childless at 40

[blondie1971]

AIBU when i get upset to read all the newspaper reports about how women are selfish and not having kids, when most of the chaps i have been out with have had kids from previous relationships, and despite being great dads and loving their kids, have split from their partners, and refuse to have any other children - and suddenly i find myself at the age where i have missed out because i didnt think i could crack it as a single mum (as i know from friends how bloody hard it is) but always believed i would meet someone that did want kids before i got too old

ChristinedePizan... We had nice times too, and we're a very close family now so it all worked out in the end.

Your homelife sounds great! It just goes to show, these things can't be generalised, they just can't. Different circumstances, different arrangements, they work fantastically for some, and not at all for others. :)

My ex swanned off into the sunset when I was 7 months, leaving me with no option but to go it alone. Turns out my bubs has special needs & yes it's hard sometimes.

If I could turn back the clock would I do it again? Absolutely!!!!!!! In fact my 5 year plan concludes with long term fostering/adoption if everything goes as I'd like (never any guarantees). (My son's sen make me wary of introducing a second adult to the household, & dating is summat I don' have the opportunity to try, yet I'd love to have the chance to nurture more children.)He's taught me just how precious EVERY child is, so I'll go for older kids, perhaps those with behavioral issues if my research shows me I can handle the challenge.

As an adult you take responsiility for your OWN actions. If a partner of 10 years standing says they don't know if they want children, remember men can change their minds in their 60's and have a child with a nubile 20 somehing. Take responsibiliy, either accept a childless relationship or leave. Don't sit there winging until you are the wrong side of the hot flushes & then lose all that makes your spirit beautiful in a sea of bitterness.

Life isn't fair, never has been & never will be, some women have always been barren, abandoned, widowed, cheated on etc throughout history. Princess Diana started with the fairy tale but her story didn't end happily, others meet their soul mate at 16 and are together 60 years +. Lone parents were very common after both world wars without the state support available today, yet they coped. Very few people get the adoring hubby in the home counties, private schooling, a pony & a white picket fence.

There's a lot to be said for learning to be content with what life gives you and learning to adapt your expectations to what is actually achievable for you. If that means deciding at 40 to go it alone - go for it! You are old enough to do the sums & arrange a decent support network of friends/family etc in case you fall ill/feel overwhelmed at any time.

Do agree with what previous posters have said about men though, there's a season for everything and trying to carry on like a teenager in you late 30's/early 40's is pathetic. I'm trying to give my own son as great a childhood as I can, so that when that time passes he is able to move onto adulthood, embracing rather than cowering from the responsibilities adulthood brings. I'm also looking forward to my own "purple leggings phase" and baking my Grandkids yummy cakes ; )

'Society' expects completely contradictory things from women now, we are supposed to be at university, then forging a career, contributing etc, all during our most fertile years. If we ha e children younger (ie early 20ies when we are most fertile) we have eyebrows raised at us, but 'leave it too late' and it is our fault too. I had dd at 29 and was the first if my group of friends to have a baby. I have had many comments from them about them feeling too young, not bein ready to give up their lives yet etc, but to many 29 seems old.

Doomed if you do, doomed if you don't.

if you've reached the age of 40 and you desperately want a child then I would say to go it alone.

You might meet the love of your when you're 55 - and you might have 25 wonderful years together - but it will be too late to have kids.

You can only have children within a certain time frame - and you're coming to the end of it - but you can find love at any stage in life.

YANBU, society now expects us to party all through our 20s and then magically settle down at 30 and pop out a boy and a girl. It doesn't always happen that way and I definitely agree it is mainly the blokes to blame.

If you miss that window in your early 30s still looking for someone or after you've dumped/been dumped by the long-term boyfriend who turns out not to want kids (though he may well have them within a year or two within someone else) then the odds just get worse and worse as men your age increasingly date down the age chain. (and the older ones already have kids, as the OP says)

It's a tragic state of affairs. Sadly, birth control is also to blame - it is a blessing and curse in controlling our biological destiny, at the risk of not fulfilling it at all.

YANBU

I preferred to marry a w/c man for this reason. Middle class men are often a bunch of selfish wusses who come over all adolescent at the thought of having kids before they've started to get old, fat and bald.

Perhaps part of the whole issue is that men are now expected to contribute in a meaningful way to child rearing and that scares them. In previous generations a man could have children without his life really changing - the wife would do all the hard work while he still had a career and a social life. Nowadays (and quite rightly too) they're expected to step up and be an actual parent and a lot of men don't want that. It might take a few more generations of boys seeing their dads being parents before men can accept their new role.

On the other side of things, so many women seem to be convinced that there's no rush when it comes to kids. That's just not true. It's a biological fact that as you get older having kids gets harder and women really need to take that into account when they're evaluating relationships and career choices. I have a friend who is 33 and married and would really love to have kids. She's in the middle of a training course that will end next year and has decided to put ttc off until then. She'll be nearly 35 then. I think that's a bit crazy but I haven't said that to her as it's her decision of course. I know 35 isn't old by any stretch of the imagination but having seen other people go through years of IVF I would hate for her to have missed her chance. She has everything set up - money, fantastic marriage etc and plans on being a SAHM but she feels absolutely compelled to see her career plans through to the end before she has a child. She reckons she'll regret not finishing the course but I think she'll regret not having a child sooner a lot lot more. I'm not saying this is true of all women but I have come across a lot of women who seem to push down their desire to have children as it's not compatible with what society expects them to be - ie high-flying career women having a great time.

Society seems to send the message that you have all the time in the world to do anything but that not the case. The younger you have kids (within reason) the younger you'll be a grandmother. I know this is a strange thing to think about but I see my 56 year old, healthy strong mum enjoying my DS and I know that's what I want too. My aunt had her first at 33, which by today's standards is young, and now she wishes she had started younger (she was married for 5 years before that) as she would have liked to have a fourth child but feels she is too old now at 41. It seems to be taboo to talk about age and getting older but it's a fact that the older you get the harder it gets, even if you're in a relationship and have no fertility problems, and women should be made aware of this so that they don't lose out.

whilst most people, myself included, will know of at least one person who achieved pregnancy naturally in their 40's don't be fooled that it is easy/of the norm'. i tried for No. 2 for 7 years from the moment pretty much i turned 40 and after nearly 7 years have given up, had some failed treatments too. my fertility just disappeared at 40, mind you, i am the only one out of the people i know who did not achieve a pregnancy in her 40's so i got the impression it was easy for most but i had just pulled the short straw in that dept. my advice to anyone who really wanted a child would be if you haven't found the right partner, assuming that was your ideal plan, go it alone, easy for me to say as i got married at 35 but i think i would have had i not have found him. best of luck

My partner and I split when I was pregnant. I was 42 when I became a mum. If you want to be a parent then do it. In this day and age we have never had so many opportunities to become parents - either in couples or alone.

WoD - very true about being a grandmother. If my son takes as long as it took me to have a child, I'll be 76. My brother started young and made my mum a grandmother at 48 or so. His eldest is 18 now and my mother has been a major part of her life. I am very unlikely to experience anything like that.

I also agree about your friend - until I had my first miscarriage at 35 I thought I had all the time in the world. Cue further miscarriages and a series of failed IVFs until we got lucky. Plus, most people don't want just one child - they want two or more so couples need to factor that in as well.

YANBU.

I am a lone parent, I was 27 when I fell pregnant, never wanted children but I know now had I not had a child, I'd have been very very upset, especially reading the tripe out there.

However, I would never choose to bring a baby into the world without a father. The guilt, the struggle, the pain, the explainations are tough. My daughter thinks every man is a 'daddy' because she sees them with their children, the guilt I feel is immense.

BUT, if I was 40, and without a child? Those reasons wouldn't even factor I don't think. Having my DD was a selfish decision, the best bloody decision, but I'm the one who will have to explain my decision to her, and why she hasn't a daddy.

These articles are soul destroying though, absolutely.

YANBU

I preferred to marry a w/c man for this reason. Middle class men are often a bunch of selfish wusses who come over all adolescent at the thought of having kids before they've started to get old, fat and bald.

100% agree with this.

thank you all so much for your responses

as one of you rightly pointed out, i am not sure if i want a child more than i dont want to have to go it alone, cos i am not sure i would be strong enough to do it, however i hate the shit that seems to be considered about me just because i dont have a kid - making me feel somehow inferior, selfish, and now i know the body clock may have (well it has really) gone past the vital stage - a bit scared.

i always used to have the attitude when younger if it happens it happens and is meant to be, but now am somehow made to feel like a selfish bitch and as i get older, and it becomes less unlikely, it makes me feel worse. am also sick of being told no one will look after me when i get older etc etc; die alone you childless wicked woman. sorry am feeling quite low

i think what makes me more cross is how the 3 or 4 blokes i have met over the past 15 years have had kids when in late teens or early twenties, know how wonderful it is to have them, but not interested in having any more (their choice i know)

but have found myself as "dad's girlfriend" in these relationships and apart from most recent rel. always got on bril with the kids, makes it harder sometimes

I've got plenty of single mum friends who have been left holding the baby after being married or in a serious relationship for years. Having a partner to start with doesn't mean that you won't have to go it alone...

Just food for thought anyway :) Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

No noe should make you feel inferior for not having children. There is nothing any of us can do worse for this planet as have children (although mumsnet is not the place for me to say that but it's true) and I am the worst offender with 5. I was lucky enough to marry at 21 and I did want babies from mid teens and always prioritise it and my career - I have always worked full time.

I see your post from the other way around. I talk to some men as I'm single and the baby issue comes up and it comes up as a relief to them because I'm in my late 40s and had my children and I think not a single one I've spoken to wants children if they'ae had none or want no more if they've already had them - exactly as you say and some specifically say they ahve stopped going out with women in their 30s because of the baby issue, baby pressure. That's a shame. What is good is most of them are clear about it rather than having some poor woman hanging on for 3 or 4 year siwth them from age 34 - 39 whilst her ferility plummets and there is she thinking he is going to be the father of her babies when he never will. As someone says go for someone younger and you're not likely to get that issue or problem.

YANBU at all, hideous articles. 40 is not too old though! I was married for many years and waited for my H to be ready for a child. He left me during my planned pregnancy and I am now the single mother I never expected to be. It did make me realise that we didn't need a man though and I went on to adopt another child. I don't yet have all the children I wanted and will happily adopt or do DI in order to complete my family. Don't wait for someone else to fulfil your dreams!

As others have said, we're damned if we do, damned if we don't.

I had DS at age 25 and he was a planned baby. Both DH and I wanted children young-ish and didn't want to wait as we were £ ready and in a good place emotionally. I got some faces from my peers when I told them I was pregnant, some even screwed up their faces and one said she wouldn't be having a child for a long time as her "time is too important to waste with a baby."!!!!!

When I challenged my friends on this they were heavily of the assumption that whenever they fancied having a baby in about 10 years+ time it would just magically happen the first time they had unprotected sex. The concept of fertility issues, declining rates of fertility as one ages etc just were not in their minds at all.

OP - YANBU, there truly is no perfect right or wrong path in this matter.

i love being a single mummy. yes at times it can be harder but its not worth missing out on having a child, ds is by far the best thing to ever happen to me. look in to other options if you feel this is what you really want

it was not what i planned for my life, i am lucky not to have too many financial worries and i get on with the ex. being a single parent can be good, after a hard few years (due to the ex being a twat) life is really very good. i am now at uni, i am 38 and feel no need to have a relationship (a single not wanting commitment sex god would be nice)

FreudianSlipper...Love the screen name. Good luck in your search for S.G

I also would advise women to go it alone rather than be childless and don't let age put you off! I am 44 and gave birth at age 43 to a healthy baby boy. Yes the world is not perfect, as the boy does not have a father present, but I have the support of my parents and friends.

I too have been blamed for putting my career first, but actually I just did not find a partner and kept hoping for the right one to show up. In the end, I just went the single route. If I had not become pregnant I would have adopted a child for sure.

Yeah, and one thing about being a single mother (I became one when dc2 was 1) is that it becomes easier, and less of a big deal as you get back to a balance between the other things in life and parenthood. I'm still single, but beginning to feel like i can get out of life whatever any other childfree adult can.... ok less money, and fewer holidays, and more responsibility! but STILL.

Be a lone parent, I did find a partner in my late 30s and did manage to just have 2 DC but we didn't have enough time as just a couple but we weren't willing to risk not being able to have children - this happened to a friend who told as to conceive ASAP and I gave birth nearly on my first wedding anniversary. I had made a decision that if I hadn't found a partner by the time I was 40 I would go it alone, I would have had the job/funds to do it - much harder than my current life but DC are wonderful, and very precious when you thought you weren't going to have them at all.

However, my decision would have been based on the fact that I was a high earner and I could financially fund all the help I needed as I know I would have had no family support. If you have family support for childcare and emotional support then money isn't so important.

my sister is considering going it alone. she is 37 and single. she has always wanted a child but just hasn't met the right person. we are an extremely close family so she will not be really going it alone IYSWIM. I don't know how women really do go it alone, i take my hat off to them.

the thing about going it alone though is surely anyone who has a child is taking the risk of going it alone, relationships fall apart, god forbid but, people die. would it make any difference if a woman used sperm donation rather than be in a couple that falls apart? the one advantage of intentionally going it alone is that it was your choice and you had really thought about if and how you could do it. I don't buy the whole denying the child a father thing. Many many women have children with partners who eventually feck off never to be heard of again and do a damn good job raising their kids, others have partners who turn out to be a waste of good air. I think one happy loving parent is better for a child than two parents who can't stand the sight of each other and just grow more bitter.

writerof dreams

totally agree with you in that too few women understand that their biological clock plays such a big role. It only really hit me at age 41 that OMG, there's not much time left to have a child. Pretty late, huh!
Knowing now how dramatically a woman's fertility drops after age thirty five, and every year after, and how long it takes to establish a stable relationship, the alarm bells should have been ringing a lot earlier. Men in many cases also prefer younger women if they are looking for a partner to have children with. I trusted in a higher power that all will be well but in the end had to go it alone. There was just a lack of awareness of the issues at stake. Or perhaps an unwillingness to face reality. You just keep hoping, that your ideal partner will turn up!

I would add that Internet dating is a godsend here - you don't have to spend weeks flirting with men who then reveal life-threatening nappy allergies, you can just check what they've said about children on their profile and cross them off the list.
I have a couple of mates on the cusp of their forties who went from first date to labour ward in no time flat (and with lovely blokes too) thanks to Guardian Soulmates.

But YANBU, I don't know any women who've delayed having children because of their careers or partying, it's all about the men.