Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

or do I have anger issues? Response to being kicked in the face...

66 replies

cherryburton · 30/04/2011 19:59

My 2.8 year old this evening booted me in the face (with his bloody shoes on!) whilst I was trying to get him changed. It wasn't really an accident, he's being a really violent little get at the moment and am at my wits end with what to do with him.

Anyway, that aside, I find that when I get hit/kicked/bit I get incredibly angry and have to go off somewhere else to calm down/kick something. I don't mean I get angry and want to retaliate at whoever did it - like tonight, I didn't want to hit my son back or anything (obviously!) but I do have to go off and release some tension by swearing/shouting/whatever.

Is this fairly normal or do I have underlying anger issues? How do most people respond to being kicked in the face? [chmm]

OP posts:

merrywidow · 30/04/2011 20:20

for the record have never 'beaten the living daylights' out of DCS, though have felt like it on occasions

CareyFakes · 30/04/2011 20:21

The method of calmly talking to the child after being booted in the face is a skill many would lack I suspect...it's a normal reaction to yelp or scream or cry or shout.

Can't control the electrical currents telling your brain that your face has just been booted and your body just reacts accordingly, like touching something hot.

squeakytoy · 30/04/2011 20:21

Sorry Cherry, but I do believe that in the last instance, a smack (not a punch) is the best way to regain control of the situation and let your child know exactly who is in charge. A fear of punishment for behaving badly is not cruelty, cruelty is when kids get hit for no reason at all. Smacking when a child knows exactly what he or she is doing, and knows it is wrong, but continues to misbehave is a method that does work.

In my book, you give a warning the first time. If the bad behaviour gets repeated you punish.

Hassled · 30/04/2011 20:22

I think it's normal. You didn't retaliate - you were just offloading because being kicked in the face.

But yes, you need a zero tolerance approach - swift and immediate repercussions (naughty step, whatever) each and every time he does something like that. Don't dither - he needs to see it as an automatic consequence of his action. And be calm and quiet - don't engage with him. Withdraw attention.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/04/2011 20:22

Anger is a perfectly rational response to getting physically hurt

It's just an emotion and the fact that you go somewhere else to express it shows your emotional maturity

AgentZigzag · 30/04/2011 20:26

But if the OP goes off to calm down every time it happens laurie, the lad's left there knowing that if he kicks mummy then whatever's happening that he wants to stop, stops, and she just goes to another room.

So he's calling the shots on what happens/doesn't happen.

I don't want to get changed I want to play, boot, great - carries on playing.

PandaNot · 30/04/2011 20:28

I'm really not a 'reason and calmly explain' type of parent. I do get cross and there are consequences in this house for unacceptable behaviour but I do explain that their behaviour has made me angry. I think this is really important, especially for little children who tend in general to have a very catastrophic and 'in the moment' outlook on life i.e. Mummy's really cross now, she mustn't like me any more.

I know what I mean, even if I'm not explaining it very well.

Original poster

cherryburton · 30/04/2011 20:29

Laurie - I didn't feel too mature when I stomped out of the house effing and blinding, so that cheers me up slightly?

I dunno, I'm still not comfortable with it but I dunno what else you do. He literally smacks/hits/scratches his brother every thirty seconds it feels like sometimes and I get so sodding bored of referreeing their strops.

DS2 is a funny little chap, he comes across and very shy and arsey, especially around people he doesn't know and is legendarily rude to people. I've been at home with him full time since he was born until 3 weeks ago when I've finally gone back to work (oh my god, the relief!) and he's just started nursery and I'm hoping having to socialise and get on with other people might start to sort him out?

OP posts:

MrsPennySworth · 30/04/2011 20:29

Sounds like your describing my ds1 and ds2. Ds2 is a real handful and has trouble controlling his temper and ds1 appears to be an angel to most but actually winds ds2 up constantly(he is just sneakier at doing it!).

I have to say after months of using the naughty step we went down the smack bottom route and this worked much better (god I have sweaty palms just admitting that on mumsnet!). He ways gets a warning first and this usually works but not always. Naughty step works better for ds1, he hates it so we've never had to smack him. I think different things work for different children.

Oh and yanbu to get so angry! It's a shock getting hurt, I know it's made me swear out loud before I've left the room before, it's just a reaction!

LaurieFairyCake · 30/04/2011 20:30

Well of course when she's calm she should come back and explain but leaving immediately instead of hitting them back (some idiot on here advocated biting a child back when it bit them) is much better.

BombayBadonkadonks · 30/04/2011 20:37

My boys are always treading on my feet! Drives me insane!

I tend to bellow a bit - depending on whether it was an accident or not.

My eldest fell on me and bit one of my badonkadonks on the way down - looked like I had been given a hicky by Eric Northman! Mahoosive bruise!!!

AgentZigzag · 30/04/2011 20:39

If it's between clocking him and walking away then of course walking off is better laurie.

But the lad must see the dramatic effect he has on his mum and knows full well how to press her buttons to control her, coming back to calmly explain after the event isn't really effective because 5 mins to a 3 YO is an age.

If the OP could channel that anger into her voice and face, controlling and using it to get the message across without any violence but to talk firmly, surely he'd start to understand he's not top dog.

bigbuttons · 30/04/2011 21:01

If I was kicked in the face deliberately by my any of my children, then they would most likely get a smack.

dribbleface · 30/04/2011 21:17

OP - my DS has done this to me (not entirely sure whether it was an accident or not ). I did smack his bottom and to be honest had little effect. I have found with him if he does something like this i put one of his toys on the naughty shelf and he loses it for a set period. This gives me an out as i can walk off and remove said toy and by the time i get back to explain i am calm enough not to throttle him! Works for DS and us.

heliumballoons · 30/04/2011 21:23

dribble that sounds like an excellent way of dealing with it. 2 birds and all that.

worraliberty · 30/04/2011 21:29

I'm firmly in the smacking camp for young children, especially if time out and other punishments don't work.

I think it's no coincidence that since smacking became virtually outlawed and schools banned the cane, children seem to be far worse behaved than they were years ago.

Portoeufino · 30/04/2011 21:35

Dd used to do that at the same age. I am ashamed to say that she got smacked for it - it was the ONLY thing that worked. I used to warn her and do a countdown. She used to get in a complete rage, and kick out. Timeout, naughty steps and the like were completely useless.

Xales · 30/04/2011 21:38

I would yell really loudly enough to shock him 'no, that is bad, do not kick mummy again' and then go away and ignore him for 5 minutes or 10 minutes. Lock yourself in the bathroom and stick a cold compress on there to help it feel better and totally ignore him.

Come back afterwards and say that is really really naughty do not do it again and that if he does he will immediately with no warning next time lose the toy he is playing with/dvd he watching/tv privilages etc for a damned long time (an hour or so at that age).

Then as soon as he does it next time, take whatever he is playing with and stick it somewhere out of reach.

Same with both boys if they are winding up or fighting. They will lose a toy/privilage and see it through.

sickoftheholidays · 30/04/2011 22:21

Another in the smack camp here I'm afraid. DD went through a phase of this and used to kick me in the face when I tried to change her nappy (aged almost 3, she was a late potty trainer) I tried everything, but getting booted full whack in the face even without shoes wasnt fun. I tried reasoning with her, timeout was a non starter as she would then not have her nappy changed which was the whole point. In the end one day she kicked me so hard in the face she split my lip and it bled, and I slapped her quite hard on her bum. She was outraged and tried kicking even harder until I asked her if she wanted another smack, she then stopped kicking and let me change her bum. She never tried to kick me again.

Cat98 · 30/04/2011 22:22

Why the bloody hell would anyone punish hitting with hitting? What happened to leading by example? At the end of the day. Children will copy their parents. Sorry but you will never convince me that using physical violence to punish is in any way acceptable. That aside, I don't actually think it is that abnormal that 2 year olds sometimes lash out. You need to try and model controlling anger to them (easier said than done I know!) so in that sense by removing yourself to calm down first you are doing the right thing. However there needs to be a follow up - a stern chat, removal of priveledges, whatever your preferred (humane) method! He does need to understand it is WRONG.

AppleyEverAfter · 30/04/2011 22:32

Have you tried crying? Really, it worked with my nephew. Followed by a stint in the naughty corner. Really don't get why you would teach a child not to hit by... hitting them. confused

rosie1979 · 30/04/2011 22:32

I have never been hit or kicked delibarately by dc's but have shouted "oh f**k" very loudly after having my ankles bashed by a scooter or a rogue elbow in my cheekbone.

Can not understand why on EARTH you would hit a child especially a toddler - i have a foul temper and can hand on heart say it has never crossed my mind as an appropriate punishment.

If it works, why do you have to keep on doing it? I have seen so many threads on here with MN's saying how much rage they feel as adults by being smacked as children, we are adults - they are children, we are here to guide and support them, not instil fear and frustration in them. FFS!

worraliberty · 30/04/2011 22:39

If it works, why do you have to keep on doing it?

So you only ever have to put a child on the naughty step once?? Or you only ever have to take things away from them once?

Smacking worked for 2 out of 3 of my kids and they have/are growing into very nice young men.

The 'why punish violence with violence' thing does make sense on paper...but to be honest, I see very little of it actually working all around me.

The behaviour of children nowadays compared to years ago seems in great decline. The very idea of kids/teenagers becoming unteachable or hitting their teachers/swearing at them etc...was almost unheard of years ago.

I do think this new style of parenting has a lot to answer for. Too many children with a sense of their own importance and thinking adults/teachers can't touch them because 'they know their rights'

Sadly it's bloody true...they can't touch them and look where it's getting us all

sickoftheholidays · 30/04/2011 22:41

I honestly dont think the average 2yo is capable of understanding that hitting/kicking/biting is wrong. You can reason and explain until you are blue in the face, but most of them will just not get it. They have the attention span of a goldfish at that age, and are totally self centred. its not a case of punishing hitting with hitting, its a simple deterrent and while most toddlers have no idea what you are talking about when you tell them that its bad to hit someone, it hurts, etc etc, one of the first things they are perfectly able to grasp is cause and effect. And it has to be an immediate thing, as if you send them to their room/time out etc, by the time they get there, they have forgotten what caused it to happen. You ask a 2yo why they are sitting on the naughty step 2 mins after they were put there and I'll bet my beer money most wont have a clue.
A smack on the other hand, is an immediate and unpleasant consequence of their actions, they understand perfectly and usually very quickly, and avoid repeating the behaviour in order to avoid the consequence.

hmc · 30/04/2011 22:42

I don't think you have anything to worry about - of course it made you angry, but you dealt with it very sensibly by going off to calm down.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread