie1971]

AIBU when i get upset to read all the newspaper reports about how women are selfish and not having kids, when most of the chaps i have been out with have had kids from previous relationships, and despite being great dads and loving their kids, have split from their partners, and refuse to have any other children - and suddenly i find myself at the age where i have missed out because i didnt think i could crack it as a single mum (as i know from friends how bloody hard it is) but always believed i would meet someone that did want kids before i got too old

expat -
For me, it meant divorce and then seeing what might happen. It was very painful.

But I know, in my heart of hearts, it would have been far more painful had I not cut my losses and had a go.

EXACTLY what happened to me too. I completely agree.

I remember at the time though, these long drawn out persuasive discussions with my first husband. Telling him it wouldn't have to change our lives that much, that babies sleep a lot, that I'd do everything in the night, that I'd promise to have no more than one, 'how hard can it be' etc etc...

God, I was a naive fool.

Yanbu not at all. I am in the same boat at 43.

But you can manage financially as a single parent too - i have worked full time prior to DC and subsequently without a break. If you want something badly enough you can make it happen.

I should stress i was a lone parent not through choice but through a complete dick of a partner choosing to up sticks on us. Now i am with Mr Wonderful and we're planning on TTC next year. So even if you ARE a single parent you can still have it all and be very very happy with your lot.

I'm with everyone who's said society's view of men is to blame for this - men don't want to settle until much later, generally speaking, and men who enjoy parenting aren't portrayed well in the media. It's almost as if they want to make the family man out as a wet wimp when actually he is more the man for having responsibilities and being able to share his love with his family. Seems the ideal media man of the century is a single, geeky, wise guy who thinks wearing Lynx will get a goddess to drop at his feet.

Ahem. Sorry, rant over.

I've a friend who used a donor website to have a baby. She opted for NI so she would be able to meet the guy and she is happily pregnant and on her way to being a single mother. She was fed up waiting for a guy who wanted a family and who was responsible both financially and emotionally. A good man these days is hard to find! More and more women are realising that having a relationship doesn't always mean it will be easier than going it alone.

Other option is adoption, although I think it is hard for a single lady who has not been a parent before.

Good luck with it.

I split up from a long term partner at 34. He didnt want children- and I did. I did- but not just with anyone AND i couldnt imagine myself being a single mum... i would have rather NOT had children, then have them with the wrong man or an unknowing man deliberately (ie i wouldnt do the no contraception trap thing).. and am a big believer of the importance of a father to a child. so, in order that I wouldnt panic and just choose anyone, I had my eggs frozen. yup. I am not a super high flying career woman, but I saw it as an insurance policy in case I met a man when I was 40 when my eggs were too old. If I didnt meet anyone, then I wouldnt have used my eggs, and wouldnt have become a mum.

As it turned out, I did meet someone. We have had a child. We havent had to use the eggs and I am 40 now and expecting again.... sooooo its not too late, but it is not the norm to have children over 40..but not impossible.

I totally agree with expat about cutting losses quickly and cleanly with dithering men, however painful it might be. If time is not on our side, then we must act decisively. I would say this to a woman of any age BTW.

YANBU to dislike those silly and unfair articles.

However at 40 you could still try to have a baby via sperm donation if you wish...

Oh, it was awful, my breakup, divorce and subsequent dating. It really was. It physically hurt.

I didn't want to be a single mum, although if people need to go it alone, so be it, it's their decision.

So I thought, and had even a couple in mind, I'll co-parent.

But before that, I decided to go on some redundancy money to the UK, to backpack around for 6 months, to get some space from it all and make sure, this was it, this was the way to become a mother for me. The couple, I knew they were looking, but I said nothing. It was then I met DH and the rest was history.

However if it hadn't panned out with him, I'd have fully gone back and tried to have children with that couple.

There's more than one alternative out there, IMO.

Still, I can remember that utter heartbreak and devestation of splitting with my ex.

I loved him so much. Oh, what a life we had, too. Our standard of living, not in the UK, was very very good.

I suffered horrible PND after all mine were born. I remember my ex boyfriend, a neurosurgeon at a really prominent university in the US, who is bi-polar, visiting me when I was in hospital, one of my few memories, and his saying, 'Oh, I wish you never had to find this place,' and my looking at him with the blankest of stares, I used to be beautiful to look at then, and telling him, 'What are you doing here? You drove me here, you all did, you know. And now I can't go back, for all this. I hate you so much,' and later throwing my passport with my permanent residency at him, 'Saying, 'I got what you wanted but never had. I'll die here. So go away and leave me to it.'' He didn't, and is now better friends with DH than I am with him! :o

But still, I'd not go back.

I have two daughters and one son now, and I am 40. But I still tell them all the time, 'Be true to yourself. There's nothing wrong with you and what you want (provided it's within the bounds of the law, of course, but they're young yet). Only you can make yourself happy, and then it belongs to you.'

If I were you and 40, I'd go it alone.

YANBU I really feel for you; i was beginning to think that I would end up childless but met a very special man....but he had to be really encouraged to start a family and reminded by me each birthday....you do know I am now 35 plus and the stats are......anyway he is now an amazing father and i find motherhood the most fulfilling part of my life so far.

I just want to encourage you with out ignoring the well known stats on childbirth after 40. Of my friends more than 50% are over 40 having their first.Only one used an egg doner( 48).
Their ages are
47
48
41
42 (Two friends)
40

But I know it is about finding the partner...so I would just get really focused on that. Join internet sites, go on loads of dates, let all your friends know you are up for blind dates. The fact is there will be some great childless men out there who could come into your orbit but it is a numbers game. I was single from 27 to 34 and met a right assortment of immature non husband material blokes and then i got ruthless and just decided not to compromise, stay single till i met soime one who blew me away....and so far am living pretty happily ever after.

If you want a child, you can make it happen. You are not too old. Be positive and get there and find a great man. They are out there, you just have to 'source' one!

I wish you only the best!

YADNBU But as a child of a single parent I wouldn't encourage you to go it alone. My mother was brilliant and did her best for us, but it was very hard on her and not an good situation for child rearing. If you get put in the position of choosing between staying in a bad relationship and single parenthood, single parenthood is the way to go. But I wouldn't recommend doing it by choice - though I realise that means denying yourself something you desperately want.

I waited - I did everything right. Life chose to deal me a shit card. Fine - can deal with that part.

Then you get the media, and society at large who validate a woman's worth by the product of their uterus and the assumptions that go with it. Because mine doesn't work - it obviously doesn't work because I'm a selfish cow, who wants to blow all my money on high living, posh holidays and designer clothes, who spends every Monday calling in sick with hangovers and generally lives a high-life one level below that of a WAG. Yeah - right.

I could have had a child back in my mid-20s, to an abusive man (why is it that bastards have super sperm) - in a relationship underpinned by violence, threats, stalking of his previous exes, drinking to excess, the house being smashed up and constant infidelity. I chose not to - felt bad having my CAT in that situation, let alone a child.... yet now I'm constantly judged and punished by society for making that responsible choice and waiting till I was with the right man.

It's hard as hell fighting the perception and sneers that your life is meaningless, that you're less as a person, and definitely as a woman - that you don't matter, that you've failed... and then to be smugly told (and this is the one that does make me want to punch people very hard in the face) "oooh you're selfish because who's going to look after you when you're old"... to my mind - hysterical panic and wanting an old age security scheme is NO reason to bring a child into the world (just watched a family friend's kids leave him to rot and die in intensive care then crawl out of the woodwork for the inheritance).... you feel like you've been punished for being responsible I guess.

Having said all that - I don't regret NOT rushing into the hysterical clock is running out must have a baby game. I think it takes a strong person (hell we have all the strong person to be mums - time to big up the other side for once) to walk the path less trodden within society, fight the preconceptions and thinly veiled insults, and to think through their path through life rather than just stumbling along with expectations.

The Daily Mail articles have made me cry on more than one occasion though - and I'd love scientists to investigate my "bastards have super sperm" hypothesis (the abusive man I mentioned fathered his first child at 13 and has 4 that I know about - considering he's a habitual liar, I suspect that number can be doubled comfortably).

I know that people do end up as single parents sometimes but I think that times have really changed if it's now seen as the 'norm' to plan for single parenthood and personally I think it's a bit selfish, all about the woman's/man's wants, with no thought to the child's needs. I really think children need two parents, male, female, whatever combination, but TWO. :(

Personally I think the two parents family is a social Western construct of the last 50 years, just like the man goes out to work/woman stay home to look after the children one. What about children who are born to men who are away at war? Or children whose fathers work such long hours they barely see them? Or societies where men have multiple wives?

And why is two the right number if you're willing to admit gay couples are as adept at raising children as straight ones? Why not question the whole theory behind a 'couple' raising a child too?

YANBU at all. I have a number of friends in the same position and a few who did meet someone in their mid-thirties, but are having trouble conceiving.

I think the pressure on women nowadays is huge. I don't think women 'want to have it all' as a lot of articles suggest. I think a lot of women want what they have always wanted, which is to be in a committed relationship and to bring up a family.

Oh and also, I don't think 40 is too late to have a child. I had my first at 38 and second at a month shy of 40.

ChristinedePizan... To me, two is the right number. My Mum was a 'single parent' and found it intolerably difficult, both financially and emotionally. I guess that would be the same if a parent was away at war or bereaved. I found myself knowing more about life's problems than I should have as a child, and I think that a second parent is more important than ever with the pressures today.

I don't have any thoughts on the combination of parents, just the number needed and I couldn't give a fig for the 'theory', it's my personal view. :)

YANBU.

40 is definitely not too late to have a child, but why wait for the "right man" and "right relationship"? Two of my friends are lesbians and have each found the "right man" in the shape of gay men who want children. Both friends have DC now and these DC live with them but the two gay fathers have active roles to play in the DC's lives. Both lesbian friends work fulltime and childcare is shared between fathers and nursery/CM and gay fathers contribute financially. DC are thriving and very happy and the mothers feel supported.

blondie, think about it this way. 40 is not too old. If you dont want to have a child MORE than you want to be a single mum, then you possibly dont want it enough, so fret no more. (possibly not helpful)

YANBU. I respect that you decided that being a single parent wasn't for you, and that you 'held out' for the right guy to be a father to any child/ren you had. And I feel sad for you that you have reached 40 without finding a man you feel comfortable to have a child with.

But its not too late, please don't give up hope. Donor sperm, fostering, or who knows what lies around the corner for you - Mr Right (if there is such a thing!) could be just waiting to be found by you.

I'm not a great feminism campaigner, nor do I have strong opinions on how men and women have come to be in the current balance of power/opportunity situation. That's not to say I don't have views on rights etc, its just that I don't feel sufficiently knowledgeable to debate on that subject. (A teeny bit embarrassed to type this paragraph, but its the truth).

I was in a similar position to you. had my heart broken at a young age, couldn't face dating and then found myself un-dateable (me, not you!!!). resigned myself to a life without partner and/or child but was surrounded with friends and fulfilling experiences. I wasn't a career driven woman who 'left it too late', I just didn't find myself in the right situation to have a child.

To make matters worse, I knew that I had poor fertility and my chances were slim even if I were with a partner.

Fortunately, at 38 I met a wonderful man (by accident) and fell pregnant at 39 (he reckons he has super-sperm to overcome my fertility issues). I had my DD a few weeks before I turned 40. No chance of further children.

I fully respect your choices, and feel your sadness at your current situation.

And, like you, I despise those articles that knock childless and 40 women by saying they've been selfish in their decisions.

Lying, I don't find it difficult at all - either emotionally or financially. But then I would imagine the difference between your mother and me lyingwitch is that I planned and chose to become a single parent and feel immensely blessed to have my DS. I don't expect him to be my support or share any worries and I'm sorry that happened to you.

In the same way all marriages/long term relationships are not the same, not all single parents are the same. I have several friends who were brought up by lone mothers and have been hugely supportive of my choice.

ChristinedePizan... When I initially read your post just now, I was thinking to myself that, you're probably right, because you've made that choice you know what's what and you only have yourself to rely on. If you have other people who can input to your son's life, whoever they are, then all the better.

I don't know how old you are but my Mum was 22 when she had me and there were four of us, under 6, and she was essentially alone as my dad was (and is) useless as a father. He was a gambler, barely worked and we almost lost the house; we would have but for a bank error.

Anyway, my judgement has obviously been clouded by being the eldest of four with a very worried Mum. I can't help thinking that if my Mum had done the same as you, she actually might have been better off. :)

YANBU at all

Thanks Lying and sorry that you had such a tough time - sounds awful :( Your mum must have felt so alone and bitter at the life she had not being what she signed up for. Still, that doesn't make it any easier on your life as a child, however understanding you can be as an adult.

I was 42 when I had my DS (and chose to have no more as I don't think I could cope with more than one without an army of nannies which isn't what I wanted) and am financially pretty comfortable. We have a very supportive family and lots of friends. I had thought about it a fair bit over the years but it was only when they changed the anonymity rules that I decided to go for it as it's really important to me that my DS has the ability to trace his father and any siblings should he want to when he's older.