To not want my stepdaughter to ever return

[LastRemainingNerve]

Ok, I'm ranting but I'm at the point of cracking and here is a better place to rant than in the house...

My stepdaughter (16 yr old) has been here three weeks and I feel like she makes my life hell. She is only polite to me if she wants to go shopping. She things she should be constantly taken shopping. Last night she stood in a rage in the front room refusing to speak to me as I didn't take her to the shop (bank holiday and 8pm and she was bloody rude too). She banged the window and glared. Very rude to her brother when he tried to calm her (shut up, are you deaf-I said piss off etc)

I only 2 weeks ago took her shopping and bought her boots, a coat, a dress, a skirt and a top. She's had money for bits and bobs. She refusing to go to the shop alone and shouts she has no money (but when cleaning her room, which HAD to be done, I saw £95 in her underwear drawer). We're not rich at all here. I've also given her lovely clothes that I barely wore that are now too small for me (3 tops, a dress, jeans, jumper). She screamed to be taken shopping but has left the house without half this stuff, I've found it discarded in her room after she left.

I walked in the other day in the middle of the day (sick at work) to find her trying on my make-up, jewelry etc. and generally going down my stuff.

She does nothing round the house and is pretty unclean. Cleaning her room I chucked a bin bags worth of rubbish. She doesn't wash enough and if she doesn't use her special shampoo she gets dandruff so there are skin flakes everywhere. She sits on the sofa picking her skin and chucking it on the floor.

She used one of my notebooks as a diary and then left it on my desk. I opened it presuming it was mine and saw pages of bile about how I'm an idiot who gives her no money. Seems to have been left there to find really.

She picks on her (full) brother who is 13 and he's requested to move in with us permanently (said yes) and she's negligent if left in the care of her baby (half) brother.

She attempts to control the house, demands things to be done for her and is generally rude. I've started to say 'no' more this visit, especially concerning leaving the house without having to take her. Right down to actually poking me in the ribs and invading my personal space if displeased (I just remove her/ walk away. I've been out LOADS recently. I feel uncomfortable in my house)

She rings her mum if there's anything she dislikes and then mum shouts and swears on the phone and dh and I. She only phones when at home to demand money or moan about money. Woudln't even ring her dad on his birthday.

I'm starting to feel that at 16 (17 next month) she's a young woman and should know better than to behave like this. I feel like saying she's not welcome in my house anymore to stay (visits are long as she lives abroad). Her Dad has had enough too. Obviously should her attitude change I'd try again but I feel she's out to hurt and tear her us apart if she can. She doesn't like us, she makes that very clear and clear that she comes for expected material gain.

It's gone on for years, I've tried being nice, doing what she wants and I've in the past given her a lot of slack as she was only a child.

For the record I played no part in her parents break-up, I met her Dad when she was 10. Her parents never lived together, on-off teenage relationship. Her Dad has cared for her a lot as a child but as a teenager it's been mainly her mum (mainly for education and financial reasons, before I met her Dad she'd returned abroad). I presume I'm not a total cow as I've developed a very good relationship with her brother, who's asked to move in with us.

I was automatically prepared to tell you to go over to steps as you were headed for a flaming here however I dont think reading through your post that you are - what a little madam.

I have literally no experience of teens but this girl sounds like she is really pushing it and the genetic bond that gets us through the hell of those years isnt there to make it easier for you- meaning how you feel is totally understandable. What does stand out for me is that there is no mention of what your dp is doing in this. Is he supportive? He needs to be putting his foot down right now as her behaviour is totally unnacceptable and it just isnt your job to do it.

I'd tell your dh she's no longer welcome in your house until she canbehave and he can see her when he takes her out
no idea why all the onus is on you

Compo- I'm the voice of reason. He's so angry he feels liek outright disowning her. I'm trying to see through my stress to do what's 'right'.

prettyfly- I know it's a possible flaming, and I've never normally be like this. I love kids and I'm so open to a blended family, I want my son to have a greta realtionship with his siblings. But she's sending me to the edge

there's no taking her out as she lives abroad. It's long visits or nothing.

What happens when DH sits her down and says this behaviour ( the demanding, screaming, going through your stuff without permission etc) is not acceptable from anyone in the household?

You've not really mentioned your DH here - I think he needs to step up cos you seem to be having to deal with it all. You need a united front with defined 'punishments' to those who don't play by the house rules.

If she has issues and is in school she can get therapy to help her.

Pancake- she's very arrogant, refuses to see fault in her behaviour. She either shouts back or walks off in a temper. Or patronisingly says 'sorry' with a smirk.

DH is almost too angry to deal with her and is at the point of just ignoring her. We are also not british and she do tend to follow the pattern of the woman is in charge of the house/ kids, and the kids expect it that way. I don't feel unsupported, he backs me 100% but he's not pro-active generally.

She has no 'issues' as such. Has friends, a boyfriend, is academic back home etc. Just treats all of DH's family like shit (learnt from her mum).

what a brat am fuming on your behalf.

it sounds as if she has learnt to manipulate her parents by her bratish behaviour. you are all being played like a harp by this child, obviously the stamping of feet is learned behaviour, which can be corrected. but gosh its going to be hard.

the mother is doing you no favours at all, she is turning you into the enemy and her daughter into a pawn in a very dangerous game.

however she is still a child, there has to be some underlying cause.

Am suspecting she may be a little jealous of your dc, her half sibbling, and of her brother too, they have you all the time, feels a bit like an outsider.

you need to set down firm ground rules with your whole family,including your step daughter, explain to her how you are feeling and point out that while you love her you do not like her behaviour, there also need to be concequences for bad behaviour.

you need also to set out an allowence for her during in her stay tell her what it is , and stick to it, once its gone its gone, (and can be reduced dramaticaly as a result of bad behaviour) and set aside a time when she can shop, and still fit in with the family.

TBH i wouldn't have her care for the younger ones, she doesn't sound mature enough.

most of all you need to be on the same team as your dh, no good cop bad cop.

Its going to be tough but this will work if you stick to it, alternatively lock her in the basement

Yanbu

no advice as I could not tolerate this.

She sounds awful.

I'm dubious about the jealousy theory. Her half brother is a baby and her full brother only moved in this month yet she's always acted like this. Way before I had my own child or there was a hint of her brother moving in.

Is nearly 17 a child? MY friends had kids by then (in fact HER parents had her at 17).

Her mother is obviously a problem, she's always done the swearing and screaming down the phone and is no role model. Yet the daughter seems to approve of this and have the same character. THe boy is stuck in the middle when this happens, I feel for him yet she even provokes and encourages her mum.

She's ignored my rules over and over. She's going back home as I've had enough, but it's letting her return which is the question.

She sounds vile and I wouldn't want her in my house either - especially if she was going through my things. Can you and your partner refuse to have her to stay in future? If you do this does your DP accept that it may be the end of his relationship with her? Does he really want this? Because of her living abroad it sounds like it's all or nothing (i.e. either these horrible long visits or no visits at all), so ending the visits is pretty final.

I dont really understand why it's you doing everything. I wouldnt do those things you do. Surely all that stuff is down to your dh.

any chance you can see her abroad?

She sounds like a teenager. Some of them go through a horrible phase. My sister did and I've known plenty of others who do. Your baby is lovely now but will eventually turn into a teenager and possibly go through a horrible phase himself (although I'll keep my fingers crossed for you he doesn't - I am told boys can be easier as teens).

The good news is she came out of it, eventually, and turned into a fantastic adult who is extremely caring. (Bad news is it lasted for a while...)

In a way it's a compliment that she feels confident enough in her place in the family to behave like a dreadful brat. Not much comfort, I know, but you have clearly been doing A Good Job.

None of this means you have to put up with terrible, selfish, appalling behaviour, of course. You are entitled to have house rules and apply sanctions if they are broken (but don't forget positive stuff when they are kept). Just don't write her off or push it so hard the relationship breaks down entirely.

Her father pretty much ignores her, is not pro-active in his parenting and you all wonder why she is engaging in attention-seeking behaviour?

He really needs to start being a Dad and stop leaving the parenting of his child(ren) to you.

rainbow, I've been more than happy to treat them as my kids/ family and do anything for them. I haven't treated them differently to my own.

DP has been sick of her for years, I think he's not caring if it's 'over'. I've been trying to build bridges.

your right not a child, but not an adult either. re the provocation of her mum, shes saying what she thinks her mum wants to hear, is there a chance you could chat with the mum? (that may be a really daft suggestion)

send her home, but make sure you let her know that you love her and that she can come back, but that shes needs to think about her behaviour?

am i being too nice here?

btw, her brother may well be much nicer, but her behaviour is still within the range of 'normal-ish if unacceptable' for teenagers, I'm afraid.

Easy for me to say as I don't have a teenager atm but I do have experience of them, honest! (And I bet I'll be posting here moaning about ds when he is one, am not pretending I have all the answers at all.)

AyeRobot, there are cultural differences I think with our parenting styles. He also works long hours while I'm at home (I work 2 days a week). He's a good dad/ husband. I've talked about me a lot but he does get involved. While he works it's just us though

Before she goes, sit her down and lay out ground rules for a 'possible' return.
Tell her she is more than welcome as long as she accepts them.
Any transgressions and she will be a) grounded and b) returned home.

She must: speak to everyone with respect and not swear
Follow house rules
Keep her room clean and tidy and not treat the rest of the house as a pit
Daily bath/shower and weekly change of bedding
Help with clearing up after meals etc

Agree to a small allowance that she can spend as she likes, but when that's gone that's it.
Maybe earn some more by doing extra jobs to help you

And if she doesn't agree, she doesn't come.
Point out that as she is behaving like a spoilt child rather than an adult, that's how she has to be treated until she grows out of the behaviour.

hmmmm....I was awful at 16, and this kid has a lot to deal with. Have you tried talking to her mum ? is that possible? she sounds screwed up - and if her dad is angry, then she is not getting any love in your home at all is she? Im not saying your to blame here at all - it sounds hideous. But I feel very sorry for young people in step situations - its not her home, she feels awkward, she might be having a really bad time at school. She may feel her dad doesnt want her there....its a horrible age to be to be honest, so perhaps she needs a calm kind chat - I would definitely stop spending money on her though. But she probably needs love as well.

also - 'he's not pro-active' - thats not good enough - he is her dad, he should be concerned at her behaviour. IF its bad it could indicate bullying/ getting into trouble/ using drugs (I say this because that was all common in my teenage years, including with me) - so it's really wrong that he is not engaging here.

Oh and until she respects privacy, lock your bedroom door when you're out.

Where is your dh when she is screaming to be taken shopping?

What 1:1 time does your dh have with her when she visits?

Why do you allow her mum to scream abuse at you down the phone, simply hang up.

What plans do you make when they visit? Does your dh take time off work, do you plan day trips out, cant you drop her off at the shopping mall and pick her up later?

You seem to be an emotional punchbag but it seems you allow her to treat you like this.

Maybe next time you need more planning, organising, telling her what is happening and that bad behavious will not be tolerated, make sure her dad spends quality time with her etc

Her mum has NEVER spoken to me. The nearest she does is swear at me after asking the daughter to put her on speakerphone. Same with DH. IF we ring and she picks up she passes the phone without a word. If they're not in she hangs up.

btw, it may help you to understand if you read up on brain development and teenagers. I forget the details but it's now thought they generally don't develop much in the way of empathy or impulse control until they are a little older than your step-dd. No excuse, exactly, but might help to give you some perspective (although you are still fully entitled to be furious).

How on earth is ignoring his 16 year old daughter being a good dad?

Her behaviour sounds horrendous and I'm not for a second excusing that. I just think that the solution starts with her dad stepping up to the plate and not leaving it for you to deal with the behaviour and trying to find an answer.