To not speak to my mum, ex or good mate again until I have gotten over it.

[GreatBallsOfFluff]

DD's 6th birthday party yesterday. Was a joint party with her best friend and hall was hired, along with a disco etc lasting 2 hours.

My mum: She said way back along during the initial stages that she would drive down and help with the party (she lives 100 miles away). A couple of weeks ago, she rung to ask what date the party was, and when I asked why, it turns out that my sister and had boyfriend were going up to visit mum this weekend. But mum still assures me that she will be down to help for the party even if it's just a day trip.

I then find out that DD's dance and swimming classes start on the day and, as they are in the morning and party not until the afternoon, I asked mum if she would be able to take DD so that I could help set up the party and also it keeps DD occupied and not getting over excited etc. Mum agrees, but says that she will leave her house at 7am to arrive here in time to take DD to classes. I ask why she doesn't just come down the night before and there is umming and ahhing but ultimately says she'll just drive down in the morning. Great, I am extremely grateful to mum for doing this, and I was able to get on with it yesterday. Then mum arrives with DD just before the party starts, and before I know it, mum says she's going back now. I sort of look at her as if to say "what" and she says she's tired, it would be a long day if she stayed etc etc. I didn't argue with her and she left, but I just felt really hurt that she didn't want to stay for her only GD's party. Am I being over sensitive and should I be more grateful?

The ex: Obviously I told DD's dad about the party. He lives in the same town as us. He saw her the day after her actual birthday and said he would bring up her present to the party. He arrived an hour after the party started whilst the kids were eating. And left 15 minutes before the end, but didn't help with anything such as clearing the tables, preparing the cakes and party bags etc. (It also slightly irked me that he had bought the presents that morning considering her birthday was last week and it's been the same date every year for the past 6 years but at least he got her something so ...)

Good Mate: Have known him for 15 years. DD adores him. Told him about the party to which he said he'd come. Ring him up just before it starts "oh sorry I forgot" fair enough, it's not his DD and he was going to be there for support. He promises he will be there at some point though. Well he doesn't turn up at all. He does try to ring a couple of times later saying he had some stuff with work, but he's let me down so many times in the past before, and also I know he was at the pub all day yesterday so I'm just fed up of him doing this to me.

I felt so alone yesterday and have to say that the other mums who were there along with the other birthday girl's parents and grandparents were absolutely fantastic and the party was amazing and DD had a fantastic time, but I just feel very hurt by the above people.

I don't know whether I'm being biased as it's so important to me as it's my DD and therefore really important to me and perhaps not so important to the others.

So I'm ready for it - AIBU?

GBF - What I got from your post was how hard it is to be a single mum. Especially at times like birthdays, when you want to share the 'good times' with somebody. It must be really difficult some days (but not as difficult as being married to a tosser). But in 10, 20 years time, your daughter will know that YOU were there for her, always, she will have memories of YOU even if you're not in the photos.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything to ex, it's pointless. With the Mum, she did help, so again, just make sure you thank her for that and tell her how much easier it made your day - and if you can say nicely, without it coming over wrong, that next time it would be lovely if she could stay the night to save her the long journey back and you could cook her a nice meal as a thank you and catch up.

As regards BF - while I get that a 6-year old's party isn't the in-place to be, he told you he would come (as your friend to give you support - not to have the time of his life). I would definitely say something to him - along the lines that you hate being let down, and if he doesn't want to do something it's OK, but you would feel a lot better if he told you, so you didn't end up feeling hurt.

Don't think you are being unreasonable - think you just need a hug.

I'm 53 and a 100 mile journey wouldn't tire me at all

200 miles and a few hours with a six year old probably might and originally the gran was only asked to come help at the party, as the op didnt know about the lessons in the morning, so the gran did help out by stepping in to sort that problem out.

I thought the mum had visitors, she may have been rushing to get back (plus had been up since 6 am and doing all the classes). She should be thanked profusely if you ask me, my mum loves the children but even she runs off when we have the children's party at home!

The only one you should be mad at is the ex, and getting mad isn't going to change that.

I agree that you seem crestfallen that you didn't have anyone to celebrate with, but as Belle says, all the memories of childhood will be with you, and you did a fantastic job of doing the party, so you should congratulate yourself on that and not worry about others.

if your mum/ex/mate got run over and killed tomorrow, would you feel you were in the right holding a grudge?

OP you sound lonely and tired You did a great job giving your DD a party she loved and doing it fairly single handedly - it is hard work. Be proud of yourself.

BUT don't hold it against anyone else that they were not there - your DM held her own parties for 6 yo girls when you were little and it sounds like she made quite an effort on the day, giving you the chance to set up. Whilst it would have been fab to have more family support, in the end that is a bonus and not a given. Just think of all those MNers who complain that their parents and in-laws interfere too much whereas your mother seemed to provide genuine help where it was needed, and floated away when she saw that you had plenty of adults at the party.

The ex - well plenty of husbands don't get involved in their DC's parties if they can help it.

Oh, can you find some way of getting to know one or two mothers at the school so that you feel less isolated at events like this? I expect you are short of time but, you know, suggest a small picnic together in the park at the weekend or something?

Keep going! Big hugs xx

"if your mum/ex/mate got run over and killed tomorrow, would you feel you were in the right holding a grudge?"

No not at all, although the ex .....

A kids party swimming and dance lessons and a 200 mile drive would bloody poop me out and I'm 43.
Don't sweat the small stuff.

I know it can be disappointing when we don't get all the things we want. We want a day to be perfect etc. It's not worth falling out with your mum over, certainly, she did loads. Think how much it would have cost her in petrol alone.
As for your friend, well I don't blame him for steering clear tbh.
BUT he shouldn't have promised you anything. So now you know he doesn't keep promises. Not a nice thing to find out granted. However, It's much easier to deal with people when you know what to expect. Now you know what you can expect you shouldn't be disappointed in the future.
Your ex, well, it's all his loss and it sounds like him being an ex is just as well.

Please don't take this attitude towards people who are going to be in your and your daughter's life for a good long time, give them the credit for doing what they could do and accept what they weren't able to....

(Am a single mum myself, 19 years now and no father in the picture).

All my friends would be welcome at my kid's birthday parties, but -apart from the parents already coming - never met any that said, "Oh great, a kid's birthday party! Can't wait for that"!!

Single parenting is bloody hard but you know you're in for the SINGLE haul, be thankful of ANY and all help you get along the way - you cannot demand it imho.
And as for the dad, it's not worth the energy getting het up about it, cos it ain't going to change it. Sometimes it's the only power they have left over you....(not giving in to your - reasonable - requests). I refuse to engage any more, it's his loss.

Your mother sounds lovely (making all that effort to be there for you) and
sounds like the party was a resounding success, so your daughter will have great memories of that, and isn't that what it's all about?

I do understand, although I have DH we do not have any family either side and t does hurt at all the parties to see all the families chipping in to help. I was so organised with DC big party but there is only so much you can do in advance and do need an extra hand on the day.

I think if any of these three incidents were in isolation you could and would justify them. but altogether, and when you are feeling vulnerable and a bit alone, it conspires to make you feel a bit down.

I think the key here is when you said the other mums helped you. You need to invest in cultivating these relationships with these women who know what it is like for this period in your life, with smallish children. These are the ones who will become your closer friends. With your other friend, well you said he has let you down many times so learn from that. You don't have to give him up but adjustnyour expectations. Likewise your ex, if he was so reliable and wonderful he wouldn't be your ex would he. As for your mum, I think once you have calmed down a bit you will agree she has dne her best and nothing to be berated for, but as I said previously, it is all these things coming at once when you are feeling a bit on your own.

Use this as an opportunity to reassess your relationships going forward. You do not need to stop speaking to anyone, but perhaps by putting some on a back burner and lowering your expectations, you will not need to end up disappointed and you will have more time and energy to spend on those who are there for you, like the other mums who may not know you but were happy to help, sounds like you have potential good mates right there

Googie - what sense of entitlement?

It's totally entirely up to my parents if they decide to have any meaningful relationship with my children.

It will bite them on the arse in years to come when they decide they want a relationship with my kids and my kids don't want to bother.

Same applies to the ex.

Am genuinely as to the sense of entitlement comment

Oh and FWIW I am not and never have had a child for what I can get. I thought, given that my mother had promised DD she would be at the party, that she would attend. For my mother just not to turn up and when DD was expecting her, yes I was mildly irritated on the day. But I never made a big deal of it to DD, just concentrated on the people who WERE there.

That comment was totally unjustified, uncalled for and is out of order.

I couldn't care if my parents only got her a card, but to tell a child you're turning up and not show is not really fair in my book.

And my parents live less than 5 miles away from me. They do not live abroad, my brother does.

Your Mother was good to you. Don't stop talking to her. There is no point comparing yourself to other people. Just accept what you have and be happy about it.

It will bite them on the arse in years to come when they decide they want a relationship with my kids

maybe they wont be interested in years to come any more than they are now

there is no law to say grandparents have to take an interest in their offsprings offspring

True Sarah, true.

But at the end of the day, that's up to them.

I have no influence over it, so although I was annoyed that DD felt disappointed and was let down, it's not something I can change.

GreatBallsOfFluff , your mum left her company to come to your place, right? Besides the early and long day your mum had, she had to go home to guests. I wouldn't be mad at her at all. She made a big effort to be there for you and your dd.
You ex is an ex for a reason! But why let negative feelings about him cause you any grief? I'd let that roll on by.

Your friend, I do think he was an ass, because he lied saying he was working, while in reality, he was drinking in a pub. Just plain rude to tell someone you are coming and not show. Be better to say he wasn't coming in the first place. Again, let it go, but don't invite him next year.

GreatBallsofFluff - maybe you missed my post earlier, but I was asking whether you had made clear to your ex what help you wanted from him at the party. As I said earlier, some people just don't realise how much work goes into a kids party, and if he is one of these people, then maybe you need to tell him exactly what you expect of him - give him a list of jobs, perhaps, or tell him you'll need his help with the clearing up - and if he still lets you down, then you can label him a total knob and I'll happily agree with you. But at the moment, it may be that he just didn't see what help you needed, and maybe he is a bit dim and insensitive rather than a total knob.