To not speak to my mum, ex or good mate again until I have gotten over it.

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

DD's 6th birthday party yesterday. Was a joint party with her best friend and hall was hired, along with a disco etc lasting 2 hours.

My mum: She said way back along during the initial stages that she would drive down and help with the party (she lives 100 miles away). A couple of weeks ago, she rung to ask what date the party was, and when I asked why, it turns out that my sister and had boyfriend were going up to visit mum this weekend. But mum still assures me that she will be down to help for the party even if it's just a day trip.

I then find out that DD's dance and swimming classes start on the day and, as they are in the morning and party not until the afternoon, I asked mum if she would be able to take DD so that I could help set up the party and also it keeps DD occupied and not getting over excited etc. Mum agrees, but says that she will leave her house at 7am to arrive here in time to take DD to classes. I ask why she doesn't just come down the night before and there is umming and ahhing but ultimately says she'll just drive down in the morning. Great, I am extremely grateful to mum for doing this, and I was able to get on with it yesterday. Then mum arrives with DD just before the party starts, and before I know it, mum says she's going back now. I sort of look at her as if to say "what" and she says she's tired, it would be a long day if she stayed etc etc. I didn't argue with her and she left, but I just felt really hurt that she didn't want to stay for her only GD's party. Am I being over sensitive and should I be more grateful?

The ex: Obviously I told DD's dad about the party. He lives in the same town as us. He saw her the day after her actual birthday and said he would bring up her present to the party. He arrived an hour after the party started whilst the kids were eating. And left 15 minutes before the end, but didn't help with anything such as clearing the tables, preparing the cakes and party bags etc. (It also slightly irked me that he had bought the presents that morning considering her birthday was last week and it's been the same date every year for the past 6 years but at least he got her something so ...)

Good Mate: Have known him for 15 years. DD adores him. Told him about the party to which he said he'd come. Ring him up just before it starts "oh sorry I forgot" fair enough, it's not his DD and he was going to be there for support. He promises he will be there at some point though. Well he doesn't turn up at all. He does try to ring a couple of times later saying he had some stuff with work, but he's let me down so many times in the past before, and also I know he was at the pub all day yesterday so I'm just fed up of him doing this to me.

I felt so alone yesterday and have to say that the other mums who were there along with the other birthday girl's parents and grandparents were absolutely fantastic and the party was amazing and DD had a fantastic time, but I just feel very hurt by the above people.

I don't know whether I'm being biased as it's so important to me as it's my DD and therefore really important to me and perhaps not so important to the others.

So I'm ready for it - AIBU?

Your ex is a prat but you know that - presumably that's why he's an ex. Must still hurt when he lets your dd down, though.

Your Mum's behaviour is a bit odd but maybe she was knackered? She's done you a favour so unfortunately I think you just have to put up with her not being at the party. It's a 6yo's birthday party, won't appeal to all grandparents. (I don't expect grandparents to come to ds's parties any more - they used to come when he was a baby/toddler but large numbers of small children are just a bit much for them now. Same deal with my nieces and nephews - grandparents come round on another day near their birthday.)

Your friend isn't much of a friend. Why are you putting up with someone who keeps letting you down?

I think you are being a bit unfair on your mum who drove 200 miles (not a cheap excursion, or a quick one), and DID help you out.

Your ex is your ex for a reason, and isnt worth stressing over. At least he showed his face.

Your mate, well yes, he let you down but in fairness, a little girls birthday party is probably not his idea of a fun afternoon, and he probably assumed you were busy with the kids, the party, and were surrounded by plenty of other mums too.

You should never have had a party whereby you are relying on your mum to drive 100 miles to help. You should have chosen a party that you were capable of organising and hosting yourself. It's not as if you were on your own as it was a joint party so presumably there were another set of parents to help. Exactly how much organising do you need?

DD's dad, well I doubt it came as a shock that he wasnt very helpful so again you shouldnt have relied on him.

As for your male friend, why on earth would he be interested in a kids party anyway? Hell on earth, bad enough when it's your own kids.

I can understand why your ex bought her present that morning, I mean why not? The party was not until that day so he knew he did not have to get it before then. He is your ex for a reason so expecting him to help was perhaps wishful thinking on your part.

How old is your mum? She drove down at 7am and whilst in hindsight she should have stayed she did have a 2 hour drive to get back, she would have been too tired.

Re your friend, it isn't his child and if he has no children of his own being at a kids party would probably have been too much.

Sorry but when you have kids as a single parent you learn to manage alone, I think you expected too much from those concerned and should have just managed alone, which you did and a good time was had by all, so no harm done.

You can't help how you feel, but have a reality check. The party went well, DD enjoyed herself, your mum was totally bushed (LOOOOOONG ass journey), and had done you a favour, your ex made the effort at least, and your friend probably didn't even think you'd be bothered about his non-appearence, and that you'd be too busy to talk and he'd have to stand there like a plod.

YABU.

To be fair, yes mum did help me out and I do really appreciate that but at the same time, as with all of them, I would have much preferred if they had all said they couldn't come/couldn't help etc and then that way I would have known where I stood rather than what happened if you know what I mean.

If mum had said that she couldn't come down as my sister was now visiting her, I would have been fine with that, yes slightly disappointed but understanding and even told her it was ok she didn't need to come down but she was the one who said "no I said I'd help so I will".

Same with the friend, when I rang him and he said he'd forgotten, then fine I would have been ok with that, rather than him saying he'd still come and not.

I think that's what hurts the most, that they'd said they would then didn't follow through.

And yea, no surprises with the ex.

Edam - whilst he's an arse and lets me down, for every time that he's let me down, he's also been there for me too.

Your mother did help, she left her house at 7am, surely to christ after a two hour drive and taking your daughter somewhere you can understand she is now tired. She probably intended to help but had not realised just how tired it would make her, she also had a 2 hour drive back. You are being unreasonable.

Your friend probably intended to come and then got side tracked, it happens.

There is nothing wrong with feeling disappointed and let down, it sucks but I wouldn't not talk to them tbh. I think it's just a case of smiling on through.

I'm a single parent, I understand that it can be lonely, and it's isolating, but it's what we do

What exactly did your poor mother not do to comply with your wishes? SHe drove down, she took your daughter out, she brought her to the party? You sound bloody ungrateful to be honest. And now you dont want to speak to her?????

Did you ask your ex to come and help with the party? If you did, and he just drifted in right at the end and didn't help at all, then you are utterly reasonable to be upset with him, but if you didn't ask, and just hoped he would realise how much work the party involved and offer to help of his own bat, then you are being a bit unreasonable about it. He should have given her her present on her birthday, though - you are completely reasonable to be cross about that!

Some people just don't stop to think about the work that is involved in a party - it just happens, as far as they are concerned - and it sounds like your ex might well be like this - oblivious to the work involved - and if this is the case, you have two choices - you can either wait and hope that he will realise what needs doing, and offer to help, and then (maybe unreasonably) get cross when he doesn't, or you can be clear about what needs doing - tell him what you want and expect from him for his dd (party help, clearing up, present on her birthday etc) - then if he doesn't do this, you have every right to be cross with him.

But if your mum had pulled out altogether then wouldn't you be more pissed off? And at least you got time to do the prep without your DD being around. I wouldn't dream of asking a bloke without kids to help out at a kids party tbh!

You are definitely being very unreasonable about your mum: she travelled all that way, leaving at 7am, and looked after your dd until the party. You should be very grateful - she'd had a long day and a long drive ahead of her. I can imagine the last thing she'd want is to be stuck in a hall with noisy kids for two more hours after that, then she'd have had to clear up with you, with the drive still ahead of her... YWBU. You should thank your stars she did what she did.

Sorry x-posted.

Fabby mum's only(? - is it only?) 55 so far from the little old lady with a walking stick.

And I do manage all of the time on my own, but when help is offered I do like to take it up.

Also, your mum was probably trying to be fair between both daughters, didn't want to cancel your sister but didn't want to let you down.

Yabu

why are adults expected to join your dds birthday?

55 is still old enough to find long drives and looking after a 6 year old knackering. In addition she probably wanted to get back to get things ready for her guests.

She really put herself out for you, your ingratitude is staggering.

Thank you Careyfake, and I do appreciate that she probably didn't want to let either of us down, but again I still would have preferred her just to say that she couldn't make it.

Good mate and ex, it's up to you.
With regards to not speaking to your mother, sonsidering how immature your response has been to her support, I think YANBU. Don't contact her until you have recovered completely from your tantrum.
And next time, you should know when your daughter's classes start. Your mother made a choice about the help, either DD at classes or being there to help set up. She's done a lot of juggling this week end to suit both of her daughters.

So that you could create even more reason to want to have a sulk?

Look at it this way, you have already got 3 separate people on your list that you are miffed with for separate and rather petty reasons. It is saying more about you than them to be honest.

You sound hard work and demanding.

Heaps of squealing 6 year olds, yuk yuk yuk

I don't blame your mum, I don't blame your friend (except he shouldn't have said he would be there) and your ex did come and see your daughter so as far as she was concerned, all was good.

You're too demanding.

'I still would have preferred her just to say that she couldn't make it.'

And have you pout that she's said she'd come before her other daughter chipped in?

You sound to me as though you are feeling vulnerable at the moment. Was the split recent?

Hold off on acting on your feelings of hurt. My opinion is that you're bringing other stuff into your response - worries about being a single parent, worries about being isolated, sadness about your relationship, worries about your relationships with others.

Think that your dm did a lot, and was probably tired - be happy about the fact she committed to a 100 mile drive - you are appreciated. Again, your friend did come - that's pretty good for the childless, you know! I think we'd all like to have unconditional love and support from our friends, but it's not realistic, and your friend sounds as though he makes an effort, within the limits of his imaginative sympathy - and he may well turn out to be excellent for providing time-away-from-children social activities -- the time for that will come. Your ex-, well, that;s going to be difficult, probably, it ususally is, if only because it is often an emotionally difficult situation.

Don't judge your life by what you seem to see around you - who knows what the future will bring. Sounds as though the event was quite high stress - you don't need to set such high standards for yourself - I'm sure you're doing fine for your dd. Have a lovely day, enjoying the sunshine.

Fair enough, perhaps I am too ungrateful and demanding then

Sorry but I wouldn't dream of inviting a single male friend to a kids' birthday party. He'd have been bored out of his tree, but he should, to be fair, have turned down the invite in the first place.

I think your mum did a lot for you, she will have paid about £40 for petrol plus got up really early plus took your dd out plus all the driving time - I think she did well.

I think your mum did a lot to help you - she was obviously up at 6am, had a 2 hour drive to get to you, and tbh was probably knackered, and knowing she had another 2 hour drive home sensibly left before she got too tired. I don't think you should be unhappy with her for doing that - she obviously wanted to help you out, (and did - she just didnt give you ALL the help you wanted) and probably had hoped she would be able to stay for the party.

Ex - as has been said, do you expect much more from him? I know that my Ex would never go to one of my DSs partys, he never got involved with them when we were together so I certainly wouldn't expect more from him now.

Friend - I have several male friends. I can't think of any of them who would be interested in coming to a party for my DSs, other than those who are in relationships with my female friends (and would be coming as a couple/family). A room of 6 year old disco dancing girls hyped up on sugar is not something most blokes would rush to attend, so am not surprised he didn't turn up. I can understand you being annoyed he wasn't more honest BUT I don't think I would have expected him to be there, even if he said he was going.