Parents supplying alcohol to teens. Is this normal?

[littlejo67]

My Ds is 15 and went away recently on a weekend rugby tour. They were told in a meeting previously that no alcohol was allowed as the holiday camp they were staying at had very strict rules.
I felt reassured as I dont let him or his older brother (17) drink at all not even xmas.

During the tour an adult team manager supplied alcohol to my sons room as his son was staying in the same appartment. He said not to go outside with it. Also other players had brought there own which must have been bought by adults/parents.

The photos on my sons Fb have cans of alcohol in, and they all looked well happy. I want to say something but realise that this would totally humilate my son and single him out as being different.
I am thinking WTF! I would never supply alcohol to a minor that I was responsible for. My son had a great time but somehow I am left with shock and irritation. Am I over reacting?

A few cans of lager is never ever going to necessitate a stomach pumping for anyone. It is spirits that cause the problems.

Squeakytoy - that's quite a naive attitude. The point is not that the boys might have needed to have emergency medical attention, but that it is deeply inappropriate for an adult (a) to offer alcohol to a child when not in the presence of or with the permission of that child's parents, (b) when away from home, and (c) in a place where alcohol is expressly forbidden. Not forgetting also the mixed messages and the position in which this puts the child.

"A few cans of lager" could easily be sufficient to disinhibit a teen enough to get them into trouble or danger.

Unsurevalentine - there is a world of difference between supplying your children with alcohol (which normalises both drunkeness and drinking alcohol an essential part of socialising) and letting alcohol be as normal a part of life as any other treat (you enjoy it from time to time, but not all the time, and never to excess, and often you socialise/eat/cook without it).

I take school trips and would never let a child drink. And if I knew a parent had supplied a pupil with drink for one of my trips I'd be straight onto HT about it.

Your 17 year old can legally drink at 18, do you want him to be one of those that is going to get shit faced all the time because he is not used to alcohol?

I've never bought my 17 year old alcohol, but know that at parties he has had some, albeit he has never come home drunk.

I'd be a fool for thinking he has never tried any.

I have a quite relaxed attitude to most things. I do allow my DS 16 to drink at home and I do allow him to take some cans of lager out with him to parties. I object to his drinking any hard spirit, though and he knows this, although I know that he has drunk some. He was pretty drunk and sick at a party that we picked him up from a few months ago, from mixing drinks and was told off for that. We made him clear everything up and completely wash and polish the car as he was sick out of the window.

The last few times that he has been out he has taken four cans with him, but not drunk any and some of the times he has not drunk nor taken anything with him as he couldn't be bothered. I am very pleased about this.

I, however, would have been absolutely livid in the OP's situation. it is not down to another adult to say whether or not my DS may drink in any given situation, especially since the parents had been told quite comprehensively that alcohol would not be allowed on this trip. I probably would contact the chairman of the club about this. I would ask that your name be kept secret for your son's sake. I would tell your DS that that is what you are going to do. He will beg you not to do it, but I would. There are some situations where you just have to do what you know is right. I know that the rugby manager is probably voluntary, but that does not excuse his complete lack of regard as to what is appropriate in the given situation. He is lucky that nothing happened, but this should not happen in future.

With regard to tour manager - totally wrong to give it to other children, he was in a position of authority - imagine if a 15yr old was given a pint of bitter after PE at School!

Regarding your own children - we are fairly liberal parents, there is normally some alcohol in the house and my eldest 2 have been ok to drink a moderate amount on occasions. The alcohol is freely accessible. Eldest is over 18, yes she enjoys a night out, but this is a rare occasion (she can't afford it often and has demanding college course in the week), whilst alcohol is available at home she rarely drinks it (gave up totally for lent). My 15 year old has the odd vile looking alcopop at Christmas - he never really bothers, he has tried beer and lager (not to his taste). Alcohol is no great mystery to either of them and having tried it, both appear to have a "take it or leave it" attitude.

Once went on some training where the trainer asked everyone who had let their kids try alcohol and were "introducing their kids to alcohol safely" to put their hands up. There were many drug and alcohol professionals in the room and nearly all hands went up.

He then asked "what other drugs we had let them try and were introducing them to safely".

It is a bit extreme but it did make me think. I spent a long time working within the field of addictions and I now have a son who is nearly 14. I really struggle with what the "correct" thing to do is regarding alcohol and my children as it is a part of our culture whether we like it or not, its almost like it is a neccesity which makes me feel a bit .

The Rugby Manager in this case was IMO wrong and it could technically be seen as "gifting" actually if any allegations were made about him.

'It is also illegal for anyone to buy alcohol for someone else who is under 18 except when they purchase wine, beer or cider for consumption with a meal.'

from directgov website.

OP YANBU, I would be furious if an adult had supplied my teens with alcohol, especially when the rule had been reiterated that alcohol was not allowed.

The team manager was out of order. I'd be furious in this situation.

TBH it's a safeguarding issue as they're children in the care of the club. What the adult team manager does with his own son is one thing, but it's not acceptable to bring other children into it especially when he's acting in an official capacity.

Unsurevalentine - how about paracetamol and ibuprofen? At first we take complete responsibility for checking a child, deciding whether they are ill, deciding whether to give them medicine, and dosing them ourselves. We do not continue doing this until they are 18, never letting them handle medication, and then expect them to be able to make these decisions themselves. No, we gradually hand over responsibility to them, teaching them along the way how to self-medicate safely.

Medicine is necessary. Alcohol is not.

cat64 Leverkusen has misquoted the law. The regulation about wine/beer/cider/perry with a meal for 16 year-olds only applies to licensed premises. As has been already pointed out, the legal age for drinking alcohol in the UK is 5.

There is evidence that people who regularly consume small amounts of alcohol, particularly red wine, are healthier, more fertile and live longer than both complete abstainers and heavy drinkers.

Many self-prescribed medications are not strictly necessary. But, as with alcohol, we have to use our own judgement as to whether and how much we use them.

It's the principle at the end of the day. i don't think the OP should be told she is too harsh, she has her own take on life. Alcoholism was not tolerated in my house at that age.... it didn't do me any harm, as you would expect!

Other parents have different views, but in that situation it is out of your hands, so I think we should all respect that as one of the bigger issues.

I'd have a fit if that happened to one of my dc seriously not on

Pretty - shall we then give toddlers some red wine in addition to there follow on milk? Its healthy occording to you. They will be more fertile and live longer.

Why not let our children smoke canabis - Its benefical medically for neurological disorders. Lets get them used to it gradually.

That will help them gradually make decisions for themselves.
Lets show them how to self medicate safely.

Kids that have drunk alcohol with the parents permission in moderation are just as likely to get hammered at Uni as those that come from a family that does not allow this. It doesnt stop anything you just expose them to it from a young age.

Prettycandles i would LOVE to see that 'study'

Yes and I would love to see who funded such a study..... wouldn't happen to be partly funded by a winery would it??

The wine industry spend a great deal of time and resources promoting the drinking red wine is good for you story.

Whether alcohol is good, bad or indifferent is entirely beside the point. OP was told that there would be no alcohol. A responsible adult then supplied alcohol to a group of underage teenagers. This is a disgraceful thing to do by a team manager. Whether waged or unwaged this is not a fit person to be left in charge of teenagers.

There are so many things which could have gone wrong in this situation. The team manager did not have the right to expose the group of teenagers to this risk.

For everyone in the club?s sake the OP should report this.

I don't remember the reference and I'm too tired to start hunting it down. This was not a study, but the result of meta-analysis of several
studies and of data gathered over 20 or more years relating to heart attack, stroke and (bowel?) cancer, among other conditions.

And I'm not saying we should give our dc all available drugs, just that alcohol is not the only drug we try to teach our children to use responsibly.

And of course it does not relate to toddlers - it relates to adults.

No, let's not give toddlers booze in their follow-on milk. Let's not give them follow-on milk at all, let's give them breastmilk or any other animal milk, or even no milk.

If my children at any age ask to have a sip of my drink, I let them. But I won't offer them a drink with their meal until they nearer adulthood. Until then, if they want to join us, they can have very dilute wine, or grape juice out of a pretty glass bottle. It will be in addition to their glass of water, and they will learn to drink it like wine: in sips, between mouthfuls of food.

"Kids that have drunk alcohol with the parents permission in moderation are just as likely to get hammered at Uni as those that come from a family that does not allow this. It doesnt stop anything you just expose them to it from a young age."

In the UK. I wonder whether this is true also in other countries.

BTW, teetotallers can get the benefits, too. Grapes eaten with the skin on, or grape juice made with the skins - most are, I think - are almost as protective as red wine. I think, but I'm not sure, that they have to be red grapes. So alcohol is not essential, but neither should it be entirely demonised.

I have known a mum pack cider & vodka in her daughter's bag, so she & her roommates could have a jolly midnight feast to celebrate her 13th - this on a week of abseiling & canoeing.

Idiot parents we can't necessarily do much about, but a trip leader supplying booze to under 18s? I would be fucking INCANDESCENT.

& I say that as a parent who is relaxed about my dc drinking booze at home (theoretical - they're a tad young yet!) & cheerfully anticipates the occasional teenage Big White Telephone Calls which will doubtless accompany my lot's teen socialising.

I allowed both my DCs to have some alcohol when underage as I felt it was better for them to experience it when at home where they were supervised and cared for. When DS went to uni the one person in their group who was wild with alcohol and drugs was a vicar's child who had been allowed no alcohol at all in her very strict and protected upbringing.

I did however when he went to a 17th birthday party and the parents had left not just alcohol but also cannabis and a bong.

I think in the current drinking culture we are unlikely to stop them drinking at uni but we can hopefully give them some education and experience to make it safer

YANBU Its simply inappropriate that an adult team manager would do this. Sadly it is not unusual for adults to press alcohol on teens, especially boys as a young 'lad'. My DS has always looked a little older than he is and has had alcohol pushed on him by other adults (usually when on holiday by people we would not normally mix with) since he was 12. I've had to step in many times since then and discretely refuse. This attitude is appalling, and I have to say, very British. I have even had adults tell me I'm 'mean Mum' for this when DS was 13. Since he was small he has been around continental cafes/bars and learnt a different attitude to drinking. I was protecting my son from excess by letting him see that alcohol is something to be enjoyed in moderation as part of life. I'm happy that now he is 16 he has had the odd beer in a family situation.

I'm sure the time will come when he comes home seriously drunk, but I'll have done the best I can in my way without some 'responsible' adult undermining my way of caring.