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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not speak to my mum, ex or good mate again until I have gotten over it.

66 replies

GreatBallsOfFluff · 01/05/2011 12:01

DD's 6th birthday party yesterday. Was a joint party with her best friend and hall was hired, along with a disco etc lasting 2 hours.

My mum: She said way back along during the initial stages that she would drive down and help with the party (she lives 100 miles away). A couple of weeks ago, she rung to ask what date the party was, and when I asked why, it turns out that my sister and had boyfriend were going up to visit mum this weekend. But mum still assures me that she will be down to help for the party even if it's just a day trip.

I then find out that DD's dance and swimming classes start on the day and, as they are in the morning and party not until the afternoon, I asked mum if she would be able to take DD so that I could help set up the party and also it keeps DD occupied and not getting over excited etc. Mum agrees, but says that she will leave her house at 7am to arrive here in time to take DD to classes. I ask why she doesn't just come down the night before and there is umming and ahhing but ultimately says she'll just drive down in the morning. Great, I am extremely grateful to mum for doing this, and I was able to get on with it yesterday. Then mum arrives with DD just before the party starts, and before I know it, mum says she's going back now. I sort of look at her as if to say "what" and she says she's tired, it would be a long day if she stayed etc etc. I didn't argue with her and she left, but I just felt really hurt that she didn't want to stay for her only GD's party. Am I being over sensitive and should I be more grateful?

The ex: Obviously I told DD's dad about the party. He lives in the same town as us. He saw her the day after her actual birthday and said he would bring up her present to the party. He arrived an hour after the party started whilst the kids were eating. And left 15 minutes before the end, but didn't help with anything such as clearing the tables, preparing the cakes and party bags etc. (It also slightly irked me that he had bought the presents that morning considering her birthday was last week and it's been the same date every year for the past 6 years but at least he got her something so ...)

Good Mate: Have known him for 15 years. DD adores him. Told him about the party to which he said he'd come. Ring him up just before it starts "oh sorry I forgot" fair enough, it's not his DD and he was going to be there for support. He promises he will be there at some point though. Well he doesn't turn up at all. He does try to ring a couple of times later saying he had some stuff with work, but he's let me down so many times in the past before, and also I know he was at the pub all day yesterday so I'm just fed up of him doing this to me.

I felt so alone yesterday and have to say that the other mums who were there along with the other birthday girl's parents and grandparents were absolutely fantastic and the party was amazing and DD had a fantastic time, but I just feel very hurt by the above people.

I don't know whether I'm being biased as it's so important to me as it's my DD and therefore really important to me and perhaps not so important to the others.

So I'm ready for it - AIBU?

OP posts:
Goblinchild · 01/05/2011 12:35

'the other mums who were there along with the other birthday girl's parents and grandparents were absolutely fantastic and the party was amazing and DD had a fantastic time'

That's the important bit. Are you going to spoil it by not talking to grandma and father?

bustersmummy · 01/05/2011 12:37

My ex didn't come to DD's party AT ALL and he was invited.

He also didn't give her her present until over a week after her birthday.

But that is his loss, his decision and ultimately it'll come back and bite him on the arse.

My parents were both invited to the party. They chose not to attend. They live 5 miles away. No other siblings local (my brother lives abroad). They posted DD a card with money in it.

Again, their loss, their decision and it'll come back and bite them.

My best mate, who is a bloke and has no kids, turned up early, rescued spiderman (don't ask) let the wee girls paint his nails and generally acted like the first class top notch bloke he is.

Everyone's different.

Life's too short.

Try, as best as you can, to let it go.

CheshireDing · 01/05/2011 12:39

Your Mum helped and was then knackered, your ex is rude and shit and your best friend probably didn't fancy it but didn't want to say so.

Hurtful but people are a bit rubbish sometimes and don't think anything of it, also as a separate issue if your best male friend is gay they are really terrible at arriving on time / replying to things from my own experiences but they will be there if you really need them - don't think 6 year olds birthday party counts as that though :)

Original poster
GreatBallsOfFluff · 01/05/2011 12:41

"'the other mums who were there along with the other birthday girl's parents and grandparents were absolutely fantastic and the party was amazing and DD had a fantastic time'

That's the important bit. Are you going to spoil it by not talking to grandma and father?" - Goblinchild

"My ex didn't come to DD's party AT ALL and he was invited.

He also didn't give her her present until over a week after her birthday.

But that is his loss, his decision and ultimately it'll come back and bite him on the arse.

My parents were both invited to the party. They chose not to attend. They live 5 miles away. No other siblings local (my brother lives abroad). They posted DD a card with money in it.

Again, their loss, their decision and it'll come back and bite them.

My best mate, who is a bloke and has no kids, turned up early, rescued spiderman (don't ask) let the wee girls paint his nails and generally acted like the first class top notch bloke he is.

Everyone's different.

Life's too short.

Try, as best as you can, to let it go." - bustersmummy

Thanks both, I needed that sort of perspective

OP posts:
bustersmummy · 01/05/2011 12:42

GreataBalls - I wasn't judging btw, I just know what it's like I've been there.

And FWIW best mate isn't gay in my case Grin

Original poster
GreatBallsOfFluff · 01/05/2011 12:44

Nope - my best mate is definitely not gay either Grin

OP posts:
Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 12:50

Oh GBOF I understand ! What I don't understand is all the mean comments on here. It's SUCH hard work being a single parent and parties are the worst. I don't think you're too demanding. I amsure you would have been really really grateful and appreciative if the three of them had helped out a bit more. If adults really find children's parties so awful to be at then they should appreciate how much you needed them to help out. The idea that it takes a village to reaise a child is very true. What important things exactly did those three need to do that took priority over sharing the birthday of a child they know well and helping you out ? Work ? staring at computer ? TV ? shopping ?

bustersmummy · 01/05/2011 12:54

GreatBalls - and again, FWIW, I'm great at saying on here to you "let it go life's too short" but I want to rip my ex and parent's into tiny pieces on the day Grin

Was Best Mate who calmed me down and reminded me that the important thing was that she was having a good day.

ChristinedePizan · 01/05/2011 12:55

I'm a single parent and I work on the assumption that I will not have any help because then it's a bonus if I do get some!

They were being annoyingly passive aggressive about the whole thing so I can understand why you're upset but the main thing is that your DD had a fantastic time. Please don't let all this undermine that fact :)

Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 12:56

Those other three probably all had people telling them how important it is to have 'me time'

Have sympathy for you. Little bot OTT to say you won't speak to them again though as it would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

squeakytoy · 01/05/2011 13:00

FinallySpring, what more do you think the Ops mother should have done? The woman drove 100 miles, to help the Op by having the child for a few hours, and then drove another 100 miles so that she could see her other daughter. Fair enough I would say.

Christine, how is the Ops mother being passive agressive?

If my mum had made so much effort to help me out, I would have been very bloody grateful, not refusing to speak to her.

Georgimama · 01/05/2011 13:01

Finally the only person with any obligation to help the OP is her daughter's father. Her mother did help her and her friend's time is his to do with as he wishes. I wouldn't have been remotely interested in going to a non related 6 year old's birthday party when I was childless and I'm still not, particularly.

Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 13:10

Nobody has any obligation to help anybody of course. But the OP needed help and it was a really important day for her DD. We all think that our jobs, hobbies, drinking etc. are more important than helping each other out or spending time with people of different generations

squeakytoy · 01/05/2011 13:12

And the Op got help from her mum.

She didnt need all that much help from anyone else. It was a 6yr olds party, not the royal wedding. Grin

zikes · 01/05/2011 13:16

Nonsense, Finally. The OP's mum got up at 6, drove a hundred miles, looked after her gd until the party, then drove 100 miles home again to be there for her other daughter's visit. She put herself out a lot to help and was going back to meet other family obligations.

How that becomes her putting hobbies and drinking above helping out her daughter is loony! [cconfused]

Finallyspring · 01/05/2011 13:21

I know she got help. But she's feeling upset because it's been made really clear from this episode that there's nobody who fully shares the burden ( and pleasures) of her life. It's a shame she's given a hard time on here too ! Anyway I'm off now.

ChristinedePizan · 01/05/2011 13:21

It's passive aggressive to say that you'll do something and then not do it without a good reason. And the OP's mother presumably knows what the drive is like.

I can understand the OP's irritation but like I said, I think she needs to focus on the fact that her DD had a fantastic party

Original poster
GreatBallsOfFluff · 01/05/2011 13:31

Yup, I do need to just get over it.

But you're right Finally - there is now no one I can just say to "wasn't it funny when" or "Didn't so and so have a gorgeous dress on" or "DD really loved doing ...". I work fulltime so I don't see the other parents at all although do know them to say hi/how are you. Looking at the pictures there's none of me joining in when I did and and dancing with DD as I was the only one holding the camera for us IYKWIM.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 01/05/2011 13:34

Oh for god's sake, of course she's not unreasonable!

55 may seem old to you when you are in your 20s and 30s, but I'm 53 and a 100 mile journey wouldn't tire me at all. The whole point was that the grandmother was going to help for the day, not swan off as soon as the party started. And why couldn't she stay the night, to make things easier?

Of course the OP wanted someone to help her and who better than the child's father and her own mother? They helped, but didn't help enough, in my opinion. If they'd said that's what they were going to do, then fair enough, but the issue is that the OP didn't realise she was going to have to do it mainly alone.

holderness · 01/05/2011 13:52

From Mums point of view
[ I had a lovely day down at my daughters. It was my granddaughters birthday -she's 6 now , they grow ups fast don't they.
I said I would help with the party but then my daughter asked if I would take my granddaughter to her dance and swimming classes in the morning instead. It meant me getting up really early on a Saturday but I didn't mind really. My daughter did want me to drive down the night before but it was the royal wedding day and I didn't want to limit my options in case we had a few drinks with friends or whatever. So an early start for me then :o

I spent some quality time with my granddaughter -we had some lovely chats and I watched her during her lessons. Im so proud of her and how she is turning out. She was very excited about her party and talked about how many were coming ,the music that they were having at the disco and all the things that were planned for the party. Sounds wonderful. But Im glad I opted to help before the party rather than during-all that noise !

I delivered a very excited party girl to the venue and stayed long enough to make sure I wasnt needed-lots of other people around. It took a bit longer to get home- Saturday afternoon traffic - but I managed it safely. Needed a bit of a rest though so that the rest of the evening wasn't spoiled.

I felt very go getting -all that rushing around and still managed to 'be there ' for both of my girls . Mums still have to look after their children even when they are grown up. But we dont mind. We know they appreciate it.]

Original poster
GreatBallsOfFluff · 01/05/2011 13:59

Yea ok holderness, I get it Grin

OP posts:
MCos · 01/05/2011 14:00

OP - reasonable to feel hurt - but unreasonable to get into a strop and not talk to your mom. You mom did help - OK not as much as you'd have liked, but surely you have to recognise that she put her self out fairly significantly for you. Not sure your mom will want to help you again if you don't appreciate the effort she went to.
Re your ex - did you communicate your expectations clearly to him? If not, well he did turn up.. If you weren't very specific about your expectations, try to be next time and see if that does any good. Maybe not, but worth a try.

holderness · 01/05/2011 14:05

Good :o :o :o

googietheegg · 01/05/2011 14:08

bustersmummy "My parents were both invited to the party. They chose not to attend. They live 5 miles away. No other siblings local (my brother lives abroad). They posted DD a card with money in it.

Again, their loss, their decision and it'll come back and bite them."

What's all this? What exactly will bite them? Sending a card with money in it? Choosing to move abroad? Your parents not coming to a kid's birthday party? Why does your child have to determine how the rest of your family spend their time? Surely you don't have a child for what you can get from other people? The sense of entitlement is astounding.

fizzylaces · 01/05/2011 14:10

Kids parties are awful - they are to be endured Grin And well done for making it a success!

I would chalk it up and next year do something low key or share with a friend who has a similar birthday dd. It is your responsibility, if you chose to give her a big party, to follow through and do the work.

My dd1's Dad has done things like that for years too. He once came to Pizza Hut after I had taken 7 kids plus dd to the cinema, walked in, paid the bill for pizzas, went over to where the kids (aged 8, I think) were sitting and announced to them all he was just here to pay the bill and he was away Shock (I had asked for a contribution to her birthday treat and also if he would help!). My dd later went on and on about how kind it was of her Dad to pay for everything - I had spent twice what he did on cinema and sweets etc - grrrrr. Dd is now 13 by the way, and doesn't want to see her Dad much now due to his prattish behaviour.

Your friend shouldn't have said he would come if he wasn't going to. I assume he has no kids and doesn't realise how stressful parties are for parents?

Your Mum - I never inflict kids parties on my Mum and prefer to do something more intimate with her and my dcs.