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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or do I have anger issues? Response to being kicked in the face...

66 replies

cherryburton · 30/04/2011 19:59

My 2.8 year old this evening booted me in the face (with his bloody shoes on!) whilst I was trying to get him changed. It wasn't really an accident, he's being a really violent little get at the moment and am at my wits end with what to do with him.

Anyway, that aside, I find that when I get hit/kicked/bit I get incredibly angry and have to go off somewhere else to calm down/kick something. I don't mean I get angry and want to retaliate at whoever did it - like tonight, I didn't want to hit my son back or anything (obviously!) but I do have to go off and release some tension by swearing/shouting/whatever.

Is this fairly normal or do I have underlying anger issues? How do most people respond to being kicked in the face? [chmm]

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 20:01

I dont think you are the one with anger issues. I doubt anyone would sit there and take being kicked or bitten.

What do you do to punish him for this behaviour?

CareyFakes · 30/04/2011 20:03

I usually shout "Argh, FUCK" really loudly, whilst DD is there Shock. Thankfully, accidents like that are few and far between, I'm the same with stubbing my toe or banging my elbow.

I've tried to change but it just ain't happening. I always apologise to DD, she usually says sorry and kisses it better, love her.

I have to let it out, I really do. I probably have anger issues, but such is life.

thisisyesterday · 30/04/2011 20:04

well, I can understand needing to take yourself off when you get angry, but I also don't think it's usual to get that angry every time a child does something liek that

do you tell him off before you go? or is he left unaware that what he has done is unacceptable?

SueSylvesterforPM · 30/04/2011 20:04

not really being kicked especially in the face creates a natural reflex of anger.

discobeaver · 30/04/2011 20:04

It's pretty normal to get riled if someone boots you in the face. Nearly 3 is old enough to know it's wrong to do this.

It also sounds like being kicked and bitten and hit happen fairly frequently, which must be awful for you, so your reaction is totally understandable.

mistressploppy · 30/04/2011 20:07

Yup, you sound just like me - an instant instinct to lash out in some way. I think it's ok as long as you aren't damaging anyone!

Original poster
cherryburton · 30/04/2011 20:07

We have tried everything. Time out doesn't work - he's mainly violent with his brother who is nearly 5. He'll pinch/smack/hit him (and DS1 retaliates) and they spend the day sniping and pushing at each other, it's really driving me up the wall. DS1 winds him up but is a bit more covert in his actions, but DS2 then has to get his pound of flesh and he won't let anything go. I've tried talking to him, removing him from the situation, ignoring him, it just goes on. He's so different to DS1, he was never really violent ever and responded well to time out or reasoning. DS2's a bloody firebrand.

OP posts:
aleene · 30/04/2011 20:07

I think your reaction is fairly normal. I was once booted in the face by my DS and felt none too pleased about it.

However if you are feeling that anger is a problem then it is good that you are addressing this. Try the video camera technique. Imagine there is a film crew taping you and this may help you process your actions before you do anything in haste.
Also I know this sounds silly but remember you are the adult here. What I mean is, your son may be lashing out in frustration because he cannot express what it is he wants. You have to rise above that frustration. The first time one of my DC told me I was the worst mummy ever Hmm I was upset but now it is water off a duck's back because I know they don't mean it. (Hopefully Smile )

heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 20:08

The face - I'd do the same. Pain does set of a pain response in lts of people.

Any other part of the body - I'd angry but more likely be able to control it iyswim

YANBU OP. How you you deal with this behaviour?

Original poster
cherryburton · 30/04/2011 20:08

I feel like I spend literally 98% of my time bollocking them at the moment - I don't like being like this.

OP posts:
heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 20:09

pain sets off an anger response (not pain Hmm)

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 20:09

If time out doesnt work, a smacked backside probably would, but I suspect I am in the minority on that opinion. Grin

CareyFakes · 30/04/2011 20:10

Why do you think he's like that? I would be slightly concerned about the behaviour in terms of his outlet of frustration and anger.

It's normal to have a wee shove and a push now and then as toddlers do, but to be outwardly agressive is a different kettle of fish.

Was it an accident? Did he mean to kick you? If it's an accident, we all have those only today I bumped into DD and sent her flying, then to come back asap and explain that what happened hurt is ok, and leaving the room to cool down is preferable.

catchmeifyoucan · 30/04/2011 20:11

No - not with me anyway squeaky. It would probably only take one short sharp smack on the arse to cure him - clearly the child has no fear at all of there being any consequence to his violent behaviour - therefore no reason for him to stop. It's up to the parent to nip this in the bud whilst he's still young enough else you're in for a lifetime of agony.

PandaNot · 30/04/2011 20:11

I think it's a perfectly understandable response to being kicked in the face! I also think that it's ok for your son to see that kicking someone in the face makes them angry (so long as you're not aggressive in any way). I have never had any problems letting my children understand that their behaviour makes someone feel a particular way but I am always careful to explain and vocalise why I'm angry/sad etc and that it is their behaviour not them.

As parents we're often explaining to dc why they make us happy or proud but are more wary of exploring negative emotions. Perhaps if more parents did, there would be more children who understand that they can't just do what they please and to hell with everyone elses feelings.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 20:13

I am always careful to explain and vocalise why I'm angry/sad etc and that it is their behaviour not them.

So are your children not responsible for their own behaviour then? Confused

catchmeifyoucan · 30/04/2011 20:15

Oh dear - when will people realise that an out of control child of that age simply does not DO reason and careful explanation? If that's what you've been doing up to now would you say it's worked? Because I wouldn't.

merrywidow · 30/04/2011 20:15

I was once in a sainsburys walking along the isles and I stopped whereupon DD rammed the buggy with DS into the back of my bare ankle by accident. The pain was so intense I almost passed out. When I caught my breath I turned around and shouted 'all I want to do right now is beat the living daylights out of you!'

everyone was looking and I was absolutely convinced SS would turn up at any moment to remove DCS ShockBlush

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 20:16

huge difference between and accident and meaning to do it though...

Original poster
cherryburton · 30/04/2011 20:17

Dunno why he's like it. I've often wondered if it's a second child thing; he has to physically fight for his place in the pecking order? I don't know if he entirely meant to do it to me tonight, to be fair, he does wriggle like buggery when he's being changed, but it felt a bit like he was pushing his luck, and he occasionally will come up and tentatively try and smack me if he doesn't like soemthing I've just done. I don't know where it's come from as we have never hit either of them.

Having said that, squeakytoy - I did say to DH tonight I was tempted to slap his bloody legs at the time (DS, obv, not DH's) as if nothing else gets through maybe that would? However I was not being serious, we both came from smacking families and have vowed never to do that to ours. My father is convinced that's where we're "going wrong" he'd fucking love it if we whacked them - which is another reason why we never will, they would crow forever and think that their behaviour was justified...

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 30/04/2011 20:17

I've not been booted in the face I don't think, but if a 3 YO did it on purpose I wouldn't go off and not say anything to him.

Straight after he'd done it I'd crouch down in front of him (making sure we've got eye contact) and give him a very firmly said 'NO, it's wrong to kick out at anyone, and you're going to apologise to mummy now'.

If he refused to apologise then whatever you do in your house to get them to do what you say, naughty chair/step etc, no telly/fave toy until he was ready to.

So really it's detaching yourself from what he's done and controlling that initialy reaction to be shouting 'YOU LITTLE...'

pjmama · 30/04/2011 20:18

I read panda's last comment to mean that she makes sure they understand that she is angry with the way they have just behaved, not that she doesn't love them or like them.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 30/04/2011 20:18

Oh it's a terrible thing when they boot you or elbow you in the eye! You sound restrained to me...my baby was 18 months when she headbutted me and knocked my brand new and very expensive crown almost out of my mouth.

I swore quite loudly. It has just been done and the cemenet wasn't fully set...SHE was fine....hard nutted little thing.

My kids are constantly, hugging, pinching, groping, elbowing, kissing, licking and kicking me...it's like being in a state of permanent assault.

YANBU at all!

Original poster
cherryburton · 30/04/2011 20:19

(merrywidow - I can so relate to that!)

OP posts:
catchmeifyoucan · 30/04/2011 20:20

I don't think anyone would consider it a good idea to embark on a lifetime of smacking but perhaps you should have a think about something a little less wishy washy than a 'meaningful discussion' with someone who is way to young to 'get it'. It is entirely possible to deliver a sharp smack in response to certain behaviours without using it as a reaction to everything.